I was destined to be "great".

I always knew I was going to do big things with my life. I didn't know how, or when, but I knew.

That's what my Grandpa did, that's what my parents do, so that's what I would do.  Naturally.

So I began planning and preparing. I tracked out my goals, my career path, and my mentors. I was always "preparing" for when something would break through and things would finally take off. I founded a ministry when I was 20 using horses to teach spiritual and relational principles. The plan was to advance in my horsemanship, speaking, and presentational skills so that I could travel around the country teaching and sharing with horses.  I wanted to be big.

Fast forward to cancer.

I've been given a terminal cancer diagnosis. I've lost a lot of my physical aptitude. I had to sell my best horse because I didn't have the physical or mental ability to train him any more. I put my plans for a Master's degree on the shelf.  I struggle to think and even communicate my thoughts some days. I'm so tired and
drained emotionally, spiritually, and physically. 

I just saw my friend who was diagnosed a few weeks before me, die this week from his own fight with cancer. 

I'm weak, so weak. 

But, can I boast a little bit?

1. This blog just hit 100,000 pageviews!
2. It has been visited by people in over 80 countries like Qatar, Slovakia, Macau, South Korea, and Vietnam.
3. I've had the chance to speak all over the state to all kinds of events and to thousands of people in the last couple months.
4. I am currently working with an agent to help get two books published.

Praise be to God, He is using me more than He ever has.

But, I'm weaker now than I've ever been before.

The two things go together.

As Paul experienced with his thorn in the side, we are at our most useful when we are most broken. 

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

7 ... Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

It's easy to say, "God is stronger when I am weaker". Being weak is never "fun". Paul calls his struggle, "a messenger of Satan". That's not a comfortable or easy state to live in. However Paul has seen the other side. He knows what the joy and the peace of living a life in weakness brings. He also now realizes how pathetic he is on his own. Without God, and his sufficient grace, Paul couldn't do anything. 

I'm fulfilling those dreams to have an impact that God gave me years and years ago, but I never imagined it would be like this. I feel like God is doing all of this in spite of me, not because of me. When I think about my ability to achieve these things in the last year it seems impossible to me. 

It doesn't make any sense for a person who has limited time left, to spend time trying to build a ministry that largely focuses around their story. What good does popularity, or acclaim, or attention do you once you're gone? 

God has eliminated the option for arrogance and conceit. Should I think I can do this on my own, he knocks me down physically or mentally. Should I think this is all about me, it could be over right now. 

Therefore all that I do is solely to point people to Christ for HIS praise. The best way I can do that is to show how awesome my God is that he can use a broken down, mentally challenged, terminal cancer patient and prop him up to a place where anybody wants to listen to him!

The weaker I become the more glory God receives, then I become strong!

He is powerful in our weakness.

In case you are fairly new to our journey, let me again recount something that happened last winter around this very same time of year (February or March).

I was in a women's Bible study at our church.  It was a fabulous Bible study, full of truth and challenges.  But I was apathetic.  I really did not get into the study as much as I had expected to.  As I wondered why I was struggling to complete the fairly easy daily studies, I began to realize that my life was very, very comfortable and I was suffering from apathetic-lazy-itis.  I had a fantastic, decent-paying job at a district I had always wanted to work for, I was already done with my master's degree at the age of 26, I had a healthy, perfect son, my husband loved me intensely, his job was going well, and we were deep in the middle of plans to expand our small house into our dream house to make room for lots more future children.  At this point in my life, I was on autopilot.  I had things under control, and there was little need for God to intervene in my affairs.  This was leading to a feeling of apathy and complacency that had my spiritual life in a stranglehold.

One night as our study was wrapping up, a friend asked for prayer requests.  I didn't have any big supplications that evening (since my life was nearly perfect), and I believe that I was the last person to talk.  "I just need some humility.  I'm realizing that I feel like I don't need God and that's not how I want to live my life."  My friend, the Bible study leader, eyed me and told me that she was hesitant to pray for that, but that she would if it's what I needed.

Within two months of that prayer, my perfect life felt like it had been shattered into a million pieces.  A doctor told my husband that he had about a year to live.  My son was diagnosed with food allergies.  My husband started a heavy chemotherapy regimen that virtually erased the chances of us having any more children, even if he were to live through his deadly cancer.  I was laid off from my dream job because of the volatile financial situation in Michigan.  Because of the uncertainty of our future, our house plans were placed on top of the refrigerator and shoved to the back, not to see the light of day for a long, long time.  I felt (and still sometimes feel, to be honest) like my entire future had been ripped away from me.  I used to read a lot about the Salem Witch Trials and how some people were crushed to death as punishment for their "witchcraft" by having a large stone placed upon their chest.  My husband's cancer diagnosis and the loss of my job felt like a gigantic boulder had been pressed down upon me.  I had no way of getting that stone removed.  I had nowhere to run.  I couldn't move the stone from my chest on my own.

2 Corinthians 12: 7b-10 (The Message)

...so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

   My grace is enough; it's all you need.

