Because of the length of the service, this is in two parts:
Ryan Prudhomme Celebration Service 1/2 from Grace Adventures on Vimeo.
Ryan Prudhomme Celebration Service 2/2 from Grace Adventures on Vimeo.
Showing posts with label Ryan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ryan. Show all posts
Friday, April 19, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Memorial service remarks
Hello,
Sometime this week the video of the memorial service will be uploaded. It was a long service (somewhere between an hour and a half to two hours), so it's taking some time to digitize and upload. It should be done sometime after Wednesday.
In the meantime, here is the text of the remarks that I made about Ryan at the memorial service and what it meant to Ryan to live in high definition - and what it means for the rest of us that are left behind. I have been asked by a few people to upload this.
"Living in High Definition"
Good morning. It is amazing to me to look out over this crowd of people and be once again reminded of the impact that my husband had on a number of people. While the pain that I and my families have felt this week has been suffocating, we have been blessed beyond measure of the response that we have had from around the world, hearing of how Ryan has impacted people – not just in the last two years, but for 27 years. Ryan’s passion for the Lord, his love for his family, and his desire to do things that made a difference for the Kingdom of God are all of the things that we admire about him and what draws us to this place today. Whether he was a family member, a friend, a coworker, a former teammate, a classmate, a counselor, or even just a guy whose blog we read and admired – Ryan has impacted all of us not just because of the smile, his laugh, his sense of humor, or his practical jokes – but because of the brilliant light of hope that he reflected through Jesus Christ.
One of the things that I think we all admired about Ryan was the fact that despite his response to his cancer diagnosis was extraordinary, he was in fact a very ordinary person in real life. I was married to him for almost seven years and dated him for four and a half years prior to that. I can readily attest to the fact that Ryan had faults. As a matter of fact, many of you may not know that Ryan had a criminal record. Yes. He was convicted of a misdemeanor three years ago. After we bought our house in Claybanks Township, we had a devious horse that kept coming up with ways to break our fence and bust herself and our other horse loose, and they always headed towards the freeway that was just a mile from our house. Deuce and Riata got loose three times in one month, and Ryan frantically kept trying to repair the electric fence that they had broken. After the third time they got loose, the state police caught the two horses on the entrance ramp to the freeway. As Ryan zoomed up in his green pickup truck to retrieve the horses, the very unimpressed state police officer gave him a citation for – wait for it - livestock at large. We did not have any idea that someone could be cited for such a thing! Ryan tried very hard to fight the citation, but he ended up pleading no contest to a misdemeanor and was fined. Although Ryan didn’t think it was so funny at the time, we had many good laughs imagining him having to declare his misdemeanor of “livestock at large” on a future employment application.
So despite his criminal record, I had the immense honor and privilege of marrying and being the best friend of this incredible person. Many people have asked me for the past two years whether or not Ryan really meant what he said on our blog and at his speaking engagements and if he was different at home. To answer that succinctly, absolutely not. While Ryan did struggle with the thought of leaving the rest of us behind – especially Colton and I - I never heard him complain about his illness, and he never once complained of how this whole situation was terribly unfair. Of course he was human, but his faith and his response never wavered throughout 24 months of heavy treatment, rollercoaster scans, and ultimately the blow that we received at the end of his long hospitalization and in his final days as he realized that he was close to death. Ryan was a person that was truly graced by God with the determination to praise his Savior no matter the circumstances that were thrown his direction. And he had the confidence and the burning desire to share this praise with the world at large, so that other people might also be impacted by Jesus Christ.
So what makes a young man, with his whole life ahead of him, be able to respond this way? I want to turn your attention to the passage on the inside of the program, from 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” You see, one of the most remarkable characteristics about my husband was what he chose to fixate upon. He did not fixate upon cancer. He chose to fix his eyes on what was unseen, on things of eternal value. His ultimate hope was not just to be healed of cancer, but rather no matter what happened to him, his hope remained completely rooted in the salvation that he had through Christ Jesus. And because of that hope, he did not lose heart. Though outwardly his human body wasted away, each and every day he was renewed by his hope in the Lord. In that passage, Paul talks about “light and momentary troubles”. This is said by Paul – the Apostle Paul – the man who was beaten, shipwrecked, and imprisoned. Ryan also considered his troubles to be light and momentary – the radiation, the countless rounds of chemo, the side effects from medication, the loss of physical strength. However, both Paul and Ryan considered that their present sufferings were not worth comparing to the glory that would be revealed in them.
And that, my friends, is the very essence of what Living in High Definition is all about. Eternal perspective. I would like to share some of Ryan’s very own words from a blog that he wrote in March of 2012.
"Some days this cancer and the future feel overwhelming. I may very well have a lot of pain and suffering in my future. I may have the loss of dreams and goals and hopes. Continuing to work at being obedient and living our faith out is hard, very hard at times. Yes as bad as all this feels - what must Glory be like? If it makes this hell that we are going through seem "light and momentary" - what must eternity be like! Chew a moment on what could possibly make shipwrecks, beatings, imprisonments, poverty, sickness, and more seem "light and momentary". How does that not motivate us to do everything we can to honor God?
That is Living in High Definition. To see every situation and circumstance through an eternal perspective. Fixing our eyes on what is unseen, what is eternal! I can relate to Paul's feeling a death sentence, but I'm also starting to understand the incredible future that is called Heaven. It doesn't just give me peace, it drives me to serve Him more and more."
Ryan chose to see life in high definition. To trust God. To obey Him. To honor his family and to choose not to stress about things that were temporary. It was not always an easy decision to have eternal perspective or to be obedient. But time and time again, Ryan and I said aloud to each other – to live in high definition is ultimately a choice. It’s a choice that sometimes has to be made even several times a day. But all it is, is a choice. And when trials come, as they so often do, a person that lives life in high definition is going to be able to stand tall, as Ryan did, and handle trials with grace and dignity, knowing that Scripture promises us in Romans 5 that “suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
I know my husband very well. I know that he would be so touched by the fact that so many of his friends and family and supporters came here today to remember him and to support his wife and his family members. He would laugh at our jokes, and he would add several of his own, and some of those jokes would probably border on inappropriate. But he would also ask these questions: What do you believe? Why do you believe it? And if you have faith, what are you going to do with it? Are you going to use your faith to impact the world, or are you going to hide it under a rock? And when circumstances happen: does your faith define your circumstances or do your circumstances define your faith? He would want every single person here to know that it is possible to live life in high definition. It first takes faith in Jesus Christ. And then it takes total surrender to God’s purposes for your life. Life will not always be easy – it wasn’t for Ryan. But Ryan finished his short life well, and I imagine that as he entered heaven and kneeled before the throne, his Heavenly Father touched his beautiful dark hair and looked into his warm brown eyes, and said, “Well done, good and faithful servant. Welcome home.”
I miss him more than I ever could have imagined. My husband, my best friend, my son’s father, our inspiration, cowboy, comic relief, brother, son, grandson, nephew, friend. He has truly left a legacy so deep and so wide that the world will remember him for years to come, and even more importantly – Colton will keep learning the rich spiritual lessons that Ryan so bravely taught in the midst of his illness. Ryan will have left more of a legacy in his short life than many people do in a full life. Although I ache for the profound loss that my son and I will acutely feel for years, I do rejoice today in knowing that my best friend is safe in the loving arms of Jesus, where he will remain for eternity – and because I have the same hope that he had, I will once again see him before long.
Until we meet again, cowboy. I love you.
Sometime this week the video of the memorial service will be uploaded. It was a long service (somewhere between an hour and a half to two hours), so it's taking some time to digitize and upload. It should be done sometime after Wednesday.
In the meantime, here is the text of the remarks that I made about Ryan at the memorial service and what it meant to Ryan to live in high definition - and what it means for the rest of us that are left behind. I have been asked by a few people to upload this.
"Living in High Definition"
Good morning. It is amazing to me to look out over this crowd of people and be once again reminded of the impact that my husband had on a number of people. While the pain that I and my families have felt this week has been suffocating, we have been blessed beyond measure of the response that we have had from around the world, hearing of how Ryan has impacted people – not just in the last two years, but for 27 years. Ryan’s passion for the Lord, his love for his family, and his desire to do things that made a difference for the Kingdom of God are all of the things that we admire about him and what draws us to this place today. Whether he was a family member, a friend, a coworker, a former teammate, a classmate, a counselor, or even just a guy whose blog we read and admired – Ryan has impacted all of us not just because of the smile, his laugh, his sense of humor, or his practical jokes – but because of the brilliant light of hope that he reflected through Jesus Christ.
One of the things that I think we all admired about Ryan was the fact that despite his response to his cancer diagnosis was extraordinary, he was in fact a very ordinary person in real life. I was married to him for almost seven years and dated him for four and a half years prior to that. I can readily attest to the fact that Ryan had faults. As a matter of fact, many of you may not know that Ryan had a criminal record. Yes. He was convicted of a misdemeanor three years ago. After we bought our house in Claybanks Township, we had a devious horse that kept coming up with ways to break our fence and bust herself and our other horse loose, and they always headed towards the freeway that was just a mile from our house. Deuce and Riata got loose three times in one month, and Ryan frantically kept trying to repair the electric fence that they had broken. After the third time they got loose, the state police caught the two horses on the entrance ramp to the freeway. As Ryan zoomed up in his green pickup truck to retrieve the horses, the very unimpressed state police officer gave him a citation for – wait for it - livestock at large. We did not have any idea that someone could be cited for such a thing! Ryan tried very hard to fight the citation, but he ended up pleading no contest to a misdemeanor and was fined. Although Ryan didn’t think it was so funny at the time, we had many good laughs imagining him having to declare his misdemeanor of “livestock at large” on a future employment application.
