A nice little Sunday

What a roller coaster this weekend has been!

Late last night I spiked a fever and pretty much felt like garbage all over. The fever must have broke in the middle of the night because I was up almost every hour dealing with night sweats. I was able to sleep in a little this morning and am generally feeling really well right now. The fever is gone, the pain is less and there aren't any other side effects right now. 

Right now I'm watching Kendra and Colton make Christmas ornaments, I'm listening to the MSU basketball game on the radio, and we're going to go get our Christmas tree this afternoon with my father in law's help. 

This journey is such an up and down battle and in the middle of a "battle" it can be easy to lose sight of the "war". We constantly remind ourselves that God is always in control. A friend of mine commented on one of our status updates and said, "Stay strong and know you are safe in God's hands today and every day."

Isn't that the truth? We're always safe in God's hands, and I know that's where I am. We aren't always guaranteed to be comfortable, but I do know he'll protect me and watch out for me. Even though I know this promise it was good to be reminded during our little episode. 

So every time I feel a pain in my side as I breath I'm going to take that opportunity to thank God for all that I have and the opportunities he's placed in front of me. I know I'm safe, so the next step is to be obedient. 

It's easy to worry and get lost in anxiety but that's me telling God I don't believe in His safety or I don't want it because I can do it better. This is where trust becomes difficult, when my idea of the future may not match up with God's plans. However I've read the end of the book and I know that no matter what happens God's plans will not be foiled, His plans for me, for my family, and for the world. 

On horses and blind faith

Every once in a while, I become a horse racing enthusiast.

Since 2003, when a pretty gelding named Funny Cide captured the heart and imagination of America as he made a run for the Triple Crown, I have halfway followed the sport of horse racing.  Really, I only follow it for the major races: all of the jewels of the Triple Crown, the Santa Anita, the Breeders Cup races, and the Kentucky Oaks.  This year might prove to be the first time since 1978 that a horse will win the Triple Crown, as I'll Have Another has already captured the first two races (the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness Stakes).  [Edit: while this blog was in draft status, I'll Have Another scratched from the Belmont due to tendonitis, and then promptly retired from his race career.  Such a shame that an injury has made it impossible for him to be able to continue his career, but I am glad that the horse's health is of paramount importance.]

David J. Phillip/Associated Press

So this week, I'm going to be thinking a lot about horses.  Hopefully that will remind me to catch my own horse and grain him more often, but we will see how that goes. :)

Horses are a funny animal that I struggle to embrace with open arms, even though by marriage to my husband I find myself the owner of three equids.  I would probably feel more confident around horses if HORSES were more confident.  They are fidgety prey animals, prone to spooking at the slightest of provocations.  If they were the size of a domestic cat, this would not be a problem, but horses typically weigh over a thousand pounds.  Not our miniature horse, though.  He is only a couple hundred pounds.

This extreme anxiety in horses can render them useless or dangerous in some situations.

There is a scene in my favorite movie, "Gone with the Wind", where Scarlett and Rhett are attempting to flee Atlanta as the city burns.  Sherman's army is approaching, and the Confederate army is burning the depot and their military supplies so that the Union army does not benefit from the use of their items.  As Scarlett and Rhett try to maneuver their horse and cart past a burning three-story building, the horse balks at the fire in front of and around him.  Try as he might, Rhett cannot convince the horse to budge, so Scarlett tosses him a garment for Rhett to wrap around the horse's face.  Once the horse cannot see any danger around him, he moves forward and Rhett and Scarlett successfully escape the charred city.

For all of our talk about how living in high definition has been the ticket for us to walk this cancer journey well, it has recently struck me that living by blind faith has been just as equally important as we attempt to maneuver our way through a figurative fire.

