Goodbye, doubt. Hope wins.

I have had a ghost in my classroom.

It has been hanging around in my red notebook, in which I often write down my students' scores.  I take the red notebook to team meeting on Tuesdays.  I take it to professional development and sign my name into it 100 times and draw daisies (I swear that I have undiagnosed ADD).  My red notebook goes everywhere with me.

On the first page of the notebook is a running score of a game of rummy between my husband and I.  I won't tell you who won this rummy game, but I'll give you a hint - their name rhymes with Bendra.  But the second page of the notebook brings me much fewer smiles than my rummy victory page.

You remember how I mentioned that the red notebook goes everywhere with me?  Yeah, it went to Minnesota with me this past year, too.  If you remember back to April, we didn't exactly take a vacation.  We went to the Mayo Clinic.

The second page of the notebook has my notes from the only meeting that we had with a real doctor during our three days at Mayo.  It is virtually the only memory that I have of that place, besides meeting two awesome people (the Halvorsens), running outside in 30 degree weather with short sleeves on and catching a cold, drinking Caribou Coffee, and buying a lot of hand soap at Trader Joe's.  I also remember waiting a lot to get into this highly-anticipated meeting with our first oncologist.  As you can see from the page, the meeting did not go well.

As I was writing these notes, my stomach had the weirdest feeling, like it was going to leap out through my throat while simultaneously dropping out my bottom.  I blinked back tears and yet I felt like I was too stunned to cry.  I remember staring at my husband, half-expecting him to act sick.  But he didn't, which only added to the surreal feelings that I felt.

When I open up my red notebook, I see this page too often.  The same pangs of fear, uncertainty, and doubt creep into my head.  Hey Kendra.  The doctor may have been a little off on his timeline, but no doubt he'll be right!  Cancer is coming to GET you!

Of course, I can remind myself of the blessings that God has poured out, how He is a God of miracles, and how Ryan's response to treatment has been overwhelmingly positive lately. I can tattoo Psalm 91 on my arm or something. But that stupid paper drops in from time to time, taunting me with its memories and its nay-saying. To say the least, this page has derailed my attitude on more than one occasion.

I remember hearing a sermon once when I was a baby Christian.  It was all about removing "stakes" in our lives that keep us from reaching our fullest potential in Christ.  At the time, I realized that I needed to distance myself from certain friends that weren't healthy for me.  At this point in my life, I am realizing that I am only able to have faith in my God's healing ability until I allow the medical profession to have more power over Ryan's cancer than He does.  This is precisely why the paper can't win anymore.

It has outstayed its welcome.  I think it's time for some closure.

Goodbye, doubt.  Hope wins.

What do you have in your life that strikes doubt in your heart or keeps you from being able to fully trust in God?  Maybe burning isn't the answer, but I think that there needs to be a cleansing of that thing from your life in some way, shape, or form.

Man, I feel better already.

Update 4/13/11

Hi guys, Ryan wrote this last night and I’m sending it out this morning.  I’m adding a mother’s postscript to it too: would you please pray for our son Colton?  He is having a very hard time adjusting to being in new places, seeing new faces, a different bed, a different routine…he had a rough day on Tuesday.  Please pray for him to quickly adjust and that we as parents can still meet his needs that don’t get pushed aside just because we are at Mayo Clinic. Also, his first birthday is on Thursday the 14th, so please pray that we as a family will be able to celebrate him fully.



(Written Tuesday night)

I am sitting in the house of a new set of friends that I’ve never met before. A generous couple from Rochester has opened their house to us to stay in indefinitely. What a blessing to be in the company of wonderful Christian people who are so gracious. This has been such a burden lifted off of us.  We aren’t sure how long we’ll be here at Mayo, but it looks like this could be a permanent place through at least next week.

We left Chicago this morning at 6:00 a.m., stopped at University of Chicago Hospital to get my medical records, and proceeded to Mayo Clinic (we arrived around 1:30 CST). I got blood work done today, and a CT scan is scheduled for first thing Wednesday morning.  After that we will begin the process of being “checkers”, which basically means people that show up with out an appointment who have to wait to see a doctor. We will meet first with an oncologist and go from there.

We have had some specific prayer requests of late. 1. That the appointments would be expedited, 2. that we would have peace and grace for what is in store for us, 3. and that the cancer is operable and there would be treatment options. This last request is of utmost importance – please, please pray for this one.

Answered prayers: the appointments have been moved up; we have had Grace and peace today. We are waiting to learn my medical status, but we praise God for answering prayer in a huge way. The school situation for Kendra (e.g. getting time off) seems to have worked itself out in an amazing way. Again she is so humbled by the people and district she works with. That was another answered prayer.

We are anxious for what the future holds but we are so excited about who God is transforming us into. I’m learning so much about who God is and how He operates. He is so good, and I’m at peace because “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28.

Please pray that the CT scan would come back quickly tomorrow, that we could get into see a doctor quickly after that. Please pray that we would meet a doctor who is compassionate, progressive, aggressive, and optimistic. Please pray that my condition is operable and treatable. Please pray that we would have opportunities to share our faith and hope with those around us. Pray that we would have the grace and peace for whatever the future holds.

