Dearest friends, family,
I cannot thank you enough for the many messages, texts, cards, posts on Facebook, flowers (thanks, Delynn!), and other tangible demonstrations of support that Ryan's family and I have gotten from loved ones this week. One of Ryan's former campers even wrote an open letter to her baby son about where he got his middle name of "Ryan", and it was powerful! I still consider myself to be so fortunate to forever be linked to this incredible person that left such an indelible mark upon the world around him. Thank you, Ryan, for making us all better and for bringing glory to your Savior.
That six-week stretch of time from Ryan's birthday through this week has been challenging at times as I have reflected upon the incredible loss that we all experienced a year ago. I am so grateful that the God I serve is the same God for which this verse is written: "When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me." (Psalm 86:7, NIV) The unbelievable peace and joy that I've been able to still have even in the midst of grieving is only because of the mercy and goodness that my heavenly Father has poured out on me over and over again. When I'm afraid, sad, confused, hurt, or lonely, He is more than enough! It is the same way with Colton and his mama. When Colton heard an enormous clap of thunder during a storm last night, he came running to me and jumped in bed with me. His mom is his safe harbor. Our God is a safe refuge in the midst of a storm (Isaiah 25:4). I can't imagine having gotten through this past year in one whole piece without the grace and protection that I have received from God.
But I would also like to share with the readers of this blog about the most incredible experience that I've gotten to have as a parent. This past Monday night, one year later (almost to the minute) from when Colton said goodnight to his dad, Colton prayed and asked to receive Jesus into his heart! He was quite insistent with me that he wanted to follow God at that very moment. I was so blessed and honored to be able to do that with my precious son. He turns four tomorrow (April 14), and his dad was also four when he first followed the Lord. I am amazed at God's timing, and so excited to know that someday all three of us will be together again in eternity.
Life continues to go well for Colton and I. We've had the opportunity to travel a little more, make some memories together, and we have had people come into our lives that have been timely friends and have brought much joy. Colton still asks about his dad a few times a week, and we get to have wonderful conversations about his dad's character. He did go through a period of time not that long ago where his sadness about his dad was perhaps a little overwhelming to him, but now he seems to have evened out a little bit. He is doing amazingly well and I'm grateful that God seems to have given each of us (and also gave Ryan) a little extra share of resilience when he created us.
Again, thanks to all of you for continuing to pray for us and to think of us and reach out. I'm grateful for every message sent my way and I can feel the grace that you are asking God to give me! With God behind me and the body of Christ around me, Colton and I continue to stay upright and moving forward.
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Thursday, September 26, 2013
If His grace is an ocean...
Eating dinner tonight - a gourmet delight consisting of macaroni and cheese and reheated leftovers (hey, a single mom has to cut corners sometimes!), today's date jarred my memory.
Instantly I was transported back to March 26, six months ago today. A very grave, dejected Dr. Vashi, gently telling Ryan and I the words that we so desperately did not want to hear.
It was time to go home. No more options.
I had steeled myself for this news for the previous 24 hours. I could see the whole news unfolding exactly as it did, almost like a premonition or a foreshadowing. I could see the symptoms increasing. I knew that Ryan's surgery six days prior had been unsuccessful in its attempt to stop the internal bleeding that had plagued him since late February.
However, my husband had not spent the same amount of time preparing himself for the news. When we had a private moment, my husband, weak and bone-thin after four weeks of fighting for his life with every ounce of strength he had, laid his head on my shoulder and quietly sobbed and we prayed. Most of it was guttural, but it was almost an entirely non-verbal plea for grace, peace, and mercy.
And there it came, rushing over us yet again, even in one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. And even in that excruciating moment where death stared us in the eyes, I knew that God's grace was once again going to sustain and buoy us through the next (short) chapter of our lives. Because it is sufficient for me. It was for Ryan.
It is for you, too.
2 Corinthians 12:8-9 "Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that [the thorn] should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
The next two weeks will be really tough for me again as the six-month anniversary of Ryan's passing approaches. The combination of the impending anniversary and school starting (Really? I'm really doing all of this myself? All the time? No breaks?) has left me feeling bereft, lonely, and overwhelmed for the past few weeks.
And yet, throughout all of the pain that this month of September has dredged up, I am reminded of that sufficient grace. As a believer, I have an enormous source of power within me that is a direct result of the Holy Spirit's indwelling of me. This power has allowed me to choose joy in spite of paralyzing sadness, and has allowed me to live life in abundance in spite of my weakness.
My Savior loves me. My Father comforts me. His Spirit sustains me.
And His grace is an ocean in which I am still sinking, six months later.
