Happy birthday, dear Ryan, happy birthday to you

Today we remember you, Ryan.  Your fire, energy, drive, passion, love for family, and above all, utmost devotion to your Savior.

To remember him on today, his 29th birthday, I asked some of Ryan's closest family members and friends to tell me why they are thankful for his years with us, and what they miss.

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"Ryan was a great friend. He always did the right thing, because it was the right thing to do.  I looked up to him for it and respected the man he was.  He put his faith, family, and friends first and did it with dignity. I listened to him speak in my patrol car  on the radio one day, and I'll never forget the topic: 'living your legacy'.  He was discussing the importance of thinking about your legacy as you live your life. It was as if an angel was talking to me at that very instant, telling me to think about how I will be remembered, about living my own legacy.  I think about that day often and will never forget it.  Also, about one month after Ryan passed away, I could not sleep and was restless. I had just separated from my girlfriend and was stressed from work. When I fell asleep, I began to dream about Ryan. I saw him in a cowboy shirt and hat. I saw beautiful rolling hills and an open space ranch that glowed in the morning sun. Ryan was looking at me with that distinct smile and in that moment, I knew it was not a dream. I felt peace, calm, and free of any worries. I knew he saw me hurting and wanted to help me. That is the kind of friend he was and I miss him." -David

"I am thankful for Ryan for many reasons.  I love that he loved the Lord and how courageous he was. I love that he set the bar high for us to follow so that we could continue his legacy.  As a small boy, he was so determined and ready to take on the world.  He taught me a lot about a strong-willed child, and a lot about myself as well.  I love how he was with us as a family, always going out of his way to support Brandon and our family. Some of Brandon's favorite memories are hunting weekend with Ryan and his Nerf gun fight at his birthday party.  I love how he adored Kendra and Colton and even in his illness, he strived to have relationships with his family." -Aunt Marjie

"I'm thankful for Ryan because he was the big brother I didn't have. Because of him, I think I'm a little tougher, understand boys a little better and have experienced more farts and burps than I would've liked. [Editor's note: hear, hear] But Ryan also taught me not to apologize for my age or my wiring, that it was ok to be passionate but always with purpose and to be caring at the end of the day. There are still times I want to tell him something, to hear his response and it aches. I'm thankful for his larger-than-life personality that makes remembering that much easier." -Abby

"I'm thankful for Ryan for so many reasons, but I so admire his sense of purpose and determination. Oh, and he always made me laugh. I remember the first Sunday I saw you two at GLBC.  On the drive home I said to Nate (my husband), 'Did you see the cowboy?' In that moment I had no idea what a huge impact you would both have on our lives! I'm so thankful for your couple of years in Lansing. Friendship, accountability, laughs, small group, and spiritual growth.  Happy birthday, Ryan!" -Lauren

" 'Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful,
       **And let us consider how we can SPUR one another toward love and good deeds.'
We believe Ryan lived this passage and many were encouraged to live faithfully for the Lord." - Grandma Jean

"As his 29th birthday was approaching I have been filled with a kaleidoscope of memories. The one I am most proud of was his commitment to live his life surrendered to the Lord. He became a man of great faith. No matter how hard the circumstances were he chose to be radically obedient. He never put it on; it came deep from within through the Word of God that he embedded into the core of who he was. Ryan was so in love with Kendra. She was the best thing that ever happened to him. Together they created a lot of energy, and out of that came Colton. The memories of Ryan as a husband and father keep me smiling. I miss Ryan and his passion for Grace Adventures. He shared in our vision for Grace to reach this generation of young people and strengthen the family to Impact the World with Jesus Christ.  Happy birthday, my son.  I love you to heaven and back." -Steve, his father

"Ryan, today you would be celebrating your 29th birthday. I still often wonder why it was you that was chosen to leave this earth at such a young age. I miss you horribly and think of you often. I miss watching sports with you, even though we weren't always cheering on the same team. I thank God for the memories and time that we did have.  Happy birthday in heaven." -Chris

"Ryan didn't hide behind a mask, he was who he was and he was fine letting people see the rough edges along with the depth. I appreciate that transparency and time with Ryan challenged me to be genuine in my interactions with others and not try to be who I think they want me to be." - Jenny

"'As iron sharpens iron so shall one man sharpen another.'  There is no man who I felt as loved by or whom I loved as deeply, with whom I debated as intensely, and with whom I served side-by-side as passionately as Ryan Prudhomme.  He sharpened and honed me into a usable instrument of God. I like to think I sharpened him some too." -Chad

"I am thankful I knew Ryan because Ryan stood for Jesus. My first memory of him is as a young freshman in high school standing for truth, and my last memory is a young man weakened with disease continuing to proclaim the same truth. I am thankful to have known him and even more thankful for the promise of eternity to see and be with my friend again." -Crystal