You see, when Ryan was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer, I felt like I had been punched repeatedly in the gut, struggling for breath and composure.  Life was a pane of glass that had just been shattered into a million pieces, and I struggled for months trying to glue the little shards back together.  As I frantically tried to figure out what my husband's cancer diagnosis meant for my family and I, I came to a point where I realized that I could not move forward and be an effective vessel for the Lord, an effective caretaker for my husband, and be a good mama to my son unless I learned to place my trust in the Lord for what my future was going to hold.  In other words, until I decided to strap on blinders and trust my Jockey to steer me safely to the finish line, I was not going to finish this race well.  In case the word "blinders" is not in your vocabulary, it is a piece of tack that is often used in racing and driving disciplines because some trainers feel that it helps keep the horse focused on what is directly in front of him instead of the distractions around him.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we don't see.


I do not understand fully why God has placed us on this journey.  At times I see glimpses of the purposes that He has for us in the midst of this, but I do not get the whole picture.  Thankfully, that's not my job.  I am only to concern myself with my faith in God.  Hebrews 11 lists a lot of things that the giants of the Bible did because of their faith.  Then it continues as such...

13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
...
39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, 40 since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

Read the rest of Hebrews 11.  We are talking about people that have literally wandered the desert for years upon years, people who have taken gutsy risks, people who have endured unimaginable hardships, and waited years upon years to see their heirs materialize.  Not by choice, we have been placed on a difficult journey with seemingly insurmountable odds against us.  Our walls of Jericho are seriously tall.  And we may both die without completely understanding why God has thrown us this curveball.  Maybe Ryan will be healed, maybe he won't.  But just as a horse could easily be distracted by the perils and problems around him, so could we also fall prey to the tempting idea of self-pity and fear.

There is another choice, though, one that I'm thankful we have both resolved to make.  To live by blind faith is both a difficult and yet a very simple choice.  It is difficult because it requires us to lay down our very lives before the Lord and say, "Do what you will."  That is far easier to type than it is to actually do.  But truthfully, the actual process is simple.  Trust.  Trust.  Trust even when it makes no sense.  Strap on a set of blinders and quit looking around you at all of the potential danger.  Trust God even when your life is threatened.  Trust God even when you're seething with anger against Him.  Trust Him even when life is easy and it's so easy to drift away from His control and you don't "need" Him.  As a horse has to trust his master that he means him no harm, so we must trust that our God's plans for our lives really are intended for our spiritual prosperity.  Trust, trust, trust.

Proverbs 3

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways submit to him,

    and he will make your paths straight.

7 Do not be wise in your own eyes; 

    fear the Lord and shun evil. 

8 This will bring health to your body 

    and nourishment to your bones.

So how does a horse make the decision to trust when there is a fire raging around him, or twenty other horses are jockeying for position around him?  And how do we trust God when life circumstances seem so daunting?

First, the horse leans not on his own understanding.  In all his ways, he submits to his master.

Throw something over a horse's eyes and ironically, instead of being fearful of not being able to see, he relaxes.  Instead of relying on his own poor eyesight to guide his steps, he relies upon the skillful, watchful hand of his loving master.  So also should we submit to the will of God in our lives, as His ways are truly higher than ours, but also have the promise that He works all things out to the good of those that love Him.

And secondly, we have to retool our thinking.  I think that if I were a horse, I would be a bucking horse.  I'm the type of person that bucks when a difficult situation crops up.  That is because I often forget this concept:  Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1: 2-4)  A wise person does not see problems, but only opportunities.  Trials are opportunities for us to mature in our faith, to encourage people in similar situations, and to demonstrate the work that God has done for us thus far.  God has done so much in my own heart in the last fifteen months that I can hardly remain bitter for this fork in the road.

What is holding you back from trusting in God?  Are you too distracted by the problems you face?  I would encourage you to embrace both concepts of Living in High Definition (knowing what truly matters in life and living life to honor God) and Living by Blind Faith (trusting God no matter what the possible outcome).  You will find your life richer for having placed blinders over your eyes and your reins in His hands!

How do you pray for the Lord's will to be done...and really mean it?

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for the blessing of another day with my wonderful family.  My husband and son are gifts that you have given me, and I know that they belong to you along with everything I own.  Lord, I pray that your will would be done in our lives.  But while you're at it, can you double-check that your will includes healing my husband?  Thanks.

Okay, I have never said that verbatim.

