What a wonderful week it will be with NO treatment!
Please, please, please circle the date of Wednesday, June 8th and be in prayer on that day for good news from our oncologist at CTCA. Specifically, pray that Ryan's CT scans will show that the chemotherapy regimen is doing its job and enabling the tumors to shrink. Set a reminder in Google calendar, put a sticky note on your bathroom mirror, WHATEVER IT TAKES. Ryan will be getting scans in the morning at 8:00 a.m., and then we will be meeting with our doctor at 3:00 p.m. I covet prayer for myself too, as I continue to deal with anxiety.
June 8th.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Middle of the night wisdom? No, probably not.
I have got to admit, I am so thankful that I'm not one of the people whose heart God has pricked to pray in the middle of the night for my husband. When I go to sleep, I like to stay asleep. That's why it is awesome that God designed my son to sleep completely through the night with NO interruptions since he was three months old (I haven't seen him in the middle of the night since December - just had to brag on him, I'm done now!). Anyway, I am amazed at how many people have told us that they are waking up multiple times a night and being prompted to pray to God on our behalf. If you are one of those people, thank you for taking the graveyard shift for us. You are a special, special person!
But sometimes it is hard to fall asleep, like tonight (currently 2:59 a.m.). Those nights where the future looms so big and scary in front of me, and a litany of topics cross and zigzag and zoom and tumble through my brain. Cancer. Money. Death. Pain. Eternity. Bad news. Suffering. Helplessness. Widowhood. Single motherhood. Heaven. Surviving cancer. Infertility. All of these topics can enter my mind at any given time during the day, but as I'm going about my day they don't seem quite so daunting. When I'm in my bed, when the man that I love and has been perfectly designed is sleeping next to me, after I'm done praying, I'll start contemplating. And sometimes if I'm not careful, thoughts spin out of control.
It starts innocently enough, this crazy mental spin cycle. I'll think about Colton, what a blessing he is. Then I start mourning for the future children that I might not have, then I start thinking about all of the heavy burdens I might possibly have to carry at some point, and then things are rolling. I begin panicking, trying to figure out how to do it all on my own, and then I literally start begging God over and over again to take this cup from us, and tears are flowing. It's happened several times over the past two months.
So no, I don't ever wake up for a prayer shift in the night, but occasionally I do spend time freaking out before I go to bed.
And so is this okay, this wigging out? No, I really don't think it is. Human - yes, okay - no. It is at that very moment that my focus wanes from my Lord and squarely lands on myself. What am I going to do if I lose my husband? How am I going to raise my son? What if something happens to me too? What will I do if we beat this cancer and can't have more children? How can I handle seeing Ryan in pain? It's all very me-focused. Little time is spent figuring out how to glorify God, and self-preservation is paramount.
Matthew 14:30
But sometimes it is hard to fall asleep, like tonight (currently 2:59 a.m.). Those nights where the future looms so big and scary in front of me, and a litany of topics cross and zigzag and zoom and tumble through my brain. Cancer. Money. Death. Pain. Eternity. Bad news. Suffering. Helplessness. Widowhood. Single motherhood. Heaven. Surviving cancer. Infertility. All of these topics can enter my mind at any given time during the day, but as I'm going about my day they don't seem quite so daunting. When I'm in my bed, when the man that I love and has been perfectly designed is sleeping next to me, after I'm done praying, I'll start contemplating. And sometimes if I'm not careful, thoughts spin out of control.
It starts innocently enough, this crazy mental spin cycle. I'll think about Colton, what a blessing he is. Then I start mourning for the future children that I might not have, then I start thinking about all of the heavy burdens I might possibly have to carry at some point, and then things are rolling. I begin panicking, trying to figure out how to do it all on my own, and then I literally start begging God over and over again to take this cup from us, and tears are flowing. It's happened several times over the past two months.
So no, I don't ever wake up for a prayer shift in the night, but occasionally I do spend time freaking out before I go to bed.
And so is this okay, this wigging out? No, I really don't think it is. Human - yes, okay - no. It is at that very moment that my focus wanes from my Lord and squarely lands on myself. What am I going to do if I lose my husband? How am I going to raise my son? What if something happens to me too? What will I do if we beat this cancer and can't have more children? How can I handle seeing Ryan in pain? It's all very me-focused. Little time is spent figuring out how to glorify God, and self-preservation is paramount.
