Eating dinner tonight - a gourmet delight consisting of macaroni and cheese and reheated leftovers (hey, a single mom has to cut corners sometimes!), today's date jarred my memory.
Instantly I was transported back to March 26, six months ago today. A very grave, dejected Dr. Vashi, gently telling Ryan and I the words that we so desperately did not want to hear.
It was time to go home. No more options.
I had steeled myself for this news for the previous 24 hours. I could see the whole news unfolding exactly as it did, almost like a premonition or a foreshadowing. I could see the symptoms increasing. I knew that Ryan's surgery six days prior had been unsuccessful in its attempt to stop the internal bleeding that had plagued him since late February.
However, my husband had not spent the same amount of time preparing himself for the news. When we had a private moment, my husband, weak and bone-thin after four weeks of fighting for his life with every ounce of strength he had, laid his head on my shoulder and quietly sobbed and we prayed. Most of it was guttural, but it was almost an entirely non-verbal plea for grace, peace, and mercy.
And there it came, rushing over us yet again, even in one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. And even in that excruciating moment where death stared us in the eyes, I knew that God's grace was once again going to sustain and buoy us through the next (short) chapter of our lives. Because it is sufficient for me. It was for Ryan.
It is for you, too.
2 Corinthians 12:8-9 "Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that [the thorn] should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
The next two weeks will be really tough for me again as the six-month anniversary of Ryan's passing approaches. The combination of the impending anniversary and school starting (Really? I'm really doing all of this myself? All the time? No breaks?) has left me feeling bereft, lonely, and overwhelmed for the past few weeks.
And yet, throughout all of the pain that this month of September has dredged up, I am reminded of that sufficient grace. As a believer, I have an enormous source of power within me that is a direct result of the Holy Spirit's indwelling of me. This power has allowed me to choose joy in spite of paralyzing sadness, and has allowed me to live life in abundance in spite of my weakness.
My Savior loves me. My Father comforts me. His Spirit sustains me.
And His grace is an ocean in which I am still sinking, six months later.