Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Panic at the Home Depot

Full disclosure: I am really, really struggling with fear right now.

Yes, I know Joshua 1:9 tells me to not be afraid.  I've been commanded.  I know that my God is a strong tower in a storm.  I know that the He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.  But with very important scans staring us in the face and my husband mysteriously has dropped weight recently, I am almost at full-scale panic attack.

My meltdown this afternoon came about very strangely.  I had a lot of time to kill between parent-teacher conferences, so I decided to go wander around and enjoy the beautiful warm air, so unlike a late October day here in The Mitten.  I walked into a Hallmark store and began to browse around.  I picked out a couple of Christmas ornaments for friends with new babies, and I was scanning the aisles for other treasures.  Suddenly I came upon a rack of recordable books, the tagline "Recordable Books - for when you're not there to read it yourself".  All of a sudden, I had this "flash-forward" (kind of the opposite of a flashback), envisioning my son listening to one of those books at seven years old with his father's voice coming out of the book.  Because his dad isn't there.  Because his dad had died of cancer.

I froze.  Dropped the ornaments right there next to the books and hightailed it out of the store.

My mind a jumble and my nerves shot, I decided that Home Depot would be a nice, big place to get anonymous and lose myself in admiring appliances.  But I could not shake that image of my son listening to his dad's voice through a recorder.  I actually began to cry (in public) while standing in front of carpet samples.  I was horrified and I'm pretty sure that the Home Depot employees were, too.

I trust in you, Lord.  I know that no matter the outcome of these scans this week, that your will should be done.  And it will be.  But I'm so darn scared.  I'm so darn scared of that image of my precious son, fatherless.  I beg of you, God, please heal my husband.


Shelli Huizenga said...

Kendra, I have been in your shoes. At least as much as one can. I have been in your place, picking out gifts for holidays or special cards. Watching other parents with their kids and wondering how long will we get to do that as a complete family. I have shared your deepest fears and they have shook me to my very core. They did not shatter my faith in His power, strength, love and concern for me. Those fears did not cause me to doubt his sovereignty over mine and my husbands life. And you also share the same faith. It is okay to be afraid, there is no way around it under your circumstances. It is normal, and probably healthy. I am in awe of your sheer honesty and willingness to put it all our here for us to read. It gives us more specific things to pray for. We are praying you through this. We are asking God the Father to bring peace to your heart, mind and soul. A peace only He can provide. Thank you for barring your soul to us. Prayer warriors are reading this and dropping to their knees in prayer. Much love to you!


Falon Hansen said...

Much love and many prayers coming your way!!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Kendra....I am begging God too through a flood of tears as I read this.

Anonymous said...

Just know Kendra, God hears your prayers! He is right at your side and He will never leave you, nor forsake you. the Lord will be your strength and your rock. May God's healing presence touch Ryan's body in Jesus mighty name!

Thandi said...

((hugs)) Holding on for positive news...Praying that even at age 47 your son will still have his dad.

Ryan said...

Thank you for loving Kendra and holding her up. It means so much to me.