Eight months have passed since the day that we got a phone call that my husband had spots on his liver that showed up on a CT scan.
Seven and a half months have passed since we got word that he would surely die from cancer very quickly.
And yet here we are, still in the same holding pattern that we have been in forever (or so it seems). Physically, he's not any different than he was eight months and 1 day ago. He is perfectly normal, he's never felt a single symptom from this supposedly deadly cancer, and I still feel like I'm living in a twilight zone.
I know that I kind of railed against complaining in the last post, but I just have to get something off my chest. I'm DONE. I'm DONE with the cancer life. I just want normalcy. I just want to move on. I'm tired of things being weird, unresolved, complicated, sad, uncertain, and heavy. Stop the ride, I want to get off, please.
And yet at the same time, what if this had never happened? What kind of apathetic, lazy, meaningless life would I be living? If things continued the same way that they were, I'd be the epitome of a spiritual slob. Yeah, I knew that I had to clean up my life, but things were comfortable...what was the point? I don't want to go back to being that person.
I wouldn't trade the man that my husband has become throughout this process for ANY healthy, long-living man in the world. His heart for the Lord and His people is astounding. He has always been incredible; that's why I married him (aren't you jealous of me!). But the person that I knew prior to April 1st was half the man that I know now. He's more tender, more compassionate, more filled with faith, more forgiving, stronger, more honorable, more admirable, and a better father and husband than I could have ever imagined him being.
So eight months later, yes, I'm ready to be done and go back to a normal life. I pray continuously that this ends well and my husband defies nearly insurmountable odds. But would I trade this experience and what it has done for us?
Nope. As painful and as gut-wrenching as this has been, I never want to go back to who we were on April 1st.