Instantly I was transported back to March 26, six months ago today. A very grave, dejected Dr. Vashi, gently telling Ryan and I the words that we so desperately did not want to hear.
It was time to go home. No more options.
I had steeled myself for this news for the previous 24 hours. I could see the whole news unfolding exactly as it did, almost like a premonition or a foreshadowing. I could see the symptoms increasing. I knew that Ryan's surgery six days prior had been unsuccessful in its attempt to stop the internal bleeding that had plagued him since late February.
However, my husband had not spent the same amount of time preparing himself for the news. When we had a private moment, my husband, weak and bone-thin after four weeks of fighting for his life with every ounce of strength he had, laid his head on my shoulder and quietly sobbed and we prayed. Most of it was guttural, but it was almost an entirely non-verbal plea for grace, peace, and mercy.
And there it came, rushing over us yet again, even in one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. And even in that excruciating moment where death stared us in the eyes, I knew that God's grace was once again going to sustain and buoy us through the next (short) chapter of our lives. Because it is sufficient for me. It was for Ryan.
It is for you, too.
2 Corinthians 12:8-9 "Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that [the thorn] should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
The next two weeks will be really tough for me again as the six-month anniversary of Ryan's passing approaches. The combination of the impending anniversary and school starting (Really? I'm really doing all of this myself? All the time? No breaks?) has left me feeling bereft, lonely, and overwhelmed for the past few weeks.
And yet, throughout all of the pain that this month of September has dredged up, I am reminded of that sufficient grace. As a believer, I have an enormous source of power within me that is a direct result of the Holy Spirit's indwelling of me. This power has allowed me to choose joy in spite of paralyzing sadness, and has allowed me to live life in abundance in spite of my weakness.
My Savior loves me. My Father comforts me. His Spirit sustains me.
And His grace is an ocean in which I am still sinking, six months later.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
...Yet not my will, but Yours be done.
Luke 22:42
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."
The prayer of our hearts for two years: Father, please. Please. PLEASE! Take this cup from us. Heal Ryan. Please restore him to health. Please give us normalcy again. Please do not let him go from this earth too soon.
But Lord, we do trust you. We know Your character, and we know Your truth. We stand on that knowledge, and that knowledge coupled with Your enveloping grace, are the only cards we have to play. So Lord, we ask that Your will would be done, because we trust that even though it doesn't make sense on this side of eternity, somehow these plans are meant to prosper us (and to further Your kingdom, more importantly) and not to harm us.
I imagine that as Jesus prayed that prayer in the garden of Gethsemane, that he was probably feeling a lot like we are right now. Dreading what lay ahead. But yet also peacefully resigned to the will of the Lord.
You see, friends, we have been grappling with our own future this week, much the same way that Jesus grappled with his. My blog post last Monday was almost triumphant in nature. That was the tone of the day. Things were looking up. We were going to get out of the hospital. Bleeding had stopped. Our oncologist was starting to talk about the possibility of doing more treatments in the future. We were ecstatic.
And then the bleeding started again. In earnest.
And our doctor, full of compassion and concern, told us last Tuesday the words that we have so dreaded hearing. We are out of options. We have done everything that we can do to save Ryan's life. It was now time to go home and enjoy what time we have left. And that time is probably better measured in days and weeks than in months.
We have always wanted to keep this community, you, our support network, as up to date as possible, but facing what seems to be approaching has been difficult. We needed time to process. I do hope you'll understand why we haven't been forthcoming with this news - it has ripped our hearts to shreds and we have struggled with how and when to tell all of you. I know that this post is going to be a tremendous letdown for literally thousands of people, and I so wish that I had better news to bring.
Thank you for the grace, love, and support you have shown our family for now over two years. Please pray with us for courage, comfort and peace right now. We continue to place our hope in the Lord, and we always will.
We love you.
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."
The prayer of our hearts for two years: Father, please. Please. PLEASE! Take this cup from us. Heal Ryan. Please restore him to health. Please give us normalcy again. Please do not let him go from this earth too soon.
But Lord, we do trust you. We know Your character, and we know Your truth. We stand on that knowledge, and that knowledge coupled with Your enveloping grace, are the only cards we have to play. So Lord, we ask that Your will would be done, because we trust that even though it doesn't make sense on this side of eternity, somehow these plans are meant to prosper us (and to further Your kingdom, more importantly) and not to harm us.
I imagine that as Jesus prayed that prayer in the garden of Gethsemane, that he was probably feeling a lot like we are right now. Dreading what lay ahead. But yet also peacefully resigned to the will of the Lord.