So despite his criminal record, I had the immense honor and privilege of marrying and being the best friend of this incredible person. Many people have asked me for the past two years whether or not Ryan really meant what he said on our blog and at his speaking engagements and if he was different at home. To answer that succinctly, absolutely not. While Ryan did struggle with the thought of leaving the rest of us behind – especially Colton and I - I never heard him complain about his illness, and he never once complained of how this whole situation was terribly unfair. Of course he was human, but his faith and his response never wavered throughout 24 months of heavy treatment, rollercoaster scans, and ultimately the blow that we received at the end of his long hospitalization and in his final days as he realized that he was close to death. Ryan was a person that was truly graced by God with the determination to praise his Savior no matter the circumstances that were thrown his direction. And he had the confidence and the burning desire to share this praise with the world at large, so that other people might also be impacted by Jesus Christ.
So what makes a young man, with his whole life ahead of him, be able to respond this way? I want to turn your attention to the passage on the inside of the program, from 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” You see, one of the most remarkable characteristics about my husband was what he chose to fixate upon. He did not fixate upon cancer. He chose to fix his eyes on what was unseen, on things of eternal value. His ultimate hope was not just to be healed of cancer, but rather no matter what happened to him, his hope remained completely rooted in the salvation that he had through Christ Jesus. And because of that hope, he did not lose heart. Though outwardly his human body wasted away, each and every day he was renewed by his hope in the Lord. In that passage, Paul talks about “light and momentary troubles”. This is said by Paul – the Apostle Paul – the man who was beaten, shipwrecked, and imprisoned. Ryan also considered his troubles to be light and momentary – the radiation, the countless rounds of chemo, the side effects from medication, the loss of physical strength. However, both Paul and Ryan considered that their present sufferings were not worth comparing to the glory that would be revealed in them.
And that, my friends, is the very essence of what Living in High Definition is all about. Eternal perspective. I would like to share some of Ryan’s very own words from a blog that he wrote in March of 2012.
"Some days this cancer and the future feel overwhelming. I may very well have a lot of pain and suffering in my future. I may have the loss of dreams and goals and hopes. Continuing to work at being obedient and living our faith out is hard, very hard at times. Yes as bad as all this feels - what must Glory be like? If it makes this hell that we are going through seem "light and momentary" - what must eternity be like! Chew a moment on what could possibly make shipwrecks, beatings, imprisonments, poverty, sickness, and more seem "light and momentary". How does that not motivate us to do everything we can to honor God?
That is Living in High Definition. To see every situation and circumstance through an eternal perspective. Fixing our eyes on what is unseen, what is eternal! I can relate to Paul's feeling a death sentence, but I'm also starting to understand the incredible future that is called Heaven. It doesn't just give me peace, it drives me to serve Him more and more."
Ryan chose to see life in high definition. To trust God. To obey Him. To honor his family and to choose not to stress about things that were temporary. It was not always an easy decision to have eternal perspective or to be obedient. But time and time again, Ryan and I said aloud to each other – to live in high definition is ultimately a choice. It’s a choice that sometimes has to be made even several times a day. But all it is, is a choice. And when trials come, as they so often do, a person that lives life in high definition is going to be able to stand tall, as Ryan did, and handle trials with grace and dignity, knowing that Scripture promises us in Romans 5 that “suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
I know my husband very well. I know that he would be so touched by the fact that so many of his friends and family and supporters came here today to remember him and to support his wife and his family members. He would laugh at our jokes, and he would add several of his own, and some of those jokes would probably border on inappropriate. But he would also ask these questions: What do you believe? Why do you believe it? And if you have faith, what are you going to do with it? Are you going to use your faith to impact the world, or are you going to hide it under a rock? And when circumstances happen: does your faith define your circumstances or do your circumstances define your faith? He would want every single person here to know that it is possible to live life in high definition. It first takes faith in Jesus Christ. And then it takes total surrender to God’s purposes for your life. Life will not always be easy – it wasn’t for Ryan. But Ryan finished his short life well, and I imagine that as he entered heaven and kneeled before the throne, his Heavenly Father touched his beautiful dark hair and looked into his warm brown eyes, and said, “Well done, good and faithful servant. Welcome home.”
I miss him more than I ever could have imagined. My husband, my best friend, my son’s father, our inspiration, cowboy, comic relief, brother, son, grandson, nephew, friend. He has truly left a legacy so deep and so wide that the world will remember him for years to come, and even more importantly – Colton will keep learning the rich spiritual lessons that Ryan so bravely taught in the midst of his illness. Ryan will have left more of a legacy in his short life than many people do in a full life. Although I ache for the profound loss that my son and I will acutely feel for years, I do rejoice today in knowing that my best friend is safe in the loving arms of Jesus, where he will remain for eternity – and because I have the same hope that he had, I will once again see him before long.
Until we meet again, cowboy. I love you.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Living Life in High Definition
Last night I found the link to this video of Ryan from December 2010, four months before he was diagnosed with cancer. In the video, he recounts a story from the previous day in which I had nearly been in a car accident. He also begins to define what living in high definition meant to him.
Ryan's message of trusting God, appreciating what really matters, and living a life intentionally for the sake of the kingdom of Christ - that message began when he was small, continued to be refined when he got older, and was burnished when he was diagnosed with cancer. This video brings me joy because I was reminded that Ryan was not only someone special when he had cancer - he was uniquely formed by God to be a mouthpiece for His glory from the very beginning. Cancer just gave him a megaphone with which to shout God's praises.
Ryan's message of trusting God, appreciating what really matters, and living a life intentionally for the sake of the kingdom of Christ - that message began when he was small, continued to be refined when he got older, and was burnished when he was diagnosed with cancer. This video brings me joy because I was reminded that Ryan was not only someone special when he had cancer - he was uniquely formed by God to be a mouthpiece for His glory from the very beginning. Cancer just gave him a megaphone with which to shout God's praises.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Obituary, letters to Colton, and pictures.
Hello friends, I wanted to let you know that the service times have been posted online, in Ryan's obituary:
http://www.kingfuneralhome.net/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=2058536&fh_id=10968
The other thing that I wanted to ask of you: I would like to collect letters that are addressed to Colton that tell him about who his daddy was. Ryan was many things to many people: an inspiration, a blessing, comic relief, maybe even an occasional pain in the neck! As Colton grows, I would love to be able to share your stories and memories with him. I am asking that people send these letters to Colton one of three ways:
1.) Email the letter to the email address below.
2.) Send the letter in the mail to: Colton Prudhomme, c/o Grace Adventures, 2100 N Ridge Rd, Mears, MI 49436.
3.) Bring the letter to one of the services.
This will be such a valuable thing for our son to have. I thank you in advance for helping us.
The last thing I would like to ask for is pictures of Ryan. If you have any pictures of Ryan from his childhood or adulthood, please email them to the other email address listed below. It would be best to have these in before Thursday morning, so that we could possibly incorporate them into a slideshow.
Thank you.
I am so grateful for the outpouring of love the last 36 hours from our friends, family, and blog readers. We as a family are so amazed at the far-reaching impact that Ryan had in his 27 years. He packed a lot of meaning into his short life, and God graced him with an amazing message to bring to encourage people. I already miss him so much, but God has already so clearly given us peace and comfort in the midst of our deep sorrow.
http://www.kingfuneralhome.net/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=2058536&fh_id=10968
The other thing that I wanted to ask of you: I would like to collect letters that are addressed to Colton that tell him about who his daddy was. Ryan was many things to many people: an inspiration, a blessing, comic relief, maybe even an occasional pain in the neck! As Colton grows, I would love to be able to share your stories and memories with him. I am asking that people send these letters to Colton one of three ways:
1.) Email the letter to the email address below.
2.) Send the letter in the mail to: Colton Prudhomme, c/o Grace Adventures, 2100 N Ridge Rd, Mears, MI 49436.
3.) Bring the letter to one of the services.
This will be such a valuable thing for our son to have. I thank you in advance for helping us.
The last thing I would like to ask for is pictures of Ryan. If you have any pictures of Ryan from his childhood or adulthood, please email them to the other email address listed below. It would be best to have these in before Thursday morning, so that we could possibly incorporate them into a slideshow.
Thank you.
I am so grateful for the outpouring of love the last 36 hours from our friends, family, and blog readers. We as a family are so amazed at the far-reaching impact that Ryan had in his 27 years. He packed a lot of meaning into his short life, and God graced him with an amazing message to bring to encourage people. I already miss him so much, but God has already so clearly given us peace and comfort in the midst of our deep sorrow.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Ryan Scott Prudhomme, Feb. 21, 1986 - Apr. 8, 2013
It was an immense privilege to walk this journey alongside my husband and my hero. He has taught me so much about courage, faith, perseverance, love, hope, and contentment and I am deeply thankful to God for granting me the years that I had with him. So, so thankful.
I am also grateful for your continuous prayers and still covet them for our family, especially for Ryan's beloved son, Colton. We have a long road ahead of us, but we will walk that road with the unshakable hope and peace of Christ.
Well done, good and faithful servant.
"No guilt in life,
No fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me.
From life's first cry
To final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny."
As details about services become finalized, we will release details later today or tomorrow.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
My promise to my dying husband
Your smile.
Anytime I think of you, the first thing I see in my mind’s eye is your megawatt smile. Your friendliness, your openness, and your sense of humor, all amplified and highlighted by your toothy, crooked grin.
That grin caught my eye over a decade ago, and ultimately captured my heart. From the first days of our relationship when we were just a couple of love-struck high school students, to the moment you saw me walking down the aisle, to the moment I saw you first lay eyes on your son, to the moment now when I enter your hospital room—your smile melts my heart, Ryan. You still dazzle me.
Life with you has been easy because it has been clear from the start that God uniquely wired us to be together. You challenge me, you sharpen me, you inspire me, and you make me a better person. Your unwavering commitment to the Lord makes my own relationship with Him much richer and more intentional because I have you to look to as an example of what it means to live a life sold out for Christ. Even through the last two years, as we have walked the road of your terminal cancer diagnosis together, life has remained colorful and sweet because our God is gracious to me, and you are one of the three biggest gifts I've received from Him. Salvation and our son are the other two.
