First of all, let me just say that God took Ryan and I over His proverbial knee and SPANKED us this morning. Seriously, we both felt like grated cheese when we left church - in a good way. The Lord shredded some serious apathy and entitlement that has been growing in our hearts lately. Since we got our good news, life has been kind of weird. There is a huge sense of relief in our hearts that SOMETHING is going in the right direction for once since April, and we're so pleased. Thanks be to God. But with comfort comes apathy, at least in my spiritual life. I have totally fallen off the wagon in the last three weeks, engrossed in myself and my work and mindless entertainment - oh, and shopping. Ryan has been a bear - as he's already mentioned. I say that with all the love in my heart that I have for that wonderful man, but I nearly booted him in the rear end a couple of times (like, I literally wanted to kick him). So life just hasn't been quite on its normal track.
But anyway, back to this morning. We walked into church, expecting for it to be a normal Sunday - inspirational, but perhaps not exactly life-changing. The Holy Spirit, working through our pastor and the director of Lily of the Valley Orphanage in Chihuahua, Mexico, rained down all sorts of truth on our heads. Love your neighbor. Love your enemy (wow, needed to hear that!). Love orphans. We walked out of church kind of in a daze. I felt completely convicted about my selfish, self-serving attitude lately. I'm going through a really rough time in my life, so I deserve to be selfish about x, y, and z. No, it doesn't work like that. Praise God for a really good, well-timed smack across the face. I also felt reaffirmed in my desire to someday, somehow be some sort of a mother to hurting children. I don't know what that looks like, but I'm pretty certain that the child that I gave birth to in April 2010 is not the only child that I will have a direct impact on. Lord, please take away cancer so that I can fulfill this calling to be a mother with my husband, who is the best father imaginable.
So that's the first thing. I needed a butt-kicking.
The other thing I've learned is that I had to leave Facebook. I'm off it kind of indefinitely. I asked Ryan to change my password and not tell me what it is. So if I don't respond to something, that's why. I don't know for how long, but I do know that there were two definite reasons that Facebook needed to leave my life temporarily. #1, I do not get on Facebook and spend a ton of time on there at one time, but I do check it too often. Sometimes several times a day, for a minute or two. What message does that communicate to my son, when I am constantly looking at my phone or the computer to see what my friends' statuses are? I need to be more concerned about the status of my family and my relationship with God.
#2 reason for the Facebook hiatus: Facebook has caused too much anger for me lately. For the last couple of months, my reaction to people's complaints about inconsequential things has gone from mild irritation to a totally visceral reaction. Complaints about a cold or a flu bug? Thank the Lord that that is the worst sickness that you have to deal with. It's temporary. It's inconsequential. Complaints about morning sickness? Trade places with me, please. I'd love to be in your shoes and puking all over them. Complaints about your naughty children? Discipline them, then hug them and praise God for them. Complaints about your job? Can you please just be thankful that you have one? There are millions of people that envy you. Complaints about your parents or other family members? I believe that there are tens of millions of orphans in our world that would love to be a part of your family.
I am not saying this because I want to be Bitter Betty, although I can veer into that dangerous territory in a quick second and must check myself. I am not saying this because I want to compare my situation and say to you, "Pity me! Look at how sorry my life is! You should feel guilty!" I am saying this because I want everyone, everywhere, including myself, to have an attitude of thankfulness no matter how deep the valley is that they're walking through. The Lord dishes out blessings on a daily basis, and we should be thankful on a daily basis. And until I can get my reactions under control, Facebook is not a healthy place for me to be...because mindless complaining is everywhere. So pray for my attitude, please.
So, there it is. That's what I've been learning lately. This is what I'm conquering at the current time.
Phew. I have rewritten the closing to this like five times because it's just really hard to conclude a blog when I'm really, really honest sometimes. It makes me feel really vulnerable. So I guess I'll just say...