You see, friends, we have been grappling with our own future this week, much the same way that Jesus grappled with his. My blog post last Monday was almost triumphant in nature. That was the tone of the day. Things were looking up. We were going to get out of the hospital. Bleeding had stopped. Our oncologist was starting to talk about the possibility of doing more treatments in the future. We were ecstatic.
And then the bleeding started again. In earnest.
And our doctor, full of compassion and concern, told us last Tuesday the words that we have so dreaded hearing. We are out of options. We have done everything that we can do to save Ryan's life. It was now time to go home and enjoy what time we have left. And that time is probably better measured in days and weeks than in months.
We have always wanted to keep this community, you, our support network, as up to date as possible, but facing what seems to be approaching has been difficult. We needed time to process. I do hope you'll understand why we haven't been forthcoming with this news - it has ripped our hearts to shreds and we have struggled with how and when to tell all of you. I know that this post is going to be a tremendous letdown for literally thousands of people, and I so wish that I had better news to bring.
Thank you for the grace, love, and support you have shown our family for now over two years. Please pray with us for courage, comfort and peace right now. We continue to place our hope in the Lord, and we always will.
We love you.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Laparoscopy tomorrow
Hello friends,
Well, it's scheduled.
Tomorrow later in the morning, Ryan will go in for a laparoscopy (you should hear how many different ways we have pronounced that today). They are going in for a diagnostic laparoscopy, and they are going to look for "the leak". If they do not find a leak or they find a tumor is simply "oozing" blood, then there is not much that they can do and the procedure will be over. If they find a leak, they will try to cauterize, clamp, or sew the leak (whatever is appropriate). There is a small risk that there might be a major organ involved in the leak, such as the colon. There is a possibility of Ryan having to have part of his colon resected, if that is the case.
Yikes, I'm sure that just got your attention.
There are obviously some risks involved in this procedure. The biggest is general anesthesia. There are obviously more major risks if the procedure progresses to the point where they need to do an open surgery. We ask for you to cover Ryan in prayer tomorrow, for his safety and for the wisdom and guidance for the doctors. We feel at peace. If this is successful and stops the leak, we are so grateful. If it doesn't and we have to make some tough decisions, we are at peace with that as well.
Our God is so faithful to us. As Ryan and I look back over the last seven years of marriage, we see so many instances of where we had needs, and God provided for them. Every. Single. Time. He's continuing to do the same for us now...covering us in grace and peace when we so sorely need it.
Psalm 85: 8-9
8 I will listen to what God the Lord says;
he promises peace to his people, his faithful servants—
but let them not turn to folly.
9 Surely his salvation is near those who fear him,
that his glory may dwell in our land.
Well, it's scheduled.
Tomorrow later in the morning, Ryan will go in for a laparoscopy (you should hear how many different ways we have pronounced that today). They are going in for a diagnostic laparoscopy, and they are going to look for "the leak". If they do not find a leak or they find a tumor is simply "oozing" blood, then there is not much that they can do and the procedure will be over. If they find a leak, they will try to cauterize, clamp, or sew the leak (whatever is appropriate). There is a small risk that there might be a major organ involved in the leak, such as the colon. There is a possibility of Ryan having to have part of his colon resected, if that is the case.
Yikes, I'm sure that just got your attention.
There are obviously some risks involved in this procedure. The biggest is general anesthesia. There are obviously more major risks if the procedure progresses to the point where they need to do an open surgery. We ask for you to cover Ryan in prayer tomorrow, for his safety and for the wisdom and guidance for the doctors. We feel at peace. If this is successful and stops the leak, we are so grateful. If it doesn't and we have to make some tough decisions, we are at peace with that as well.
Our God is so faithful to us. As Ryan and I look back over the last seven years of marriage, we see so many instances of where we had needs, and God provided for them. Every. Single. Time. He's continuing to do the same for us now...covering us in grace and peace when we so sorely need it.
Psalm 85: 8-9
8 I will listen to what God the Lord says;
he promises peace to his people, his faithful servants—
but let them not turn to folly.
9 Surely his salvation is near those who fear him,
that his glory may dwell in our land.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
At home, and happy!
Hello friends and family,
I would like to happily announce that this blog is being written from the comfort of my living room in New Era, Michigan. Ryan and Steve and I returned around 3:00 AM yesterday morning. It has been a very busy time trying to get things settled, organized, and for life to kind of return back to normal. To give some perspective, Ryan and I have only been home for about 6 out of the last 14 days! Naturally, there are a lot of bills to pay, laundry, housework, and bags to unpack (I hadn't even unpacked our suitcase from going to Zion for scans last week before we left again).
