I had to go back on a calendar and count from April to see how many cycles we have done...we literally lost count. We are starting cycle 10 today. Please pray that this is very effective treatment, and that Ryan will feel pretty well afterwards.
I would be a liar if I told you that my spirits are great heading into it. I have been eyeing this date on the calendar for the last few weeks, dreading the day when our little shred of normalcy would come to an end. I am ticked off that cancer hasn't ended yet. I am cool with it so long as there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but there is not a cure in the foreseeable future and that just sucks. Yes, I know that I should be thankful instead of complaining, but wouldn't you rather that I not placate you with fake happiness? All the time the last two weeks I feel like our current state of life, with our hands tied by this cursed cancer, has been exacerbated by various circumstances. I'm not depressed, but I'm very sad. Just sad. And I hurt. Sigh. Okay. You have my express permission to stop reading this depressing manifesto. I know what's truth, but I'm just not feeling it in my heart at the present moment. Do you ever feel like there is a disconnect between your head and your heart?
So I'm going to end this with a call for encouragement from you, dear reader. I need fresh scripture, fresh promises. I am willing to stay in this fight but sometimes I need someone to prop me up. Can you do that?
We love you all and continue to covet your prayers for healing that only a mighty God can provide. Your importance to us cannot be minimized!
Showing posts with label negativity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label negativity. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Cycle 10
Sunday, June 5, 2011
A crybaby, a blind man, and a sick little boy.
This weekend has had its good moments, but at some points, it's just plain stunk.
I have been dwelling in Negative Nancy Land for most of Sunday afternoon. A major crybaby. It all started with a sick boy. Not Ryan, but Colton. He threw up when I was leaving my nephew's baseball game yesterday in Lowell, and has thrown up several other times along with some pretty nasty diarrhea. So today, I was starting to get concerned because he wasn't keeping anything down. Off to the ER we went to ensure that he was okay, and that he was hydrated enough. Not surprisingly, he wasn't, so my 13-month-old little had to be hooked up to his first IV and receive fluids.
So I started to think as I was sitting in Room 5 of the emergency room at Lakeshore Hospital... God, why me? WHY on earth does it seem like it's one thing after another? I see plenty of other people around us who are sailing through life with seemingly no problems right now. I have a husband with inoperable cancer, I have no job next year, and now my little boy is sick. Why do you choose to continue to challenge us like this? I'm getting sick of it! I don't want to watch my husband get hooked up to an IV machine and see another one of those "BIOHAZARD" bags brought to him. I don't want to see my toddler throw up everywhere. I don't want to have him at the hospital. I don't want this. I DON'T WANT THIS!
John 9:1-3: 1 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”
Right now, I feel like Ryan and I are experiencing a little bit of what the blind man experienced. I don't like that we are that family, the one who God is using to display whatever works He chooses to display through this (still hoping that he's choosing to show his awesome, miraculous healing power). But how cool is it that He is using us in the midst of this situation. I'm floored when someone says, "Your blog post impacted me." Or, "I've shared the link with someone else that has cancer and it has encouraged them." I feel blessed by the way that the Lord has used our cancer journey for so much good. If it weren't for that, this cancer would be totally unbearable.
I wish like anything that this cancer hadn't happened to my husband, but if there was ever a person to whom God could give a trial and get praise back tenfold, it would be Ryan. The works of God are on full display in his life. And it becomes more and more evident each day that God allowed this to happen to have us rely on Him more fully, and to glorify Him. Praise the Lord for those opportunities!
I have been dwelling in Negative Nancy Land for most of Sunday afternoon. A major crybaby. It all started with a sick boy. Not Ryan, but Colton. He threw up when I was leaving my nephew's baseball game yesterday in Lowell, and has thrown up several other times along with some pretty nasty diarrhea. So today, I was starting to get concerned because he wasn't keeping anything down. Off to the ER we went to ensure that he was okay, and that he was hydrated enough. Not surprisingly, he wasn't, so my 13-month-old little had to be hooked up to his first IV and receive fluids.
So I started to think as I was sitting in Room 5 of the emergency room at Lakeshore Hospital... God, why me? WHY on earth does it seem like it's one thing after another? I see plenty of other people around us who are sailing through life with seemingly no problems right now. I have a husband with inoperable cancer, I have no job next year, and now my little boy is sick. Why do you choose to continue to challenge us like this? I'm getting sick of it! I don't want to watch my husband get hooked up to an IV machine and see another one of those "BIOHAZARD" bags brought to him. I don't want to see my toddler throw up everywhere. I don't want to have him at the hospital. I don't want this. I DON'T WANT THIS!
John 9:1-3: 1 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”
Right now, I feel like Ryan and I are experiencing a little bit of what the blind man experienced. I don't like that we are that family, the one who God is using to display whatever works He chooses to display through this (still hoping that he's choosing to show his awesome, miraculous healing power). But how cool is it that He is using us in the midst of this situation. I'm floored when someone says, "Your blog post impacted me." Or, "I've shared the link with someone else that has cancer and it has encouraged them." I feel blessed by the way that the Lord has used our cancer journey for so much good. If it weren't for that, this cancer would be totally unbearable.
I wish like anything that this cancer hadn't happened to my husband, but if there was ever a person to whom God could give a trial and get praise back tenfold, it would be Ryan. The works of God are on full display in his life. And it becomes more and more evident each day that God allowed this to happen to have us rely on Him more fully, and to glorify Him. Praise the Lord for those opportunities!
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