Sunday, September 4, 2011
In just two days, I will begin a new school year. Only a couple of months ago, the thought of me working anywhere this fall was laughable, and by the grace of God I landed on my feet again in a fabulous district. I'm super excited, but this school year is slightly overwhelming to think about - at least in terms of 180 days. I'm especially worried about the commute. If I go straight from our house to Grand Haven, it's only 35 minutes on fast roads (we live very close to US-31, and my school is right off US-31). However, three days a week I still have to drop off Colton in Montague - and that adds quite a bit to the drive (especially in wintertime). So if anyone that lives near us is interested in a job dropping off my son at daycare three days a week, let me know! I'd be glad to pay you for it. (No, I'm being totally serious. Let me know.)
I am having to do some serious retraining of my mind throughout this process. Truthfully, I struggle all the time with looking too far ahead in the distance. It's something that I've always done. I probably come across as way too scattered to keep a planner, but I meticulously enter in events into my Google calendar (otherwise I would forget them - because of the scatterbrained qualities that I have). I have my Google calendar filled out to at least Christmas, and several events from now to the end of the school year. But lately I've been having to push out thoughts like, "What will I do if I lose Ryan? Where am I going to live? Will I sell the house? Can I keep up this property on my own? Which school district will I end up in? Will I ever be a school counselor? Where is Colton going to go to school? Who will help me take care of him? Will I be alone for the rest of my life? How am I going to do this?" Friends, these are not easy thoughts. I can spend forever and a day thinking about these things, freaking out. Meanwhile, the worst has not even happened. So what's the point of worrying about this now? Answer: nothing. There is no point in worrying.
"Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
We are given grace for this moment. Not tomorrow, or next Tuesday. This moment. My worrying about tomorrow and what will happen is directly a result of a lack of faith that I have in my Lord providing what I need for tomorrow and five years from now. I have no idea what God has in store for Ryan and I. By some miracle, our lives might return to a semblance of what they were prior to April - in high definition instead of standard def. That is my deepest, most aching desire. But it's very likely that life as we know it will never be the same. I can either worry myself into oblivion, or buckle up my seatbelt and give God the proverbial steering wheel. He has our lives headed in a direction that is not easy, but full of promise and meaning.
Meanwhile, I count my blessings that I again will have the chance to impact lives this year. Working with students has always been my highest calling. I like Spanish and French alright, but getting to connect with students who are figuring things out for themselves and being able to be a positive role model for them - that is what fills my cup. Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of being able to do what I love!