On May 13, 2006, I saw your huge smile as I made my way down a short aisle to marry you. And on that day, you and I made a lot of promises to each other. "...from this day forward, I will devote myself to you and our family, second only to God / I commit to loving you, as much during difficult times as well as times of happiness / in victories as well as defeats / All these things I promise to you."
When I look back, so much has happened in almost seven years and I have realized that it’s time to restate exactly what I promise to you. Life has happened. And as we stare down this monster with hands clasped together and the Lord firmly entrenched behind us, I want to leave no doubt that you know these things.
Ryan Scott Prudhomme, I promise to you that I will cherish your memory as long as I live. Your character, your integrity, your heart for the Lord, and your unshakable faith in Him are all reasons that I, along with many others, will continue to regard you as a most extraordinary person. I admire you more than you could imagine.
Ryan, I promise to you that your son will know you as he grows. Any creative way that I can devise to ensure that he grows up feeling close to you—I plan to do it. Any person that can tell him about your jokes, your idiosyncrasies, your personality traits—I will ensure those people have an avenue to tell your son about his beloved daddy. Regardless of whether you get to parent him for two or twenty or seventy years, I pledge to you my commitment to raise him to know his dad.
I promise to you I will not despair, I will not be broken, and I will somehow, someday, some way again feel joy and peace. During the last two years, I know your first thoughts are usually of me—not of yourself—and you have been far more worried about me and Colton. Your love for me has never been more evident and has helped gird me through some very difficult times. I could never have done this without your faithful prayer and your encouragement, but I’m entering into a new phase where I won’t have the luxury of your nearness. Despite that, I know deep down that I am a person that can shoulder anything, as long as the Lord stands behind me. And He will. I will, with His grace, stand tall and will endure whatever tomorrow brings. Don't you worry.
My last promise, Ryan, is not a new one—and it’s not a promise to you. It’s a promise to my Lord and Savior. I promise that my trust in the Lord will not be broken, bent, tarnished, punctured, pushed, nor shaken. I have no idea what He is orchestrating. I may not ever know until I am able to question Him in person someday. But I know the character of the One who alone knows the number of our days, He who knew you from the time before you were born and still, to this day, holds you and I in a tight, secure grip. His goodness and his mercy have been the constancy that we have so sorely needed during the last two rollercoaster years.
My darling, I love you more than I could ever have guessed that I would have loved you when you first flashed that unforgettable smile at me in the crowded hallway of our small high school. You are more than just my husband: you’re my best friend, my closest confidant, my sparring partner, my teacher, and my hero. When I close my eyes and think of you, I will always remember the sweet happiness of being perfectly matched to a person that pushed me to be a greater version of my own self.
And I’ll never forget the beautiful smile on your face.
Which always will bring one to my own.
-Kendra
I wrote this letter to Ryan while he was hospitalized at CTCA in March. After he read it, he strongly encouraged me to release it on our blog when I felt that it was the appropriate time. We both pray that it is effective in bringing encouragement to those that read this blog.
Photo Credit: Yeoman Photography, Big Rapids, MI
Sunday, March 31, 2013
What the resurrection means to me.
Lamentations 3:21-33
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.
28 Let him sit alone in silence,
for the Lord has laid it on him.
29 Let him bury his face in the dust—
there may yet be hope.
30 Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,
and let him be filled with disgrace.
31 For no one is cast off
by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.
33 For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to anyone.
This week, my pastor asked me to share what the resurrection means to me. He shared this at our church's Sunday morning service.
So, what does the resurrection mean to me? The resurrection changed everything; there is no going back. However, I can not think about the resurrection without connecting it to salvation.
The resurrection happened because of God's great love. It is an all-consuming process. The resurrection completely transformed the world and salvation should completely change your world. Jesus did not die for a select group of people, he died for everyone. When we accept the gift of salvation it too must affect every part of our hearts and our person.
The resurrection is what God did for the world. Salvation is our opportunity to partake in the resurrection and enter back into a pure relationship with our Father. As sinners, part of salvation requires we acknowledge our personal sin. We have to experience the depth of our depravity before we can fully experience the gift we gave been given through his compassion and his lovingkindness. Therefore, just as God allowed Jesus to suffer and die, we too must go through this purification fire in order to die to our sinful selves.
Part of the resurrection was that Jesus had to bear alone and in silence the weight of the world. God promises us no one is cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
So just as Jesus placed his faith that God would not abandon him forever and willingly surrendered his death, we too must recognize in the middle of our trials that we will not be cast off forever. Experiencing this regeneration of the soul is how we enter into the most intimate relationship with our Father.
For me, knowing how undeserved of this gift I am - and yet God still bestowed his lovingkindness on me - has transformed everything from the inside out. Now my only aim is to please God with every fiber of my body. I can willingly sacrifice comforts and pleasures, dreams, and my life - knowing that every moment I get that to honor God has eternal value.
I am compelled to share this with any one I get a chance. I am no longer worried about others' impressions or my failure, but rather I am focused on fulfilling my purpose.
The resurrection was the ultimate expression of God's love. If we accept it through salvation, we must love God and those around us as He has modeled for us.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.
28 Let him sit alone in silence,
for the Lord has laid it on him.
29 Let him bury his face in the dust—
there may yet be hope.
30 Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,
and let him be filled with disgrace.
31 For no one is cast off
by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.
33 For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to anyone.
This week, my pastor asked me to share what the resurrection means to me. He shared this at our church's Sunday morning service.
So, what does the resurrection mean to me? The resurrection changed everything; there is no going back. However, I can not think about the resurrection without connecting it to salvation.
The resurrection happened because of God's great love. It is an all-consuming process. The resurrection completely transformed the world and salvation should completely change your world. Jesus did not die for a select group of people, he died for everyone. When we accept the gift of salvation it too must affect every part of our hearts and our person.
The resurrection is what God did for the world. Salvation is our opportunity to partake in the resurrection and enter back into a pure relationship with our Father. As sinners, part of salvation requires we acknowledge our personal sin. We have to experience the depth of our depravity before we can fully experience the gift we gave been given through his compassion and his lovingkindness. Therefore, just as God allowed Jesus to suffer and die, we too must go through this purification fire in order to die to our sinful selves.
Part of the resurrection was that Jesus had to bear alone and in silence the weight of the world. God promises us no one is cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
So just as Jesus placed his faith that God would not abandon him forever and willingly surrendered his death, we too must recognize in the middle of our trials that we will not be cast off forever. Experiencing this regeneration of the soul is how we enter into the most intimate relationship with our Father.
For me, knowing how undeserved of this gift I am - and yet God still bestowed his lovingkindness on me - has transformed everything from the inside out. Now my only aim is to please God with every fiber of my body. I can willingly sacrifice comforts and pleasures, dreams, and my life - knowing that every moment I get that to honor God has eternal value.
I am compelled to share this with any one I get a chance. I am no longer worried about others' impressions or my failure, but rather I am focused on fulfilling my purpose.
The resurrection was the ultimate expression of God's love. If we accept it through salvation, we must love God and those around us as He has modeled for us.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
One bumpy ride
Dear friends and family,
After enduring five hours on a gurney, basically strapped in the bed of a pickup truck, by the grace of God I made it home. As you can imagine, this trip took quite a bit out of me. Kendra and our families plan on taking some time to recharge our batteries and learn about what our new normal looks like. We understand many of you have a strong desire to connect with us, but we would like to get through the next VERY busy few days and then see what next week looks like. Thank you so much for your cards, emails, and encouraging comments. We are blessed.
After enduring five hours on a gurney, basically strapped in the bed of a pickup truck, by the grace of God I made it home. As you can imagine, this trip took quite a bit out of me. Kendra and our families plan on taking some time to recharge our batteries and learn about what our new normal looks like. We understand many of you have a strong desire to connect with us, but we would like to get through the next VERY busy few days and then see what next week looks like. Thank you so much for your cards, emails, and encouraging comments. We are blessed.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Two days in a row!
Feeling really well again today. Very positive news on the digestive front today! Please keep praying but lots if good news so far. Treatment around 5 cst today. Thanks or the packages, emails, cards, chores, support, and everything I'm forgetting. We're so blessed.
Please pray for Colton. There is no schedule or rhythm for him which can be hard at times. We miss many of you very much. If we haven't met yet we would like to someday soon.
Lastly keep praying for the blood leak to stop or slow down quickly. This is one of the last pieces to fall back into place.
Until then we will praise God and watch Big Ten basketball all day!
Please pray for Colton. There is no schedule or rhythm for him which can be hard at times. We miss many of you very much. If we haven't met yet we would like to someday soon.
Lastly keep praying for the blood leak to stop or slow down quickly. This is one of the last pieces to fall back into place.
Until then we will praise God and watch Big Ten basketball all day!
Monday, March 4, 2013
Update 2 from Monday March 4th
I now have a bleeding scan scheduled for today! This is good news as it is the first step towards the angiogram. They will use nuclear Medicine to determine the source of the bleeding.
Please pray for the Dr's to find an obvious easy to access easy to treat tumor!
We will keep you posted with updates as they come. I don't thinks its an accident that 10 minutes after I asked for prayer the first step started to happen.
Please pray for the Dr's to find an obvious easy to access easy to treat tumor!
We will keep you posted with updates as they come. I don't thinks its an accident that 10 minutes after I asked for prayer the first step started to happen.
My biggest prayer request for you ever!
It has been a very tough morning. I met with a couple of doctors this morning, mine and the gastroenterologist. Their consensus was things were a lot more serious. The bleeding seems to be come from one of the small newer tumors on the lobe of the liver. It is still probably "seeping" fluid.
The real problem is they HAVE to identify the source of the fluid. They think they know. They're talking with other Dr's about whether to do an angiogram to discover the source and then hopefully coagulate the tumor. The instrument has to get far enough up into the tumor in order to do that.
THOSE THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN, FIND THE BLOOD SOURCE, COAGULATE IT!
There are not strong odds for a successful procedure.
Once the doctors decide to move forward, then there are still no guarantees.
If they can stop the blood we're back in business. Work on getting my counts right and pursue treatment again. If they can't complete the procedure there are no more options. The blood will continue to leak into my body and after a while my organs will slowly start to shut down.
