Prayer request for Colton

Hello friends, I don't have any deep thoughts to share today. I only have a simple request: that you would continue to pray for my precious son. He is really struggling right now to understand why his dad left him and there are a lot of emotions that we are handling. Anger and sadness are definitely the most prominent. It is all normal and a part of the healing process. Kids process grief so differently from adults and Colton didn't have the luxury of understanding for two years what was about to happen. He is just truly beginning to understand what this all means. 

Please pray for me, too. It rips me apart to see Colton so torn about it and when the grief causes anger and misbehavior, sometimes it's hard to discern what is normal toddler behavior and what necessitates further conversation with him. I certainly need wisdom and guidance to weather this particular storm. I am so grateful for your continued bringing us before the throne. 

Obituary, letters to Colton, and pictures.

Hello friends, I wanted to let you know that the service times have been posted online, in Ryan's obituary:

http://www.kingfuneralhome.net/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=2058536&fh_id=10968

The other thing that I wanted to ask of you: I would like to collect letters that are addressed to Colton that tell him about who his daddy was.  Ryan was many things to many people: an inspiration, a blessing, comic relief, maybe even an occasional pain in the neck!  As Colton grows, I would love to be able to share your stories and memories with him.  I am asking that people send these letters to Colton one of three ways:

1.) Email the letter to the email address below.
2.) Send the letter in the mail to: Colton Prudhomme, c/o Grace Adventures, 2100 N Ridge Rd, Mears, MI 49436.
3.) Bring the letter to one of the services.

This will be such a valuable thing for our son to have.  I thank you in advance for helping us.

The last thing I would like to ask for is pictures of Ryan.  If you have any pictures of Ryan from his childhood or adulthood, please email them to the other email address listed below.  It would be best to have these in before Thursday morning, so that we could possibly incorporate them into a slideshow.

Thank you.

I am so grateful for the outpouring of love the last 36 hours from our friends, family, and blog readers.  We as a family are so amazed at the far-reaching impact that Ryan had in his 27 years.  He packed a lot of meaning into his short life, and God graced him with an amazing message to bring to encourage people.  I already miss him so much, but God has already so clearly given us peace and comfort in the midst of our deep sorrow.

My fear for our son

That precious face is my pride and joy.

That little two-year-old makes me alternately want to scream in frustration and yet also in exultation at his accomplishments.  He makes me laugh, and I shed tears over him often.  I spend much of my time thinking about his character, his integrity, his heart, his future, his needs, his happiness, and his hurts.

I also spend a lot of time thinking about how he could lose his father.

And I just can't imagine what it would be like to grow up like that.  I had both of my parents - still do.  All of my friends growing up were children of two-parent families.  I have no frame of reference for what it is like to be raised as the only child of a single parent.  And to suffer the excruciating loss of a parent at an early age...no, I cannot identify with that whatsoever.

You see, I have come to a certain level of acceptance of what the possibility of Ryan's death could mean for me.  I know in my head - no matter what is ahead of me tomorrow, I will have abounding grace to tackle it.  Whether that is the weariness of being a cancer caretaker for many, many years, or the heartache of burying the love of my life - I know that somehow, some way - I will endure that.

But the thing is, I am in my late twenties.  I have been a Christian long enough and I have been in this situation long enough to know that God will sustain me through any pain that might be in store.

But that sweet boy that is pictured above - he doesn't know that yet.

And likely, I will be one of the major people in his life to introduce him to this concept of contentment despite heartache, and commitment to God through any circumstances.

Gulp.  No pressure, ya know?

Ultimately, I'm afraid for my son and his future.  I'm afraid he might grow up bitter if he loses his dad.  I'm afraid that he will always feel an aching and a profound sense of loss that no male relative or family friend will ever be able to begin to ease.  And I'm afraid for myself - how would I ever provide for my son's emotional and spiritual needs?  What if I fail my son?

What if I fail my husband and his expectations for our son's upbringing?

"God is an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling." Psalm 68:5

As much as my head can start spinning when I consider all of the possible outcomes and all of my shortcomings as a mother (and a person in general), I have to just stop.  STOP.

My God is sufficient.  For me.  For my husband.  For my son.

For you.

And - deep breath - no matter what is in store, God is going to support me (us), hold me (us) upright, gird me (us), and defend me (us).

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

3     he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

    for his name’s sake.

4 Even though I walk

    through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

    for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me

    in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

    my cup overflows.

6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me

    all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

    forever.

Thank you, God, for being enough for me.  For Ryan.  For Colton.

Thank you for protecting all three of us.  And I know you will continue to, no matter what lies ahead.

Keep looking up!

Our son, Colton, loves bathtime.  As soon as I mention the word "tubby", he goes racing to the bathroom door.  Once inside, he cannot strip his clothes off fast enough.  It's one of his (and my) favorite times of the day.  We laugh, play, and talk.  Only I cannot understand this foreign language that Colton speaks in the bathtub sometimes.  It sounds like an Ewok.

