There's only so much Ryan to go around...

Sales proposals to write,
Lawn to mow,
Arena to work up,
Horses to ride,
Writing projects to work on,
Blog posts to write,
Presentations to create,
Chores to do,
Trips to plan,
Speaking engagements to prepare for,

This is hardly the end of my to-do list.

During just about every cycle I start to feel very overwhelmed with my perceived task demand. I look around and it feels like the amount to do grows daily while I become more and more unproductive. Mentally and physicially it is intimidating. I struggle to focus on tasks and projects and I certainly don't have the physical ability to complete many of the projects and chores.

So what did I do today?

I came home from work early and napped, then I laid on the couch watching irrelevant TV shows feeling sorry for myself because I had so much I wanted to do but can't.

What did I do tonight?

I sat on the porch and watched my son and my wife and my dog play with a tennis ball. For a moment I couldn't see the unmowed grass, or the weeds in the arena. I forgot about the proposals, and websites to build, and phone calls to make. I stopped worrying about not having blogged in a while and feeling guilty.

I just sat and smiled.

Time feels so constrictive at times. I have so many things to do and it is easy to look at time as the limiting factor in my ability to accomplish things. Honestly, I'm the limiting factor. There's only so much of me to go around. Time is constant.

I can't get it all done. I have to choose. Tonight I chose to be still and thank God for a simple moment watching my family.

The best part of my day today was my son running into a meeting I was in at work to give me a huge hug! That is living in High Definition.


CHEMO UPDATE:

It's been three days since I started the new chemo regimen. I was able to go to work Tuesday and Wednesday but started feeling weak last night. I went in today but had to have Kendra come get me to bring me home. I'm struggling with fatigue and a foggy head. I get headaches and have a difficulty focusing.

It's also been three days since I became a "vegan". I'm fully committed to it, but this is a pretty radical lifestyle change for me. There are some ups and downs in trying to figure out what my new menu includes and how to manage it all. Please pray for Kendra and I as we keep learning more.

Would you die to do what you're doing?

It's been a little over 8 months since I was diagnosed. I've had highs and lows since then. My routine has been disrupted and messed up, but I have a new routine.

I start treatment on day 1 on a Wednesday. I lay around on Thursday. Some times I go into work even that first Friday. That first weekend is usually tougher. Then I almost always make it to work on Monday. I work till Wednesday afternoon on day 8. I make it to my 8:30 meeting on Thursday and I usually don't miss another day of work for the next two and a half weeks, until I start all over again.

Over the course of a four week cycle, I may only miss 1-3 days of work. It's incredible and I praise God that I'm able to be that active. It's is also because of the prayer support from many of you.

However I often get asked why I continue to work so much knowing I may not have much time left. Why do I press so hard to get back just a day or two after chemotherapy?
The answer is I believe I'm a part of something bigger than myself. I work for an organization, Grace Adventures, which exists to provide experiences that live on to those they serve. Grace has a God-sized vision for the next ten years. I get to be a part of it. It's exciting, thrilling, scary, and intimidating. However I KNOW it's God-led.

People's lives are changed through the work done at Grace Adventures. I get to be a part of that. Every moment I spend at Grace Adventures is a moment invested into the Kingdom of God.

If you were told you have a year left to live, how would you live it? Would you go on vacations, buy toys, and check off your bucket list?

I'm choosing to invest my time in ways that have the biggest return on impact. I hope part of the legacy I leave for Colton is to find find something in his life that he would die to do.