This is the scary option. The Dr's said the don't honestly expect me to leave this hospital, and once the organs start to go it will be "sooner than later".
Another slim but possible scenario is the tumor clots up on its own. This probably would've happened it it was going to but that's man's timing not God's.
I won't lie and say I'm not scared. I was doing fine as I found out and was able to ask questions and keep it together. However once I started calling family members it became much more difficult. I felt like I was the one inflicting their pain. I know it wasn't me, but I felt like it was my fault.
I love God passionately and unashamedly. He is my all in all. My redeemer. This is still no more out of his hands than anything else I've faced so far.
I love God passionately and unashamedly. He is my all in all. My redeemer. This is still no more out of his hands than anything else I've faced so far.
How can you help?
Kendra and Colton and my mom are headed down tonight to be together with us. Pray for safe travels.
There are so many types of people grieving this right now, mother, father, wife, son, brothers, introverts, extroverts, .etc. Please pray we would have the Grace from God to deal with whatever news comes our way. That we would all lean on him in obedience and find our peace and joy and hope in him.
Pray for the Angiogram!!! That it would happen. That doctor's hands would be guided by Holy Angels to direct them. That they would find the source, get where they need to go, and stop the bleeding of this tumor!
Pray for Kendra and I as we may be living in two worlds more dramatically sooner than we expected. A foot in the strong possibility of fate, and a foot in the eternal and guaranteed promise of hope.
Pray for God's will to be done above all. Not my selfish will to be alive, but God's will regardless of how it affects me. He is Lord of Lord.
Please forward this blog to as many people as you can. The more people calling on God's name for His will to be done, the more please our Father will be.
I and we are going to choose to glorify God no matter what happens. We have done that since April 1st, 2011. God is sovereign and we will live every moment purposefully trying to serve him.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Day three of my internment... I mean being admitted...
Oh, where to begin?
I'll try to give you a succinct update but there have been so many things that have arisen, changed, are very detailed, or are still up in the air that it is hard for me to remember all the details and the timeline. What else is new right? I've been on a steady stream of Dilaudid as well so that my have something to do with it. But I'm very happy. :-)
We were discharged on Thursday from CTCA to go home and immediately get admitted on Friday. Doctors at CTCA were worried about some of my blood count numbers, liver enzymes and proteins, and a few other medical indicators. They were also concerned about the source of the fluid that has been draining consistently from my abdomen since Thursday. If you saw me in Pennsylvania while I was teaching Monday through Tuesday I probably looked pretty "puffy" in the belly region. No I don't have a beer belly, it was just a lot of fluid accumulating.
So we tried to get admitted back home and long story short the hospital wouldn't admit us with out checking us through ER first. Once in ER they determined they were underqualified to deal with my case. I could have transferred to Grand Rapids a much larger hospital but we felt more comfortable just heading back to Chicago, where my doctors who know me, know my case, and have all the experience you could imagine with complicated cancers.
My dad and I got into Chicago around 8:00 EST. After checking in (they were waiting for me) it was a matter of 20-30 minutes before I was admitted. The gave me two units of blood Friday night. However they didn't start until around midnight and at about 2.5 hours per unit. I spent a lot of my night getting woken up by nurses who were just doing their job, so I hold no grudges, it was just a long night.
Yesterday and today the focus has been on getting my counts back higher which they appear to be doing. My hemoglobin has risen by 2 points, and my biliruben has dropped by 1.5 points. Other liver enzymes and proteins appear to be normal or close to normal. The fluid draining has seemed to slow down a little bit, however there is still a lot of blood in it which is concerning for the Dr.'s.
One of the priorities for the Dr.'s tomorrow is going to be trying to discern the source of the leaking. They seem to think it might be the tumor close to the colon. If this is true that colon is "weeping" or "seeping" fluid which is not abnormal. The good news is the chemo we're looking at starting if effective should really attack the fluid discharge from the tumor. So treatment might start soon!
Really I don't know much more at this time other than my counts seem to be improving and there are many doctors coordinating on my case. They will all meet tomorrow sometime to put the plan together. Once we have that information, hopefully we'll know rough timeframes for how long we might be here, what the severity is, and how we're going to attack it.
Kendra and I are doing relatively well. The medical part is very difficult for Kendra, however the separation might be the most difficult. I'm staying very positive about my prognosis, and view this as a speed bump. However, an indefinite stay at a hospital (no matter how amazing and incredible it is) is not my idea of how to spend my time. I've had to cancel a couple speaking engagements that I was really excited about. They were, of course, very gracious.
Please pray for my family and my extended family. There are many, many unknowns and as we've experienced things can change so fast either to the good or to the bad. What we take peace, confidence, and joy in, is that my God, the God who created me for His purposes is running the show and calling the shots. I've had a number of opportunities to share my faith, encourage others, and be a light to those around me. Pray for more opportunities.
Feel free to send notes of encouragement and scripture. It is such a blessing to hear from others. Just as an FYI, you can comment below (you do not have to have a google account), or you can click "Contact Us" up above and that goes straight to our email.
I'll try to give you a succinct update but there have been so many things that have arisen, changed, are very detailed, or are still up in the air that it is hard for me to remember all the details and the timeline. What else is new right? I've been on a steady stream of Dilaudid as well so that my have something to do with it. But I'm very happy. :-)
We were discharged on Thursday from CTCA to go home and immediately get admitted on Friday. Doctors at CTCA were worried about some of my blood count numbers, liver enzymes and proteins, and a few other medical indicators. They were also concerned about the source of the fluid that has been draining consistently from my abdomen since Thursday. If you saw me in Pennsylvania while I was teaching Monday through Tuesday I probably looked pretty "puffy" in the belly region. No I don't have a beer belly, it was just a lot of fluid accumulating.
So we tried to get admitted back home and long story short the hospital wouldn't admit us with out checking us through ER first. Once in ER they determined they were underqualified to deal with my case. I could have transferred to Grand Rapids a much larger hospital but we felt more comfortable just heading back to Chicago, where my doctors who know me, know my case, and have all the experience you could imagine with complicated cancers.
My dad and I got into Chicago around 8:00 EST. After checking in (they were waiting for me) it was a matter of 20-30 minutes before I was admitted. The gave me two units of blood Friday night. However they didn't start until around midnight and at about 2.5 hours per unit. I spent a lot of my night getting woken up by nurses who were just doing their job, so I hold no grudges, it was just a long night.
Yesterday and today the focus has been on getting my counts back higher which they appear to be doing. My hemoglobin has risen by 2 points, and my biliruben has dropped by 1.5 points. Other liver enzymes and proteins appear to be normal or close to normal. The fluid draining has seemed to slow down a little bit, however there is still a lot of blood in it which is concerning for the Dr.'s.
One of the priorities for the Dr.'s tomorrow is going to be trying to discern the source of the leaking. They seem to think it might be the tumor close to the colon. If this is true that colon is "weeping" or "seeping" fluid which is not abnormal. The good news is the chemo we're looking at starting if effective should really attack the fluid discharge from the tumor. So treatment might start soon!
Really I don't know much more at this time other than my counts seem to be improving and there are many doctors coordinating on my case. They will all meet tomorrow sometime to put the plan together. Once we have that information, hopefully we'll know rough timeframes for how long we might be here, what the severity is, and how we're going to attack it.
Kendra and I are doing relatively well. The medical part is very difficult for Kendra, however the separation might be the most difficult. I'm staying very positive about my prognosis, and view this as a speed bump. However, an indefinite stay at a hospital (no matter how amazing and incredible it is) is not my idea of how to spend my time. I've had to cancel a couple speaking engagements that I was really excited about. They were, of course, very gracious.
Please pray for my family and my extended family. There are many, many unknowns and as we've experienced things can change so fast either to the good or to the bad. What we take peace, confidence, and joy in, is that my God, the God who created me for His purposes is running the show and calling the shots. I've had a number of opportunities to share my faith, encourage others, and be a light to those around me. Pray for more opportunities.
Feel free to send notes of encouragement and scripture. It is such a blessing to hear from others. Just as an FYI, you can comment below (you do not have to have a google account), or you can click "Contact Us" up above and that goes straight to our email.
Friday, March 1, 2013
On the road again
Headed back to Chicago. Many different questions still unanswered. Felt like Chicago was our best option. They are the best and know me the best. Please pray for answers. Pray specifically we can find the source of the fluid building in my stomach. This is very important. We will keep you posted. Right now it's my dad and I headed down. Pray for my whole family for peace wisdom and grace. Thank you.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
The first time I wanted to quit
I've had a secret project that Kendra and I have been working on for the last six months or more. It's been off and on, but since Thanksgiving it's really been a focus and time consumer for me.
We're writing a book.
There I said it. I haven't wanted to publicize what I have been up to. I feel I need to share it now though. I'm very excited about it. I never in a million years thought I could possibly author a book. Yet here I am working through chapter after chapter. My fondest memory of English class were the School House Rock videos, after that not much was pleasant. Sure I like to read but I hate to write. Sort of ironic that now my profession as a marketing director involves writing and my hobby as a blogger and now potential author all are anchored in the written word.
We had many people approach us and encourage us to write and honestly I blew them off. I didn't think I was qualified or willing for that matter to pursue that type of project. However a marketing director for a substantial sports and literary agency contacted us after reading our blog and strongly encouraged me that I need to think about getting published.
Wow. This was a different level. No offense to my friends, but moms love ugly babies, why wouldn't you love my writing? So we began exploring, reading, and attending writing conferences trying to learn so much about this strange new literary world.
After starting a project and writing a couple chapters, we sent it to the agency and they showed it around and got back with us that there was real potential,,, but the writing wasn't strong enough.
Big shocker, I know. It really didn't offend me. I was so intimidated by this process and the time it was taking and just not knowing what I didn't know that I was open to answers. They asked us what about a writer to work with you, co-author the book.
Honestly I really didn't mind. It wasn't about me, it was about our story. So if someone else could help me tell this story that might help it get published, and in front of more people, that God might affect their lives, I was willing.