"I'm thankful Ryan broke trail for me in life. Even when the conditions were tough, he always had a heart of perseverance and righteousness. I am thankful for his sense of humor. I miss belly laughing with him all the time. I am thankful for and miss our time fishing or watching a game or talking about things that matter in life." -Jeremy, his brother

"I am thankful that Ryan fully surrendered his strong will to the Lord. He always pushed me to raise the bar in whatever we were working on. I am thankful too that I was able to see him grow and mature as a man and in his faith! And that God allowed me to be a mini part of that process." -Ben

"I always saw Ryan as a person with the kind of faith I want to have. He not only knew and believed the Word of God, he lived it. I admired that about him and am thankful that he is a role model for me in that regard. I am also thankful for the FUN. I have great memories of dune rides, horseback riding, watching fireworks, making dough boys on the campfire, hot-tubbing in the winter, and watching Star Wars and the Avengers. I'm thankful for our friendship and for the adventures." -Kari

"I loved him for how hard he fought cancer, and how he spoke about it. He meant so much to so many and is missed daily. His nephew has had a tough time losing him and still will cry out of the blue.  He is definitely loved and missed.  I'm thankful that he was a great role model and great man in how he lived his life." -Ryan

"Ryan could pick on me, challenge me, and encourage me all in the same sentence. He did it all with the same big smile. He spurred me on.  Like spurs, he was not always the most gentle of tools but God used him to often direct my life.  For that I am thankful." -Mike

"I'm thankful for Ryan for: his skills in securing lawn chairs in a Jeep and safely driving the dunes, and providing first aid when he failed at both of those, his ability to make anyone and everyone feel welcomed and loved, introducing me to his parents and grandparents, marrying my dearest friend, giving the world the sweetest, most honest, and hilarious little boy, and living his life completely trusting in God's plan." -Monica

"I will always remember Ryan as a man of deep conviction and care. Ryan lived boldly and spoke honestly, and in our friendship that means he challenged and supported me. We didn't get to spend much of our friendship in the same geographical place, and yet I would list him (and Kendra) as one of the people closest to my heart - who knew me well enough to cheer me on while spurring me on to follow God's lead.  Friends like that are God-given and precious...I miss him." -Amy

"Ryan was always 100% dedicated to everything he did and everyone he loved." -Tricia

"Ryan's commitment until the end was so personally challenging to me. Tonight I heard the song, "10,000 Reasons". I now have a visual picture of what it looks like to when your strength is failing and your time has come, to have your soul still praise God. I know times were hard. I know Ryan and Kendra argued with God about His decision. But he made the choice to surrender, despite his circumstances, despite his feelings and despite him wanting to be in charge. I am so grateful for that example and hope it is an example that I can learn to follow." -Hannah

"Ryan became a good friend of mine after he asked me to be his mentor a few years ago. We talked at least once a month, mostly about leadership and his hopes for the future. But he also wanted to talk often about being the best husband and father he could be. He loved Kendra and Colton deeply and wanted his life to reflect his commitment to them by growing in his relationship with God. Ryan truly became a hero and role model to me over the last two years of his life. He added so much to my life – I’m certain it was more than I contributed to his. I think of him often and miss our conversations each month. In honor of Ryan’s birthday, if I could just get him to call me one more time (I wonder what the caller ID would say), I would tell him, “Ryan, you blessed me deeply by allowing me to share your life and your journey. God made you so unique and used you so powerfully to touch countless lives. Thank you for the gift of your friendship. I love you, man.'" -Gregg

"Ryan, you are missed.  But on your birthday I don't focus on how much I miss you.  Instead I choose to look at how thankful I am to have called you my brother.  You blazed a trail for me to follow and showed me what mistakes not to make...but more importantly, you showed me how to be a man.  How to accept the things in our life that we have no control over.  How to fight when the world says there is no hope.  And how to support others when you can barely support yourself.  Everyone saw all these things as you walked through your battle with cancer, but I had the awesome privilege of seeing them every day as we grew up together.  Again I will say, I'm so thankful to have called you my brother." -Corey

"Happy birthday, Ryan.  I'll always remember the day we met in 5th grade and how much I hated you.  But after many fists were thrown and hurtful words mumbled, we became best friends and brothers.  I'm so thankful for you in my life.  And I'll always remember, 'Jake...there's more to life!'  I love you brother, and I miss you a lot!" -Jake

