...Yet not my will, but Yours be done.

Luke 22:42
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

The prayer of our hearts for two years:  Father, please.  Please.  PLEASE!  Take this cup from us.  Heal Ryan.  Please restore him to health.  Please give us normalcy again.  Please do not let him go from this earth too soon.

But Lord, we do trust you.  We know Your character, and we know Your truth.  We stand on that knowledge, and that knowledge coupled with Your enveloping grace, are the only cards we have to play.  So Lord, we ask that Your will would be done, because we trust that even though it doesn't make sense on this side of eternity, somehow these plans are meant to prosper us (and to further Your kingdom, more importantly) and not to harm us.

I imagine that as Jesus prayed that prayer in the garden of Gethsemane, that he was probably feeling a lot like we are right now.  Dreading what lay ahead.  But yet also peacefully resigned to the will of the Lord.

You see, friends, we have been grappling with our own future this week, much the same way that Jesus grappled with his.  My blog post last Monday was almost triumphant in nature.  That was the tone of the day.  Things were looking up.  We were going to get out of the hospital.  Bleeding had stopped.  Our oncologist was starting to talk about the possibility of doing more treatments in the future.  We were ecstatic.

And then the bleeding started again.  In earnest.

And our doctor, full of compassion and concern, told us last Tuesday the words that we have so dreaded hearing.  We are out of options.  We have done everything that we can do to save Ryan's life.  It was now time to go home and enjoy what time we have left.  And that time is probably better measured in days and weeks than in months.

We have always wanted to keep this community, you, our support network, as up to date as possible, but facing what seems to be approaching has been difficult.  We needed time to process. I do hope you'll understand why we haven't been forthcoming with this news - it has ripped our hearts to shreds and we have struggled with how and when to tell all of you. I know that this post is going to be a tremendous letdown for literally thousands of people, and I so wish that I had better news to bring.

Thank you for the grace, love, and support you have shown our family for now over two years. Please pray with us for courage, comfort and peace right now. We continue to place our hope in the Lord, and we always will.

We love you.

One bumpy ride

Dear friends and family,

After enduring five hours on a gurney, basically strapped in the bed of a pickup truck, by the grace of God I made it home. As you can imagine, this trip took quite a bit out of me. Kendra and our families plan on taking some time to recharge our batteries and learn about what our new normal looks like. We understand many of you have a strong desire to connect with us, but we would like to get through the next VERY busy few days and then see what next week looks like. Thank you so much for your cards, emails, and encouraging comments. We are blessed.

At home, and happy!

Hello friends and family,

I would like to happily announce that this blog is being written from the comfort of my living room in New Era, Michigan.  Ryan and Steve and I returned around 3:00 AM yesterday morning.  It has been a very busy time trying to get things settled, organized, and for life to kind of return back to normal.  To give some perspective, Ryan and I have only been home for about 6 out of the last 14 days!  Naturally, there are a lot of bills to pay, laundry, housework, and bags to unpack (I hadn't even unpacked our suitcase from going to Zion for scans last week before we left again).

Ryan is doing pretty well, but has a long way to go before he's "normal" again.  Right now his demeanor and stamina is kind of like what it is after he gets an infusion.  But the story is, essentially he had a simple infection that has started to go systemic.  Actually, because his white blood cell counts were so low, it advanced extremely quickly.  He was pretty much fine last Thursday, and he was septic by Friday afternoon.  He also had a small spot of his body that was hemorrhagic because of the infection, so his oncologist is giving Ryan another full week off of treatment to completely heal from this.  That puts his next treatment around August 28th.  That will be an entire month off, which is the longest he has gone for the last sixteen months without treatment.  Although I celebrate that he has some time off to recuperate from a very, very long stretch of chemotherapy, I would be a liar if I didn't say that I was slightly nervous about losing ground.

Speaking of momentum, we found out from a CT scan this week that his tumors are dying quickly.  The two spots that I mentioned he still had last week had shrunk noticeably in only one week.  We are praising God for this news, as it finally seems like we have struck the right chord in treatment.  Radiation? New chemo regimen? New nutritional lifestyle? Just simply God's timing and healing?  We aren't sure which combination of those four things it is, but we are grateful that the Lord has chosen to move in this way.

We are also extremely thankful for the people that helped us through this.  We are especially grateful for Steve, who accompanied us on what was SUPPOSED to be a short trip to the ER, and turned out to be a multi-day ordeal in Zion.  Cathey and my parents took care of Colton and Tuff, our dog.  Corey picked us up when Steve's car broke down and took us to Zion, and then he let us use his car the rest of the trip.  Chad, Ryan's friend and coworker, looked after our horses and even made sure that they made it to the farrier.  Lots more people offered their help and support.  And we could not be more encouraged and grateful for the support that people have given us through our blog and Twitter and Facebook.  We are floored by the love and the excitement and concern that people have demonstrated to us the last couple of weeks.

In spite of the unexpected infection and hospital stay, we have had a VERY positive August.  We could not be more thrilled with the news we've received and are riding a tidal wave of happiness.  Medically speaking, Ryan should not be alive, and he should not be doing as well as he is.  By God's grace, we are in this position, and we give Him all the glory and honor.