Deep breath
Sigh
Gag
Swallow...
That's my routine every time I go to eat.
I'm half way through my second round with these new chemotherapy drugs. The side effects are getting a little peculiar.
Every time I eat the first 30 seconds of chewing brings on sharp pain in the corners of my jaws. The neuropathy has effected my throat so anything cold feels like a million needles down my throat, and my hands and feet react to cold sensitivity as well. There are hiccups and burps that feel like a branding iron down my throat. The fatigue seems to be fairly heavy. I don't want to count the hours I've spent on the couch lately.
The toughest side effect right now though is appetite. Kendra and I started a very strict new diet that I'm very hopeful and optimistic will significantly aid in our treatment. However it also limits my options. Combine a limited menu with a serious struggle to want to eat and it becomes very difficult to stay nourished.
Food becomes utilitarian. I no longer eat for pleasure as much as I do for purpose. It's still a daily battle to choke things down. Gagging, coughing, and constant nausea are my routine every time I eat. Things taste decent most of the time, it's not that it's poor food. It's just plain old hard work for me to eat. A small bowl of soup might take over thirty minutes to force down.
My mission is simple, to eat.
It's not complicated. Get calories, maintain weight, and stay nourished are my outcomes. It's just really really hard to do this right now. You could say I'm in a "food rut".
Have you ever had any ruts in your life? A prayer rut? A bible reading rut? How about a church rut?
There are so many things about being a christian that we can over complicate in an effort to excuse our lack of obedience and self discipline. Maybe you didn't get a prayer answer like you wanted, someone at church offended you, or you're stuck in Leviticus in your daily bible reading schedule. It doesn't matter the circumstances, we still have to do certain things to stay healthy.
What about when it doesn't taste the same? "I don't feel connected to God right now", is a statement I hear from our college kids all the time. The next question is what are you doing to connect? Often the answer is very little. We expect God to grant warm fuzzies and divine revelations every time we grace him with fifteen minutes of effort. The real mark of maturity is will we give him more when we feel like we're getting less?
When I feel worst is when I need to eat most. If I'm not careful I'll only eat when it feels good and that doesn't work with a diet or spirituality.
I can't tell my body not to lose weight because I don't feel like eating, or my new diet is limiting, or that my mouth hurts to chew. It doesn't matter the reasons why, I still have to eat.
It's the same for you and I in our spiritual disciplines. It doesn't matter what's going on around us. Being a Christian is simple, it's just not easy.
Love God, love others.
What excuses are you leaning on right now? What side effects or symptoms are really distractions from obedience?
While you figure it out, I'm going to go eat a snack!
Showing posts with label chemotherapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chemotherapy. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Life is simple... just not easy
Monday, July 23, 2012
How is chemo like a leaky washing machine?
Sometimes I whine. Not often, but when I do it comes in droves.
When I whine, it's almost always about something small or insignificant. For some reason I tend to handle the major issues in life in stride. It's the more trivial things that can trip me up.
This new chemo has evoked some whining...
I broke out with a "rash" that bears a startling resemblance to pretty bad acne all over my face and neck and head. It's not real pretty and its getting uncomfortable. My scalp itches but is painful to the touch, so you can't scratch it. My face is dry, cracking, and painful to the touch.
Add on top of that I've been pretty exhausted this week, for insurance reasons I'm unable to do my treatments from Muskegon and must make the trip to Chicago again tonight! All this adds up to me having a bad attitude this week.
I know, it's pretty weak to be upset about all this, when I really feel decent. No puking, no diarrhea, no pain, nothing severe, just inconveniences.
A couple years ago my washing machine started leaking. I discovered it because the carpet was wet all the way into the hallway. We're not talking about a little drip; it was dumping the entire load of water onto the floor. We almost floated out of our house. There was water in the crawlspace, in and under the carpet... it was everywhere!
I looked, probed, and problem solved. I pulled the dryer out of the bathroom and set it up outside on the porch and no leak! I ripped open the carpet, dug holes in the wall wondering if it was a leaky pipe. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't find the source of the water. Meanwhile we weren't doing a lot of laundry.