Ryan is doing pretty well, but has a long way to go before he's "normal" again. Right now his demeanor and stamina is kind of like what it is after he gets an infusion. But the story is, essentially he had a simple infection that has started to go systemic. Actually, because his white blood cell counts were so low, it advanced extremely quickly. He was pretty much fine last Thursday, and he was septic by Friday afternoon. He also had a small spot of his body that was hemorrhagic because of the infection, so his oncologist is giving Ryan another full week off of treatment to completely heal from this. That puts his next treatment around August 28th. That will be an entire month off, which is the longest he has gone for the last sixteen months without treatment. Although I celebrate that he has some time off to recuperate from a very, very long stretch of chemotherapy, I would be a liar if I didn't say that I was slightly nervous about losing ground.
Speaking of momentum, we found out from a CT scan this week that his tumors are dying quickly. The two spots that I mentioned he still had last week had shrunk noticeably in only one week. We are praising God for this news, as it finally seems like we have struck the right chord in treatment. Radiation? New chemo regimen? New nutritional lifestyle? Just simply God's timing and healing? We aren't sure which combination of those four things it is, but we are grateful that the Lord has chosen to move in this way.
We are also extremely thankful for the people that helped us through this. We are especially grateful for Steve, who accompanied us on what was SUPPOSED to be a short trip to the ER, and turned out to be a multi-day ordeal in Zion. Cathey and my parents took care of Colton and Tuff, our dog. Corey picked us up when Steve's car broke down and took us to Zion, and then he let us use his car the rest of the trip. Chad, Ryan's friend and coworker, looked after our horses and even made sure that they made it to the farrier. Lots more people offered their help and support. And we could not be more encouraged and grateful for the support that people have given us through our blog and Twitter and Facebook. We are floored by the love and the excitement and concern that people have demonstrated to us the last couple of weeks.
In spite of the unexpected infection and hospital stay, we have had a VERY positive August. We could not be more thrilled with the news we've received and are riding a tidal wave of happiness. Medically speaking, Ryan should not be alive, and he should not be doing as well as he is. By God's grace, we are in this position, and we give Him all the glory and honor.
I would like to happily announce that this blog is being written from the comfort of my living room in New Era, Michigan. Ryan and Steve and I returned around 3:00 AM yesterday morning. It has been a very busy time trying to get things settled, organized, and for life to kind of return back to normal. To give some perspective, Ryan and I have only been home for about 6 out of the last 14 days! Naturally, there are a lot of bills to pay, laundry, housework, and bags to unpack (I hadn't even unpacked our suitcase from going to Zion for scans last week before we left again).
Ryan is doing pretty well, but has a long way to go before he's "normal" again. Right now his demeanor and stamina is kind of like what it is after he gets an infusion. But the story is, essentially he had a simple infection that has started to go systemic. Actually, because his white blood cell counts were so low, it advanced extremely quickly. He was pretty much fine last Thursday, and he was septic by Friday afternoon. He also had a small spot of his body that was hemorrhagic because of the infection, so his oncologist is giving Ryan another full week off of treatment to completely heal from this. That puts his next treatment around August 28th. That will be an entire month off, which is the longest he has gone for the last sixteen months without treatment. Although I celebrate that he has some time off to recuperate from a very, very long stretch of chemotherapy, I would be a liar if I didn't say that I was slightly nervous about losing ground.
Speaking of momentum, we found out from a CT scan this week that his tumors are dying quickly. The two spots that I mentioned he still had last week had shrunk noticeably in only one week. We are praising God for this news, as it finally seems like we have struck the right chord in treatment. Radiation? New chemo regimen? New nutritional lifestyle? Just simply God's timing and healing? We aren't sure which combination of those four things it is, but we are grateful that the Lord has chosen to move in this way.
We are also extremely thankful for the people that helped us through this. We are especially grateful for Steve, who accompanied us on what was SUPPOSED to be a short trip to the ER, and turned out to be a multi-day ordeal in Zion. Cathey and my parents took care of Colton and Tuff, our dog. Corey picked us up when Steve's car broke down and took us to Zion, and then he let us use his car the rest of the trip. Chad, Ryan's friend and coworker, looked after our horses and even made sure that they made it to the farrier. Lots more people offered their help and support. And we could not be more encouraged and grateful for the support that people have given us through our blog and Twitter and Facebook. We are floored by the love and the excitement and concern that people have demonstrated to us the last couple of weeks.
