Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all of our friends and family.  Colton and I are grateful that we are so loved, so prayed for, and so supported through this first Christmas without our dear Ryan.  I have had so many Facebook messages, texts, and cards this year - it never ceases to amaze me how the body of Christ pulls through for us when we need it most!

I am so thankful that the same savior that has given me the grace to persevere through the most difficult year of my life, chose to take on human form and was born 2000 years ago with the loving intention of dying for my sin.  I am also grateful that my husband intimately knew that same savior and as I type this, is celebrating Christ's birth, work, and resurrection in Heaven.  No more pain, no more cancer.  Thank you, Jesus, for the hope and healing that we have in you.

And though our hearts ache for what we lost...

...we continue to focus on what the Lord has graciously given us: each other, a loving circle of family and friends, and His own precious Son.

Photo credit: Christine K Photography, Grandville, Michigan

Merry Christmas from the Prudhomme family!  May the peace of Christ remain in your heart as we begin a new year.

Victor, not victim.

Poor Kendra.  Poor Colton.  Poor Ryan.

I have no doubt that those words have crossed many people's minds, and probably many people's lips.  And certainly that is understandable.  Probably most of you that are reading this have been walking this road with me for the better part of two years: the first days when Ryan was first diagnosed, to when we got our first set of great scans, then when we had to try radiation since chemo wasn't working well, then when we got amazing news last summer, to when things started to turn downward, really downward, and then when the bottom truly fell out of our lives.  And then...you know how that chapter of the story ended.

Even now, as I spent some time this week reading over our past blog entries, I can have a tendency to feel really sorry for myself.

I'm 28.  And widowed.

I have a young son who has no siblings and no other immediate family other than me.

My friends are buying minivans for their burgeoning families. I am buying a gravestone for my husband's burial plot.

And yet, this "woe is me" attitude is simply not a place that I can stay for long.

Because... do you know what I'm about?  Do you know whom I serve?  The God that I know and the One that knows me is a God of victory.


Hope

For me to break out of "victim mentality", it requires a refocusing of my mind from temporal to eternal: from things of finite importance, to things of eternal value.

I want to post some scripture from Romans 8 with my own emphases added.  I would love to post the whole chapter, but it is really long.  Please do read Romans 8 in its entirety (click here); it's phenomenal.

18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. ... 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

... 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 

...31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ...

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.


Wow.  So powerful.  I almost feel like verse 39 should end with an obscene amount of exclamation points. :)  "NOTHING is able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

What is it that makes me a victor?  It is the hope that I have in the resurrection of Christ, nothing else.  It wasn't my marriage, it's not my job, it's not my precious son (although I love him a thousand times more than I love my own life), and it's not my possessions.  Lest I think that it's any of those things, I am reminded in the very first verse that I posted above - what we have here on earth, whether it is blessing or suffering, comfort or discomfort - it's not worth talking about.  It is not worth comparing to the GLORY that will be revealed in us.  Can you imagine what heaven must be like, if everything that we think is so important here on earth, is completely miniscule and trivial compared to that?  Wow.  Now that is some hope.  That is some victory that awaits us.

Maybe you have gone through some trials in your life too.  I know for a fact that some people that are reading this right now are in deep pain.  (I am actually envisioning a friend reading this very sentence, who has suffered unimaginable loss in her own life only three short weeks ago.  Praying so much for you.)  Or maybe it's divorce, job loss, or the pain of loneliness.  My dear friends, hang on.  "...in all things God works for the good of those who love him".  It doesn't make sense now.  It doesn't.  I want Ryan back with every cell in my body, but I have to somehow trust - you do too - that this season in our lives is meant to purify, strengthen, and solidify our faith.  Please, let's not fall victim to Satan's desire - that suffering would lead to doubt, and doubt to contempt, and contempt to hatred.


