Memorial service video

Because of the length of the service, this is in two parts:



Ryan Prudhomme Celebration Service 1/2 from Grace Adventures on Vimeo.




Ryan Prudhomme Celebration Service 2/2 from Grace Adventures on Vimeo.

My promise to my dying husband

Your smile.

Anytime I think of you, the first thing I see in my mind’s eye is your megawatt smile. Your friendliness, your openness, and your sense of humor, all amplified and highlighted by your toothy, crooked grin.

That grin caught my eye over a decade ago, and ultimately captured my heart. From the first days of our relationship when we were just a couple of love-struck high school students, to the moment you saw me walking down the aisle, to the moment I saw you first lay eyes on your son, to the moment now when I enter your hospital room—your smile melts my heart, Ryan. You still dazzle me.

Life with you has been easy because it has been clear from the start that God uniquely wired us to be together. You challenge me, you sharpen me, you inspire me, and you make me a better person. Your unwavering commitment to the Lord makes my own relationship with Him much richer and more intentional because I have you to look to as an example of what it means to live a life sold out for Christ. Even through the last two years, as we have walked the road of your terminal cancer diagnosis together, life has remained colorful and sweet because our God is gracious to me, and you are one of the three biggest gifts I've received from Him. Salvation and our son are the other two.

On May 13, 2006, I saw your huge smile as I made my way down a short aisle to marry you. And on that day, you and I made a lot of promises to each other. "...from this day forward, I will devote myself to you and our family, second only to God / I commit to loving you, as much during difficult times as well as times of happiness / in victories as well as defeats / All these things I promise to you." 

When I look back, so much has happened in almost seven years and I have realized that it’s time to restate exactly what I promise to you. Life has happened. And as we stare down this monster with hands clasped together and the Lord firmly entrenched behind us, I want to leave no doubt that you know these things.

Ryan Scott Prudhomme, I promise to you that I will cherish your memory as long as I live. Your character, your integrity, your heart for the Lord, and your unshakable faith in Him are all reasons that I, along with many others, will continue to regard you as a most extraordinary person. I admire you more than you could imagine.

Ryan, I promise to you that your son will know you as he grows. Any creative way that I can devise to ensure that he grows up feeling close to you—I plan to do it. Any person that can tell him about your jokes, your idiosyncrasies, your personality traits—I will ensure those people have an avenue to tell your son about his beloved daddy. Regardless of whether you get to parent him for two or twenty or seventy years, I pledge to you my commitment to raise him to know his dad.

I promise to you I will not despair, I will not be broken, and I will somehow, someday, some way again feel joy and peace. During the last two years, I know your first thoughts are usually of me—not of yourself—and you have been far more worried about me and Colton. Your love for me has never been more evident and has helped gird me through some very difficult times. I could never have done this without your faithful prayer and your encouragement, but I’m entering into a new phase where I won’t have the luxury of your nearness. Despite that, I know deep down that I am a person that can shoulder anything, as long as the Lord stands behind me. And He will. I will, with His grace, stand tall and will endure whatever tomorrow brings.  Don't you worry.

My last promise, Ryan, is not a new one—and it’s not a promise to you. It’s a promise to my Lord and Savior. I promise that my trust in the Lord will not be broken, bent, tarnished, punctured, pushed, nor shaken. I have no idea what He is orchestrating. I may not ever know until I am able to question Him in person someday. But I know the character of the One who alone knows the number of our days, He who knew you from the time before you were born and still, to this day, holds you and I in a tight, secure grip. His goodness and his mercy have been the constancy that we have so sorely needed during the last two rollercoaster years.

My darling, I love you more than I could ever have guessed that I would have loved you when you first flashed that unforgettable smile at me in the crowded hallway of our small high school. You are more than just my husband: you’re my best friend, my closest confidant, my sparring partner, my teacher, and my hero. When I close my eyes and think of you, I will always remember the sweet happiness of being perfectly matched to a person that pushed me to be a greater version of my own self.

And I’ll never forget the beautiful smile on your face.

Which always will bring one to my own.