In spite of the unexpected infection and hospital stay, we have had a VERY positive August. We could not be more thrilled with the news we've received and are riding a tidal wave of happiness. Medically speaking, Ryan should not be alive, and he should not be doing as well as he is. By God's grace, we are in this position, and we give Him all the glory and honor.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
A real scare!
Last week I had the joy of doing something I've loved doing since I was a boy. Going to the high school basketball finals in East Lansing with my dad and brother. I've been going since I was 10 years old. Almost always we go and watch four games on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (not to mention the college games at night). It's a time of basketball gluttony. That doesn't include the Melting Moments Ice Cream cookie sandwiches which we've named sin cookies.
This year we arrived and got settled in for the first game. I sat down in the chair and leaned back and felt a sharp pain in my mid back off to the right side.
Right where my liver is.
Instantly I became worried. One of the unintended consequences of cancer is you become paranoid. Every weird feeling, pain, itch, or twitch and you're constantly wondering is the cancer spreading. Is this a new symptom? How serious should I take this? Maybe it's just a stomachache, maybe it's cholangitis. How do I know the difference?
As I leaned back in the middle of the Breslin Center thoughts of emergency rooms, missed basketball games, and unknown futures raced through my head.
I slid my hand up my back under my shirt to see if it was sore to the touch and then it hit me.
IT'S A ZIT!!!!
Whew. I've never been so happy to have a big zit on my back. I know this maybe verging on TMI but I feel like a prepubescant boy again with all the zits the chemo is giving me.
I am not much of a worrier. When difficult thoughts come into my mind I can usually take them captive and move on without being dragged down. It's different when I feel something physical though. For some reason it's much harder for me to have faith that God is in control of my aches and pains as much as He is in control of my future.
Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
As I go through the daily grind of living with cancer for over a year, I've noticed certain patterns or rhythms. One of these is that when I focus on today, what I'm supposed to do today or in the short term, I tend not to worry about it. However when I start dreaming, or thinking about the future and all the what ifs and unknowns, then the worry and anxiety tend to rise. This is completely opposite of what Mathew 6:34 tells me to do. I know that God provides me the grace to deal with today.
2 Cor 9:8-9 "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."
When my faith is so small that a zit can derail me emotionally, it ought to be a yellow light flashing in my eyes saying, where is your focus today? Do you have triggers that tend to derail you? Is there a child you worry about constantly? How about the college fund, or retirement? Maybe it is your job or your spouse or (fill in the blank here). What part of your life gives you the opportunity to forget that God will provide the grace no matter what you face? Because some day it might not be just a zit, and at that moment God will show Himself again just like He has done time after time. So forget about the worries of today, and abound in every good work that you can!
This year we arrived and got settled in for the first game. I sat down in the chair and leaned back and felt a sharp pain in my mid back off to the right side.
Right where my liver is.
Instantly I became worried. One of the unintended consequences of cancer is you become paranoid. Every weird feeling, pain, itch, or twitch and you're constantly wondering is the cancer spreading. Is this a new symptom? How serious should I take this? Maybe it's just a stomachache, maybe it's cholangitis. How do I know the difference?
As I leaned back in the middle of the Breslin Center thoughts of emergency rooms, missed basketball games, and unknown futures raced through my head.
I slid my hand up my back under my shirt to see if it was sore to the touch and then it hit me.
IT'S A ZIT!!!!
Whew. I've never been so happy to have a big zit on my back. I know this maybe verging on TMI but I feel like a prepubescant boy again with all the zits the chemo is giving me.
I am not much of a worrier. When difficult thoughts come into my mind I can usually take them captive and move on without being dragged down. It's different when I feel something physical though. For some reason it's much harder for me to have faith that God is in control of my aches and pains as much as He is in control of my future.
Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
As I go through the daily grind of living with cancer for over a year, I've noticed certain patterns or rhythms. One of these is that when I focus on today, what I'm supposed to do today or in the short term, I tend not to worry about it. However when I start dreaming, or thinking about the future and all the what ifs and unknowns, then the worry and anxiety tend to rise. This is completely opposite of what Mathew 6:34 tells me to do. I know that God provides me the grace to deal with today.
2 Cor 9:8-9 "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."
When my faith is so small that a zit can derail me emotionally, it ought to be a yellow light flashing in my eyes saying, where is your focus today? Do you have triggers that tend to derail you? Is there a child you worry about constantly? How about the college fund, or retirement? Maybe it is your job or your spouse or (fill in the blank here). What part of your life gives you the opportunity to forget that God will provide the grace no matter what you face? Because some day it might not be just a zit, and at that moment God will show Himself again just like He has done time after time. So forget about the worries of today, and abound in every good work that you can!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Who needs sleep, I can sleep when I'm dead
Insomnia is a symptom off and on since we started chemo nine months ago. Some nights I'm awake until 3 or 4 or 5. Some nights I go to bed at 9 but wake up at 10 and am up until 4 or 5.