So through the power of the Holy Spirit we found an incredible seasoned Christian author with whom we instantly developed a bond and a trust with. He came up from Florida to visit us and get to know us. Now he is full steam ahead working on our project.
How it works is I give him notes with scriptures, stories, analogies, etc. Then I verbally record my thoughts for about forty five minutes to seventy five minutes. He takes all this and writes a first draft. We then have extensive back and forth. Kendra and I have final say on everything, and we still do a lot of writing and re-writing with him.
The first chapter is focused on godliness. Again, as I sat on the couch knowing that I really needed to verbally explain my notes to Larry, I started to feel very anxious. Ever since we met Larry and really started digging into the project weird things have been happening.
The time I have to work on this is evenings and weekends. Over the last month and a half to two months most nights and weekends I start feeling very "spacey" and weak. I have difficulty being motivated and focusing. I will feel totally alert during the day and then something changes at night. I have really been fighting itchiness as well. Again, it follows the same pattern. Worse at night and on weekends. Almost unbearable. During the day it's much more manageable.
As I talked to Larry, he too had been experiencing physical difficulties as he began working on our project. It wasn't until after I began working on Chapter one that it hit me. I'm under attack from the evil one. We're under attack. He does not want to see this book come to fruition and is working hard to keep both of us from being able to dedicate ourselves to it.
So back to the night I tried to do my first recording. I was anxious and starting to get overwhelmed when one of the verses I wanted to use suddenly was nowhere to be found. I used every internet Bible search and it literally was ripped from every version, translation, and commentary in the Bible. Just the evening before I had found it and now I couldn't find it anywhere.
My steam was rising, I don't do well with things that I know should be one way or something should be some place and it's not. I get angry, irritable, snappy, and worse. That night Kendra was saintly catching many of the bullets of my anger. As I realized I'm supposed to spend the next hour talking about godliness and here I am blowing up over not finding a Bible verse, I kind of lost it.
I wanted to quit. It was so hard. Not just not finding the verse, but the whole thing. I didn't think this would be easy, but I had no idea it would be this hard. All my inadequacies rose to the surface again, my physical symptoms attacked again, and I felt like it was all a huge waste of time.
My angel of a wife kept encouraging me, praying for me, and supporting me. She let me vent, spout off, and I finally came back and apologized.
I knew what I had to do. After praying that the next hour would be spirit led. I knew I just had to start. It would be awkward and clunky. It would be scattered and random. But I just had to start. So I started rambling into the recorder and before too long something special happened.
My mind snapped into clarity and I began getting louder and louder and I talked about godliness into this microphone. I started thinking of more verses that I didn't write down before, more analogies came to mind, and I was getting really excited (not a good problem for someone battling sleep deprivation to get really excited at 10:30 at night).
I was being obedient and God was supplying for me. He was supplying my physical, mental, and spiritual needs. What I wanted to quit, God was supernaturally empowering me to fulfill.
There is a long long ways to go with this book. Even once we write it it may never get published. I'm not concerned about any of that right now. I just want to be obedient and I definitely feel called to finish this project. It's something special and so dear to my heart.
Letters to my Son: What I want to tell him in case I never can
It is a topical discussion of the areas of Colton's life he'll need to learn about to be a godly man. These are the things I planned on teaching him over the next 20 plus years. I pray that someday I get to read this book to him, but if I don't and he's the only one that reads it, it will be worth it.
Please pray for me and Kendra and Larry. We do feel that Satan does not want us to complete this project. There are many things that could side track it or derail it. Pray for our physical and mental ability to spend the time necessary. Pray that the thoughts and leadings of the Holy Spirit are what would become the ink on paper, and not anything that points to Ryan selfishly or out of pride. It's so important to me that this book says what it needs to say, and I don't fully know what that is right now. I do know where God guides He provides. So I'll keep following this Guide and see what He provides me.
We're writing a book.
There I said it. I haven't wanted to publicize what I have been up to. I feel I need to share it now though. I'm very excited about it. I never in a million years thought I could possibly author a book. Yet here I am working through chapter after chapter. My fondest memory of English class were the School House Rock videos, after that not much was pleasant. Sure I like to read but I hate to write. Sort of ironic that now my profession as a marketing director involves writing and my hobby as a blogger and now potential author all are anchored in the written word.
We had many people approach us and encourage us to write and honestly I blew them off. I didn't think I was qualified or willing for that matter to pursue that type of project. However a marketing director for a substantial sports and literary agency contacted us after reading our blog and strongly encouraged me that I need to think about getting published.
Wow. This was a different level. No offense to my friends, but moms love ugly babies, why wouldn't you love my writing? So we began exploring, reading, and attending writing conferences trying to learn so much about this strange new literary world.
After starting a project and writing a couple chapters, we sent it to the agency and they showed it around and got back with us that there was real potential,,, but the writing wasn't strong enough.
Big shocker, I know. It really didn't offend me. I was so intimidated by this process and the time it was taking and just not knowing what I didn't know that I was open to answers. They asked us what about a writer to work with you, co-author the book.
Honestly I really didn't mind. It wasn't about me, it was about our story. So if someone else could help me tell this story that might help it get published, and in front of more people, that God might affect their lives, I was willing.
So through the power of the Holy Spirit we found an incredible seasoned Christian author with whom we instantly developed a bond and a trust with. He came up from Florida to visit us and get to know us. Now he is full steam ahead working on our project.
How it works is I give him notes with scriptures, stories, analogies, etc. Then I verbally record my thoughts for about forty five minutes to seventy five minutes. He takes all this and writes a first draft. We then have extensive back and forth. Kendra and I have final say on everything, and we still do a lot of writing and re-writing with him.
The first chapter is focused on godliness. Again, as I sat on the couch knowing that I really needed to verbally explain my notes to Larry, I started to feel very anxious. Ever since we met Larry and really started digging into the project weird things have been happening.
The time I have to work on this is evenings and weekends. Over the last month and a half to two months most nights and weekends I start feeling very "spacey" and weak. I have difficulty being motivated and focusing. I will feel totally alert during the day and then something changes at night. I have really been fighting itchiness as well. Again, it follows the same pattern. Worse at night and on weekends. Almost unbearable. During the day it's much more manageable.
As I talked to Larry, he too had been experiencing physical difficulties as he began working on our project. It wasn't until after I began working on Chapter one that it hit me. I'm under attack from the evil one. We're under attack. He does not want to see this book come to fruition and is working hard to keep both of us from being able to dedicate ourselves to it.
So back to the night I tried to do my first recording. I was anxious and starting to get overwhelmed when one of the verses I wanted to use suddenly was nowhere to be found. I used every internet Bible search and it literally was ripped from every version, translation, and commentary in the Bible. Just the evening before I had found it and now I couldn't find it anywhere.
My steam was rising, I don't do well with things that I know should be one way or something should be some place and it's not. I get angry, irritable, snappy, and worse. That night Kendra was saintly catching many of the bullets of my anger. As I realized I'm supposed to spend the next hour talking about godliness and here I am blowing up over not finding a Bible verse, I kind of lost it.
I wanted to quit. It was so hard. Not just not finding the verse, but the whole thing. I didn't think this would be easy, but I had no idea it would be this hard. All my inadequacies rose to the surface again, my physical symptoms attacked again, and I felt like it was all a huge waste of time.
My angel of a wife kept encouraging me, praying for me, and supporting me. She let me vent, spout off, and I finally came back and apologized.
I knew what I had to do. After praying that the next hour would be spirit led. I knew I just had to start. It would be awkward and clunky. It would be scattered and random. But I just had to start. So I started rambling into the recorder and before too long something special happened.
My mind snapped into clarity and I began getting louder and louder and I talked about godliness into this microphone. I started thinking of more verses that I didn't write down before, more analogies came to mind, and I was getting really excited (not a good problem for someone battling sleep deprivation to get really excited at 10:30 at night).
I was being obedient and God was supplying for me. He was supplying my physical, mental, and spiritual needs. What I wanted to quit, God was supernaturally empowering me to fulfill.
There is a long long ways to go with this book. Even once we write it it may never get published. I'm not concerned about any of that right now. I just want to be obedient and I definitely feel called to finish this project. It's something special and so dear to my heart.
Letters to my Son: What I want to tell him in case I never can
It is a topical discussion of the areas of Colton's life he'll need to learn about to be a godly man. These are the things I planned on teaching him over the next 20 plus years. I pray that someday I get to read this book to him, but if I don't and he's the only one that reads it, it will be worth it.
Please pray for me and Kendra and Larry. We do feel that Satan does not want us to complete this project. There are many things that could side track it or derail it. Pray for our physical and mental ability to spend the time necessary. Pray that the thoughts and leadings of the Holy Spirit are what would become the ink on paper, and not anything that points to Ryan selfishly or out of pride. It's so important to me that this book says what it needs to say, and I don't fully know what that is right now. I do know where God guides He provides. So I'll keep following this Guide and see what He provides me.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
It's been a while
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's... whoops I'm a little late I guess. Other than a post that was actually a devotional I gave at my family Christmas I haven't posted anything since before Christmas. There are a couple reasons why:
1. We had scans on the 26th of December. Kendra posted many updates on the results and I'm so thankful for God's provision for my treatment.
2. It was Christmas and we had family and holiday stuff like everyone else. We had a great time with both sides of the family. My brother recently got engaged and we got to meet our six-month-old nephew, so that was fun.
3. I've been sick off and on for a month. This is probably the biggest reason I haven't posted. For a week before the scans I started only sleeping about 3-4 hours a night. Then in between Christmas and New Years I caught the flu and fought a fever for about 10 days straight. I thought it got straightened out after seeing a Dr. and started to feel better until this Wednesday. While driving home I got a sharp pain in my neck that only got worse as the evening went on. A nice little visit to the ER revealed it could be a pulmonary embolism. After lots of scans and tests everything came back normal and as I suspected it was a muscle pull or pinched nerve or something muscular / skeletal. Then yesterday while driving to a business meeting I started feeling grey. I fought it off all day and went to bed with a slight fever. About an hour later the fever broke and I was finally feeling great again. The only problem is it was 1:00 am. I was wide awake and didn't go back to sleep until 4ish. After waking up at seven this morning, I've pretty much slept all day long. It wasn't until about 4 pm that I finally started feeling decent again.
