Full disclosure: I am really, really struggling with fear right now.
Yes, I know Joshua 1:9 tells me to not be afraid. I've been commanded. I know that my God is a strong tower in a storm. I know that the He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. But with very important scans staring us in the face and my husband mysteriously has dropped weight recently, I am almost at full-scale panic attack.
My meltdown this afternoon came about very strangely. I had a lot of time to kill between parent-teacher conferences, so I decided to go wander around and enjoy the beautiful warm air, so unlike a late October day here in The Mitten. I walked into a Hallmark store and began to browse around. I picked out a couple of Christmas ornaments for friends with new babies, and I was scanning the aisles for other treasures. Suddenly I came upon a rack of recordable books, the tagline "Recordable Books - for when you're not there to read it yourself". All of a sudden, I had this "flash-forward" (kind of the opposite of a flashback), envisioning my son listening to one of those books at seven years old with his father's voice coming out of the book. Because his dad isn't there. Because his dad had died of cancer.
I froze. Dropped the ornaments right there next to the books and hightailed it out of the store.
My mind a jumble and my nerves shot, I decided that Home Depot would be a nice, big place to get anonymous and lose myself in admiring appliances. But I could not shake that image of my son listening to his dad's voice through a recorder. I actually began to cry (in public) while standing in front of carpet samples. I was horrified and I'm pretty sure that the Home Depot employees were, too.
I trust in you, Lord. I know that no matter the outcome of these scans this week, that your will should be done. And it will be. But I'm so darn scared. I'm so darn scared of that image of my precious son, fatherless. I beg of you, God, please heal my husband.