Victim Mentality

The Bible is chock full of lessons about victim mentality, although I'm pretty sure that the term was only invented in the 20th century.  Remember the Israelites wandering in the desert?  As Moses and Aaron prepared them and talked to them about moving into Canaan, the Israelites freaked out about the "what ifs".  Instead of preparing mentally for the battle that lay ahead, they spun their proverbial wheels about what could possibly happen, completely disregarding the Lord's promises and His proven faithfulness.  Heck, they even mention in Numbers 14 that they would rather have died in Egypt or the wilderness than to be where they were, on the brink of entering the promised land. 

I will lay it all bare here for you: I have had some days recently when I've felt like an Israelite.  I wouldn't say that I've exactly doubted God or His plans, but we've had words.  Sometimes those words have gotten intense on my part.  I have, for a few moments, felt like a victim.  Why is all of this happening to me and Colton and not to someone else?

However, it's flipping that switch in my mind from dwelling upon my circumstances, to setting my mind upon the One who cares so deeply about our hurt, and is cradling our broken hearts.  He alone will raise me/us to victory.  If God is for us, then who could be against us?  What circumstances are too big or too complicated or too hurtful for Him to handle?  Those of us who are in Christ Jesus are not victims, because of the hope we have in Him, and the comfort we have through the Holy Spirit.


More than conquerors

When I think of a conqueror, I think of someone wearing battle gear.  As most of you know, I'm not really into battle gear, camo, or weapons.  I'm more into great shoes and trendy sweaters.  However, I am a conqueror because of this amazing hope I've been given.  Are you a conqueror?  Are you headed for victory?

At the end of the passage, Paul talks about the many things that could potentially get in the way of our victory: death, demons, the present, the future, etc.  However, because of the army we have behind us, none of these things matter - none of them can separate us from the love of our Lord. 

Unless we allow them to.

What is your mentality, friends?  Are you feeling browbeat and defeated, like a victim?  Or do you hear that battle cry, the steady drum of the Victor, the Conquering Hero who has defeated sin and offers us a future that is not worth comparing to our present circumstances?

I know that for myself, I choose victory.  Choosing the victor mentality over a victim mentality requires work, and it requires me to daily put on my armor.  But I refuse to be "Poor Kendra".  I have been shown too much mercy, and showered with too many blessings to be "Poor Kendra".  I have been rescued, redeemed, and refined by His grace and His love.

I am a victor.

My promise to my dying husband

Your smile.

Anytime I think of you, the first thing I see in my mind’s eye is your megawatt smile. Your friendliness, your openness, and your sense of humor, all amplified and highlighted by your toothy, crooked grin.

That grin caught my eye over a decade ago, and ultimately captured my heart. From the first days of our relationship when we were just a couple of love-struck high school students, to the moment you saw me walking down the aisle, to the moment I saw you first lay eyes on your son, to the moment now when I enter your hospital room—your smile melts my heart, Ryan. You still dazzle me.

Life with you has been easy because it has been clear from the start that God uniquely wired us to be together. You challenge me, you sharpen me, you inspire me, and you make me a better person. Your unwavering commitment to the Lord makes my own relationship with Him much richer and more intentional because I have you to look to as an example of what it means to live a life sold out for Christ. Even through the last two years, as we have walked the road of your terminal cancer diagnosis together, life has remained colorful and sweet because our God is gracious to me, and you are one of the three biggest gifts I've received from Him. Salvation and our son are the other two.

On May 13, 2006, I saw your huge smile as I made my way down a short aisle to marry you. And on that day, you and I made a lot of promises to each other. "...from this day forward, I will devote myself to you and our family, second only to God / I commit to loving you, as much during difficult times as well as times of happiness / in victories as well as defeats / All these things I promise to you." 

When I look back, so much has happened in almost seven years and I have realized that it’s time to restate exactly what I promise to you. Life has happened. And as we stare down this monster with hands clasped together and the Lord firmly entrenched behind us, I want to leave no doubt that you know these things.

Ryan Scott Prudhomme, I promise to you that I will cherish your memory as long as I live. Your character, your integrity, your heart for the Lord, and your unshakable faith in Him are all reasons that I, along with many others, will continue to regard you as a most extraordinary person. I admire you more than you could imagine.

