Prayer request for Colton

Hello friends, I don't have any deep thoughts to share today. I only have a simple request: that you would continue to pray for my precious son. He is really struggling right now to understand why his dad left him and there are a lot of emotions that we are handling. Anger and sadness are definitely the most prominent. It is all normal and a part of the healing process. Kids process grief so differently from adults and Colton didn't have the luxury of understanding for two years what was about to happen. He is just truly beginning to understand what this all means. 

Please pray for me, too. It rips me apart to see Colton so torn about it and when the grief causes anger and misbehavior, sometimes it's hard to discern what is normal toddler behavior and what necessitates further conversation with him. I certainly need wisdom and guidance to weather this particular storm. I am so grateful for your continued bringing us before the throne. 

A thought for this painful week.

This week I have doubted God.

In a weak moment, I lashed out at him in anger on behalf of a friend who is dealing with way more sorrow than I can even comprehend. I doubted His goodness. I doubted His plan for her. I doubted whether He even really listens to us when we cry out to Him, as it seems as if He already has His plans made out for our lives, like it or not.

But then I stumbled across this passage:

I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted. I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked: "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?" Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds." Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples. (Psalm 77:1-14 NIV)

How quickly I can forget the awesome wonders my God has done for me, for us, and for generations before us. He has called us out of darkness and placed us under His tender care. He has provided for us, and will not stop doing so. My God is the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph...a God who has shown mercy and miracles in countless stories across the course of time. Who am I to doubt the goodness of a God who even cares for the well-being of a sparrow?

This next part of our journey will bring tears, sorrow, and pain as we struggle to comprehend the question "Why?". But I know at the end of the day, we believers have eternal security in the palm of a loving Father. And that, my friends, is a beautiful place to be.

Anger

Hi everyone, I've been pretty silent on this blog since Sunday, even though it's been a very eventful week.  You see, no one would want to read what's been going through my head this week.  I've been in a dark, angry place since...well, I'm not exactly sure when it started.  It's been a few days now.

It's all completely circumstance-related.  Ryan has had an awful week, dealing with side effects of chemotherapy and possibly even a stomach bug.  He has been SO sick, and we have been on vacation at a very nice rental house in Ludington since we got back from Chicago.  Although it was a nice place to recover from treatment, this is hands down the worst vacation I have been on.

But I don't really care about vacations.  I care about my husband.  And there have been so many times this week, where as I have been listening to him vomit in the bathroom again, I have burned with anger.  Why anger?  Well, as I told God this week, "You could so easily take this away from him.  You could touch his body and with that one touch, he could be relieved of these symptoms.  Why are you allowing him to be trashed like this?"  That's a pretty PG version of what I was saying at times.

I've not opened my Bible since Saturday.  Didn't even want to read about God's righteousness or mercy, I wanted to see it displayed by healing my husband.  This anger has caused me to be impatient with my son, short with my husband (like he needs that right now), and mopey.  And furthermore, I do not look attractive when I frown.

(Am I being too honest?  I hope that you're not aghast at how horrible I am...)

So I've been honest with God.  I'm not afraid to tell Him how I feel, but I am afraid of allowing anger to become a wedge in my relationship with Him.  Afraid of becoming like an Israelite.

Seemingly every time that the Israelites were in the desert and they had a problem, they took it out on poor Moses and complained against the Lord. "We have no water.  We don't like manna."  Their heads were totally buried in the sand. God was testing them! He was teaching them how to rely on Him for their every need. Unfortunately, the Israelites were thickheaded and it doesn't seem like they ever learned how to put their faith and trust in God. Their unbelief crippled their ability to allow the Lord's blessings to flow over them.

I don't want to be like the Israelites.  I want to trust God with every fiber of my soul, but it's easier to type that than it is to internalize it.  I know in my head that he has a plan for us, and I can still see that this cancer is a catalyst for something big.  I haven't lost sight of that.  But it's too easy to not see the forest through the trees, and this week was a big test for me.  I wish that I could say that I passed this faith test with flying colors...but by all accounts, I failed.  Miserably.

Lesson learned.  I'll do better next time.


And credit goes to Ryan, who so skillfully and even tactfully pointed out to me that my heart was totally in the wrong place.  Thanks, hubs, you are always my voice of reason.  I love you endlessly.