Matthew 14:30
But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Hello, Peter. I'm Kendra. I think we have something in common. We both can conquer mighty things so long as we keep our focus laser-sharp on the Lord, but the second we take our eyes off Him, we are sinking into a place where we don't need to be.
So okay, it's easy enough to say "keep your focus on the Lord". That's a bit arbitrary though. What does that look like, practically speaking?
We are told in 2 Corinthians 10:5 to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. How to do this? Well, obviously I'm not an expert since I have clearly stated that these cerebral meltdowns are happening to me on a somewhat regular basis. But I have done due diligence to educate myself on how to start the process of reclaiming the late night thinking sessions for my Lord.
Number one, I need to be in his Word faithfully. My thoughts can only be aligned with God's if I know Him, and to know him better I need to read my Bible daily (just so you know, there is a fair amount of self-admonishing going on right now). 'Nuff said.
Number two, I need to discern whether the thoughts I'm having are God-honoring or not. Lest you think that is hard, it's really not. Even in the midst of the spin cycle, it's easy to identify that my thoughts are self-focused and NOT God-honoring. A safe litmus test - does this sound anything like a Psalm? No, I'm not saying that we can't have mundane thoughts about groceries or football (FYI, I never think about football). However, if we're meditating on something for an extended period of time, it's much more edifying for us to be thinking of God and not solely about ourselves and our woes. In some translations, the very first part of the "taking thoughts captive" verse says we should be "casting down imaginations". Easy speak: kick those thoughts out of your head if they're not of God.
Number three, identify your enemy. Satan loves to prick our imaginations and he uses fear to hurt our relationship with our Lord. He made Eve doubt the Lord, and don't think he doesn't still do this today. He would love nothing more than to cripple Ryan and I with fear to the point where we begin to doubt that God is really sovereign over this situation.
Well, I suppose that since it is now past 3:30 a.m., I should begin the process of unwinding and finding a way to get to sleep. I think I'll start naming off a mental list of all of the blessings I have.
Hey, would it be unethical to take one of Ryan's pills to help me sleep?? Kidding!
Hello, Peter. I'm Kendra. I think we have something in common. We both can conquer mighty things so long as we keep our focus laser-sharp on the Lord, but the second we take our eyes off Him, we are sinking into a place where we don't need to be.
So okay, it's easy enough to say "keep your focus on the Lord". That's a bit arbitrary though. What does that look like, practically speaking?
We are told in 2 Corinthians 10:5 to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. How to do this? Well, obviously I'm not an expert since I have clearly stated that these cerebral meltdowns are happening to me on a somewhat regular basis. But I have done due diligence to educate myself on how to start the process of reclaiming the late night thinking sessions for my Lord.
Number one, I need to be in his Word faithfully. My thoughts can only be aligned with God's if I know Him, and to know him better I need to read my Bible daily (just so you know, there is a fair amount of self-admonishing going on right now). 'Nuff said.
Number two, I need to discern whether the thoughts I'm having are God-honoring or not. Lest you think that is hard, it's really not. Even in the midst of the spin cycle, it's easy to identify that my thoughts are self-focused and NOT God-honoring. A safe litmus test - does this sound anything like a Psalm? No, I'm not saying that we can't have mundane thoughts about groceries or football (FYI, I never think about football). However, if we're meditating on something for an extended period of time, it's much more edifying for us to be thinking of God and not solely about ourselves and our woes. In some translations, the very first part of the "taking thoughts captive" verse says we should be "casting down imaginations". Easy speak: kick those thoughts out of your head if they're not of God.
Number three, identify your enemy. Satan loves to prick our imaginations and he uses fear to hurt our relationship with our Lord. He made Eve doubt the Lord, and don't think he doesn't still do this today. He would love nothing more than to cripple Ryan and I with fear to the point where we begin to doubt that God is really sovereign over this situation.
Well, I suppose that since it is now past 3:30 a.m., I should begin the process of unwinding and finding a way to get to sleep. I think I'll start naming off a mental list of all of the blessings I have.
Hey, would it be unethical to take one of Ryan's pills to help me sleep?? Kidding!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Baring my soul...
I was judgmental, really judgmental. It was probably one of my worst qualities as a person. Only those closest to me probably knew this, and really only I know the depth of the depravity that occurred in my mind every time I saw some unfortunate soul that didn't fit the mold of what I thought someone should look or act like.