Again we can hardly count all the answered prayer requests that God is blessing us with. We have prayed for things for years and years that are now coming into reality in days. Every day is more challenging and more rewarding. To God be the glory.

Update 4/14/11

Dearest Friends, Family, and Prayer Partners,

This is being written on the road home from Mayo. We were able to get in to see an oncologist this afternoon – first the appointment was moved up to 3:30, and then to 1:30. We were told that if we were nearby to come NOW, so we did. When we met with the oncologist, he did a physical exam and asked us some general health history questions. Afterwards, he sat down and showed us the results of the CT scan. He did not have good news for us.

The cancer has spread locally outside of Ryan’s liver, making treatment options very limited.  Removing the tumors is not an option, a transplant is not an option, and at this point, this doctor feels that chemotherapy is a treatment, but not a cure.  He staged this cancer as Stage 4 advanced cholangiocarcinoma.  We are STILL waiting to see what Mayo’s interpretation of the biopsy results is, as the cancer cells are not entirely consistent with cholangiocarcinoma.

We have already scheduled an appointment on April 21st at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America.  We don’t expect to get a different diagnosis, but we know that their approach will be more holistic, which we are open to.  Chemotherapy will still likely be the regimen of choice along with other things.

Our hearts are breaking right now as it feels like doors continually get slammed in our faces. But we do cling to the fact that our God is a God of miracles, and we will continue to place our faith and trust in the same God that we did two weeks ago before this happened.  He loves us endlessly, and his plans are mysterious but we know that he works all things out for the good of those who love him.

Please continue to pray for grace and peace, for miracles, and for our family.  Our parents and brothers are taking this hard, and undoubtedly this will come as a blow to many people that care about us.  We want to encourage you to not lose hope, to not be bitter, and above all – please continue to lift us up before the Lord.

-Kendra

Update 4/11/11

Today has been an indescribable day. We had a up and down weekend but are so grateful for friends that have been surrounding us with support. I had made calls on Friday afternoon to a couple hospitals to begin lining up treatment. Everything was coming back 1-3 weeks to set up an appointment. We were not okay with that time frame. So I began calling and calling and calling all the doctors all morning and afternoon. Long story short we are on our way to Mayo Clinic as I type. This is an overwhelming answer to prayer. The told us if we showed up we can get in within 48 hours. Please pray that we would get into see the doctor as soon as possible. Pray that we would see the correct doctors and that treatment would begin and be lined up quickly.

We have had arrangements made for us for tonight, as well as for the first couple nights in Minnesota. This has been so gracious and overwhelming…a huge answer to prayer.

There are a few complications with Kendra and her work. The district has been tremendously trying to support us and encourage us and has done a wonderful job of doing so. Please pray that Kendra would have options and arrangements made so that she could take the time off that is needed. We have felt so blessed by her coworkers and supervisors and they couldn’t be more helpful and gracious.

Please continue to lift our families in your prayers. It is tough for all involved. Pray for grace and peace through out this. We continue to be overwhelmed by God’s glory. We are seeing it more clearly than ever and the world we live in is just starting to come into color. It’s incredible.

Finally please continue to pray that the cancer is treatable. It is extremely important that it is operable. We pray for a healing whether medically or miraculously. We know God is sovereign and we are leaning on his promises every hour. I feel as though God has prepared me for this my entire life. I’m so excited about the person he is transforming me into, the person he is transforming my wife into, and the couple that Kendra and I are becoming.

We can see God’s hand at work all over the place. It’s an unbelievable story and we have a front row seat.

Update 4/1/11

Dear Friends and Family,

It is with an uncertain and heavy heart that I write you today. Many people know that I have been diagnosed with a very rare liver disease, Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis. I have been managing the disease and the symptoms have been almost non-existent. I see a specialist in Chicago twice a year. I did so on Tuesday of this last week. Everything was routine until they called me with the results of my MRI of my liver. There is a large spot on the bile duct, and a couple small spots on the outside of one of the liver lobes. This spotting is consistent with cholangiocarcinoma. This is a very rare and serious form of cancer that is linked to my condition. The potential of cancer complicates matters. My doctors and most others will not do a transplant once cancer presents. There is a possibility that Mayo Clinic would treat the cancer and then do a transplant. All of the treatment options ahead of us carry substantial risks and there are so many unknowns.

I will have more tests on Monday. If or when cancer is confirmed, then we will try to get into Mayo as quickly as possible.

Here is the good news. This is almost never caught until the very late stages. We're hopeful that it is in the very early stages, if it is determined to be cancer (it wasn't in the last MRI six months ago). My blood work last week was all very healthy and stable. Because of this the doctor was very surprised from the MRI. I feel very healthy and don't have any symptoms. There are some treatment options: Radiation, Chemo, Surgery, Transplant. Kendra and I are choosing to focus on these things and thank God that he has protected us in these ways.
Please pray for me and my family. This is a scary time and yet my God is just as faithful now as he was this morning before I knew anything different. I am confident that He is in control, and I am only to concern myself with honoring Him. Pray that God's will would be done and we would be satisfied with His will. Please pray that this is a false alarm and the tests would come back negative. Pray for peace and grace for Kendra, myself, and my family. Feel free to contact us if you have further questions. I will update you as long as there is something to update.

Philippians 1:6
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.