Friday, April 13, 2012

Tick Tock when will the clock run out?

Tomorrow is a big day for me again. I promise I won't get all sentimental every time an "anniversary" rolls around. However tomorrow will be exactly one year since I was told I wouldn't live "another year"! It's also Colton's birthday, but I don't want to talk about cancer at all tomorrow. So we're going to celebrate one year today, and two years (with Colton) tomorrow.

Being told you have one year to live changes your life. You'll never go back to the old way. Every day over the last year I've had it run through my mind, "how much time do I have?" It is inescapable that I have a ticking time clock running over my head.

When I try to plan, I think about how much time I have.

When I enjoy a special moment or holiday, I wonder if I'll get to do it again?

When I hear people talk about the future, I wonder if I'll be around?

When I think about my family, I wonder if I'll get to raise them?

Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick.

The clock never stops ticking in my mind.

This can do two things to you. It can cripple you, depress you, and paralyze you. It can also motivate, reorient, and focus you. It has done the second for me (most of the time).

This year has been a year of enjoying moments, holidays, experiences, and life more than ever before. I'm not perfect but I've gotten a lot better and not wasting time and see what time I have left as an investment.

I think there are a couple reasons why I'm still around.

1. God's Grace
2. Prayer of the saints
3. Modern medicine combined with age old practices
4. A dogged determination to stay positive

Most of this journey has been out of my control. However the difference between being paralyzed and prioritized is simple.

I choose!

I choose to live life to the fullest.

I'm one year closer to death than a year ago. So are you! Don't wait until some stranger with a title behind his name tells you to wake up and take life seriously. I have a terminal diagnosis, and so do you.

This last year has been the most difficult year of my life. It's also been the best. Living daily more dependent upon God than ever has radically redefined who I am.

Romans 14:8
If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

Thank you for the meals, the prayers, the gifts, the love, the hugs, the help, the cards, the comments, the laundry, the house cleaning, the support of my family, child care, vehicle repairs, support at work, at church, help mowing the lawn, taking care of horses, house work, yard work, the rodeo, and so so much more. Thank you to my family, my friends, and my new friends (who I have never met) on this blog. Thank you for reading and encouraging us. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for an amazing year! You are all so important to us and we'll never be able to tell you how much you've meant to us.

I'm so grateful for this past year, and I can't wait to see what God is going to do in the coming year. What would it look like if we all surrendered our lives to Christ and lived life to the fullest in High Definition?


Anonymous said...

I was told on Oct. 10, 2010 by my Oncology team we would "push" for 2 years - you have discribed in this blog exactly how I feel "tick, tick, tick". When they gave me the news with tears in their eyes I smiled at them & said don't worry it will all be ok, I don't want you to be sad - they said it's ok to cry, to be angry, to be pissed off... I continued to smile & said you all can tell me I have 2 years but only God knows when "my" time is up & I will continue to keep my life in his hands.
I wish for you a long & happy life with your beautiful family & friends.
Thank you for sharing your journey & for helping me not be so afraid.
Juanita Gee

Anonymous said...

Pray everyday for you Ryan & your family. Reading these blogs inspires me to be a better person. Thanks for sharing. Lynette p

Ryan said...

Juanita what a joy we have in the Hope of Christ! While we feel the pressure we also feel the peaces that only comes from Him! Thanks for sharing your story. It's always encouraging to hear others going through the journey as well.

Thanks for the encouragement too!