But as happy as he looks/sounds in that clip, what you have to realize is that we haven't gotten to the hair washing part of the bathtime routine, given that his hair is still dry.  Colton despises hair washing time.  I use gentle shampoo and take the greatest pains to ensure that no water/soap get in his eyes, but he thrashes around violently and screams when his hair is getting washed, so soap inevitably ends up in his eyes.  Life is rough.

Yes, I've heard about those fancy visor things that can prevent kids from getting water in their eyes, but I flatly refuse to pay money for something like that.  So I have had to come up with a plan for him to be able to cope with this "horrible" situation in his life. Lately I've been training him to "look up!" whenever the time comes for us to wet or rinse his hair.  "COLTON!  Look up!  Keep looking up!  Honey, don't look down.  Look UP!  Look up at the ceiling!  NO!  When you look down, you get water in your face.  Baby boy, look UP!"

As you can tell by the conversation, this is a constant reminder that he needs.  Sometimes he follows my instruction clearly and he stares at the ceiling the entire time I rinse his shampoo out.  However, more times than not, he screams and drops his chin to his chest, causing the hated shampoo to flood his eyes and make his situation even worse.  It's quite a battle.  I get really wet sometimes.

And it would just be so much easier, so much less of a hassle, if he would stay focused on my instruction.  But the moment that he questions me, his loving mother, who wouldn't ever harm him or mislead him, he breaks my command and he begins to suffer.

Are you catching my drift?  I'm sure you see by now where I'm going with this.

In Psalm 105, we are exhorted (verse 4) to Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always.  Always does not mean that we are to praise God and follow Him only when it's convenient or easy for us, but to train ourselves to keep seeking His will even when he is leading us through the most harrowing of situations, whether it be the risk of getting shampoo in our eyes, or having the most excruciatingly painful, long, dark period of our lives.  Following the Lord's instruction in our lives is not always easy, but I can tell you that this last week, God has asked me to do some pretty humbling, difficult things. I have had to trust as I've gone out on this limb, that He would not allow me to get soap in my eyes. It has been a total blessing to do what He's asked of me.  I have been so privileged to see Him working not only in my own life, but the lives of people around me. It has given me such joy and such peace to trust, trust my God.

Once my son finally begins to trust me that I have his best interests at heart, he will begin to experience a peace about hair washing that he never thought possible.  He'll be such a happy, clean little boy.

And maybe I'll get through bathtime without having to change my shirt afterwards.

Keep looking up.  Our God's strength is unlimited, His will is perfect, and His instruction is infallible.

Definitely defiant, but still lovable.

Our son is not perfect.

My whole parenting world came to a screeching halt about three weeks ago when I picked up Colton from daycare and April, our wonderful daycare lady, told me that Colton had in fact bitten another child.  I FREAKED out.  MY CHILD?  Yes, I knew already that he bites occasionally, but I had been the only person that he's ever bitten...and only when he was super tired.  For a while, he was more accurately telling me that he was tired by attempting to bite me than yawning or rubbing his eyes (I'm thankful that he's over that stage).  When April told me the unfortunate news, I kind of understood how my mom felt when a police officer told her that my brother had stolen a stop sign.  I will not say which brother, in order to protect the ... um, innocent?  That phrase doesn't seem to fit here.  Anyway, I was very upset with Colton.

The biting episode was a stand-alone event, thank goodness.  However, that day it seemed like my son realized that being naughty was something that he should try more often.  THIS IS AWESOME!  BITING, HITTING, WHINING, DISOBEYING - yeah!  My docile, compliant, even-tempered toddler has quickly degenerated into a screaming, completely irrational, angry child.  Last Tuesday, after he went in timeout after timeout after timeout for not letting me brush his teeth, I sat down on my bathroom floor and sobbed along with him.  I don't know what I'm doing. This parenting stuff doesn't come with a manual, at least not a comprehensive one.  (Chapter 335: What to do when your 19-month-old tries to boss you around and won't brush his teeth).

Last night after the house was quiet, picked up, and I could begin to reflect on the last few hellish days with Colton, I came to the conclusion that he could even ramp up the naughtiness tenfold and I'd still love him with every fiber in my body.  He is my flesh and blood.  I'm not going to stop loving him even though I briefly thought about enrolling him in toddler boarding school.  I would keep extending him grace time and time again, because he is my son and I love him so much.

Our heavenly father, our most perfect parent, loves us intensely even though not a one of us deserves it. Imagine what we, adult humans, must look like in the eyes of a righteous God.  It's easy for me to look at Colton, shake my head, and remark, "What a toddler!" because I am much more mature than he is.  Imagine what our petty remarks, anger, selfishness and negative attitudes look like to our perfect God.  And yet he loves us so.

And you know what really strikes me?  God loves the wretch right next to you like that, too.  There are a few people in this world that really rub me the wrong way (but only a few...I'm pretty easygoing).  I have to check my attitude sometimes when I start to think that God has to love me more than the irrational, tantrum-throwing adults that I come into contact with.  Not true, Kendra, not true.  So if God is my father and their father, too, it's time to start treating others like the brothers and sisters that they are. (Can you tell that I've been convicted of this recently?)

If His grace is an ocean, we're ALL sinking...