I'm Ornery

This week has been a great week. I'm not sure why. Even though I've felt up and down physically, I've had a deep sense of joy, peace, and fulfillment for a little over two weeks. I keep walking around just feeling so blessed and overwhelmed by what God has provided for me. Whether I was at a conference in San Diego, or sitting with my family reading books or watching movies, or having a couple really great days at work; I've emotionally and spiritually been in a great place the last couple weeks.

It's been wonderful.

Now I'm ornery! Why? I just found out today that we're going to be getting scans on December 26th. We knew they were coming but hadn't been able to pinpoint the date. Now I know, I'll be driving to a hospital to get scans and go through my least favorite part of this journey... on Christmas Day.

I'm not usually one who gets too hung up on holidays having to be celebrated on a certain day. For some reason this just isn't sitting well with me. I've been having the best time with my family ever lately and I am so excited for a little more quality time over Christmas. The last thing of all time I want to do is drive to Chicago to go to a hospital.

I'm so mad that Colton is going to spend Christmas night in a hotel. This combined with insomnia lately and not feeling too great today physically, have all led to me being a grouch tonight.

Here's the worse part. I'm mad about losing quality time with my family, and my response was to be a grump to my family???!!!!

What's wrong with me?

Can you relate to this one at all? Why is it that we often take out our frustrations on the people we love the most who may have nothing to do with the circumstances?

There's a lot of things I hate about cancer. I hate how it steals things from my life. I hate how it makes me feel violated and robbed. It intrudes into areas that I've tried to protect and keep "normal". I can't hide anything from it. Two summers ago we were blessed to spend a week at an incredible Lodge that friends allowed us to vacation at. Instead of totally relaxing, I was puking my guts out and had my worst cycle yet. Again, all I wanted was family time, instead I got more cancer crap!

Cancer invades like a plague. It looms over every part of your life. Like a dense fog that overtakes everything in its path, sometimes you just can't avoid it.

Sometimes it just plain makes you ornery, and that's okay. To be ornery. Unless you're a stepford wife or a robot, you're going to have emotions. What do you do with them though?

Ephesians 4:26

²⁶ “In your anger do not sin”...

I crossed the line when I took things out on my family. Emotions are powerful. The same high I've been riding the last couple weeks was just as emotionally driven as the low I experienced today. If we rely solely on our emotions we'll either think too highly of our selves or before too long we'll come crashing down to reality.

It's God's truth that we must cling to so that our emotions don't betray us.

One of my favorite ways to praise God is to remember the names of God. My grandmother taught me this.

ELOHIM......Genesis 1:1, Psalm 19:1 meaning "God", a reference to God's power and might.
ADONAI......Malachi 1:6 meaning "Lord", a reference to the Lordship of God.
JEHOVAH--YAHWEH.....Genesis 2:4 a reference to God's divine salvation.
JEHOVAH-MACCADDESHEM.......Exodus 31:13 meaning "The Lord thy sanctifier"
JEHOVAH-ROHI......Psalm 23:1 meaning "The Lord my shepherd"
JEHOVAH-SHAMMAH.......Ezekiel 48:35 meaning "The Lord who is present"
JEHOVAH-RAPHA.........Exodus 15:26 meaning "The Lord our healer"
JEHOVAH-TSIDKENU......Jeremiah 23:6 meaning "The Lord our righteousness"
JEHOVAH-JIREH.........Genesis 22:13-14 meaning "The Lord will provide"
JEHOVAH-NISSI.........Exodus 17:15 meaning "The Lord our banner"
JEHOVAH-SHALOM........Judges 6:24 meaning "The Lord is peace"
JEHOVAH-SABBAOTH......Isaiah 6:1-3 meaning "The Lord of Hosts"
JEHOVAH-GMOLAH........Jeremiah 51:6 meaning "The God of Recompense"
EL-ELYON..............Genesis 14:17-20,Isaiah 14:13-14 meaning "The most high God
EL-ROI................Genesis 16:13 meaning "The strong one who sees"
EL-SHADDAI............Genesis 17:1,Psalm 91:1 meaning "The God of the mountains or God Almighty"
EL-OLAM...............Isaiah 40:28-31 meaning "The everlasting God"

(taken from http://www.smilegodlovesyou.org/names.html)

Regardless of how I feel, when I remind myself of who the God I serve is, my faith is encouraged.

Regardless of where I will spend my evening Christmas night, or what tests, stress, and anxiety await me the next day, my God is still; the God of the mountains, the Lord my shepherd, and the everlasting God!

Good news, bad news, who cares?

Wow, what a couple days. I have been feeling great lately. Excited about what God is doing through me, physically strong, almost forgetting at times what I'm dealing with. Yet this appointment loomed over my head the whole time. An appointment so important and yet not that important to me at all. You see if we'd have gotten good news, we'd be happy, but that wouldn't mean I'm healed. If we had gotten bad news, we be upset, but that wouldn't have meant I'm hopeless either.

We got good news. I almost expected this. However I also expected every other time I've gone into one of these make or break doctor appointments that they would say there been a mistake, something's wrong, what was there isn't there anymore. We don't know what happened but the cancer is gone. You're completely healed. Furthermore you no longer have your liver disease as well. You're purified.

I didn't get that kind of good news. The doc said the cancer has stabilized. It's not growing or spreading. He is very excited about this. So early in the treatment process this is all that could have happened. I look healthy in all other areas. They'll wait 3 cycles now before we do more tests. The doctor was very pleased.

I didn't get nervous until half way through the X-men movie my dad and I were at yesterday. I had gotten into the movie so much I almost forgot what was looming. Then a line, a shot, something sparked me and jerked me back to reality. I hadn't even been nervous until that point. Something about the surreality or the movie, and the reality of this cancer caused that realization to hit me hard. It was still 3 hours until I would find out the results of this test and I was officially nervous.

Even as the doctor was saying the words about the update I had a hard time believing him. While I was hopeful I was also scared. I didn't know if I was finally getting good news in this process. I kept waiting for the bad news to come. It didn't. I didn't know how to react. I think I was relieved. There wasn't an instant emotional response. This is not the end of the race, we have merely gotten a piece of good news in the midst of a marathon. I'm not cured yet. However this is a significantly positive sign. One that needs to be celebrated. Why didn't my heart prick up?

The same reason why my heart didn't prick up at this news, is the same reason my heart isn't devastated at bad news. My peace, joy, and happiness are not dependent on my circumstances. They are dependent on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Even though I was anxious about the results, I still felt peace that God is in control and He is able to heal me. I also feel peace about if God chooses not to heal me, that God is in control and that must have been the best option available. I pray that he uses me exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ask or imagine in my life now and after He should choose to heal me. I know that if He chooses not to heal me, He will still use me exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ask or imagine.

The valleys are less deep, the mountaintop experiences are less significant. They are still sweet and cherished. However I don't need them to sustain me, I'm sustained. It's more constant. No matter what God allows me to endure or chooses to bless me with, my faith will not change. My hope, peace, and joy come from knowing and being known by God. To be known by the creator, who can understand that? So no matter what I should face or be told, no news or circumstance can ever rob me of my hope, peace, and joy!