Living Life in High Definition

Last night I found the link to this video of Ryan from December 2010, four months before he was diagnosed with cancer.  In the video, he recounts a story from the previous day in which I had nearly been in a car accident.  He also begins to define what living in high definition meant to him.

Ryan's message of trusting God, appreciating what really matters, and living a life intentionally for the sake of the kingdom of Christ - that message began when he was small, continued to be refined when he got older, and was burnished when he was diagnosed with cancer.  This video brings me joy because I was reminded that Ryan was not only someone special when he had cancer - he was uniquely formed by God to be a mouthpiece for His glory from the very beginning.  Cancer just gave him a megaphone with which to shout God's praises.

Tick Tock when will the clock run out?

Tomorrow is a big day for me again. I promise I won't get all sentimental every time an "anniversary" rolls around. However tomorrow will be exactly one year since I was told I wouldn't live "another year"! It's also Colton's birthday, but I don't want to talk about cancer at all tomorrow. So we're going to celebrate one year today, and two years (with Colton) tomorrow.

Being told you have one year to live changes your life. You'll never go back to the old way. Every day over the last year I've had it run through my mind, "how much time do I have?" It is inescapable that I have a ticking time clock running over my head.

When I try to plan, I think about how much time I have.

When I enjoy a special moment or holiday, I wonder if I'll get to do it again?

When I hear people talk about the future, I wonder if I'll be around?

When I think about my family, I wonder if I'll get to raise them?

Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick.

The clock never stops ticking in my mind.

This can do two things to you. It can cripple you, depress you, and paralyze you. It can also motivate, reorient, and focus you. It has done the second for me (most of the time).

This year has been a year of enjoying moments, holidays, experiences, and life more than ever before. I'm not perfect but I've gotten a lot better and not wasting time and see what time I have left as an investment.

I think there are a couple reasons why I'm still around.

1. God's Grace
2. Prayer of the saints
3. Modern medicine combined with age old practices
4. A dogged determination to stay positive

Most of this journey has been out of my control. However the difference between being paralyzed and prioritized is simple.

I choose!

I choose to live life to the fullest.

I'm one year closer to death than a year ago. So are you! Don't wait until some stranger with a title behind his name tells you to wake up and take life seriously. I have a terminal diagnosis, and so do you.

This last year has been the most difficult year of my life. It's also been the best. Living daily more dependent upon God than ever has radically redefined who I am.

Romans 14:8
If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

Thank you for the meals, the prayers, the gifts, the love, the hugs, the help, the cards, the comments, the laundry, the house cleaning, the support of my family, child care, vehicle repairs, support at work, at church, help mowing the lawn, taking care of horses, house work, yard work, the rodeo, and so so much more. Thank you to my family, my friends, and my new friends (who I have never met) on this blog. Thank you for reading and encouraging us. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for an amazing year! You are all so important to us and we'll never be able to tell you how much you've meant to us.

I'm so grateful for this past year, and I can't wait to see what God is going to do in the coming year. What would it look like if we all surrendered our lives to Christ and lived life to the fullest in High Definition?

Unity Fest

In case you hadn't heard the news, Ryan is going to be speaking at Unity Fest in Muskegon this coming Friday at five pm. He was asked to last week after a speaker canceled and they needed to fill a spot. One of the organizers had heard our story recently and really felt led to ask Ryan. Ry is very excited! This is a huge honor and opportunity for him. He is going to be sharing on what it looks like to live life in high definition.

If you're interested in listening, tickets are $20 but that will get you into the entire festival all day long. The Newsboys are playing at 9:15 that night too, and Grace Adventures runs "Camp Unity" for kids - lots of fun. Hope to see some people there!

The Bible finally makes sense...

Have you ever heard something in the Bible that just didn't make any sense to you? I hope I'm not the only one. One verse that used to do it to me was;

Philippians 1:21, For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

These last couple of months I have had to seriously contemplate when my time on this earth may end. It is scary, surreal, and unsettling to think about these things. Something has also gotten my attention that is exciting.

People ask us all the time how we're doing. My response is that it has been the best two months of my left and the worst two months. I love to tell people though about why it has been the best. One reason is that Kendra and I are convinced that God is powerfully and actively at work around us. Something BIG is happening right now. We're seeing signs of things that tell us an incredible thing is about to happen. We both feel like it is still building, getting bigger, like the crescendo of a song. We don't know what it is or what it looks like. We do know it's God-sized and God-led.

We get to be front and center to all of this. We're on the front row watching the fantastic narrative unfold. To be completely honest with you, I don't know at what level God is planning on using me in this process. God at work in our lives gives us great hope, not necessarily that God would heal me, but that He is using me through this.

Which brings me back to the verse.

Philippians 1:21, For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

It always seemed backwards to me. If you die, then you're with Christ. Any extra time He gives you on this earth seemed like gain. Any time to spend with your family, enjoying life, growing old, all of that just seemed like a bonus to me (a bonus I still am desiring).

I was looking at it wrong however. I feel like if God saves me from this cancer, then to live is to be able to share Christ more with all those around me. To tell the great story of who He is and what He has done in my life. To live is to be Christ's ambassador to those around me.