Ryan, I promise to you that your son will know you as he grows. Any creative way that I can devise to ensure that he grows up feeling close to you—I plan to do it. Any person that can tell him about your jokes, your idiosyncrasies, your personality traits—I will ensure those people have an avenue to tell your son about his beloved daddy. Regardless of whether you get to parent him for two or twenty or seventy years, I pledge to you my commitment to raise him to know his dad.

I promise to you I will not despair, I will not be broken, and I will somehow, someday, some way again feel joy and peace. During the last two years, I know your first thoughts are usually of me—not of yourself—and you have been far more worried about me and Colton. Your love for me has never been more evident and has helped gird me through some very difficult times. I could never have done this without your faithful prayer and your encouragement, but I’m entering into a new phase where I won’t have the luxury of your nearness. Despite that, I know deep down that I am a person that can shoulder anything, as long as the Lord stands behind me. And He will. I will, with His grace, stand tall and will endure whatever tomorrow brings.  Don't you worry.

My last promise, Ryan, is not a new one—and it’s not a promise to you. It’s a promise to my Lord and Savior. I promise that my trust in the Lord will not be broken, bent, tarnished, punctured, pushed, nor shaken. I have no idea what He is orchestrating. I may not ever know until I am able to question Him in person someday. But I know the character of the One who alone knows the number of our days, He who knew you from the time before you were born and still, to this day, holds you and I in a tight, secure grip. His goodness and his mercy have been the constancy that we have so sorely needed during the last two rollercoaster years.

My darling, I love you more than I could ever have guessed that I would have loved you when you first flashed that unforgettable smile at me in the crowded hallway of our small high school. You are more than just my husband: you’re my best friend, my closest confidant, my sparring partner, my teacher, and my hero. When I close my eyes and think of you, I will always remember the sweet happiness of being perfectly matched to a person that pushed me to be a greater version of my own self.

And I’ll never forget the beautiful smile on your face.

Which always will bring one to my own.

-Kendra

I wrote this letter to Ryan while he was hospitalized at CTCA in March.  After he read it, he strongly encouraged me to release it on our blog when I felt that it was the appropriate time.  We both pray that it is effective in bringing encouragement to those that read this blog.

Photo Credit: Yeoman Photography, Big Rapids, MI

What to blog about?

Lately this blog has been pretty quiet, except for of course when our rancorous friend named Lee hijacked the blog the other day.  Isn't she fun?

The truth is, life has felt pretty normal the last few weeks.  I had an emotional explosion two weeks ago and felt very strongly like the Lord was calling me to surrender this situation (again) to him.  In the wake of that, my stress level has decreased, while my peace with the world has greatly increased.  Ryan has been feeling just about normal.  Colton has been great except for some possible food allergy issues that we've been working on lately (did you know that gluten is in EVERYTHING?!).  So all in all, any blogs that we have to write at the moment might be yawn-inducing.  Consider yourself warned.

So I wanted to blog about something that would encourage the many people that are writing this blog.  I know that many of you have been worried about Ryan and praying like crazy for a miracle.  Don't stop.  But now more than ever, we are starting to find more hope medically.  You see, we have been closely watching the cases of a few people across the nation who have been fighting stage IV cholangiocarcinoma and are either winning the battle, or they have essentially won the war.  If you would have told me this in April, I would not have believed you because I was still puking from the fear that camped out in my stomach after reading about Ryan's cancer on the Internet.  Cancer research is at a frenzied pace.  Our doctor told us at our last visit that Ryan has to make it a goal to stick around for a few years because at this rate, something new is bound to come down the pipe.  So as you are remembering us in prayer, please pray for the many cancer researchers around the nation, that the Lord would use them in a mighty way and give them the knowledge to bust something loose in the treatment and cure of cancer.

At the end of the day, we have some hope medically, but we have utmost hope and faith in our Lord, because He is good and faithful - and he loves us endlessly.