-Kendra

I wrote this letter to Ryan while he was hospitalized at CTCA in March.  After he read it, he strongly encouraged me to release it on our blog when I felt that it was the appropriate time.  We both pray that it is effective in bringing encouragement to those that read this blog.

Photo Credit: Yeoman Photography, Big Rapids, MI

Moving forward

Hello everyone,

Another day in the hospital, and another day closer to going home. We are hoping (please pray with us) that we can bust out of here mid to late next week. Ryan is stable, feeling decent, and taking laps quite often. His doctors are pleased with his physical stamina and his pain tolerance. The immediate goal is to get his GI tract started up again so that he can get the annoying NG tube out of his nose; that is not a lot of fun. However, he has a few hurdles to jump before we break him loose, such as some of his counts normalizing a bit.

We have been blessed by the cards, notes, comments, and gifts that have been sent for us and for Colton. I feel like a broken record, but I just want to reiterate that we are feeling the love. We are so appreciative of all of you, and we feel so girded and supported by our brothers and sisters in Christ. This journey is not easy, but we are glad that we are doing it with you by our side.

We are looking forward to a quiet weekend with lots of March Madness and spring training games. We look at each day to spend together as an absolute gift. Hug your family and enjoy them this weekend and thank God for the blessing of family. Alright? :)

Huge, huge prayer request.

Please put this prayer request out.  We need serious prayer right now.

Ryan's bleeding seemed to change last night - I wouldn't say that the production increased sharply, but the blood that was coming out of his bag was much darker than even earlier in the day yesterday.  We were slightly alarmed, but then this morning his hemoglobin had dropped rather significantly.  There is a team of doctors that was contacted (representing gastroenterology, interventional radiology, radiation, and surgery) that is trying to put a plan in place.  The initial plan sounds like he might have this angiogram and they will go in to look for this "fault" and embolize it to try to stop the bleeding.  This is a total 180 from what we had heard last week.

We are extremely confused and will soon be in a consult with the doctors.  We are asking for wisdom, for God's clear direction, and if Ryan has to have a procedure tonight - PLEASE PRAY FOR SAFETY!  We are extremely concerned.  We will, of course, update this blog as soon as we know anything more.  It may be short, but I'll keep my phone on me to be able to send out information as we gather it.


Psalm 46:1

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.

Short update

Hello friends!

Just a very quick update tonight. Ryan is feeling better, but the GI symptoms are still unresolved. Radiation is supposed to be tomorrow around 1:00 Central time. He was more alert today and he had a grand time ripping on people - his sense of humor never fails him. :)

Alright. I'm exhausted. Good night!

Pray for Dr. Eden!

Hello everyone.

Today has been a pretty calm day.  Ryan hasn't really had any procedures done except for another blood transfusion.  A slight downturn in both hemoglobin (darn) and bilirubin (yay!).  Bili will probably go up again tomorrow as a result of the transfusion but it's trending in the right direction.  It's important for it to go down so that we can do chemo.

Ryan met briefly with Dr. Eden (incredible, Christian radiation oncologist) today to talk about the upcoming IMRT treatments that he will start.  Good news: scans are first thing tomorrow morning and he can probably start radiation Monday, Tuesday or - HOLY COW, that was expedited.  Dr. Eden specifically asked for us to galvanize prayer support on our blog for him and his team.  A LOT hinges on these radiation treatments.  The outcomes that he is hoping for: stop/shrink new tumors and stop the exudative "leaking".  This is an extremely critical piece for Ryan to be able to continue treatment.  Please pray that Dr. Eden's hands will be guided by the Lord - that his team will be able to correctly map the radiation treatments and that the treatments will be effective.