I have known this about myself for a while. Genuine compassion for others is not a character quality I was strong in. It was something I prayed for on a regular basis. When I was diagnosed back in 2007 with my liver disease, one thing I did was read through the Bible cover to cover in 9 days. Partly I was scared and seeking guidance from God on why I had the disease, partly I was on steroids and could only sleep 2 hours a day. Regardless probably the biggest pattern in Scripture that jumped out to me is how many times Jesus came across a crowd of people or an individual and "he felt compassion for them". This feeling of compassion is something I have yearned and prayed for over and over.
Fast forward to a cancer diagnosis. I have told some people that God has transformed my reality and my perspective. Fortunately one way is in how I view other people. You see, I have had my eyes illuminated to the Glory of God in a real and tangible way. I'm so motivated to help other people see Him the same way I do. Should God decide that I have many more years on this earth, I know my purpose clearly. To spur on others to see Him like I do with out having to go through what I have. When you are brought to the deepest valley you can imagine, everything is stripped away, including the sin in your life. This sin of judgmental-ism disappeared overnight. It was incredible. I just stopped being a jerk in my mind. God answered my prayer and blessed me with relief from this sin.
We know Jesus saw the world with a perfect view of God's glory. Imagine how motivating that was to share with the world. All that we were missing, he saw and felt. That's how I feel for individuals I encounter now. Instead of noticing oddities, imperfections, and quirks, I'm provoked by where their spirit is committed, who do they serve, do they know my God like I do? I don't want to miss an opportunity to share what I know with anybody God puts in my life. I really, honestly, Truly, FINALLY feel compassion for the lost. Praise God!
I have known this about myself for a while. Genuine compassion for others is not a character quality I was strong in. It was something I prayed for on a regular basis. When I was diagnosed back in 2007 with my liver disease, one thing I did was read through the Bible cover to cover in 9 days. Partly I was scared and seeking guidance from God on why I had the disease, partly I was on steroids and could only sleep 2 hours a day. Regardless probably the biggest pattern in Scripture that jumped out to me is how many times Jesus came across a crowd of people or an individual and "he felt compassion for them". This feeling of compassion is something I have yearned and prayed for over and over.
Fast forward to a cancer diagnosis. I have told some people that God has transformed my reality and my perspective. Fortunately one way is in how I view other people. You see, I have had my eyes illuminated to the Glory of God in a real and tangible way. I'm so motivated to help other people see Him the same way I do. Should God decide that I have many more years on this earth, I know my purpose clearly. To spur on others to see Him like I do with out having to go through what I have. When you are brought to the deepest valley you can imagine, everything is stripped away, including the sin in your life. This sin of judgmental-ism disappeared overnight. It was incredible. I just stopped being a jerk in my mind. God answered my prayer and blessed me with relief from this sin.
We know Jesus saw the world with a perfect view of God's glory. Imagine how motivating that was to share with the world. All that we were missing, he saw and felt. That's how I feel for individuals I encounter now. Instead of noticing oddities, imperfections, and quirks, I'm provoked by where their spirit is committed, who do they serve, do they know my God like I do? I don't want to miss an opportunity to share what I know with anybody God puts in my life. I really, honestly, Truly, FINALLY feel compassion for the lost. Praise God!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Finally a bit of good news
We just got news from the insurance provider that Ryan's employer uses, and treatment at CTCA is covered!!!
What an amazing quick answer to prayer. Kendra and I are so relieved to know that even though Kendra has lost her job for next fall, we will still be able to get our treatment at CTCA. It will be out of network and thus there will be some additional costs, but they are within reason.
Standing on God's promises of provision.
What an amazing quick answer to prayer. Kendra and I are so relieved to know that even though Kendra has lost her job for next fall, we will still be able to get our treatment at CTCA. It will be out of network and thus there will be some additional costs, but they are within reason.
Standing on God's promises of provision.
God's promises.
Life is not fun right now.
I feel like I've recently written a post that echoed this statement. My head is spinning and I feel ill as I am trying to contemplate what life will look like in a few months. Ryan and I met with a couple of representatives from my district this morning to map out what the ramifications are of losing my job - i.e. unemployment, COBRA insurance, recall, seniority, etc. Let's just say that the meeting left me with not a shred of hope in my job situation. It was all I could do not to throw up on the table as we were talking.
So in all of this, Ryan and I are definitely starting to feel downtrodden, like things are starting to spin out of control.. I don't know why this is all happening at once. I feel physically ill from stress and those feelings of anxiety and sickness and malaise are beginning to become the norm in my daily life. Am I losing faith? Not at all. But it feels like things have gotten to the point where I can't help but to physically respond to the emotions within me.
