He holds me upright.

Dearest friends, family,

I cannot thank you enough for the many messages, texts, cards, posts on Facebook, flowers (thanks, Delynn!), and other tangible demonstrations of support that Ryan's family and I have gotten from loved ones this week.  One of Ryan's former campers even wrote an open letter to her baby son about where he got his middle name of "Ryan", and it was powerful!  I still consider myself to be so fortunate to forever be linked to this incredible person that left such an indelible mark upon the world around him. Thank you, Ryan, for making us all better and for bringing glory to your Savior.

That six-week stretch of time from Ryan's birthday through this week has been challenging at times as I have reflected upon the incredible loss that we all experienced a year ago.  I am so grateful that the God I serve is the same God for which this verse is written: "When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me." (Psalm 86:7, NIV)  The unbelievable peace and joy that I've been able to still have even in the midst of grieving is only because of the mercy and goodness that my heavenly Father has poured out on me over and over again.  When I'm afraid, sad, confused, hurt, or lonely, He is more than enough!  It is the same way with Colton and his mama.  When Colton heard an enormous clap of thunder during a storm last night, he came running to me and jumped in bed with me.  His mom is his safe harbor.  Our God is a safe refuge in the midst of a storm (Isaiah 25:4).  I can't imagine having gotten through this past year in one whole piece without the grace and protection that I have received from God.

But I would also like to share with the readers of this blog about the most incredible experience that I've gotten to have as a parent.  This past Monday night, one year later (almost to the minute) from when Colton said goodnight to his dad, Colton prayed and asked to receive Jesus into his heart!  He was quite insistent with me that he wanted to follow God at that very moment.  I was so blessed and honored to be able to do that with my precious son.  He turns four tomorrow (April 14), and his dad was also four when he first followed the Lord.  I am amazed at God's timing, and so excited to know that someday all three of us will be together again in eternity.

Life continues to go well for Colton and I.  We've had the opportunity to travel a little more, make some memories together, and we have had people come into our lives that have been timely friends and have brought much joy.  Colton still asks about his dad a few times a week, and we get to have wonderful conversations about his dad's character.  He did go through a period of time not that long ago where his sadness about his dad was perhaps a little overwhelming to him, but now he seems to have evened out a little bit.  He is doing amazingly well and I'm grateful that God seems to have given each of us (and also gave Ryan) a little extra share of resilience when he created us.

Again, thanks to all of you for continuing to pray for us and to think of us and reach out.  I'm grateful for every message sent my way and I can feel the grace that you are asking God to give me!  With God behind me and the body of Christ around me, Colton and I continue to stay upright and moving forward.

Day 366!

It's been 366 days since I was given a year to live.

James 1:17
17  Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

April Fool's Day, what a blessing!

One year ago today my life changed dramatically. I received the phone call that would set a sequence of events into motion that would lead to me being told I had less than a year to live. So today is my anniversary of sorts. A bittersweet anniversary. I'm reminded of the reality of my situation and how my life will never be the same. However I'm not supposed to be celebrating this day either. There in lies a dynamic that I'm growing to live with. Thankful and apprehensive.

Things will never go back to the way they were. Which means things have changed dramatically. I'm fatter, weaker, maybe wiser, but certainly closer to God, my wife, and my son. Kendra's and my priorities have changed quite drastically. We're passionate for the poor, lost, and hurting. The more God elevates us, the more we want to elevate Him. We've learned about peace, grace, and hope through this process. When I think about whether I'd want to go back I usually don't hesitate to say no. 

It's a weird dichotomy though. One foot in two worlds. The here and now, which we're so thankful for and at peace about, and the future which holds so much uncertainty. As I celebrate today it could be easy to be upset about all we've been through. I could easily resent God for all the things that I may lose out on because of this.

Take Colton for example. There's a strong chance I'm not going to be able to do the things with him I've always dreamed of. One dream was that when he got a few years older, we'd both go to the horse auction in the spring. I'd look at all the horses with him. We'd evaluate them, what we like and dislike. Then each of us would buy a young horse. That summer I would teach him how to break a horse as we both started them together. He'd learn about hard work, horsemanship and business as we turned around and took them back to auction in the fall to see if we could make a profit. All along I'd be teaching him what it means to be a Godly young man.