Next steps

Oy.  This has been quite a day for Ryan, talking with lots of nurses and doctors.  As per usual, I am going to be doing bullet points because they help me keep my thoughts straight. :)

• His bleeding has picked back up again slightly. Although there have been some changes and abnormalities in the last 24 hours. It is very important to keep praying that direction, but it hasn't yet happened completely.
• He has another bleeding scan today at 1:30 CST to determine whether or not they will see any active bleeding.
• Doctors are conjecturing that he is having "exudative" bleeding, which would be a tiny leak of bloody fluid seeping from minuscule capillaries.  That type of bleeding would not be picked up on any scan, angiogram, or laparascopic surgery but would still produce a noticeable amount of drainage.  It is not nearly as serious as "active" internal bleeding would be - Ryan's whole system would be shutting down and he would be in a lot worse shape if that were the case.
• His hemoglobin went down a tiny bit and then stabilized and his bilirubin went up a tiny bit (from yesterday).  Although those are not the correct directions, they're minor changes and no one is alarmed. They're both still generally heading in the correct direction.
• So, that brings me to the next steps.  His primary oncologist has consulted with radiation, interventional radiology, and surgery.  The best course of action - Ryan is going to have targeted radiation to specific tumors that will last for five days. After that, the hope is that the new growths will be slowed/killed and then he can start chemo asap.  Everyone is in agreement that chemo needs to happen as fast as possible, but radiation could be the first step to gain some momentum against the cancer's growth.
• Consult for radiation (scans, mapping) should happen tomorrow or Friday.  Please pray for that to happen expeditiously - we are riding them to try to get it done as fast as possible.  He could possibly start radiation in the middle of next week.
• We are all relieved that there are some courses of action, but some hurdles need to be jumped.  Good thing we're all athletic. ;)  And pushy.  No one with the last name of Prudhomme sits back on their laurels.
• We know that many people would like to come and visit.  We have a lot going on right now, and Ryan only has so much energy.  Please direct your inquiries about visiting through Kendra - text me if you have my number, or email me through the form above and I'll get back with you shortly. If circumstances worsen and it becomes necessary for friends and family to travel, we will change our stance on this.  For now, though, it seems best to hold off.

Thank you so, so very much for your prayers.  I cannot reiterate enough how much they are sustaining us.  Today I'd ask you to pray for our sweet little boy.  We are doing our darndest to make sure that his needs are met, but obviously he's so little and he can sense something is up, yet he doesn't understand.  He does know that Daddy has "owies" but we are trying very hard to not alarm him and to keep him feeling safe and sheltered and loved.

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

How to pray for us tonight

Hi there, friends.

I know that a lot of you are getting ready to spend a part of your evening in prayer for us, so we thought we would let you know what we learned today, and how to specifically pray.  There are some IMPORTANT prayer requests here.

• Ryan's bleeding scan showed no active bleeding.  Whether it's because the bleeding stopped (can you say MIRACLE!) or whether it had just stopped momentarily and will start up again, remains to be seen.  (I say - the sky is the limit; let's ask for the miracle.)
• We are going to take a "wait and see" approach for the next few days.  Doctors will be monitoring his hemoglobin, blood pressure, and the output of the paracentesis.  The drainage seems to have slowed down considerably, another good sign.  Blood pressure and hemoglobin have been steady today - yeah!
• If it appears like the bleeding is picking up again, the options are: more bleeding scans, laparascopic surgery to determine where the bleeding is, or the aforementioned angiogram to determine where the bleeding is and try to stop it.
• Ryan is comfortable, and with Steve, Cathey, Ryan, myself, Corey, and Jeremy - we have enough people for three Euchre teams so the competition is heating up and a lot of trash talk is going on.  Okay, in all seriousness, we are praising God for Ryan being able to be surrounded by all of the members of his immediate family.

So, we are certainly not out of the woods yet.  But we so trust in the power of prayer, and we know that our God is listening to the rising multitudes.  We are confident in Him, and we continue to pray that His will would be done.

ROMANS 8: 31-32

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

Prayer session

Hi friends, just wanted to make you aware of this, whether you can join virtually or actually in person, our friend is hosting a prayer session at a church in Hudsonville:

Hudsonville Reformed Church
3950 Highland Dr, 
Hudsonville, Michigan 49426-1955
7:30 p.m. - 8:30 p.m.

Here is the link to the Facebook event, which is public.

Another day in Zion

Hello everyone! We are very grateful for your prayer overnight. It helped sustain us.

Jeremy is here. He arrived this morning at O'Hare. We are so glad that he was able to leave work and be here with his brother. Corey was here yesterday but has an internship today. Colton is pumped to be with his uncles and his daddy and Papa. Mama and Grandma are okay in a pinch. Colton's morning has largely consisted of playing games on his iPad and running sprints up and down a quiet hallway.