To die is gain. I've told a couple people that I come out smelling like roses no matter what God decided to do with my body. To die is gain. Meaning I'll be in a better place than on this earth. No suffering.  No pain.

A couple months ago before all this happened I told Kendra I feel overwhelmed when I think of everything God has in store for me to accomplish. I still feel that way. I don't know when I will leave, none of us do. I do know that;

Philippians 1:6, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Like I said, Kendra and I don't know what God is doing, but it is HUGE. He will complete it. We're so excited to be a part of it, and to see what it is.

We are HOME!

Ahh, what a good place to be! Our humble little house has never looked so good...literally. My awesome in-laws had someone come clean our house top to bottom and it hasn't looked so good since the day we moved in. I'm talented in a lot of areas, but deep cleaning is not one of them. :)

Ryan is doing really well. He's tired and has been hiccuping most of the day, which I learned from a quick Google search is a very typical side effect of one of his chemo drugs, and also anti-nausea meds. He's super tired right now at 7 p.m. and he keeps falling asleep, but the nausea hasn't set in...yet. We'll wait and see what tonight and tomorrow bring.

Colton has been in a fabulous mood ever since we got home. "MY TOYS! MY BED! MY TUPPERWARE DRAWER! MY DAD'S DRESSER, WHERE I CAN PULL ALL OF HIS CLOTHES OUT!" Thanks for praying for this little guy, he had a very good ride home and there really wasn't much protesting, and even two naps!

It is looking like a reality that we will be able to be home for about three weeks, and maybe even go back to work for some of that time (YAY! I miss my students and coworkers so much). Ryan has dr. appointments and chemotherapy treatment next week again, but the following week (May 9-13), I think we might be able to work a pretty full week since he has no treatment! Colton will be so excited to play with his daycare buddies and see Miss Rene and Miss April. And I know that Grace Adventures will be glad to get their marketing director back whenever they can. Ryan and I (and Steve & Cathey too, for that matter) are so blessed to have jobs where we do. Our employers have both been so incredibly supportive of us up and leaving for three weeks and delegating responsibilities. It has been such a relief to know that we are able to concentrate on Ryan's well-being at this time and make that our top priority.

Thought for the day:

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” WHY, YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” James 4:13-15

If something in your life were to happen and everything changed in one day, or even in the blink of an eye - is your life focused where it should be? Are you serving and cherishing the people around you? Are you focused on what's important? Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Tomorrow will be four weeks since we got the phone call from University of Chicago that flipped our world upside down, and we were not expecting that sort of news in the least. I picked up the phone when Ryan called me as I was pulling in our driveway, and I immediately started chattering at him about something that I thought was terribly significant at that moment - how I was frustrated with somebody. Then in the space of about 20 seconds, that frustration was totally unimportant. Since that day, Ryan and I have taken a hard look at where we spend our energy. We decided to stop arguing about things that don't matter, and to focus more on serving the other person than serving ourselves (which we should have been doing the last five years of marriage, I know). An extensive addition to our house this fall, which was a huge priority of mine, seems much less important (plus also totally unrealistic). I have made a conscious decision to stop putting energy into situations or relationships that don't need or deserve my attention, and to start investing more in things that matter - the people that care about me, especially my son, my husband, and my Lord and Savior. Church. Ministry. Impacting people for Christ. Ya know, these are really the only things that matter.

This is what high definition means - seeing the important aspects of life clearly. Are you living in high definition or are you still stuck in standard definition?

Vanity of Vanities

You might be wondering where the title of our blog came from. A couple years ago I met a gentleman at a camp conference. He was diagnosed with stage four cancer and had battled for so much longer than he should have. Dale spent some time talking with me processing about what it is like to live with a major medical disease. His wisdom and grace was so encouraging. Later that conference Dale spoke to the entire conference and talked about his journey. About halfway through he said,

"Though we're walking through the valley of the shadow of death, & there's monkeys and dragons on the sides of that valley trying to distract us & rob us of our joy, as we abide in Him every day, every day is filled with joy. This moment right here is filled with peace, fellowship, & rejoicing-every day is lived in high-def."

The last couple weeks Kendra and I feel like we have been living life in high definition. The glory of God has never been clearer, His hand has never been more evident, and our marriage more sweet. We are riding a tidal wave of God's grace and the prayers of saints and friends.


I was reading Ecclesiastes this morning and it made more sense than ever. Solomon talks about how futile all his efforts were to satisfy his own soul. He tried wealth, building cities, women, everything and in the end nothing satisfied. It is all vanity to him. At the end of chapter 2 however Solomon comes around and explains living in High Definition.

Ecclesiastes 2:24-25  A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?

This is vastly different from the old saying, "eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die". Solomon's goal is to enjoy every day for it is given by God who gives good gifts. How much time do we waste worrying about life's insignificant trials? The assignment at work, the jerk on the highway, getting laid off at work, not getting the raise you expected. We waste time and energy focusing on these things. Kendra and I feel like we have been stripped of everything insignificant. Our focus is on Christ, and then each other and our family. We are committed to taking advantage of every moment we have, such as to appreciate each other or share the truth with a stranger.


What are you wasting your time and energy on? Better yet, are you intimidated and awestruck by the Glory of God the Creator of heaven and earth? If you are everything else will pale in comparison to dwelling in His presence.