At my wit's end, I finally called the repair man. As he pulled off the shell and opened up the machine, we looked and watched and still couldn't find the leak. That made me feel better that a professional was struggling as much as I was until we discovered the problem...
Somehow in my diligence I overlooked the drain hose. It had not been pushed far enough into the drain pipe in the wall and so when the machine drained it's tub, the water basically went straight onto the floor!
How could I have overlooked such a simple solution? How could I not see the obvious? Why did I have to pay the repairman to come out and make me feel stupid?
I was looking at the wrong thing. I was focused on the actual machine and the pipes in the wall. I never thought about the connection of the drain hose to the pipes. That was too simple, too small to go wrong. My focus was on the wrong thing.
When a crisis hits, our first reaction is often to pray. We reach out to our compassionate and merciful father as a child does. The need is great, and we don't think we can get through it so we cry out for help.
What about when we stub our toe? Why do the little things often trip us up when we can respond so well to the big things? We're focused on the wrong thing. My attitude problem this week didn't come because of acne and fatigue. It came because I was focused on my circumstances and not on my creator.
Proverbs three gives me a convicting commandment, I'm told to submit to God in "all your ways".
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
I wish sometimes I could slide on the small stuff. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. "All" leaves no cracked doors for me to sneak out of obedience.
As you go about your day, make sure you've got the right perspective. If you find yourself irritated with your circumstances, maybe you need to look in the mirror before you look outward.
When I whine, it's almost always about something small or insignificant. For some reason I tend to handle the major issues in life in stride. It's the more trivial things that can trip me up.
This new chemo has evoked some whining...
I broke out with a "rash" that bears a startling resemblance to pretty bad acne all over my face and neck and head. It's not real pretty and its getting uncomfortable. My scalp itches but is painful to the touch, so you can't scratch it. My face is dry, cracking, and painful to the touch.
Add on top of that I've been pretty exhausted this week, for insurance reasons I'm unable to do my treatments from Muskegon and must make the trip to Chicago again tonight! All this adds up to me having a bad attitude this week.
I know, it's pretty weak to be upset about all this, when I really feel decent. No puking, no diarrhea, no pain, nothing severe, just inconveniences.
A couple years ago my washing machine started leaking. I discovered it because the carpet was wet all the way into the hallway. We're not talking about a little drip; it was dumping the entire load of water onto the floor. We almost floated out of our house. There was water in the crawlspace, in and under the carpet... it was everywhere!
I looked, probed, and problem solved. I pulled the dryer out of the bathroom and set it up outside on the porch and no leak! I ripped open the carpet, dug holes in the wall wondering if it was a leaky pipe. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't find the source of the water. Meanwhile we weren't doing a lot of laundry.
At my wit's end, I finally called the repair man. As he pulled off the shell and opened up the machine, we looked and watched and still couldn't find the leak. That made me feel better that a professional was struggling as much as I was until we discovered the problem...
Somehow in my diligence I overlooked the drain hose. It had not been pushed far enough into the drain pipe in the wall and so when the machine drained it's tub, the water basically went straight onto the floor!
How could I have overlooked such a simple solution? How could I not see the obvious? Why did I have to pay the repairman to come out and make me feel stupid?
I was looking at the wrong thing. I was focused on the actual machine and the pipes in the wall. I never thought about the connection of the drain hose to the pipes. That was too simple, too small to go wrong. My focus was on the wrong thing.
When a crisis hits, our first reaction is often to pray. We reach out to our compassionate and merciful father as a child does. The need is great, and we don't think we can get through it so we cry out for help.
What about when we stub our toe? Why do the little things often trip us up when we can respond so well to the big things? We're focused on the wrong thing. My attitude problem this week didn't come because of acne and fatigue. It came because I was focused on my circumstances and not on my creator.
Proverbs three gives me a convicting commandment, I'm told to submit to God in "all your ways".
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
I wish sometimes I could slide on the small stuff. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. "All" leaves no cracked doors for me to sneak out of obedience.
As you go about your day, make sure you've got the right perspective. If you find yourself irritated with your circumstances, maybe you need to look in the mirror before you look outward.
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