We still don't know what this day brings. The angiogram has not been scheduled yet. We will update again when we know a specific time and we are asking for a prayer assault when that is scheduled. Stay tuned.

Give thanks to the Lord , for he is good; his love endures forever. Let Israel say: “His love endures forever.” Let the house of Aaron say: “His love endures forever.” Let those who fear the Lord say: “His love endures forever.” When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord ; he brought me into a spacious place. The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. (Psalm 118:1-6a NIV)

Update #3

Here we are. So happy to be together.

The good piece of news tonight: there is no bleeding in the GI tract. The bleeding is likely from the tumor sites. We will know more information tomorrow. So grateful for your prayers and your overwhelming support. We feel your prayers and are much encouraged by your emails, comments, and Facebook messages.

We love you all!

Update 2 from Monday March 4th

I now have a bleeding scan scheduled for today! This is good news as it is the first step towards the angiogram. They will use nuclear Medicine to determine the source of the bleeding.

Please pray for the Dr's to find an obvious easy to access easy to treat tumor!

We will keep you posted with updates as they come. I don't thinks its an accident that 10 minutes after I asked for prayer the first step started to happen.

My biggest prayer request for you ever!

It has been a very tough morning. I met with a couple of doctors this morning, mine and the gastroenterologist. Their consensus was things were a lot more serious. The bleeding seems to be come from one of the small newer tumors on the lobe of the liver. It is still probably "seeping" fluid.

The real problem is they HAVE to identify the source of the fluid. They think they know. They're talking with other Dr's about whether to do an angiogram to discover the source and then hopefully coagulate the tumor. The instrument has to get far enough up into the tumor in order to do that. 

THOSE THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN, FIND THE BLOOD SOURCE, COAGULATE IT!

There are not strong odds for a successful procedure. 

Once the doctors decide to move forward, then there are still no guarantees. 

If they can stop the blood we're back in business. Work on getting my counts right and pursue treatment again. If they can't complete the procedure there are no more options. The blood will continue to leak into my body and after a while my organs will slowly start to shut down. 

This is the scary option. The Dr's said the don't honestly expect me to leave this hospital, and once the organs start to go it will be "sooner than later". 

Another slim but possible scenario is the tumor clots up on its own. This probably would've happened it it was going to but that's man's timing not God's. 

I won't lie and say I'm not scared. I was doing fine as I found out and was able to ask questions and keep it together. However once I started calling family members it became much more difficult. I felt like I was the one inflicting their pain. I know it wasn't me, but I felt like it was my fault.

I love God passionately and unashamedly. He is my all in all. My redeemer. This is still no more out of his hands than anything else I've faced so far. 

How can you help?

Kendra and Colton and my mom are headed down tonight to be together with us. Pray for safe travels. 

There are so many types of people grieving this right now, mother, father, wife, son, brothers, introverts, extroverts, .etc. Please pray we would have the Grace from God to deal with whatever news comes our way. That we would all lean on him in obedience and find our peace and joy and hope in him.

Pray for the Angiogram!!! That it would happen. That doctor's hands would be guided by Holy Angels to direct them. That they would find the source, get where they need to go, and stop the bleeding of this tumor!

Pray for Kendra and I as we may be living in two worlds more dramatically sooner than we expected. A foot in the strong possibility of fate, and a foot in the eternal and guaranteed promise of hope.

Pray for God's will to be done above all. Not my selfish will to be alive, but God's will regardless of how it affects me. He is Lord of Lord.

Please forward this blog to as many people as you can. The more people calling on God's name for His will to be done, the more please our Father will be. 

I and we are going to choose to glorify God no matter what happens. We have done that since April 1st, 2011. God is sovereign and we will live every moment purposefully trying to serve him. 

Day three of my internment... I mean being admitted...

Oh, where to begin?