Suffice it to say, I think that Job, Moses, David, Paul, Peter, and many other people in the Bible experienced anxiety. Facing martyrdom, death of family members, plagues, loss of security - those things absolutely must have provoked a visceral reaction. How could they not? We are only human. The goal is not to be strong in ourselves, but to not allow fear to cripple our mission and purpose in life. Right now is hard, but I refuse, we absolutely refuse, to allow these trials defeat us. Satan will not get the upper hand here.
I've been trolling the Bible lately for verses for comfort and for combating fear. I've discovered and re-discovered some fundamental promises that God has made his people. I'll list them for you. Several of them you have probably heard a thousand times. I know I have. But they're more essential than I've ever found them to be. We are standing on these alone:
I feel like I've recently written a post that echoed this statement. My head is spinning and I feel ill as I am trying to contemplate what life will look like in a few months. Ryan and I met with a couple of representatives from my district this morning to map out what the ramifications are of losing my job - i.e. unemployment, COBRA insurance, recall, seniority, etc. Let's just say that the meeting left me with not a shred of hope in my job situation. It was all I could do not to throw up on the table as we were talking.
So in all of this, Ryan and I are definitely starting to feel downtrodden, like things are starting to spin out of control.. I don't know why this is all happening at once. I feel physically ill from stress and those feelings of anxiety and sickness and malaise are beginning to become the norm in my daily life. Am I losing faith? Not at all. But it feels like things have gotten to the point where I can't help but to physically respond to the emotions within me.
Suffice it to say, I think that Job, Moses, David, Paul, Peter, and many other people in the Bible experienced anxiety. Facing martyrdom, death of family members, plagues, loss of security - those things absolutely must have provoked a visceral reaction. How could they not? We are only human. The goal is not to be strong in ourselves, but to not allow fear to cripple our mission and purpose in life. Right now is hard, but I refuse, we absolutely refuse, to allow these trials defeat us. Satan will not get the upper hand here.
I've been trolling the Bible lately for verses for comfort and for combating fear. I've discovered and re-discovered some fundamental promises that God has made his people. I'll list them for you. Several of them you have probably heard a thousand times. I know I have. But they're more essential than I've ever found them to be. We are standing on these alone:
- Jeremiah 29:11 - "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
- James 4:10 - "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."
- Luke 12:31 - "But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well."
- John 14:14 - "You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it."
- Psalm 32:8 - "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."
- James 1:5 - "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."
- Deuteronomy 31:8 - "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." (emphasis added)
And then when I was in Psalms the other day, I read this passage aloud to Ryan because it sounded eerily similar to what we have been praying lately. I have returned to this passage again, and again, and again.
Psalm 86
A prayer of David. 1 Hear me, LORD, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.
2 Guard my life, for I am faithful to you;
save your servant who trusts in you.
You are my God; 3 have mercy on me, Lord,
for I call to you all day long.
4 Bring joy to your servant, Lord,
for I put my trust in you.
for I am poor and needy.
2 Guard my life, for I am faithful to you;
save your servant who trusts in you.
You are my God; 3 have mercy on me, Lord,
for I call to you all day long.
4 Bring joy to your servant, Lord,
for I put my trust in you.
5 You, Lord, are forgiving and good,
abounding in love to all who call to you.
6 Hear my prayer, LORD;
listen to my cry for mercy.
7 When I am in distress, I call to you,
because you answer me.
abounding in love to all who call to you.
6 Hear my prayer, LORD;
listen to my cry for mercy.
7 When I am in distress, I call to you,
because you answer me.
8 Among the gods there is none like you, Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.
9 All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.
10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.
no deeds can compare with yours.
9 All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.
10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.
11 Teach me your way, LORD,
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
12 I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
13 For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths,
from the realm of the dead.
Preach it, brother David.
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
12 I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
13 For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths,
from the realm of the dead.
Preach it, brother David.
Prayer for today: Father, you have delivered me from my days of unbelief. I am no longer walking in darkness. I praise you for that, Lord. In everything, my hope remains firmly in you and your provision. I rely on you for everything, now more than ever. Hear our cries, protect our family, heal our minds and heal Ryan's body. Give us faith. Give us peace that transcends our circumstances. We love you Lord, you are everything to us.
Hear us, Father.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Weekend update!