I don't write all this to worry you, solicit help on how to stay healthy, or to elicit your sympathy. I know many of you care very deeply about how I'm doing. I've told Kendra I feel like the last month has been a battle. Fortunately none of the circumstances have been very serious in nature, they're just annoying, uncomfortable, or unpleasant.
When I'm sleep deprived, feverish, and overall just punky it's very hard for me to write anything. I wish I could but I just can't get the words to make sense in my head let alone on the page.
Here's a few prayer requests;
1. I have finally gotten the next round of Theraspheres scheduled. I will be going down January 23-24 for the next round. The actual injection will be very straight forward. However and this is IMPORTANT. The last scans revealed one tumor that appears to still be getting a blood supply. This allows it to grow. They're not sure where the supply is coming from, so before the injection they'll attempt to map out this specific tumor. Please pray that they could find the source and that it would be an option for a future injection of radiation. If they can't find the source or it's too intricate, then Theraspheres are not an option to treat that tumor.
2. Please pray for my overall health. While nothing seems to be serious, it is constantly a worry that an infection would get really bad, or that my body would get run down. We do take precautions to protect me and will continue to do so. However the best flu shot and medicine is the prayers of the saints.
3. Please pray for me professionally. This is a very busy time for me at work. It's exciting and God is doing some awesome things. However it requires a lot of focus and hard work. It is only for a season but I'm right in the middle of it now. Please pray for wisdom, strength, and focus.
Thanks so much for all your support. There is so much to be thankful for. We continue to take this journey one step at a time and God continues to guide us.
1. We had scans on the 26th of December. Kendra posted many updates on the results and I'm so thankful for God's provision for my treatment.
2. It was Christmas and we had family and holiday stuff like everyone else. We had a great time with both sides of the family. My brother recently got engaged and we got to meet our six-month-old nephew, so that was fun.
3. I've been sick off and on for a month. This is probably the biggest reason I haven't posted. For a week before the scans I started only sleeping about 3-4 hours a night. Then in between Christmas and New Years I caught the flu and fought a fever for about 10 days straight. I thought it got straightened out after seeing a Dr. and started to feel better until this Wednesday. While driving home I got a sharp pain in my neck that only got worse as the evening went on. A nice little visit to the ER revealed it could be a pulmonary embolism. After lots of scans and tests everything came back normal and as I suspected it was a muscle pull or pinched nerve or something muscular / skeletal. Then yesterday while driving to a business meeting I started feeling grey. I fought it off all day and went to bed with a slight fever. About an hour later the fever broke and I was finally feeling great again. The only problem is it was 1:00 am. I was wide awake and didn't go back to sleep until 4ish. After waking up at seven this morning, I've pretty much slept all day long. It wasn't until about 4 pm that I finally started feeling decent again.
I don't write all this to worry you, solicit help on how to stay healthy, or to elicit your sympathy. I know many of you care very deeply about how I'm doing. I've told Kendra I feel like the last month has been a battle. Fortunately none of the circumstances have been very serious in nature, they're just annoying, uncomfortable, or unpleasant.
When I'm sleep deprived, feverish, and overall just punky it's very hard for me to write anything. I wish I could but I just can't get the words to make sense in my head let alone on the page.
Here's a few prayer requests;
1. I have finally gotten the next round of Theraspheres scheduled. I will be going down January 23-24 for the next round. The actual injection will be very straight forward. However and this is IMPORTANT. The last scans revealed one tumor that appears to still be getting a blood supply. This allows it to grow. They're not sure where the supply is coming from, so before the injection they'll attempt to map out this specific tumor. Please pray that they could find the source and that it would be an option for a future injection of radiation. If they can't find the source or it's too intricate, then Theraspheres are not an option to treat that tumor.
2. Please pray for my overall health. While nothing seems to be serious, it is constantly a worry that an infection would get really bad, or that my body would get run down. We do take precautions to protect me and will continue to do so. However the best flu shot and medicine is the prayers of the saints.
3. Please pray for me professionally. This is a very busy time for me at work. It's exciting and God is doing some awesome things. However it requires a lot of focus and hard work. It is only for a season but I'm right in the middle of it now. Please pray for wisdom, strength, and focus.
Thanks so much for all your support. There is so much to be thankful for. We continue to take this journey one step at a time and God continues to guide us.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
My new years resolution; a year of surrender and faith
I attended a conference last month put on by the Christian Camp and Conference Association for all camping professionals in the country and Canada. It is a combination of professional development, relationship building, and spiritual renewal. The theme this year was Strong and Courageous. This was taken from:
Joshua 1:9 (NIV)
9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
I was asked to speak briefly about my experience with cancer and my perspective on Strong and Courageous. As I prayed about it the words surrender and faith came to mind.
Since the conference I've had this rattling around in my head and I can’t get loose of it.
Strength come through surrender, courage comes through faith.
At first it sounds like courage is something I’m supposed to “do”. Go out and conquer the world no matter what. Before cancer I probably had that approach. I could go and do anything I wanted to. There was nothing I put my mind to that I couldn't accomplish.
Now that’s totally different. I’m a shell of myself. I’m weaker and more worn down than I've ever been. I know I’m commanded to “not be terrified, do not be discouraged” but the more I try not to be the more I am some days. Some days “terrified” is exactly the word to use to describe how I feel. So what am I supposed to do?
I don’t have the strength to overcome right now. I can’t cowboy up and push through. I've tried. These emotions aren't fake or a figment of my imagination. They’re real. It’s proof that I've got a long ways to go in my walk with the Lord. If my faith was greater, maybe I wouldn't struggle... but I might make a speculation that Jesus himself was afraid and weak the night he prayed for mercy and relief in Gethsemane. His humanity shines through in that moment of pure vulnerability.
First, in order to gain strength and “be strong”, I must surrender all that is dear to me. Maybe it’s money like the rich young ruler, maybe it’s family like Abraham, maybe it’s comfort like Paul with his thorn in the side, maybe it’s your children’s decisions like David. Whatever it is, the more I cling to the things that I don’t want to lose, the quicker they slip through my fingers.
We’re all familiar with:
2 Cor 12:9-10
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
This makes no sense. The weaker we are the stronger we are? It’s 100% opposite what our culture tells us. When you fight cancer everyone comes and tells you to “keep fighting”. I know what they mean, and that they mean well. However, ultimately I don’t think one lives or dies from cancer solely because they choose to keep fighting. I won’t deny that attitude and determination play a part, but I know that I may very well choose to buckle down and fight like crazy and still lose this battle.
I think that’s like life. We are so afraid of losing the precious things in our lives, we hold onto them tightly. Then when we face adversity we buckle down and fight like crazy to “overcome, persevere, or get through”. We’re called to do the opposite though. It’s only through our weakness that God will take those things we once held dear and use them for His glory in a way that we never imagined.
Being willing to submit yourself to the will of God - no matter what it might mean in your life - is a scary idea. Deep down in our hearts, most of us have things we’re hiding, holding onto, or avoiding. If we want to be strong, we must be willing to truly surrender those intimate and vulnerable places we’ve been keeping God out of.
I was forced to surrender a lot in my life. So that was out of my hands. I’ve learned more about how to willingly surrender things along the way, such as Colton’s future, my wife’s future, the ministry goals I’ve had, and more. I wouldn’t say I have that lesson down, but like I said, I’ve been forced to learn this one. The lesson that I’m struggling with is courage.
I’ve always thought of myself as a courageous person. I rode unbroken horses, I wasn’t afraid to have hard conversations, and I’d like to think I would do what was necessary to defend my family or my country if called upon. There was a lot of bravado wrapped up in that, though. That kind of courage is about me, what I can do, how brave I am. The object of the courage is the individual.
As I read through scripture though there’s an overwhelming pattern that when one is told to be courageous it’s almost always in the context of, “the Lord is with you, the Lord will guide you, the Lord will provide”. I haven’t done a study to know if it’s every time, but it’s a lot. For instance:
Isaiah 41:10
New International Version (NIV)
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I’m told to “do not fear”. That’s great but I still do. Why am I afraid? What causes me to fear? Well right now the circumstances of what I’m facing are greater than my perceived capacity to overcome them. In other words, I can’t get out of this jam.
I’m told that God is with me, not to be discouraged, for He is my God. He will strengthen me, help me, and uphold me. So what am I afraid for? Again it has to do with my faith. Do I really trust that God is in control when life feels so out of control? Do I really trust that God’s still got a plan for me when all my plans have fallen a part? Do I really believe that God is still MY God, when it feels like He has abandoned me?
When I’m afraid, the answer is no. I’m not trusting that God is God. I do not believe He is still sovereign.
When I am at most peace is when I’m most dependent upon Him and I’ve chosen to surrender and trust Him. These moments are indescribable. It feels like a high of thanksgiving, peace, and hope. I haven’t found anything that compares to this feeling. Not only that, but God has used me in ways I could’ve never imagined before cancer. He’s opened doors for Kendra and I that we’ve dreamed of only now it’s happening and bigger and better than we dreamed.
So as I look to this New Year my goals and my encouragement to you is let’s be a people of surrender and faith. Let’s be a people that commits to being brave enough to let God into the recesses of our hearts and use our weaknesses to His purposes. I may not make it through the year, but whether I do or don’t, if I live my life like that - it won’t be wasted.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
I'm at war with a nasty enemy!
"I'd rather be in pain than be nauseous."
That's a statement I've made many times.
Well here's a new one. I'd rather be in pain than itchy! For the last six weeks I've had persistent pain that has had varying degrees of severity. At times early on it was pretty intense. Now it seems to come and go and I mostly feel it when I take deep breaths or bend the wrong way. After tests and more tests we all feel that this pain is a rare side affect from the Therasphere radiation treatment.