I'll try to give you a succinct update but there have been so many things that have arisen, changed, are very detailed, or are still up in the air that it is hard for me to remember all the details and the timeline. What else is new right? I've been on a steady stream of Dilaudid as well so that my have something to do with it. But I'm very happy. :-)

We were discharged on Thursday from CTCA to go home and immediately get admitted on Friday. Doctors at CTCA were worried about some of my blood count numbers, liver enzymes and proteins, and a few other medical indicators. They were also concerned about the source of the fluid that has been draining consistently from my abdomen since Thursday. If you saw me in Pennsylvania while I was teaching Monday through Tuesday I probably looked pretty "puffy" in the belly region. No I don't have a beer belly, it was just a lot of fluid accumulating.

So we tried to get admitted back home and long story short the hospital wouldn't admit us with out checking us through ER first. Once in ER they determined they were underqualified to deal with my case. I could have transferred to Grand Rapids a much larger hospital but we felt more comfortable just heading back to Chicago, where my doctors who know me, know my case, and have all the experience you could imagine with complicated cancers.

My dad and I got into Chicago around 8:00 EST. After checking in (they were waiting for me) it was a matter of 20-30 minutes before I was admitted. The gave me two units of blood Friday night. However they didn't start until around midnight and at about 2.5 hours per unit. I spent a lot of my night getting woken up by nurses who were just doing their job, so I hold no grudges, it was just a long night.

Yesterday and today the focus has been on getting my counts back higher which they appear to be doing. My hemoglobin has risen by 2 points, and my biliruben has dropped by 1.5 points. Other liver enzymes and proteins appear to be normal or close to normal. The fluid draining has seemed to slow down a little bit, however there is still a lot of blood in it which is concerning for the Dr.'s.

One of the priorities for the Dr.'s tomorrow is going to be trying to discern the source of the leaking. They seem to think it might be the tumor close to the colon. If this is true that colon is "weeping" or "seeping" fluid which is not abnormal. The good news is the chemo we're looking at starting if effective should really attack the fluid discharge from the tumor. So treatment might start soon!

Really I don't know much more at this time other than my counts seem to be improving and there are many doctors coordinating on my case. They will all meet tomorrow sometime to put the plan together. Once we have that information, hopefully we'll know rough timeframes for how long we might be here, what the severity is, and how we're going to attack it.

Kendra and I are doing relatively well. The medical part is very difficult for Kendra, however the separation might be the most difficult. I'm staying very positive about my prognosis, and view this as a speed bump. However, an indefinite stay at a hospital (no matter how amazing and incredible it is) is not my idea of how to spend my time. I've had to cancel a couple speaking engagements that I was really excited about. They were, of course, very gracious.

Please pray for my family and my extended family. There are many, many unknowns and as we've experienced things can change so fast either to the good or to the bad. What we take peace, confidence, and joy in, is that my God, the God who created me for His purposes is running the show and calling the shots. I've had a number of opportunities to share my faith, encourage others, and be a light to those around me. Pray for more opportunities.

Feel free to send notes of encouragement and scripture. It is such a blessing to hear from others. Just as an FYI, you can comment below (you do not have to have a google account), or you can click "Contact Us" up above and that goes straight to our email.

On the road again

Headed back to Chicago. Many different questions still unanswered. Felt like Chicago was our best option. They are the best and know me the best. Please pray for answers. Pray specifically we can find the source of the fluid building in my stomach. This is very important. We will keep you posted. Right now it's my dad and I headed down. Pray for my whole family for peace wisdom and grace. Thank you.

More questions than answers

Hello.

Sigh.

I really don't even know where to begin.

Today has been so hard.  Could it have been worse?  Yes.  Was it what we were hoping for?  No.  Was it what we were expecting?  Yes and no.

I could go into a really long and drawn out explanation and tell you about all of the times that opinions and plans have been changed today, but I'll spare you.  Essentially, there are some big hurdles that we have to overcome in Ryan's journey, and here they are:

• The theraspheres did what they were supposed to do! But...
• Ryan's cancer has advanced in other areas.  There are new lesions on his liver, near his colon, and in his pelvis...
• ...but he isn't experiencing pain nearly to the level that he would with so many lesions, so there are questions as to whether all of these masses are truly cancer, or are they something else?  (Blood? Infection?)
• Ryan is starting to present with ascites (LOTS of it), but when he was drained, the fluid was mostly blood...
• which leads us to the question: from where is this blood coming?  Is he bleeding internally?  His doctor has never seen this from a Theraspheres patient.
• His bloodwork also brought some concern.  His electrolytes are out of whack.  His bilirubin is creeping up, which we are seeing in the color of his eyes and his face.

