Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Grieving the future

It's my second night in a row of insomnia and as my wife pointed out to me, I haven't blogged in almost a month.

 Sorry about that, if anything, it is because the last month or so have been fairly normal. I've been going about life and dealing with everyday stuff.

 This is a difficult topic for me to write about but it is something I've been wrestling through for a while.

You see Kendra and I have been blessed beyond belief by having Colton in our lives during this process. I'm thankful he's so young that hey may not remember most of it. I hope he will remember me if things don't go well. We didn't plan on having a child at this stage in our marriage when we got married. We were going to wait a while longer and "get settled" before we took that step. Then for whatever reason I got the itch to try for a baby. About a year later Colton was born.

 A year after that on Coltons birthday, when we were told I had less than a year to live. We had always planned on having more children. Three maybe four or more, we weren't sure but a decent sized family was in our plans. The hard reality is right now it would be as much a miracle for us to have our own children as for me to get healed. The chemo is wicked stuff and it messes with every part of your body.

So according to my eyes and a man's perspective the door to future children is closed. One of the hardest parts about this process is feeling like you have lost some of the dreams you've had for so long. Children, vacations, ministry opportunities, anything you imagine and dream about doing in the future. For Kendra and I this children loss is hard to swallow.

 Kendra has always had a heart for adoption. I was never nearly as passionate about it. I think it's a great opportunity and there are so many worthy children who deserve a family. I just didn't feel led or passionate about it. I've said that being diagnosed changed a lot of things in an instant in my heart. One of those things is adoption. I would love to adopt a child now. To add to our family a child who is hopeless and doesn't see many options to a future would be incredible. To learn more intimately what it means to be adopted into God's family through adoption one of His children into my family is something I'd be anxious to grow in.

 The problem is adoption agency's don't like to give children to stage four cancer patients or even survivors. I get it. I'm seriously struggling about whether it would be wise for us to add a child right now facing the opportunity that I might not be around to be their father. There are so many factors to consider. Either way though it feels like for now the decisions have already been made for us, and it's hard not to grieve that loss.

 I can't always see God's specific plan or the why behind it through this journey. Some things don't make sense to me. So when my mind is struggling I have to rely on my will, which I have set firmly on the truth that God is perfect, in control, and all wise. I'm also 100% confident that God is completely able to bless Kendra and I with a child naturally or adopted if that is his plan. He already blessed us with Colton who if we stayed with our plans would never had been born. How much we would have missed out on.

 I'm sharing this with you not because we're looking for advice on how to have or adopt a child. We've done diligent research and the point of the blog isn't really about having a child, it's about trusting in God even when it feels like things are being stripped away. I don't want to be like Abram and Tamar and show my lack of faith that God's in control and try to fix things according to how it works in my mind. I want to trust God completely, with my present, future, and dreams.

 We would love for you to continue to pray for us, and if you're able to add family members to your family please please know how incredibly blessed you are.


Anonymous said...

Just wanted you to know you're not alone in grieving the husband also has stage4 cancer. It's grieving the death of the ability to plan, even just to dream. One day I drove by a house for sale and I thought, "Oh that's a cute house, I wonder if we'd like it?" And then it hit me, there is no longer the possibility of a new house for us...a far cry from the dream of another child, I know. But in the gut, the feeling is similar. You are not alone, there are others of us out here. Clinging to God's promise to walk with us through it all. And as He does, I am discovering He is enough. I've never met you, but you are in my prayers.

Ryan said...

I'm very sorry to hear about your husband. We wish nobody had to go through this. We had just finished blue prints to do an addition on our house and that is all on hold now.

We are still choosing to dream as a family. Only God knows which of those dreams will come true, but I don't want to live life with out hope and dreams.

Thank you for your encouragement, and yes God is more than enough.

Anonymous said...

Dear Ryan and family,
I am a co-worker of Andrew's. Your story has really touched me in a very special way. Please know I will add you to my prayers each night for a long healed life..and I will add, with many children if you so wish.
I ask for a prayer for my family as we try an make sense of the loss of my daughter in Aug. who left behind 3 very young girl under the age of 7 and a husband who feels so lost, but doing an amazing job with his girls. God loves us and I believe in HEAVEN! Blessings to each of you, Colleen

Ryan said...


Thank you for your prayers, we covet them. I'm sorry to hear about the loss in your family. That must be incredibly difficult. It is a blessing to know that God does love us. We will pray for your family.

Anonymous said...

Ryan & Kendra
"Blessings and Peace to you as you "journey" thru these tough battles. My husband and I have lost the dream of more children of our own as well. We have certainly been given Godly gifts of our 7yr old son, and 5 yr old we should feel abundantly blessed right?? We do!! But till you mourn the loss of hopes and dreams of more laughter, tears, joys and fears, giggles and snuggles, you can't begin to understand God's future plans. We still mourn the fact that we will never be "blessed" with more kids of our's a life-long journey of mourning, just like loosing a loved one, however we have learned to trust God like we never did before, and he's taken us on a road we fought for many years....Foster care!!! We just said "good-bye" to our first placements....hard stuff...but never have we felt more peace about where God has taken us!! It's a great place to be!! Now why do I say all this??? Not pushing foster care...that's for sure! But please know that God has great plans for you and Kendra in regards to more may not be in your time, at your convienence, or according to how you thought it should be...but it will come when you least expect it! God has amazing ways of making a path open up, when you allow him to lead. Never have we believed that more!! Oh don't get us wrong...we still share tears for the loss of more children of our "own", but for God to entrust us with HIS children who are so in need of a loving home, hugs, kisses, stability, and Jesus....we have been ubundantly blessed!!

Many prayers for you as you look ahead....know that we are praying that God's anwser to your plea's will come soon, but if not, for HIS unending peace as you wait. Continue to Hope and Dream with vigor....

Brian & Katie

Ryan said...

Brian and Katie,

Thank you for your story. We are familiar with foster care and would love to explore that in the future. Right now we are just focusing on God and trying to be obedient to wherever and whatever He calls us to. Thank you for your prayers, we covet them.