I can handle pain for some reason. I've had horses flip upside down on me and kept working. I've been kicked, punched, clobbered and more through many years of sports. I've broken bones, twisted ankles, and torn ligaments. The worst pain I ever experienced by far was pancreatitis due to a reaction from yet another medical test. That's another story though.
Every year during the Spring, Fall, and periodically through the winter the itchiness sets in. I'm not talking about a fleeting itch that a simple scratch can absolve. I'm talking about deep, burning, persistent, nerve-wracking itchiness. Sometimes it's all over. My thighs, belly, arms, legs, scalp and everywhere in between. Lately it's been more concentrated in my lower legs and feet.
This is concerning for two reasons.
One, it could be a symptom from the cancer called pruritis. The bile building up in my body causes me to itch, become jaundiced and more. It could just be the regular battle I do with extreme dry skin exacerbated by all my treatments. Either way, it's impossible to tell and so you always wonder.
Two, it's driving me nuts. I hate being itchy. It keeps me up at nights, wakes me up in the morning, distracts me through out the day, and overall is a constant nemesis. It is a battle I have to fight against a faceless enemy to chicken to show its face. Instead it torments me from afar. The more I scratch and dig the worse it gets. No amount of medicated lotion cures the problem. Don't even get me started on how insecure I am about being a cowboy with softer skin and smoother hands than a Johnson baby soap model!
Kendra asks me all the time if I'm afraid of the potential future effects of this cancer. If I'm in pain now, am I afraid of more intense pain in the future? I'm really not. I have always been able to handle pain, and there are things to help with that.
You know what I'm afraid of? Non-stop, intense, make-you-want-to-burn-your-own-skin-off itchiness. There's two reasons why.
1. I hate being itchy!
2. It makes me so grumpy that I could give Walter Matthau a run for his money! It tends to drive me nuts. I'm edgy, irritable, short, and frustrated. If this is just the beginning, I'm afraid of the test of my character that it will be. Do I have the seasoning to face this foe with the grace and charity that my family deserves? I sure hope so. I know I won't be able to do it out of my own strength.
I've really been thinking through the words "Strong" and "Courageous". This was the theme of the Christian camping conference I just came home from and I can't get it out of my head.
I'm going to expand more in a different post but basically I keep coming back to the thought, strength comes through surrender, courage comes through faith! It doesn't matter what it applies to, facing cancer or wanting to scratch my eyeballs out.
So here I go God.
I surrender my physical comfort to you. Should you in your infinite and perfect wisdom allow or place me into a place of temporary or permanent displeasure I will trust that you are God and that is where I'm supposed to be. God if I really love you and trust you then even though I'm afraid of the future and what it might mean, please give me the faith to obey you with my heart and my spirit. Please give me the grace to face the future no matter what it is in a way that honors and blesses you. I pray that those around me would be encouraged by my heart condition and not provoked, discouraged, or pulled away from you. God transform my character during this process. Teach me to manage my emotions and to not let my physical conditions affect my spiritual and emotional state of being. I pray You would remove this from me, but more than that I pray Your will be done. Thank you for all the blessing I do have. Thank you that twenty months later I'm really only complaining about being itchy. I don't deserve any of it, and yet you are a giver of good gifts. In Your name, Amen.
That's a statement I've made many times.
Well here's a new one. I'd rather be in pain than itchy! For the last six weeks I've had persistent pain that has had varying degrees of severity. At times early on it was pretty intense. Now it seems to come and go and I mostly feel it when I take deep breaths or bend the wrong way. After tests and more tests we all feel that this pain is a rare side affect from the Therasphere radiation treatment.
I can handle pain for some reason. I've had horses flip upside down on me and kept working. I've been kicked, punched, clobbered and more through many years of sports. I've broken bones, twisted ankles, and torn ligaments. The worst pain I ever experienced by far was pancreatitis due to a reaction from yet another medical test. That's another story though.
Every year during the Spring, Fall, and periodically through the winter the itchiness sets in. I'm not talking about a fleeting itch that a simple scratch can absolve. I'm talking about deep, burning, persistent, nerve-wracking itchiness. Sometimes it's all over. My thighs, belly, arms, legs, scalp and everywhere in between. Lately it's been more concentrated in my lower legs and feet.
This is concerning for two reasons.
One, it could be a symptom from the cancer called pruritis. The bile building up in my body causes me to itch, become jaundiced and more. It could just be the regular battle I do with extreme dry skin exacerbated by all my treatments. Either way, it's impossible to tell and so you always wonder.
Two, it's driving me nuts. I hate being itchy. It keeps me up at nights, wakes me up in the morning, distracts me through out the day, and overall is a constant nemesis. It is a battle I have to fight against a faceless enemy to chicken to show its face. Instead it torments me from afar. The more I scratch and dig the worse it gets. No amount of medicated lotion cures the problem. Don't even get me started on how insecure I am about being a cowboy with softer skin and smoother hands than a Johnson baby soap model!
Kendra asks me all the time if I'm afraid of the potential future effects of this cancer. If I'm in pain now, am I afraid of more intense pain in the future? I'm really not. I have always been able to handle pain, and there are things to help with that.
You know what I'm afraid of? Non-stop, intense, make-you-want-to-burn-your-own-skin-off itchiness. There's two reasons why.
1. I hate being itchy!
2. It makes me so grumpy that I could give Walter Matthau a run for his money! It tends to drive me nuts. I'm edgy, irritable, short, and frustrated. If this is just the beginning, I'm afraid of the test of my character that it will be. Do I have the seasoning to face this foe with the grace and charity that my family deserves? I sure hope so. I know I won't be able to do it out of my own strength.
I've really been thinking through the words "Strong" and "Courageous". This was the theme of the Christian camping conference I just came home from and I can't get it out of my head.
I'm going to expand more in a different post but basically I keep coming back to the thought, strength comes through surrender, courage comes through faith! It doesn't matter what it applies to, facing cancer or wanting to scratch my eyeballs out.
So here I go God.
I surrender my physical comfort to you. Should you in your infinite and perfect wisdom allow or place me into a place of temporary or permanent displeasure I will trust that you are God and that is where I'm supposed to be. God if I really love you and trust you then even though I'm afraid of the future and what it might mean, please give me the faith to obey you with my heart and my spirit. Please give me the grace to face the future no matter what it is in a way that honors and blesses you. I pray that those around me would be encouraged by my heart condition and not provoked, discouraged, or pulled away from you. God transform my character during this process. Teach me to manage my emotions and to not let my physical conditions affect my spiritual and emotional state of being. I pray You would remove this from me, but more than that I pray Your will be done. Thank you for all the blessing I do have. Thank you that twenty months later I'm really only complaining about being itchy. I don't deserve any of it, and yet you are a giver of good gifts. In Your name, Amen.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
I'm Ornery
This week has been a great week. I'm not sure why. Even though I've felt up and down physically, I've had a deep sense of joy, peace, and fulfillment for a little over two weeks. I keep walking around just feeling so blessed and overwhelmed by what God has provided for me. Whether I was at a conference in San Diego, or sitting with my family reading books or watching movies, or having a couple really great days at work; I've emotionally and spiritually been in a great place the last couple weeks.
It's been wonderful.
Now I'm ornery! Why? I just found out today that we're going to be getting scans on December 26th. We knew they were coming but hadn't been able to pinpoint the date. Now I know, I'll be driving to a hospital to get scans and go through my least favorite part of this journey... on Christmas Day.
I'm not usually one who gets too hung up on holidays having to be celebrated on a certain day. For some reason this just isn't sitting well with me. I've been having the best time with my family ever lately and I am so excited for a little more quality time over Christmas. The last thing of all time I want to do is drive to Chicago to go to a hospital.
I'm so mad that Colton is going to spend Christmas night in a hotel. This combined with insomnia lately and not feeling too great today physically, have all led to me being a grouch tonight.
Here's the worse part. I'm mad about losing quality time with my family, and my response was to be a grump to my family???!!!!
What's wrong with me?
Can you relate to this one at all? Why is it that we often take out our frustrations on the people we love the most who may have nothing to do with the circumstances?
There's a lot of things I hate about cancer. I hate how it steals things from my life. I hate how it makes me feel violated and robbed. It intrudes into areas that I've tried to protect and keep "normal". I can't hide anything from it. Two summers ago we were blessed to spend a week at an incredible Lodge that friends allowed us to vacation at. Instead of totally relaxing, I was puking my guts out and had my worst cycle yet. Again, all I wanted was family time, instead I got more cancer crap!
Cancer invades like a plague. It looms over every part of your life. Like a dense fog that overtakes everything in its path, sometimes you just can't avoid it.
Sometimes it just plain makes you ornery, and that's okay. To be ornery. Unless you're a stepford wife or a robot, you're going to have emotions. What do you do with them though?
Ephesians 4:26
It's been wonderful.
Now I'm ornery! Why? I just found out today that we're going to be getting scans on December 26th. We knew they were coming but hadn't been able to pinpoint the date. Now I know, I'll be driving to a hospital to get scans and go through my least favorite part of this journey... on Christmas Day.
I'm not usually one who gets too hung up on holidays having to be celebrated on a certain day. For some reason this just isn't sitting well with me. I've been having the best time with my family ever lately and I am so excited for a little more quality time over Christmas. The last thing of all time I want to do is drive to Chicago to go to a hospital.
I'm so mad that Colton is going to spend Christmas night in a hotel. This combined with insomnia lately and not feeling too great today physically, have all led to me being a grouch tonight.
Here's the worse part. I'm mad about losing quality time with my family, and my response was to be a grump to my family???!!!!
What's wrong with me?
Can you relate to this one at all? Why is it that we often take out our frustrations on the people we love the most who may have nothing to do with the circumstances?
There's a lot of things I hate about cancer. I hate how it steals things from my life. I hate how it makes me feel violated and robbed. It intrudes into areas that I've tried to protect and keep "normal". I can't hide anything from it. Two summers ago we were blessed to spend a week at an incredible Lodge that friends allowed us to vacation at. Instead of totally relaxing, I was puking my guts out and had my worst cycle yet. Again, all I wanted was family time, instead I got more cancer crap!
