I know. You're shocked.
Either you sensed my sarcasm in that last line because you know Ryan and I well enough, or maybe I might have actually surprised you. You see, just because we are now living life in high definition, does NOT mean that we are perfect or that we have learned all of our lessons. We didn't fight for about a month and a half after diagnosis, but different situations (including going back to work, adjusting to new rhythms in life, figuring out how to divvy up household responsibilities now, and just the plain stress of cancer life) can really make us edgy.
So here's what it was about. Basically, Ryan wanted to go for a horseback ride with Colton and I. That sounds innocuous enough, but it made this mother's blood run cold. HORSES?! Those wild beasts. What if the horse bucked? What if Colton was thrown from Ryan's arms and he drowned in a pond? What if a deer jumped out and Colton and Ryan were thrown off from a rearing horse and Ryan broke his back and Colton broke a bone too? What if Colton got too cold? What if he cried? What if the Abominable Snowman, the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot all converged on our hapless little riding party and the Snowman ate Ryan, Nessy ate Colton, and Bigfoot ran away with me and forced me to marry him? What if? What if? What if?
Now that you've seen the crazy side of me for a second, let's go back to reality. Ryan was asking to go on a horseback ride with two completely trained, well-broke camp horses from Grace Adventures that routinely carry tiny children around with no incidents. In all reality, there was about zero reason to worry. He had the situation handled. But I lacked trust in my husband, whom I know and love with all of my heart. In my head, I know that he always has my son's best interests at heart. But for a minute, I doubted. And HOO BOY, it created an argument. :)
I know that I've written on this before, but I have had to work on overcoming worry and fear almost every day. This is something that is on my heart constantly. I also know for a fact that I have some friends that struggle with worrying even worse than I do, and I'm ninety-nine percent certain that they read this blog.
"Worry is the result of a lack of trust in God's care and providence." This quote, just read recently, really sums up the lesson I've been learning. My worrying about our future is directly related to the amount of control that I'm trying to wield over the situation and my lack of faith in God's care of my family.
None of us have the assurance that our lives are going to be easy. I see lots of my friends around me with stable, comfortable lives and I wish two things for them: #1, that they thank God for that blessing, and #2, that they practice living out their trust in God in the midst of a lulling peace. Nobody knows when their lives will be flipped upside down, when God is going to call them on a horseback ride through a dark, scary forest. When God calls your family into danger, are you going to trust that He really does desire for you to live lives of peace? Jeremiah 29:11 does not promise us that our earthly lives will be devoid of problems. But it does give us assurance that there is a future of hope, even though the current situation sucks. The Israelites were being called to wait, and to have faith that at the end of their captivity, there would still be a blessing. Even if they (I) lose everything, God will still be God and He will still be good.
Beth Moore's Esther study summed it up like this: "If _________ happens, God will still be faithful." You can fill in the blank with any of your worst nightmares.
I would like to happily report that we went on a great horseback ride and we had a fabulous time. Ryan was right. Things were just fine. I'm so glad that we didn't miss the blessing of a great afternoon because I was too scared to allow us to enjoy it.
Live in the moment and do not worry for tomorrow. Count your blessings. They are so numerous, my friends. We are so blessed. We are so blessed.