Tick Tock when will the clock run out?

Tomorrow is a big day for me again. I promise I won't get all sentimental every time an "anniversary" rolls around. However tomorrow will be exactly one year since I was told I wouldn't live "another year"! It's also Colton's birthday, but I don't want to talk about cancer at all tomorrow. So we're going to celebrate one year today, and two years (with Colton) tomorrow.

Being told you have one year to live changes your life. You'll never go back to the old way. Every day over the last year I've had it run through my mind, "how much time do I have?" It is inescapable that I have a ticking time clock running over my head.

When I try to plan, I think about how much time I have.

When I enjoy a special moment or holiday, I wonder if I'll get to do it again?

When I hear people talk about the future, I wonder if I'll be around?

When I think about my family, I wonder if I'll get to raise them?

Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick.

The clock never stops ticking in my mind.

This can do two things to you. It can cripple you, depress you, and paralyze you. It can also motivate, reorient, and focus you. It has done the second for me (most of the time).

This year has been a year of enjoying moments, holidays, experiences, and life more than ever before. I'm not perfect but I've gotten a lot better and not wasting time and see what time I have left as an investment.

I think there are a couple reasons why I'm still around.

1. God's Grace
2. Prayer of the saints
3. Modern medicine combined with age old practices
4. A dogged determination to stay positive

Most of this journey has been out of my control. However the difference between being paralyzed and prioritized is simple.

I choose!

I choose to live life to the fullest.

I'm one year closer to death than a year ago. So are you! Don't wait until some stranger with a title behind his name tells you to wake up and take life seriously. I have a terminal diagnosis, and so do you.

This last year has been the most difficult year of my life. It's also been the best. Living daily more dependent upon God than ever has radically redefined who I am.

Romans 14:8
If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

Thank you for the meals, the prayers, the gifts, the love, the hugs, the help, the cards, the comments, the laundry, the house cleaning, the support of my family, child care, vehicle repairs, support at work, at church, help mowing the lawn, taking care of horses, house work, yard work, the rodeo, and so so much more. Thank you to my family, my friends, and my new friends (who I have never met) on this blog. Thank you for reading and encouraging us. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for an amazing year! You are all so important to us and we'll never be able to tell you how much you've meant to us.

I'm so grateful for this past year, and I can't wait to see what God is going to do in the coming year. What would it look like if we all surrendered our lives to Christ and lived life to the fullest in High Definition?

April Fool's Day, what a blessing!

One year ago today my life changed dramatically. I received the phone call that would set a sequence of events into motion that would lead to me being told I had less than a year to live. So today is my anniversary of sorts. A bittersweet anniversary. I'm reminded of the reality of my situation and how my life will never be the same. However I'm not supposed to be celebrating this day either. There in lies a dynamic that I'm growing to live with. Thankful and apprehensive.

Things will never go back to the way they were. Which means things have changed dramatically. I'm fatter, weaker, maybe wiser, but certainly closer to God, my wife, and my son. Kendra's and my priorities have changed quite drastically. We're passionate for the poor, lost, and hurting. The more God elevates us, the more we want to elevate Him. We've learned about peace, grace, and hope through this process. When I think about whether I'd want to go back I usually don't hesitate to say no. 

It's a weird dichotomy though. One foot in two worlds. The here and now, which we're so thankful for and at peace about, and the future which holds so much uncertainty. As I celebrate today it could be easy to be upset about all we've been through. I could easily resent God for all the things that I may lose out on because of this.

Take Colton for example. There's a strong chance I'm not going to be able to do the things with him I've always dreamed of. One dream was that when he got a few years older, we'd both go to the horse auction in the spring. I'd look at all the horses with him. We'd evaluate them, what we like and dislike. Then each of us would buy a young horse. That summer I would teach him how to break a horse as we both started them together. He'd learn about hard work, horsemanship and business as we turned around and took them back to auction in the fall to see if we could make a profit. All along I'd be teaching him what it means to be a Godly young man.

That may never happen. 

Am I sad? Yes. However God is really teaching me something about Colton right now. He's not my own. He has a father, a heavenly father. He is responsible for growing, protecting, leading, and guiding Colton. I'm merely a caretaker that has the privilege of loving him while I do. When I change my perspective, now whatever time I have with Colton becomes a blessing. If I look at it as a right, then when I lose it I'm resentful. However if it's a privilege and a blessing I'm thankful for what I receive. 

So as I approach a new year, yes there is much I will be challenged with, struggle through, and probably have to accept that I can't do certain things. However there's so much to be thankful for. I have been given so many blessings it's hard to adaqueatly say thank you to God for all He's provided. 

I'm thankful to God for;

A growing vibrant relationship with Him

My wonderful wife and the sacrificing servant that she has been

My beautiful son and the joy that he brings

An incredible family both blood and in spirit that have blessed us, encouraged us, humbled us, and loved us through all of this

A growing ministry that allows Kendra and I to encourage others through our journey

An amazing church that has time and time again provided for us in so many ways

The physical health that He has blessed me with through this last year

Simple pleasures like a Tigers game, or a horse ride, or a good book

A purpose that drives me 

An employer that supports me

Hope

Grace

I'm thankful for this past year and all that it has entailed. Praise the Lord!!!

2 Cor 1:3-7
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

Eight Month Anniversary

Eight months have passed since the day that we got a phone call that my husband had spots on his liver that showed up on a CT scan.

Seven and a half months have passed since we got word that he would surely die from cancer very quickly.

And yet here we are, still in the same holding pattern that we have been in forever (or so it seems).  Physically, he's not any different than he was eight months and 1 day ago.  He is perfectly normal, he's never felt a single symptom from this supposedly deadly cancer, and I still feel like I'm living in a twilight zone.

I know that I kind of railed against complaining in the last post, but I just have to get something off my chest.  I'm DONE.  I'm DONE with the cancer life. I just want normalcy.  I just want to move on.  I'm tired of things being weird, unresolved, complicated, sad, uncertain, and heavy.  Stop the ride, I want to get off, please.

And yet at the same time, what if this had never happened?  What kind of apathetic, lazy, meaningless life would I be living?  If things continued the same way that they were, I'd be the epitome of a spiritual slob.  Yeah, I knew that I had to clean up my life, but things were comfortable...what was the point?  I don't want to go back to being that person.

I wouldn't trade the man that my husband has become throughout this process for ANY healthy, long-living man in the world.  His heart for the Lord and His people is astounding.  He has always been incredible; that's why I married him (aren't you jealous of me!).  But the person that I knew prior to April 1st was half the man that I know now.  He's more tender, more compassionate, more filled with faith, more forgiving, stronger, more honorable, more admirable, and a better father and husband than I could have ever imagined him being.

So eight months later, yes, I'm ready to be done and go back to a normal life.  I pray continuously that this ends well and my husband defies nearly insurmountable odds.  But would I trade this experience and what it has done for us?

Nope.  As painful and as gut-wrenching as this has been, I never want to go back to who we were on April 1st.