Last night I went to bed at 11 but woke up at 12. I knew I was awake, there was no going back. So I came out and laid on the couch after taking some heavy duty sleep meds. After about 4 hours of horsemanship shows and pawn shows (which aren't any better at 4 in the morning) I finally felt tired enough to go to bed around 4:15. Finally sleep. Then my alarm went off at 5:45. Ahhh men's prayer breakfast! Is there every a good day for one of those? How about not the day after chemo on about two hours of sleep?
I got up (against my wife's will) took a shower and got dressed. I was not completely awake at this time. I jumped into my truck and starting singing to my western gospel CD. When the roll is called up yonder, what a friend we have, the old rugged cross, etc. Half way to town I realized if I was going to make it through breakfast I needed God's help. I surrendered my frustration of not sleeping and prayed for energy and strength for the day. Incredibly the longer the meeting went the more energized I was. I felt great all morning. Down right jovial. A little weak physically but alert and sharp mentally. This lasted most of the morning and into the afternoon.
Late afternoon I started to crash and all of a sudden a video project I though was due in a week or two we realized was now due on Sunday night. AHHHHH. I knew I couldn't do it on my own, with a staff member looking to me for guidance and I can start to feel my mind slipping. I prayed again, "Lord please give me grace for today. Guide my mind and my thoughts so I can lead Daniel to use his hands for you." It felt like a jolt of energy, of clarity of mind. I was able to focus and we got a huge amount done.
Next was a meeting with a leadership team from my church evaluating how to fill some staff positions and where God is leading us. When my mind isn't working those thoughts intimidate me. I know what I want to say but often can't get it out, or say something that really makes it worse. Again I prayed before the meeting, and felt a sense of energy, alertness, and engagement in the discussion that was totally normal.
All day long I've been afraid of not being able to fulfill my obligations because of mental lapses and fatigue. However it has been an extremely productive day. I have no idea how under heavy chemo and about 2 hours of sleep I'm still going strong. God's grace sustains me for simple things like energy and clarity of thought. There is a could of witnesses holding Kendra and I up right now and we feel overwhelmed by their goodness.
It's been a great day, but I'm starting to get a little foggy now. Could you tell :)
What daily triggers are in your life that you need to surrender and ask for strength to overcome instead of trying to solve things on your own?
Monday, January 23, 2012
Is God's grace really sufficient?
I was 20 years old, coming out of anesthesia from a liver biopsy and trying to comprehend what the letters PSC meant. I later understood it to mean Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis, the rare liver disease that Walter Payton suffered from. At the time however I had just gotten done studying meat grading in my animal products class at Michigan State University. PSE (pale soft exudative) is a type of grade for meat. So my gastroenterologist was trying to tell me I have a rare, serious, incurable disease and all I wanted to talk about was meat grading.
The second answer is I've been praying for 5 years for if and when this day comes that I would have the grace to respond in a way that honors God. Every prayer has ended with, "not my will but yours be done" however I know beyond a doubt that whatever God allows or ordains into my life I will have the resources, the grace, to respond in a way that honors Him. I still have to choose to accept that grace, and humble myself to trusting God in my circumstances. This prayer is not a new one to me. Even though I've only been diagnosed for a couple months, I've been preparing for this for years, and God has been preparing me as well.
I don't know what you're going through. I do know many of my friends and family have crushing circumstances around them; more cancer, job loss, loss of family members, sickness, uncertainty, family turmoil, and more. Maybe life is good for you right now. I can promise you it won't stay that way. Not to scare you, but we all know it's how life works.
When you face that hurdle now or in the future, would you rather do just starting to pray God give me the grace, or would you rather know that prayer intimately and down to the very fiber of your core. Would you rather just start learning what it means, or have prayed it so many times that you've prayed it through tears, through happiness, through sickness, through health, through anger, and through joy?
Start praying for grace today, it'll change your life.
So began a long process of coming to grips with this disease in my life. I learned that best case scenario was I would never need a liver transplant and we might just "manage it". Worst case scenario was things would go down hill within a couple years. The likely scenario was that I would need a transplant in 10-15 years. And oh yeah, there's this very small but serious chance that an undetectable cancer could develop... so the longer you wait the greater the risk, but that's very rare.
