The shifting sands of change.

Last night I had a dream.

I had a dream that we were sitting in one of the little oncologist's offices at CTCA.  We were about to receive news from our oncologist about Ryan's scans.  I don't remember exactly what the results were, because I was jarred awake by our son screaming around 5 am today.  He's not in love with his pack n play.  I'm not in love with him not sleeping through the night.

What I do remember about the dream is that I was frightened out of my wits.  THAT is really close to reality.  As many times as we've been through this, it does not get any easier to sit in that little room and get the news.  It's so nerve-wracking, and I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest.  Without exception, I jump every time Dr. Sheelvanth knocks on the door.

So now to the news that you've been waiting for.  Today's results were a little mixed.  Most of the problem areas (small tumors, 2 enlarged lymph nodes) are stable since November's scans.  That is great news.  However, the tumor that has been the largest the whole time - around 1" in diameter - has grown to about 1.5".  That is not great news.  Our oncologist could not speculate about whether it was because we have not had the most consistency since November in keeping to his schedule, or whether perhaps the tumors are becoming resistant to the chemo drug that he is on.

So what we've decided to do is to switch drugs.  Ryan's cycles will go from being four weeks, to two weeks long.  He will get an infusion every two weeks (once in Chicago, once in Muskegon), and he will be on an oral chemotherapy for seven days at the beginning of each cycle.

Side effects should continue to exist, but we've been assured up and down that they should be pretty manageable.  Ryan's hair might thin a little bit - I am not pleased about this, but Ryan doesn't mind too much.  I must just be a girl or something.  To be honest with you, I'm not crazy about change.  It's hard, and it's scary.  I was just starting to feel like I had a grip on everything, and now the rug has been slightly taken out from under me again.  I am not crazy about this feeling.

Overall, we are grateful that things are not spinning out of control.  Our doctor rated this at about a "seven" on a 10 point scale, with 10 being the best news possible.  Ryan's liver enzymes are at a totally normal level, which they haven't been for a few months - wonderful!

We will do scans four weeks from now.  There is a possibility out on the horizon that Ryan might do a radio frequency ablation, which is targeted radiation to a particular tumor (likely this one that is growing). If this were to happen, it would be like a minor surgery with a few days' recovery period.

We are grateful especially for your prayer support.  Please continue to pray, and pray often for us.  We continue to remain confident in our God's ability to heal, without doubt.

And in Ryan's own words: "Good news doesn't mean I'm healed, and bad news doesn't mean I'm dead."

So true. :)

Psalm 91

 ¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High 
   will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
² I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, 
   my God, in whom I trust.”

The trail changes course

Have you ever ridden an unknown trail? I have many times. It looks like things are headed in one direction then it can commonly change direction and you're off in a new heading. That is what happened today.

I have had two symptoms in the last cycle that have either cropped up or gradually gotten worse. I started having ringing in my ears, and the numbing and pins and needles in my hands and feet is gradually getting more noticeable. The neuropathy (numbing and pins and needles) is less significant but annoying. There shouldn't be long term effects from it. However the ringing in my ears could progress to hearing loss. That would be irreversible. My doctor's were concerned about that, and so we adjusted our treatment cycle. I am swapping out the harsh drug I took for a very very similar drug that should not affect my hearing and neuropathy like the old drugs.

With change comes apprehension. I would be lying if I said I'm not a little nervous. However I do trust my doctors. They all told me the efficacy of the new drug should be the same as the old drug. If the scans show differently after a couple cycles we will re-evaluate. I'd rather be deaf and alive, than have my hearing but not need it.

Otherwise my check up was unremarkable medically and very routine. My blood work was all good and there was nothing of note. I had a wonderful conversation with one of my nurses that started with teaching and the climate of funding cuts in Michigan and quickly progressed to children who are less fortunate. She shared how she would love to be a missionary doctor over seas. Then we talked about how God has a plan, even though as she see so many patients in so many conditions it can be hard not to ask "why?". She has been an incredible nurse for us, and truly has built a relationship with us. She said that I blessed her, but as usual I walked away blessed as well.

Please pray for my side effects. Nothing right now is interrupting my day to day activities. However specifically pray for the ringing and hearing issues, the neuropathy, I have very slight intermittent abdominal pain, and the chemo brain for a while after treatment.

Things at work are very exciting and very busy right now. I have many major projects coming to a head. Grace Adventures has supported me in so many overwhelming ways and continues to do so. I'm so thankful to work for an organization that loves its' employees as Christ would. However I want to give my best to Grace and to God. Please pray that projects would go smoothly, retreats and events would fill, and that God would bless the marketing department at Grace Adventures. Through my weakness He is stronger.

Finally please pray that God would continue to open doors for Kendra and I to share our story and how God is at work with more people. It's my desire to use this journey to encourage and inspire those around me to deepen a relationship with Jesus Christ. Whether it is with individuals or with larger groups, we just want more people to be able to see God in the way that we have learned to see Him in the last couple months.