But that's honestly what runs through my head sometimes.

And it's insincere.  My lips say "Lord, may your will be done", but my heart fears that He may actually do His will and I won't like the end result.

Even though I have made the choice (over and over again) that no matter how this situation ends, I will trust God to do His perfect will in my life, I still find myself all the time questioning whether or not Ryan dying could really be the best possible outcome.  Lord, healing him would bring You glory!  Think of all the years that Ryan could live, do ministry, speak truth to so many people, and show people how to have hope in their own lives!  Yeah, if cancer is anything like the grieving process (which there are some pretty huge similarities), I waffle between bargaining, acceptance, and denial several times a week.

My father-in-law is much more submitted to God's will than I am (at least so it seems!).  He constantly asks people for prayer in this situation, but he always asks "please pray that God's perfect will would be done".  Sometimes I want to interject and say, "No, Steve, ask for healing!"  I'm almost afraid that if too many people pray for God's will to be done, my husband will surely die.  It panics me. It's almost as if I have this constant struggle in my chest between knowing what I want, and knowing that this passage is truth:

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.

                                       Isaiah 55: 8-9 (NIV)

So the thought that has crossed my mind this week (and Ryan's too) is how do we ask for the Lord's will to be done and really mean it?

Hours before Jesus was arrested, he spent time praying in the Garden of Gethsemane.  He knew, as he was both fully man and fully God, exactly what was about to happen to him.  Despite knowing the end result (i.e., resurrection and atonement for the sins of all people), Jesus was clearly not looking forward to what was about to transpire:

Matthew 26 (NIV):

³⁶ Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” ³⁷ He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. ³⁸ Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

 ³⁹ Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

So there we have it.  Even the son of God prayed for "this cup" (the crucifixion) to be taken from Him.  Of course He knew that it would transpire, and why.  After all, He was/is God: He planned this.  But for one moment, we see an example of Jesus' humanity.  And yet still in spite of the momentary glimpse of human frailty, the end of verse 39 remains: "Yet not as I will, but as you will."

Jesus trusted in the plan.  As painful as dying on the cross was going to be, He knew that the outcome would glorify God and provide redemption for the rest of us scallywags.  Here's some different about me, though: I don't know the outcome of Ryan's cancer.  I don't have the same luxury of knowing the future as my Savior did.

Regardless of not knowing, do I trust Him?

Do I trust Him, that whether my husband lives or dies, that is the best outcome for God's Kingdom?

Praying for God's will to be done is SCARY.  That completely takes the control out of our hands (ha, like we really had any to begin with) and places our future squarely in the palm of our Lord.  And I know that is the best place for me to rest, is in the care of my Lord who loves me.

So like so many other choices that I've had to make for the last ten months, I am forced to make a decision of whether or not I am going to trust God:

• to pray for His will to be done and truly mean it (trusting Him with my/our future),
• or continue to only ask selfishly for Ryan to be healed (not trusting Him entirely).

No, it is not wrong to continue to ask for healing.  But what the Lord has convicted my heart of is that when I pray, I am not fully trusting.  I don't truly mean it when I say, "Your will be done, Lord."  I have said the words, but they haven't always been sincere.

So what decision will you make when you pray for yourself or even for us?  Do you trust that God's will is perfect, or are you still focused on what you think is best?

Starbucks, Jacob, and Rachel

This afternoon around 3:15 p.m., I stopped at the Grand Haven Starbucks for the second time today and ordered another grande Blonde roast with one creamer and two Splendas.  Now, lest you think that I'm a freewheeling spender, I was gifted a Starbucks mug for Christmas (from one of my students!) that allows me to go to Starbucks the entire month of January and fill it up with brewed coffee for NOTHING.  I didn't even know that such a thing existed.  Now, since I am a quarter Dutch and it's January 30th, you'd bet your sweet bippy that I'm going to get every last drop out of that mug.  I've got quite a reputation around the GH Starbucks for being the blonde that likes Blonde roast and Splenda.  I totally get their marketing strategy though.  They sell those mugs so that people can give them as Christmas gifts, and people like me who normally brew their own coffee at home to save money get totally HOOKED on expensive coffee and become regular customers.  Yeah, I'm onto you Starbucks...and guess what, your evil scheme totally worked.