I have a morning routine of studying and praying that I've stuck with off and on since about the time I was diagnosed. I have a prayer list of things that I talk to God about. One item on my list since 2006 has been my health. Of course I ask God to take this cup away from me and heal me, but if He chooses not to, then I have asked every day for the Grace to deal with it in a way that honors Him. That my reaction and character no matter my circumstances would point to him.
Grace is a funny thing. I think it has two meanings. First straight out of Sunday school, would be "God's unmerited favor". Which is true, just cliche. As Eph. 2:8-9 explains, grace is that process by which we are saved:
8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith — and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. NIVOr as Romans 3:23-24 explains;
24 and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. NIVIt is because of this understanding of grace that I'm able to come to the second meaning of grace. By entering into this relationship through the grace of God, I'm able to access His provision to act and behave in a Godly manner. Or as Barnes puts it, "the gracious influences of the Holy Spirit" which allow us to act in a way unnatural to how we would on our own.
2 Cor 9:8-9
8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. NIV
Eph 4:7-8
7 But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it. NIV
2 Cor 12:9
9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. NIV
The second answer is I've been praying for 5 years for if and when this day comes that I would have the grace to respond in a way that honors God. Every prayer has ended with, "not my will but yours be done" however I know beyond a doubt that whatever God allows or ordains into my life I will have the resources, the grace, to respond in a way that honors Him. I still have to choose to accept that grace, and humble myself to trusting God in my circumstances. This prayer is not a new one to me. Even though I've only been diagnosed for a couple months, I've been preparing for this for years, and God has been preparing me as well.
I don't know what you're going through. I do know many of my friends and family have crushing circumstances around them; more cancer, job loss, loss of family members, sickness, uncertainty, family turmoil, and more. Maybe life is good for you right now. I can promise you it won't stay that way. Not to scare you, but we all know it's how life works.
When you face that hurdle now or in the future, would you rather do just starting to pray God give me the grace, or would you rather know that prayer intimately and down to the very fiber of your core. Would you rather just start learning what it means, or have prayed it so many times that you've prayed it through tears, through happiness, through sickness, through health, through anger, and through joy?
Start praying for grace today, it'll change your life.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Definitely defiant, but still lovable.
Our son is not perfect.
My whole parenting world came to a screeching halt about three weeks ago when I picked up Colton from daycare and April, our wonderful daycare lady, told me that Colton had in fact bitten another child. I FREAKED out. MY CHILD? Yes, I knew already that he bites occasionally, but I had been the only person that he's ever bitten...and only when he was super tired. For a while, he was more accurately telling me that he was tired by attempting to bite me than yawning or rubbing his eyes (I'm thankful that he's over that stage). When April told me the unfortunate news, I kind of understood how my mom felt when a police officer told her that my brother had stolen a stop sign. I will not say which brother, in order to protect the ... um, innocent? That phrase doesn't seem to fit here. Anyway, I was very upset with Colton.
The biting episode was a stand-alone event, thank goodness. However, that day it seemed like my son realized that being naughty was something that he should try more often. THIS IS AWESOME! BITING, HITTING, WHINING, DISOBEYING - yeah! My docile, compliant, even-tempered toddler has quickly degenerated into a screaming, completely irrational, angry child. Last Tuesday, after he went in timeout after timeout after timeout for not letting me brush his teeth, I sat down on my bathroom floor and sobbed along with him. I don't know what I'm doing. This parenting stuff doesn't come with a manual, at least not a comprehensive one. (Chapter 335: What to do when your 19-month-old tries to boss you around and won't brush his teeth).
Last night after the house was quiet, picked up, and I could begin to reflect on the last few hellish days with Colton, I came to the conclusion that he could even ramp up the naughtiness tenfold and I'd still love him with every fiber in my body. He is my flesh and blood. I'm not going to stop loving him even though I briefly thought about enrolling him in toddler boarding school. I would keep extending him grace time and time again, because he is my son and I love him so much.
Our heavenly father, our most perfect parent, loves us intensely even though not a one of us deserves it. Imagine what we, adult humans, must look like in the eyes of a righteous God. It's easy for me to look at Colton, shake my head, and remark, "What a toddler!" because I am much more mature than he is. Imagine what our petty remarks, anger, selfishness and negative attitudes look like to our perfect God. And yet he loves us so.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
School daze
In just two days, I will begin a new school year. Only a couple of months ago, the thought of me working anywhere this fall was laughable, and by the grace of God I landed on my feet again in a fabulous district. I'm super excited, but this school year is slightly overwhelming to think about - at least in terms of 180 days. I'm especially worried about the commute. If I go straight from our house to Grand Haven, it's only 35 minutes on fast roads (we live very close to US-31, and my school is right off US-31). However, three days a week I still have to drop off Colton in Montague - and that adds quite a bit to the drive (especially in wintertime). So if anyone that lives near us is interested in a job dropping off my son at daycare three days a week, let me know! I'd be glad to pay you for it. (No, I'm being totally serious. Let me know.)