Hello praying friends, just to let you know, God answers prayer... in a big way. We have been praying, and we know many of you have been praying for Ryan to have minimal side effects. Guess what. IT'S WORKING!
The only thing that Ryan has been suffering from is fatigue and slight nausea. The nausea is perhaps more present than the last round, but Ryan has been much more in motion this time. We were very busy with activities yesterday, but we made sure to take frequent rest breaks and Ryan did take a pretty long afternoon nap. He slept in until 10 a.m. today, but he is feeling well enough to eat a healthy breakfast right away, and now he is playing with his son. I can't tell you how much I love watching that!
The only thing that Ryan has been suffering from is fatigue and slight nausea. The nausea is perhaps more present than the last round, but Ryan has been much more in motion this time. We were very busy with activities yesterday, but we made sure to take frequent rest breaks and Ryan did take a pretty long afternoon nap. He slept in until 10 a.m. today, but he is feeling well enough to eat a healthy breakfast right away, and now he is playing with his son. I can't tell you how much I love watching that!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Chemo? What Chemo?
Kendra and I arrived home yesterday night after a late night of chemo infusion Wednesday. We had a slow start coming home, hit some traffic and arrived home about 7 pm. I felt pretty decent all day on Thursday but that is how I felt last time as well. If the chemo went according to plan, then Friday should have been a bear of a day.
I woke up this morning so hopeful I would feel well. Grace Adventures' annual Golf Marathon was today. This is the first time I had decided to be a participant in helping to raise money for summer, to help impact children with Jesus Christ. I made that decision before cancer. Then when my chemo schedule lined out so that my worst treatment would be 2 days before hand, I figured there was no way I could golf today.
I raised money for the event nonetheless, and had a backup golfer fill my spot (thanks Mom). So I woke up this morning at 7 feeling pretty good. My wife made me go back to bed, but at 7:30 I couldn't sleep any more. So I begged, negotiated, whined, and manipulated, and finally got my wife to agree to drive me 1 hour to the golf event. (Kendra's edit: I never win these arguments. It was either take him for a drive and carefully monitor his exertions, or else I would hear about it alllll day long.)
I didn't golf 100 holes like a lot of people did. I didn't even golf a full 9 I don't think. But I golfed a couple. I got outside and was able to be a part of the event. I felt pretty good most of the day. The drive home was rough, but I had a quick cat nap and now I'm better. My appetite is very weak and nausea comes and goes. Please pray I could start eating.
I'm so thankful that God blesses us with little things. I don't know if it mattered to Him that I made it to the Golf Marathon, but it mattered to me. It was a huge blessing and I'm very thankful. I can't wait for what tomorrow's little blessing may be.
P.S. If you're interested in making a donation towards the Golf Marathon, it's not too late! Email me at ryan@graceadventures.org
I woke up this morning so hopeful I would feel well. Grace Adventures' annual Golf Marathon was today. This is the first time I had decided to be a participant in helping to raise money for summer, to help impact children with Jesus Christ. I made that decision before cancer. Then when my chemo schedule lined out so that my worst treatment would be 2 days before hand, I figured there was no way I could golf today.
I raised money for the event nonetheless, and had a backup golfer fill my spot (thanks Mom). So I woke up this morning at 7 feeling pretty good. My wife made me go back to bed, but at 7:30 I couldn't sleep any more. So I begged, negotiated, whined, and manipulated, and finally got my wife to agree to drive me 1 hour to the golf event. (Kendra's edit: I never win these arguments. It was either take him for a drive and carefully monitor his exertions, or else I would hear about it alllll day long.)
I didn't golf 100 holes like a lot of people did. I didn't even golf a full 9 I don't think. But I golfed a couple. I got outside and was able to be a part of the event. I felt pretty good most of the day. The drive home was rough, but I had a quick cat nap and now I'm better. My appetite is very weak and nausea comes and goes. Please pray I could start eating.
I'm so thankful that God blesses us with little things. I don't know if it mattered to Him that I made it to the Golf Marathon, but it mattered to me. It was a huge blessing and I'm very thankful. I can't wait for what tomorrow's little blessing may be.
P.S. If you're interested in making a donation towards the Golf Marathon, it's not too late! Email me at ryan@graceadventures.org
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Bible finally makes sense...
Have you ever heard something in the Bible that just didn't make any sense to you? I hope I'm not the only one. One verse that used to do it to me was;
Philippians 1:21, For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.