So what does this have to do with Jacob and Rachel?  Absolutely nothing, except that I'm awake at 11 p.m., no thanks to my Starbucks addiction... and I likely will be awake for quite some time...so why not blog about a topic that's in my head?

So, God taught me an important truth about attitude through the story of Jacob and Rachel as I read it recently.  While I can't relate to bigamous relationships, manual labor, or really anything about their culture, I can relate to certain parts of their story and namely, their attitudes.

Here is a link to Genesis 29, which tells their story.  As you read it, notice a couple of things.  First of all, Uncle Laban was in the sheep business.  I don't know how much you have been able to experience sheep, but my best friend growing up had sheep for a couple of years.  Sometimes I'd be at her house, and she would have to do something regarding the care of these animals and I would tag along to their pen with her.  I remember very little about sheep except that they are stupid, that they excreted really foul-smelling stuff, that they were messy and difficult, and and that hers were named Salt and Pepper.  Helping my best friend occasionally feed her sheep (or chase one if it got out of its pen) is really all I ever want to do with them.  So I find it very remarkable and frankly - depressing - that Jacob agreed to work for seven years in a disgusting job to marry the woman that he loved.  However, he put his nose the grindstone and kept a positive attitude during those seven long years (v. 20).  I like that about him.

Contrast that with the woman he married, Rachel.  As lovely as Rachel was on the outside, if you look closely at her character, she has a lot of problems.  Rachel suffered from a condition that I can relate with, the "I want what I can't have" syndrome.  The biggest object of her desire was to have a child.  It wasn't enough to be Jacob's beloved and preferred wife, but she possessed an all-consuming desire to have a child and went to great lengths to procure one.

However, even when she finally had a natural son, she wanted more.  And her greed didn't stop there. If you keep reading in Genesis, she took her father's terephim so that her husband would be the principal among Laban's male heirs.  She was continually discontent in her circumstances, always looking for the greenest grass.  Contrast that attitude with the humility that her husband showed to his deceitful uncle and to his tricky wife, and I'd say that you have a pretty huge divide in their character at this point in their lives.

Sometimes lately I have felt like Rachel.  I have to check my attitude to make sure that I'm not allowing discontent to breed itself within me, and I will tell you that it is hard.  Keeping an attitude of thankfulness is not an easy thing when I feel like my life and my dreams have been ripped away from me.  It's so easy for me to become jealous of others like Rachel was jealous of her sister Leah, and to forget the blessings that God has given me in abundance.

I think that Jacob is the one that I'd rather emulate.  He treated his difficult wife very well, which is an admirable thing in and of itself.  His attitude was good in the midst of his hard labor. Yes, he chose to endure his hard labor for Rachel's sake, and I didn't choose my situation.  But rather than complain about the sheep droppings in my life, I too could focus more on my Beloved (and I'm talking about my Heavenly father here, not just Ryan!) and minimize my self-centeredness.  My attitude in the midst of this journey is positively correlational to the amount of time I spend praying for God's will to be done in my life.  Being like Rachel and continually looking to what's around the corner or how I can squeeze out of a situation that I don't like only leads to discontent, anger, and a loathsome attitude.

So today, after I have had a really long, hard day of feeling sorry for myself, I choose to act more like Jacob and put my nose back to the grindstone.  I'm not sure how long we'll be on this journey, but no matter how long it is, my complaints and pity parties would be better left by the wayside.  After all, positive attitudes sound much more melodious than negative ones.


P.S. Shout out to my grandpa-in-law for the bippy comment!

Keep looking up!

Our son, Colton, loves bathtime.  As soon as I mention the word "tubby", he goes racing to the bathroom door.  Once inside, he cannot strip his clothes off fast enough.  It's one of his (and my) favorite times of the day.  We laugh, play, and talk.  Only I cannot understand this foreign language that Colton speaks in the bathtub sometimes.  It sounds like an Ewok.