I am having to do some serious retraining of my mind throughout this process. Truthfully, I struggle all the time with looking too far ahead in the distance. It's something that I've always done. I probably come across as way too scattered to keep a planner, but I meticulously enter in events into my Google calendar (otherwise I would forget them - because of the scatterbrained qualities that I have). I have my Google calendar filled out to at least Christmas, and several events from now to the end of the school year. But lately I've been having to push out thoughts like, "What will I do if I lose Ryan? Where am I going to live? Will I sell the house? Can I keep up this property on my own? Which school district will I end up in? Will I ever be a school counselor? Where is Colton going to go to school? Who will help me take care of him? Will I be alone for the rest of my life? How am I going to do this?" Friends, these are not easy thoughts. I can spend forever and a day thinking about these things, freaking out. Meanwhile, the worst has not even happened. So what's the point of worrying about this now? Answer: nothing. There is no point in worrying.
"Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
We are given grace for this moment. Not tomorrow, or next Tuesday. This moment. My worrying about tomorrow and what will happen is directly a result of a lack of faith that I have in my Lord providing what I need for tomorrow and five years from now. I have no idea what God has in store for Ryan and I. By some miracle, our lives might return to a semblance of what they were prior to April - in high definition instead of standard def. That is my deepest, most aching desire. But it's very likely that life as we know it will never be the same. I can either worry myself into oblivion, or buckle up my seatbelt and give God the proverbial steering wheel. He has our lives headed in a direction that is not easy, but full of promise and meaning.
Meanwhile, I count my blessings that I again will have the chance to impact lives this year. Working with students has always been my highest calling. I like Spanish and French alright, but getting to connect with students who are figuring things out for themselves and being able to be a positive role model for them - that is what fills my cup. Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of being able to do what I love!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Quiet before the storm
Well I don't remember much about today. I was under anesthetic for a good portion of it. Two different procedures, but both went well. I am feeling the effects of having my port put in. This is an implant below my left collar bone. It is about the size a milk cap, maybe a little thicker. It will be there indefinitely and will be where the Chemo is administered.
The doctor said it did not appear to be any cancer in the colon. This was to be expected. He took a couple biopsies just to confirm and we should get those results tomorrow. However we are all moving forward finally that it is for sure cholangiocarcinoma. Therefore I will begin chemo tomorrow. I'm taking two drugs this week. One will be very difficult. High degrees of nausea and vomiting and it is worst for younger patients, go figure. I would rather be in pain than nauseous. It is probably my least favorite feeling. Please pray that the effects are limited.
Otherwise I am in high spirits. I'm glad we are finally able to begin doing something. This feels like an action step and I'm glad about that. We will now shift our prayers to God using the chemo to eliminate the cancer.
Please pray for my family tomorrow. Kendra is a kind and compassionate person. The amount of empathy in her soul astounds me. I am jealous of it. However she will almost literally go through this with me as she feels so keenly when I'm in pain or discomfort. Also I cannot imagine having to watch my son go through this. It will be difficult for my mother to see it as well. We all know this is an answer to prayer, but it will be tough for them to watch.
My motto for tomorrow will be, "my Grace is sufficient for you".
The doctor said it did not appear to be any cancer in the colon. This was to be expected. He took a couple biopsies just to confirm and we should get those results tomorrow. However we are all moving forward finally that it is for sure cholangiocarcinoma. Therefore I will begin chemo tomorrow. I'm taking two drugs this week. One will be very difficult. High degrees of nausea and vomiting and it is worst for younger patients, go figure. I would rather be in pain than nauseous. It is probably my least favorite feeling. Please pray that the effects are limited.
Otherwise I am in high spirits. I'm glad we are finally able to begin doing something. This feels like an action step and I'm glad about that. We will now shift our prayers to God using the chemo to eliminate the cancer.
Please pray for my family tomorrow. Kendra is a kind and compassionate person. The amount of empathy in her soul astounds me. I am jealous of it. However she will almost literally go through this with me as she feels so keenly when I'm in pain or discomfort. Also I cannot imagine having to watch my son go through this. It will be difficult for my mother to see it as well. We all know this is an answer to prayer, but it will be tough for them to watch.
My motto for tomorrow will be, "my Grace is sufficient for you".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)