These last couple of months I have had to seriously contemplate when my time on this earth may end. It is scary, surreal, and unsettling to think about these things. Something has also gotten my attention that is exciting.
People ask us all the time how we're doing. My response is that it has been the best two months of my left and the worst two months. I love to tell people though about why it has been the best. One reason is that Kendra and I are convinced that God is powerfully and actively at work around us. Something BIG is happening right now. We're seeing signs of things that tell us an incredible thing is about to happen. We both feel like it is still building, getting bigger, like the crescendo of a song. We don't know what it is or what it looks like. We do know it's God-sized and God-led.
We get to be front and center to all of this. We're on the front row watching the fantastic narrative unfold. To be completely honest with you, I don't know at what level God is planning on using me in this process. God at work in our lives gives us great hope, not necessarily that God would heal me, but that He is using me through this.
Which brings me back to the verse.
Philippians 1:21, For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.
It always seemed backwards to me. If you die, then you're with Christ. Any extra time He gives you on this earth seemed like gain. Any time to spend with your family, enjoying life, growing old, all of that just seemed like a bonus to me (a bonus I still am desiring).
I was looking at it wrong however. I feel like if God saves me from this cancer, then to live is to be able to share Christ more with all those around me. To tell the great story of who He is and what He has done in my life. To live is to be Christ's ambassador to those around me.
To die is gain. I've told a couple people that I come out smelling like roses no matter what God decided to do with my body. To die is gain. Meaning I'll be in a better place than on this earth. No suffering. No pain.
A couple months ago before all this happened I told Kendra I feel overwhelmed when I think of everything God has in store for me to accomplish. I still feel that way. I don't know when I will leave, none of us do. I do know that;
Philippians 1:6, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Like I said, Kendra and I don't know what God is doing, but it is HUGE. He will complete it. We're so excited to be a part of it, and to see what it is.
Philippians 1:21, For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.
These last couple of months I have had to seriously contemplate when my time on this earth may end. It is scary, surreal, and unsettling to think about these things. Something has also gotten my attention that is exciting.
People ask us all the time how we're doing. My response is that it has been the best two months of my left and the worst two months. I love to tell people though about why it has been the best. One reason is that Kendra and I are convinced that God is powerfully and actively at work around us. Something BIG is happening right now. We're seeing signs of things that tell us an incredible thing is about to happen. We both feel like it is still building, getting bigger, like the crescendo of a song. We don't know what it is or what it looks like. We do know it's God-sized and God-led.
We get to be front and center to all of this. We're on the front row watching the fantastic narrative unfold. To be completely honest with you, I don't know at what level God is planning on using me in this process. God at work in our lives gives us great hope, not necessarily that God would heal me, but that He is using me through this.
Which brings me back to the verse.
Philippians 1:21, For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.
It always seemed backwards to me. If you die, then you're with Christ. Any extra time He gives you on this earth seemed like gain. Any time to spend with your family, enjoying life, growing old, all of that just seemed like a bonus to me (a bonus I still am desiring).
I was looking at it wrong however. I feel like if God saves me from this cancer, then to live is to be able to share Christ more with all those around me. To tell the great story of who He is and what He has done in my life. To live is to be Christ's ambassador to those around me.
To die is gain. I've told a couple people that I come out smelling like roses no matter what God decided to do with my body. To die is gain. Meaning I'll be in a better place than on this earth. No suffering. No pain.
A couple months ago before all this happened I told Kendra I feel overwhelmed when I think of everything God has in store for me to accomplish. I still feel that way. I don't know when I will leave, none of us do. I do know that;
Philippians 1:6, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Like I said, Kendra and I don't know what God is doing, but it is HUGE. He will complete it. We're so excited to be a part of it, and to see what it is.
The Hansen family.
In case you haven't heard, there is another family in our area who is going through the cancer journey at the same time as us and our stories are very similar. Collin, Courtney, Ryan and I all graduated from Hart High School within a few years of each other. They also have one son, who is just about exactly two years older than Colton.... and his name is Cole! Courtney is a first year teacher in the neighbor district to where I work. Collin has another GI cancer and it has metastisized. The similarities are just numerous.
They got good news yesterday... Collin appears to be responding to treatment! We praise the Lord for an answer to prayer, as we have been praying for Collin and Courtney right alongside our prayers for our own healing. God is doing something big in Oceana County. Let's see what it is!
Anyway, there is a benefit for this other young family this weekend. There are details on www.operationhansen.com. We hope to attend if Ryan feels well enough!
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