All of these problems and questions are leading to the conclusion: Ryan has to be admitted to have further testing and to get his counts stabilized.  We are able to do this in Muskegon, so once he is done getting a magnesium infusion, we will hit the road.  Long, long day.  No chemo today.  Hopefully we will start treatment next week as soon as this all settles down.

We so appreciate your prayer and concern and we desperately need more prayer for wisdom as we attempt to navigate all of these new developments.

Please pray!

Hello friends, I just wanted to remind you that Ryan is going to be doing scans tomorrow. We are nervous about these, due to some recent side effects. Please pray for peace, no matter the outcome.

I love the Lord , for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came over me; I was overcome by distress and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord : “ Lord , save me!” The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the unwary; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. For you, Lord , have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living. (Psalm 116:1-9 NIV)

Updates, thanksgiving, and prayer request.

Hello blog readers,

I know that we have been noticeably silent on here lately.  And I literally have about ten minutes to update our blog before we race off to the next thing, so here is a bulleted list (I know, LAME) of what is new with us:

• Ryan is en route to Pennsylvania (as I write this) to speak at the Christian Camps and Conference Association Allegheny Sectional.
• Please be in prayer for him as he speaks.  He's feeling better, but has been battling a cold/cough for the last two weeks and when he gets into a coughing fit, it's kind of ugly.  It will not be easy for him to teach three workshops while he's got a serious tickle in his throat.
• I have started a new job at the Muskegon Area ISD.  Less drive time (woot!) and it is a counseling job.  It was sad to leave Grand Haven but I'm very excited to be doing what I'm doing, counseling students and working with the staff at the Career Tech Center.  Loving it!  I am so thankful to be doing exactly what I've always wanted to do in education, which is to be a counselor - but it has made me BUSY!
• We are in the final stages (inspections, etc.) of purchasing a new home and will hopefully be moving in a few weeks.  In case you were wondering what Ryan's big, exciting news was on Facebook a couple of weeks ago - there you have it!  We are hopefully/probably moving (barring any unforeseen problems) to the southeast side of New Era - I'm actually pretty surprised that it's not a Rothbury address.  Please pray for the sale of our current home.  If you are handy and would like to help with a few minor projects that we need to do, feel free to let us know. :)  Or if you have an overabundance of brawn and would like to help us move, that would also be most appreciated!
• We are on our way to Chicago this week (Wednesday/Thursday) to do scans and start a new chemo regimen.  We are slightly nervous about the outcome, given that there was a tumor that was growing at the last scans and we haven't had the chance yet to do anything to treat that tumor.  So we are hopeful that that is not doing too much, and we are grateful to start systemic therapy again that can target ALL of the cancer.  As always, prayer is much appreciated for that.
• Ryan is deeply involved with the writing of his letters to Colton, the book project that he and Larry Leech are working collaboratively on.  We are actually to the point where we could send sample chapters and the proposal to publishers, so that could use some major prayer.
• Colton is doing awesome and we are starting to actually think about PRESCHOOL - crazy that he could enter this fall.  We are going to hold off (we think) for another year, but it is just insane to be thinking about such things.  Wasn't he just born last week?  I guess not, seeing as how he's talking in crazy long sentences, singing, using his imagination, and cracking jokes.  I just love that boy!
• Please be in prayer for Ryan's recent symptoms, which could still be after effects of the two therasphere treatments that he did in November and January.  Fatigue, lack of appetite, and increased bilirubin levels have been the main culprits.
• Ryan just celebrated his 27th birthday three days ago!  27!  We love that number but we love 28 much, much more.  Please keep praying for Ryan to see as many birthday candles on top of a cake as possible.
• And in case you were wondering, Tigers individual game tickets go on sale March 2nd.  I'm ridiculously excited for that date to come.  We have missed baseball around here and hope to get to a few more games this year!