And don't forget about AUGUST 10TH!  That is the big day for scans!

Choose your attitude

Wow, what a couple of weeks it has been. I have not gone longer than 12-20 hours with out getting sick, and I have battled constant nausea, diarrhea, and fatigue. We were given an entire week to vacation at a beautiful lodge and I wasn't able to enjoy much of it. I've been in and out of the hospital twice. I've lost quite a bit of weight among other things.

It has been a difficult time. I'm hopeful that I'm starting to come out of it. All the doctors seem to agree this is just part of the chemo and nothing more serious. Thankfully my blood work, and counts, and hydration were all healthy at the hospital.

In the midst of all this I have had to make a choice. Will I choose to focus on my circumstances and all the things that seem to be going wrong, or will I choose my attitude and stay positive? A long time ago I somewhat learned how to choose my attitude and stay positive and focused in the midst of difficulty.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I got moved up to the varsity basketball team. This was something I had worked hard to achieve for many years. I was excited and anxious for our team to do well. That was short-lived. We went 0-21 that season. In the course of that kind of losing streak you will encounter every possible way to lose, distraction, and difficulty. I had to battle upperclassmen for my starting position, had a difficult coach, we lost team chemistry, had bad refs on some nights, and everything else you can imagine went wrong that season. 

Every practice and every game night I showed up ready to work hard and expecting to compete if not win. I knew we were not a good team, but I chose to believe that on any given night we could come out of this slump and turn it around. I had to choose to be positive and kind with my teammates. I had to choose to run my sprints just as hard as I had in pre-season. The only thing I could control that season was my attitude and how hard I worked.

With cancer the only thing I can control is my attitude. I can't control if the chemo is working. I can't control my side effects. I can't control much, but what I can control is so important.

One of my favorite Bible passages for dealing with adversity is Romans 5:3-5

³ Not only so, but we^[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Another way of saying it is, "rejoice in your suffering". Wow God? Really? Rejoice. That's the last emotion I have right now. Fortunately God isn't calling me to feel like rejoicing, because I don't. He's calling me to rejoice. Which requires a decision, a choice in the face of difficulty. The promises are rich however, as suffering leads to perseverance, then character, and finally hope in Jesus Christ through His Holy Spirit. 

Just how to we make this decision? 

2 Peter 1:3 His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

God promises us that if we know Him, He will give us everything we need. Everything, including the ability to remain joyful in the face of difficulty. It is not through my own strength or depth of character that I stay positive. It is through the power that God grants me through my knowledge of Him.

So whatever you're facing today, remember that you don't have to face it by yourself. When everything feels like it is out of control, there is a lot that you can control. 

Those who trust in the Lord...

For the last five years I knew it was a possibility I could get cancer. It was so unlikely though. I thought maybe I'd have to have a liver transplant in about 20 years, but I think in my mind I was planning on God protecting my body from ever having serious complications.

When we heard about the cancer it was so scary. There were so many unknowns. Then around every corner there seemed to be two options, one devastating and one hopeful. Is it cancer or not? Is it this kind of cancer or that kind? Is there this treatment option or not? Every time the answers came back different than what we prayed for. As we went to Mayo hoping and expecting to get options for treatment, we were devastated when they did not give us much hope medically.

When we arrived at CTCA I told people I'm pessimistically hopeful for more options. Why would they have a different answer than Mayo? Yet when we spoke with them, it was as if we were given new life when the doctor said that there were still options and reason for hope medically.

So there I was. Throughout this entire process I have prayed that God would heal me medically or miraculously. However our hope ebbed and flowed as we got different medical news. After a bomb from a doctor, Kendra and I would feel like we were gut punched; hope was escaping us. Then as we fixed our eyes on Christ that hope would come back... until we spoke to another doctor or got a test result back.