But as happy as he looks/sounds in that clip, what you have to realize is that we haven't gotten to the hair washing part of the bathtime routine, given that his hair is still dry.  Colton despises hair washing time.  I use gentle shampoo and take the greatest pains to ensure that no water/soap get in his eyes, but he thrashes around violently and screams when his hair is getting washed, so soap inevitably ends up in his eyes.  Life is rough.

Yes, I've heard about those fancy visor things that can prevent kids from getting water in their eyes, but I flatly refuse to pay money for something like that.  So I have had to come up with a plan for him to be able to cope with this "horrible" situation in his life. Lately I've been training him to "look up!" whenever the time comes for us to wet or rinse his hair.  "COLTON!  Look up!  Keep looking up!  Honey, don't look down.  Look UP!  Look up at the ceiling!  NO!  When you look down, you get water in your face.  Baby boy, look UP!"

As you can tell by the conversation, this is a constant reminder that he needs.  Sometimes he follows my instruction clearly and he stares at the ceiling the entire time I rinse his shampoo out.  However, more times than not, he screams and drops his chin to his chest, causing the hated shampoo to flood his eyes and make his situation even worse.  It's quite a battle.  I get really wet sometimes.

And it would just be so much easier, so much less of a hassle, if he would stay focused on my instruction.  But the moment that he questions me, his loving mother, who wouldn't ever harm him or mislead him, he breaks my command and he begins to suffer.

Are you catching my drift?  I'm sure you see by now where I'm going with this.

In Psalm 105, we are exhorted (verse 4) to Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always.  Always does not mean that we are to praise God and follow Him only when it's convenient or easy for us, but to train ourselves to keep seeking His will even when he is leading us through the most harrowing of situations, whether it be the risk of getting shampoo in our eyes, or having the most excruciatingly painful, long, dark period of our lives.  Following the Lord's instruction in our lives is not always easy, but I can tell you that this last week, God has asked me to do some pretty humbling, difficult things. I have had to trust as I've gone out on this limb, that He would not allow me to get soap in my eyes. It has been a total blessing to do what He's asked of me.  I have been so privileged to see Him working not only in my own life, but the lives of people around me. It has given me such joy and such peace to trust, trust my God.

Once my son finally begins to trust me that I have his best interests at heart, he will begin to experience a peace about hair washing that he never thought possible.  He'll be such a happy, clean little boy.

And maybe I'll get through bathtime without having to change my shirt afterwards.

Keep looking up.  Our God's strength is unlimited, His will is perfect, and His instruction is infallible.

Anxiety builds.

When I get stressed about this cancer stuff, there are a few places that I run to:

• Country Dairy
• God
• Psalms, number 46 in particular
• Ryan
• a certain playlist on my iPhone

(God would be number 1...those are in random order, I promise you.)

Today I have spent time with all of those, except for Country Dairy - because we are in Chicago.  If we were in New Era and only two miles away from Country Dairy like we normally are, I'd probably be lunching there today on a cheddar bacon burger.  Mmm...

But really, the point of this post is, there have been two songs over the last week that are helping my heart be pointed in the right direction as we anxiously await the test results of Ryan's scans tomorrow.  I hope that you'll click on them and read the lyrics.  They are powerful.  Music speaks to me so powerfully and evokes powerful emotions...these help evoke a strong sense of peace and determination that I will follow the Lord's will with all my heart and understanding.  I will worship Him no matter Tuesday's outcome.