Cancer invades like a plague. It looms over every part of your life. Like a dense fog that overtakes everything in its path, sometimes you just can't avoid it.
Sometimes it just plain makes you ornery, and that's okay. To be ornery. Unless you're a stepford wife or a robot, you're going to have emotions. What do you do with them though?
Ephesians 4:26
26 “In your anger do not sin”...
I crossed the line when I took things out on my family. Emotions are powerful. The same high I've been riding the last couple weeks was just as emotionally driven as the low I experienced today. If we rely solely on our emotions we'll either think too highly of our selves or before too long we'll come crashing down to reality.
It's God's truth that we must cling to so that our emotions don't betray us.
One of my favorite ways to praise God is to remember the names of God. My grandmother taught me this.
ELOHIM......Genesis 1:1, Psalm 19:1 meaning "God", a reference to God's power and might.
ADONAI......Malachi 1:6 meaning "Lord", a reference to the Lordship of God.
JEHOVAH--YAHWEH.....Genesis 2:4 a reference to God's divine salvation.
JEHOVAH-MACCADDESHEM.......Exodus 31:13 meaning "The Lord thy sanctifier"
JEHOVAH-ROHI......Psalm 23:1 meaning "The Lord my shepherd"
JEHOVAH-SHAMMAH.......Ezekiel 48:35 meaning "The Lord who is present"
JEHOVAH-RAPHA.........Exodus 15:26 meaning "The Lord our healer"
JEHOVAH-TSIDKENU......Jeremiah 23:6 meaning "The Lord our righteousness"
JEHOVAH-JIREH.........Genesis 22:13-14 meaning "The Lord will provide"
JEHOVAH-NISSI.........Exodus 17:15 meaning "The Lord our banner"
JEHOVAH-SHALOM........Judges 6:24 meaning "The Lord is peace"
JEHOVAH-SABBAOTH......Isaiah 6:1-3 meaning "The Lord of Hosts"
JEHOVAH-GMOLAH........Jeremiah 51:6 meaning "The God of Recompense"
EL-ELYON..............Genesis 14:17-20,Isaiah 14:13-14 meaning "The most high God
EL-ROI................Genesis 16:13 meaning "The strong one who sees"
EL-SHADDAI............Genesis 17:1,Psalm 91:1 meaning "The God of the mountains or God Almighty"
EL-OLAM...............Isaiah 40:28-31 meaning "The everlasting God"
(taken from http://www.smilegodlovesyou.org/names.html)
Regardless of how I feel, when I remind myself of who the God I serve is, my faith is encouraged.
Regardless of where I will spend my evening Christmas night, or what tests, stress, and anxiety await me the next day, my God is still; the God of the mountains, the Lord my shepherd, and the everlasting God!
I crossed the line when I took things out on my family. Emotions are powerful. The same high I've been riding the last couple weeks was just as emotionally driven as the low I experienced today. If we rely solely on our emotions we'll either think too highly of our selves or before too long we'll come crashing down to reality.
It's God's truth that we must cling to so that our emotions don't betray us.
One of my favorite ways to praise God is to remember the names of God. My grandmother taught me this.
ELOHIM......Genesis 1:1, Psalm 19:1 meaning "God", a reference to God's power and might.
ADONAI......Malachi 1:6 meaning "Lord", a reference to the Lordship of God.
JEHOVAH--YAHWEH.....Genesis 2:4 a reference to God's divine salvation.
JEHOVAH-MACCADDESHEM.......Exodus 31:13 meaning "The Lord thy sanctifier"
JEHOVAH-ROHI......Psalm 23:1 meaning "The Lord my shepherd"
JEHOVAH-SHAMMAH.......Ezekiel 48:35 meaning "The Lord who is present"
JEHOVAH-RAPHA.........Exodus 15:26 meaning "The Lord our healer"
JEHOVAH-TSIDKENU......Jeremiah 23:6 meaning "The Lord our righteousness"
JEHOVAH-JIREH.........Genesis 22:13-14 meaning "The Lord will provide"
JEHOVAH-NISSI.........Exodus 17:15 meaning "The Lord our banner"
JEHOVAH-SHALOM........Judges 6:24 meaning "The Lord is peace"
JEHOVAH-SABBAOTH......Isaiah 6:1-3 meaning "The Lord of Hosts"
JEHOVAH-GMOLAH........Jeremiah 51:6 meaning "The God of Recompense"
EL-ELYON..............Genesis 14:17-20,Isaiah 14:13-14 meaning "The most high God
EL-ROI................Genesis 16:13 meaning "The strong one who sees"
EL-SHADDAI............Genesis 17:1,Psalm 91:1 meaning "The God of the mountains or God Almighty"
EL-OLAM...............Isaiah 40:28-31 meaning "The everlasting God"
(taken from http://www.smilegodlovesyou.org/names.html)
Regardless of how I feel, when I remind myself of who the God I serve is, my faith is encouraged.
Regardless of where I will spend my evening Christmas night, or what tests, stress, and anxiety await me the next day, my God is still; the God of the mountains, the Lord my shepherd, and the everlasting God!
Friday, December 7, 2012
The question I hate the most.
I'm so frustrated of being asked that question. Everywhere I go everywhere I turn around I get asked, "so how are you doing?". As soon as the words start coming out my anxiety rises and I start getting irritated.
Here's the catch though, it's not the people or the question that bothers me. I actually really feel cared for when people ask how I'm doing. Many people apologize before they ask and there is really no need. I don't mind you asking.
I'm also very comfortable talking about myself and my condition. I don't have a problem discussing my medical experiences, treatments, and options.
So what drives me nuts?
The answer, I can't answer this question. It's getting steadily harder and harder to try and share how Kendra and I are doing. Physically is a simple answer. It's emotionally and personally that is almost impossible to describe. So I get frustrated not at you or the question, but at me and the answer.
Here's why it's so hard. The answer is complete opposites most of the time. I'm doing great and terrible all at once. I'm healing and I'm dying all at once. We feel an indescribable sense of peace and God's grace and also cry into each others arms during moments of fear and terror.
For example, Kendra and I may drive down the road and see a house or a condominium and start having a very casual conversation about whether she would want to live in a condominium if I die. Five minutes later we might be talking about where to take our grandchildren on vacation.
I can go from feeling closer and more intimately connected with Kendra to irrational emotional outbursts and a hard heart from day to day.
The longer this battle wanes on the better and worse we are doing. The pressure is still very real, and for Kendra the grind of living life, working full time, being a mom, a caregiver and more are overwhelming at times. For me due to the side effects I continue to feel further removed from the person I always used to be.
So how do I answer the question? To answer "great" or "terrible" would only be giving half the answer. I can't figure out how to describe this duality of emotions though. So I'll probably continue telling folks that I'm doing well but it is a daily battle.
So please don't stop asking me (or others in my situation) how I'm doing. I appreciate your concern.
But know that sometimes, it's the most difficult question of all.
And if the answer may not make sense to you, perhaps you'll know why.
Here's the catch though, it's not the people or the question that bothers me. I actually really feel cared for when people ask how I'm doing. Many people apologize before they ask and there is really no need. I don't mind you asking.
I'm also very comfortable talking about myself and my condition. I don't have a problem discussing my medical experiences, treatments, and options.
So what drives me nuts?
The answer, I can't answer this question. It's getting steadily harder and harder to try and share how Kendra and I are doing. Physically is a simple answer. It's emotionally and personally that is almost impossible to describe. So I get frustrated not at you or the question, but at me and the answer.
Here's why it's so hard. The answer is complete opposites most of the time. I'm doing great and terrible all at once. I'm healing and I'm dying all at once. We feel an indescribable sense of peace and God's grace and also cry into each others arms during moments of fear and terror.
For example, Kendra and I may drive down the road and see a house or a condominium and start having a very casual conversation about whether she would want to live in a condominium if I die. Five minutes later we might be talking about where to take our grandchildren on vacation.
I can go from feeling closer and more intimately connected with Kendra to irrational emotional outbursts and a hard heart from day to day.
The longer this battle wanes on the better and worse we are doing. The pressure is still very real, and for Kendra the grind of living life, working full time, being a mom, a caregiver and more are overwhelming at times. For me due to the side effects I continue to feel further removed from the person I always used to be.
So how do I answer the question? To answer "great" or "terrible" would only be giving half the answer. I can't figure out how to describe this duality of emotions though. So I'll probably continue telling folks that I'm doing well but it is a daily battle.
So please don't stop asking me (or others in my situation) how I'm doing. I appreciate your concern.
But know that sometimes, it's the most difficult question of all.
And if the answer may not make sense to you, perhaps you'll know why.
Monday, November 26, 2012
And it's time for some good news
Aaaaaand round four of this whole ordeal.
I woke up this morning feeling really well. The jaundice was much reduced from yesterday and the pain was a lot less as well. As I write this tonight the pain is almost completely gone. I had lots of energy and drive today and was able to work all day at work. It was actually one of my more productive days in a while.
I've been waiting all day to hear back from my regular oncologist. They have been waiting to receive my records from the local ER from the weekend. Once I heard that I used my motivational skills to get this process rolling. Once my regular nurse finally talked to my oncologist he was not concerned considering how well I was doing and all the information from the weekend. So we are going to go back to normal and unless something dramatic happens we will assume this was all a complication from the procedure and nothing more serious. I will have more blood work on Friday to make sure things are headed in the right direction.
You can imagine this is quite a relief for Kendra and I. It has been an exhausting weekend and we're both very thankful for the outcome. I am confident this is in no small part to the overwhelming amount of prayer and intensity of those prayers that many of you were sending our way.
Cancer has many ups and downs and it's hard not to over react or under react. We learn to take things a day at a time and not much further. The unknown brings much anxiety but the wonderful part is what I do know.
I know God is in control, and He loves me. I know His plan is perfect. I know there is peace in the storm if I surrender my fears, wants, ambitions, and worries to Him.
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