Anxiety. Fear. Sadness. Grieving.
I'm only seven weeks into this process. My husband is healthy and for the most part, we are enjoying a normal life. Things could be a lot worse, I know that. But for the first time in my life, I am beginning to experience anxiety in a very real way. The emotions that I'm feeling - overwhelming thankfulness for his (relative) health right now, joy at little moments that we share together - and then the paralyzing fear when a sad future creeps into my mind - are like a roller coaster. Have I mentioned that I'm not really into carnival rides? They make me sick.
Today the anxiety amplified when I was notified that I won't have a job next year. I am very sad about this, not just for myself but for my students' sake. I love public education and believe that public education is a great opportunity for children to reach their fullest potential. It breaks my heart to think that my students, who have verbalized how much they hate being in large classes and being in chaos, will be in class sizes of upper 30s next year. The cuts that are going on in Michigan are very frustrating, and not at all what is best for kids.
But through all of this, I am trying to continually remind myself of a few things. Trying.
We serve a big God. Huge.
He is Jehovah Jireh, my provider.
He has a plan that is unfolding, and at this moment I don't understand the big picture, but someday I'll be able to, I'm sure. His ways are higher than my ways, his thoughts higher than my thoughts.
He has plans to prosper us and NOT to harm us.
He is a God of miracles, and he works them every single day.
A woman touched Jesus' robe one time and was healed. If we have faith that Ryan can be healed, darn it, we have a great chance of that happening. Or God could just speak and he will be healed - hey God, however you choose to do it is fine by me!
My dear, dear, DEAR friend Lee told me recently that when fear strikes, let it drive me right back to the Lord and dwell there instead of in my fear. Today when I woke up, I tried doing that instead of letting anxiety attacks control me all day long (like they did yesterday). And ya know what? It helped. Today wasn't great. Anxiety came and went. Bad things happened. But fear didn't rule my day.
And in related news, as I write this I can see the Sears Tower - NO, not the Willis Tower or Willetts Tower or whatever people are calling it these days. We are on our way to Zion to meet with our oncologist and Ryan will start round 2 tomorrow. Here's hoping for a TKO to the cancer in Round 2. As the dear friend Lee's husband said at the beginning of round 1, "I can hear those cancer cells crying here in Michigan!"
We won't be getting any scans or real information for three weeks yet. Please pray for minimal side effects for Ryan after round 2, pray for productive meetings with our care team (we have lots of questions to ask), and for safety while traveling.