Well there you have it, the major update of what is going on around here.  Please know that we love you all, and we love hearing from you.  We are grateful for your prayer support and covet it in the next week especially.as we head into scans.

2 Corinthians 4: 7-18

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Another roadblock (sigh)

Dear family and friends,

I'm sure many of you are anxious to hear how things turned out with Ryan today. Well, as things have happened so many times in this long and arduous journey, we have mixed news to bring you.

Today Ryan received his second theraspheres treatment, and it was pretty uneventful. Like he was at Thanksgiving, he will be sore and sick for a few days. We might even actually be expecting jaundice and pain and other symptoms that totally threw us for a loop the last time and landed him in the ER twice in two days. He and his dad are on their way home right now from Zion and Ryan is doing just fine.

The prayer request part of this blog post is this: the tumor that we had mentioned in our previous blog post as a concern is now a major concern. Ryan has a tumor that is growing near the center of his liver that is not normal. It does not get its blood supply from the blood vessels that go to the liver; it is being supplied by blood vessels that supply his large intestine. What this means is that the treatment he has been receiving (theraspheres) is not going to be effective for that tumor whatsoever.

What does this fully mean? We are not sure yet. All that we know is that our doctors are not sure yet how to proceed and there is not a plan in place. There probably won't be a plan in place for a week or more. While this won't necessarily slow down treatment - Ryan will have to take a couple of weeks off after this radiation anyway - you all probably know how INCREDIBLY patient we Prudhommes are and how much we like to wait around for decisions to be made.

We will update you when we have more details. I really hate to leave you guys with more questions than answers but truly, we are in the same situation. We love you and continue to covet your prayers.

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord , 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'"

Psalm 91:1-2

My fear for our son

That precious face is my pride and joy.

That little two-year-old makes me alternately want to scream in frustration and yet also in exultation at his accomplishments.  He makes me laugh, and I shed tears over him often.  I spend much of my time thinking about his character, his integrity, his heart, his future, his needs, his happiness, and his hurts.

I also spend a lot of time thinking about how he could lose his father.

And I just can't imagine what it would be like to grow up like that.  I had both of my parents - still do.  All of my friends growing up were children of two-parent families.  I have no frame of reference for what it is like to be raised as the only child of a single parent.  And to suffer the excruciating loss of a parent at an early age...no, I cannot identify with that whatsoever.

You see, I have come to a certain level of acceptance of what the possibility of Ryan's death could mean for me.  I know in my head - no matter what is ahead of me tomorrow, I will have abounding grace to tackle it.  Whether that is the weariness of being a cancer caretaker for many, many years, or the heartache of burying the love of my life - I know that somehow, some way - I will endure that.

But the thing is, I am in my late twenties.  I have been a Christian long enough and I have been in this situation long enough to know that God will sustain me through any pain that might be in store.

But that sweet boy that is pictured above - he doesn't know that yet.

And likely, I will be one of the major people in his life to introduce him to this concept of contentment despite heartache, and commitment to God through any circumstances.

Gulp.  No pressure, ya know?

Ultimately, I'm afraid for my son and his future.  I'm afraid he might grow up bitter if he loses his dad.  I'm afraid that he will always feel an aching and a profound sense of loss that no male relative or family friend will ever be able to begin to ease.  And I'm afraid for myself - how would I ever provide for my son's emotional and spiritual needs?  What if I fail my son?

What if I fail my husband and his expectations for our son's upbringing?

"God is an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling." Psalm 68:5

As much as my head can start spinning when I consider all of the possible outcomes and all of my shortcomings as a mother (and a person in general), I have to just stop.  STOP.

My God is sufficient.  For me.  For my husband.  For my son.

For you.

And - deep breath - no matter what is in store, God is going to support me (us), hold me (us) upright, gird me (us), and defend me (us).

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

3     he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

    for his name’s sake.

4 Even though I walk

    through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

    for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me

    in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

    my cup overflows.

6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me

    all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

    forever.

Thank you, God, for being enough for me.  For Ryan.  For Colton.

Thank you for protecting all three of us.  And I know you will continue to, no matter what lies ahead.