All along I've said I don't put my hope in medicine, but I don't deny that God might use it. This whole experience is a process. Hope and faith and grace are a process. That's why were called to work out our faith with fear and trembling, Phil 2:12. I almost felt guilty as I was relieved and hopeful for my healing after speaking to the doctors here at CTCA. Why did medical options raise my spirits? I had had found peace again after the news from Mayo, but I'll admit I thought the only way I was going to be healed was solely in God doing a miracle. When I got news that medically I may have options I felt like a new man. I wondered if I was putting my hope in chariots and horses of modern medicine instead of the name of the Lord as in Psalm 20:7.

Is it wrong to find hope and encouragement in medicine and in man during this time? If so, why have we been praying that God would open options for us both medically or miraculously? You see this is an answer to prayer, to have options. And yet, my hope is still in Jesus Christ. My greatest sense of peace is that I know God is able to save me. Whether He chooses to or not, my hope is not dependent on a cure, but on His promise.

So as I reflect on the last three weeks, it wasn't my hope that ebbed and flowed, but my faith. Do I trust that God is in control no matter the circumstance? Today I do. I have cried out as the father in Mark 9:24 cries, "Lord help my unbelief" so many times in the last three weeks. He is there to answer when I call. I would say my faith is greater than it has ever been, and yet I've also felt like Peter and Thomas at moments denying and doubting.

So where is Hope born out of? Faith. Where is faith born out of? Trust. Which leads me back to one of my favorite passages.

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
8 This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.

Hope, it's a beautiful thing.

Today we had lots of appointments with nurses, oncologists, lab technicians, etc... it was a busy day. We met a lot of people who were incredibly nice - this place just amazes me with how helpful and positive everyone is, from the food preparation workers all the way to the doctors and nurses and front desk workers at the hotel. The patient is clearly the focus here at this institution... anyway, I digress. I'm sure that you're wondering why I titled this with the word "hope" in it. Let me tell you why!

The oncologist that we met with today, Dr. Mellihor (can't guarantee that is spelled correctly), was very upfront with us about what we're facing. He confirmed that yes, this case of cholangiocarcinoma IS inoperable. But, he encouraged us to not start planning a funeral yet. Every case is different, and he didn't want us to think that we were just going to be another statistic. He is planning to take a much more aggressive approach than our Mayo oncologist. The Mayo oncologist basically told us to do a conservative approach to chemotherapy (so as to extend life, not really to fight the cancer). The CTCA oncologist's exact words were "Let's go after this". I wanted to pump my fist in the air and shout out "Darn right, let's get after this right now!" It's so encouraging to have someone that is willing to give us a shot!

Dr. Mellihor said that if chemotherapy will shrink Ryan's tumors, then we might be able to do an operation in the future to remove any remaining cancer. Radiation might be useful at some point to "kick start" the shrinking of any stubborn tumors. Transplantation wasn't even discussed... that would be far in the future, I imagine.

So the next few days are going to be full of more tests and appointments... a more extensive CT scan, meetings with nutritionists, GI doctors, even a possible ... sigh ... colonoscopy (small chance there might be some intestinal involvement). We will meet with our team of doctors next week (probably Tuesday) and get the full picture and put together a treatment plan. Ryan will most likely even get his first round of chemotherapy Tuesday or Wednesday. This will likely knock him on his butt, to say the least. But he is definitely the toughest person I've ever met - I'm confident he will handle it well.

While this is a wonderful piece of news, we won't start saying "Phew, we're free and clear." We have a long road ahead of us, and odds are still against us. Chemotherapy has about a 30-40% success rate of shrinking tumors. But on the other hand, we continue to place our hope in the healing hand of our Lord, not in modern medicine. If it is God's will that Ryan is healed, then He will make that happen in one touch of his hand. One touch of the cloak heals us; chemotherapy is only a tool.

So here is an updated prayer list: please pray for a miracle, peace, grace, answers, open doors to share with people why we have so much hope, and for Ryan's body to respond to treatment. We continue to be appreciative of you thinking of us, praying for us, and all of the cards, gifts, spa treatments!, and kindness that have been poured out on us. We are so amazed and humbled. We love you guys.