Hillsong United, "The Stand"

You stood before creation 

Eternity within Your hand 

You spoke the earth into motion 

My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure 

Carried the Cross for my shame 

My sin weighed upon Your shoulders 

My soul now to stand

So what can I say 

What can I do 

But offer this heart O God 

Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation 

Your Spirit alive in me 

This life to declare Your promise 

My soul now to stand

So what can I say 

What can I do 

But offer this heart O God 

Completely to You

So I'll stand 

With arms high and heart abandoned 

In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand 

My soul Lord to You surrendered 

All I am is Yours

Chris Tomlin, "I Will Rise"

There's a peace I've come to know 

Though my heart and flesh may fail 

There's an anchor for my soul 

I can say "It is well" 

Jesus has overcome 

And the grave is overwhelmed 

The victory is won 

He is risen from the dead 

[Chorus:] 

And I will rise when He calls my name 

No more sorrow, no more pain 

I will rise on eagles' wings 

Before my God fall on my knees 

And rise 

I will rise 

There's a day that's drawing near 

When this darkness breaks to light 

And the shadows disappear 

And my faith shall be my eyes 

Jesus has overcome 

And the grave is overwhelmed 

The victory is won 

He is risen from the dead 

[Chorus:] 

And I will rise when He calls my name 

No more sorrow, no more pain 

I will rise on eagles' wings 

Before my God fall on my knees 

And rise 

I will rise 

And I hear the voice of many angels sing, 

"Worthy is the Lamb" 

And I hear the cry of every longing heart, 

"Worthy is the Lamb" 

[x2]

[Chorus:] 

And I will rise when He calls my name 

No more sorrow, no more pain 

I will rise on eagles' wings 

Before my God fall on my knees 

And rise 

I will rise

Grieving the future

It's my second night in a row of insomnia and as my wife pointed out to me, I haven't blogged in almost a month.

 Sorry about that, if anything, it is because the last month or so have been fairly normal. I've been going about life and dealing with everyday stuff.

 This is a difficult topic for me to write about but it is something I've been wrestling through for a while.

You see Kendra and I have been blessed beyond belief by having Colton in our lives during this process. I'm thankful he's so young that hey may not remember most of it. I hope he will remember me if things don't go well. We didn't plan on having a child at this stage in our marriage when we got married. We were going to wait a while longer and "get settled" before we took that step. Then for whatever reason I got the itch to try for a baby. About a year later Colton was born.

 A year after that on Coltons birthday, when we were told I had less than a year to live. We had always planned on having more children. Three maybe four or more, we weren't sure but a decent sized family was in our plans. The hard reality is right now it would be as much a miracle for us to have our own children as for me to get healed. The chemo is wicked stuff and it messes with every part of your body.

So according to my eyes and a man's perspective the door to future children is closed. One of the hardest parts about this process is feeling like you have lost some of the dreams you've had for so long. Children, vacations, ministry opportunities, anything you imagine and dream about doing in the future. For Kendra and I this children loss is hard to swallow.

 Kendra has always had a heart for adoption. I was never nearly as passionate about it. I think it's a great opportunity and there are so many worthy children who deserve a family. I just didn't feel led or passionate about it. I've said that being diagnosed changed a lot of things in an instant in my heart. One of those things is adoption. I would love to adopt a child now. To add to our family a child who is hopeless and doesn't see many options to a future would be incredible. To learn more intimately what it means to be adopted into God's family through adoption one of His children into my family is something I'd be anxious to grow in.

 The problem is adoption agency's don't like to give children to stage four cancer patients or even survivors. I get it. I'm seriously struggling about whether it would be wise for us to add a child right now facing the opportunity that I might not be around to be their father. There are so many factors to consider. Either way though it feels like for now the decisions have already been made for us, and it's hard not to grieve that loss.

 I can't always see God's specific plan or the why behind it through this journey. Some things don't make sense to me. So when my mind is struggling I have to rely on my will, which I have set firmly on the truth that God is perfect, in control, and all wise. I'm also 100% confident that God is completely able to bless Kendra and I with a child naturally or adopted if that is his plan. He already blessed us with Colton who if we stayed with our plans would never had been born. How much we would have missed out on.

 I'm sharing this with you not because we're looking for advice on how to have or adopt a child. We've done diligent research and the point of the blog isn't really about having a child, it's about trusting in God even when it feels like things are being stripped away. I don't want to be like Abram and Tamar and show my lack of faith that God's in control and try to fix things according to how it works in my mind. I want to trust God completely, with my present, future, and dreams.

 We would love for you to continue to pray for us, and if you're able to add family members to your family please please know how incredibly blessed you are.