That may never happen. 

Am I sad? Yes. However God is really teaching me something about Colton right now. He's not my own. He has a father, a heavenly father. He is responsible for growing, protecting, leading, and guiding Colton. I'm merely a caretaker that has the privilege of loving him while I do. When I change my perspective, now whatever time I have with Colton becomes a blessing. If I look at it as a right, then when I lose it I'm resentful. However if it's a privilege and a blessing I'm thankful for what I receive. 

So as I approach a new year, yes there is much I will be challenged with, struggle through, and probably have to accept that I can't do certain things. However there's so much to be thankful for. I have been given so many blessings it's hard to adaqueatly say thank you to God for all He's provided. 

I'm thankful to God for;

A growing vibrant relationship with Him

My wonderful wife and the sacrificing servant that she has been

My beautiful son and the joy that he brings

An incredible family both blood and in spirit that have blessed us, encouraged us, humbled us, and loved us through all of this

A growing ministry that allows Kendra and I to encourage others through our journey

An amazing church that has time and time again provided for us in so many ways

The physical health that He has blessed me with through this last year

Simple pleasures like a Tigers game, or a horse ride, or a good book

A purpose that drives me 

An employer that supports me

Hope

Grace

I'm thankful for this past year and all that it has entailed. Praise the Lord!!!

2 Cor 1:3-7
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

The best of times and the worst of times.

"Hey Kendra, can you please proofread my blog post?"

"Sure, hon."

So as I'm reading his blog, I realize...it's almost 100% the same as what I was intending to write about.  Shucks.  This is what happens when a couple truly becomes one...they start to think the same way!  I hope that now that I think like my husband, it doesn't mean that toilet humor will start appealing to me or something.

Yes, today is April 1.  A year ago today I was just starting my spring break, and was going about with the trivialities of my day when Ryan called me with what I thought was the nastiest April Fool's Day prank I could imagine.  How I have wished so many times that it had only been a prank.  Then today we could be joking about how a year ago, he scared ten years off of my life, and I would probably playfully punch him in the shoulder.

No, this has been no joke.  This year has been the most painful experience that I could imagine.  Dreams that I had before we came to this fork in the road have been shattered or rendered dormant and God has continually showed me that right now, I am just to draw close to and wait on Him.  In the meantime, I've run from God, I've hid, I've come back to Him again, screamed at Him, cried out to Him, and thanked Him. I've been angry, I've been grateful, and I've been resentful.  There have been mountaintops of extreme joy, and there have been depths of despair that have been unlike anything I have experienced before.  Ultimately the lesson has hit home to me that it's entirely up to me what kind of attitude I will choose to have in the midst of this valley.  Will I focus my eyes on God and trust him to lead me through this muck and mire, or will I focus on myself and the things that I feel like I have a right to and just spin my proverbial wheels in the mud?

Just like Ryan's post included a list of things that he's thankful for, I too wanted to mention that in spite of the pain of this journey, God has poured out unbelievable blessings on us.  He has given us hope, promises, supporters, financial provision, protection from cancer symptoms, a stronger relationship with each other, a beautiful and happy son that gives us a smile even when things are at their toughest, and a renewed sense of purpose.  He has specifically placed us in this place at this very time to bring hope and encouragement to other people that sorely need it like we do.  This ministry that we've been blessed with...it has been unreal.  We are both in awe of the fact that God wants to use us in this way.

Pain.  Blessings.  Despair.  Opportunities.  Fear.  Hope.

It has been the best of times, and it has been the worst of times.  What a year.  However, I'm just thankful that I as I end this blog and get ready to post it, that I can look to my left and sitting five feet away from me is an incredible, "healthy", handsome, godly man to whom I am privileged to be married until death do us part.

Will you all keep praying with me that "death do us part" does not come until at least fifty years from now?