   My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

Ryan and I were flying to Minnesota last December.  Something really, really bitter had just happened to me that evening that had highlighted the fact that my life was in stagnation while others' lives were moving forward.  I was especially peeved with God that evening and He and I had exchanged words, if you know what I mean.  "God, WHY have you not removed this situation yet?  Why is my husband not cured?  Why does he even have cancer in the first place?  Why can't I have more children RIGHT NOW?  Why did you pick us to go through this?  God, please heal my husband!  I am so angry that you have not fixed this yet!"  As the tiny, blinking lights of Wisconsin passed below me, tears streamed down my face, and flight attendants ensured that they only talked to Ryan, NOT to me.  "Leave that crazy girl in row 4 alone.  I think she's have a nervous breakdown."

Luckily, I have gotten far enough in this journey that I am starting to realize that when things feel like they're imploding around me, I should run to God and not from God.  On the airplane, I grudgingly opened the Bible app on my phone and began reading 2 Corinthians12 and about the thorn in Paul's flesh.

The thorn had been delivered by Satan, but allowed by God.  Why?

The reason in Paul's life: so that he wouldn't become boastful about the visions he was seeing.

The reason in my life: so that I would learn what it meant to live through Christ's strength instead of my arrogant self.

How awesome do you think you are?  Do you have your whole life under control, like I did?  Well, the truth is that you don't.  At some point in our lives, we are going to go through trials.  Maybe you're reading this, and Ryan's cancer is one of the biggest tests of your faith that God has put you through.  Perhaps God is not allowing you or your partner to get pregnant, or you have experienced the heartache of miscarriage.  Maybe you're sick.  Maybe you or a family member has unexpectedly lost their job or you've had to uproot your entire life and move somewhere else.  Perhaps someone that you love very much has died, and you are grieving deeply.

We are all weak, and especially weak and vulnerable when tragedy, sickness, or loss happens to us.

But the weaknesses that we experience here on earth are an opportunity in our faith journey.  When we are traveling through the deserts of life, parched, tired, with the hot sun beating down on us, this is the prime moment to either seek out the shade and living water that has been provided for us through Christ, or we can try to cross that desert on our own strength, thereby withering away in our faith and ultimately rejecting the provision that we have through Him alone.

His power is made perfect in our weakness.  Celebrate weakness.  It happens.  Draw close to your Savior and you will experience peace and power like you've never seen in the lulling, apathetic times of comfort and prosperity in your life.

Disqualified for Ministry

Last Wednesday I had to go to my chemo appointment. Since Kendra is back at work, I've been having some "substitute" caretakers join me for my treatments. This week my grandfather came. A large part of my testimony of how I came to know God and why I'm able to respond to the cancer they way I am, is due to my heritage. My grandparents have been colossal examples of lives lived in high definition and service for their Lord. 

My grandfather has dedicated his entire adult life to service and ministry. He and my grandmother founded a ministry called Eagle Village that started as a boys home, and grew to become a nationally recognized treatment center for at risk, abused, and neglected boys and girls. Over the years foster care, adoption, family ministry, and a Christian camp were all born out of this. After thousands of changed lives, an honorary doctorate, distinguished recognitions from governors, judges, and the like, it is easy to see that God has blessed their efforts. 

However that's only half the story. My grandfather has little more than an elementary education. He was born to a coal mining family in PA as poor as you can be. He grew up in rough neighborhoods and lived a hard childhood. Tragedy and circumstances were stacked against him. He served in Korea and came home looking for a purpose. From worldly standards there wasn't a lot that would've qualified my grandfather to be a leader.

As we drove down we talked about different things but quickly the conversation turned to ministry and life. This was precious time that we both were obviously savoring. Grandpa candidly shared with me things he thought he did well at Eagle Village but also shared things he wished he'd done different. Despite all of his success Grandpa felt unqualified most of his ministry career. He felt not smart enough, not wise enough, not articulate enough, not political enough, whatever the reasons he often felt like God could do more with someone else. 

I can relate right now. I'm getting a little bit of attention from people because of my situation. However I feel very unworthy of the attention. I'm human just like everybody else. I'm making mistakes just like everybody else. However I can clearly see that God is using my story in a big way. It's one of the things that makes dealing with all of this worth it. I know God is at work. I just don't know why? There are so many other people he could be using that would do a better job.

That's how God works however. As 1 Corinthians 1:27 says, "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong."

You see only in our weakness can God be glorified most. Whether it is a stuttering Moses in the desert, an uneducated poor boy from Pennsylvania, or a cancer-stricken 25 year old, God can do more through us in our imperfections than through our strengths. 

I often tell folks I feel like God is working in spite of me not through me. Paul shared similar feelings about a physical ailment he had in 2 Corinthians 12. 

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I've thought long and hard about why God would choose to use my grandfather in such a powerful way. Honestly it was twofold. My Grandfather was obedient, despite his insecurities, failures, and doubts, he still obeyed when God called. The second reason is Grandpa was the man for the job. God doesn't look at us outwardly he looks at our hearts. 

What disqualifies us for success in the world may be exactly what qualifies us for success in God's eyes. I couldn't be prouder of my grandfather and his "disqualifications" because it just points to the greatness of our God all the more. I only hope and pray that I can do the same in my own weakness.