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On this day, I'm grieving for myself and Colton, and for all the people that would way rather grab a piece of cake from Ryan's birthday party than sit in silence and deeply miss him.  But today I also celebrate...I'm just grateful that he was born.  That he happened.  That I got to marry him and build a life with him.  That he passed along the same winning smile, stubbornness, high-octane intensity, and unbelievable charm to his only son.  If this high-energy, loud, maddeningly confrontational, thoughtful, deep, and mind-blowing intelligent person had never happened, I can't imagine how different I would be as a person.  Thank you, Ryan, for helping me be a far better version of myself, and for believing in me and pushing me to greater heights when I did not believe that I had it in me.  Thank you for demonstrating to me that surrendering my whole life and my whole purpose to Jesus will define who I am, what I do, and give me a framework for every decision.  I think that every single one of the above people would agree that our lives are richer and we are better people because of the influence you had on the world around you.  You are so loved!  Happy birthday in heaven to you; I'm sure that you are celebrating in a way today that is unfathomably awesome.

Ten thousand, two hundred seventy four days.

How does one measure a life?

Is it the number of birthdays that we achieve?

Is it the money in our bank account?

Is it the style of our clothes?

If those are the measures of a life, then my dear husband might not have made much of a splash.  His time here on earth was short.  Today would have been only his 28th birthday, and despite the unbelievably brave effort that he put into fighting cancer (countless rounds of chemotherapy, radiation, theraspheres, surgery, naturopathy, vegan diet! - I wonder if he has yet forgiven me for that?), he did not achieve a long life.  Today that fact is weighing heavily on his family's hearts.

Money in the bank account?  We shared joint accounts.  I can attest to the fact that he and I were very much an unremarkable, middle-class family in that regard.

Style of our clothes?  I really shouldn't touch this with a ten-foot pole since beauty is in the eye of the beholder (and our opinions on clothing differed greatly), but Ryan's cowboy style probably wouldn't have earned him any style points with the fashion police.  I'll leave it at that. :)

If we measure a life, what is the standard?  I propose this:

What do you do to impact the world around you?

In only ten thousand, two hundred seventy-four days (the number of days that he lived), Ryan Prudhomme changed the world.  No, he wasn't a world leader.  He didn't have an impact on politics, government, or policy.  But for hundreds and even thousands of people, Ryan caused them to stop and think about their faith, their priorities, their families, and their passions.  He challenged us all to see the world in a new lens, in high definition, and to evaluate what really matters.  As a charismatic cowboy in the prime of his life publicly battled cancer, he invited the world to share in his hurts, his hopes, and his Savior.  And I know for many people (myself included), what Ryan did in those 10,274 days was to create a ripple effect where we now will go out and change the perspective of others around us.  So quite literally, he changed the world.

So despite the fact that the candles on his birthday cake never exceeded 27 and a few times his checking account even dipped below that number (yikes!), Ryan Prudhomme set a standard of living that I pray the rest of us will continue to strive for.  He taught us that "apart from [the Lord] I have no good thing." (Psalms 16:2), and that our ultimate purpose in life is glorify the One who created us in His image.

Happy birthday, good and faithful servant, funny cowboy, sweet friend, beloved son, devoted father, loving husband.  I am sure that your celebration today is one beyond what any of us can imagine.

A fitting memorial

Today, Ryan's grave marker was put in place. It took me an exceptional amount of time to think about exactly how to put who Ryan was into a two-foot wide slab of granite. Lots of thanks to Ryan's parents and my friends for being my sounding board and offering suggestions or affirmations. Thanks also to Ryan's cousin David for the beautiful craftsmanship. 

What I ended up loving the most about this stone is the scripture that is on it. "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." (Psalm 20:7, NIV) This scripture so embodies who my Ryan was. Although he loved horses and was often defined by his cowboy lifestyle, he was most defined by his faith in Jesus Christ. The picture also illustrates the way that Ryan led his life fully submitted to his Savior. Oh, I am so proud of you, Ry. 

In case you are interested in visiting this, Ryan was buried at Hersey Village Cemetery, an eighth of a mile west of the main street in Hersey (near his hometown of Reed City) on Three Mile Road. His gravesite is at the extreme east end of the cemetery.

My promise to my dying husband

Your smile.

Anytime I think of you, the first thing I see in my mind’s eye is your megawatt smile. Your friendliness, your openness, and your sense of humor, all amplified and highlighted by your toothy, crooked grin.

That grin caught my eye over a decade ago, and ultimately captured my heart. From the first days of our relationship when we were just a couple of love-struck high school students, to the moment you saw me walking down the aisle, to the moment I saw you first lay eyes on your son, to the moment now when I enter your hospital room—your smile melts my heart, Ryan. You still dazzle me.

Life with you has been easy because it has been clear from the start that God uniquely wired us to be together. You challenge me, you sharpen me, you inspire me, and you make me a better person. Your unwavering commitment to the Lord makes my own relationship with Him much richer and more intentional because I have you to look to as an example of what it means to live a life sold out for Christ. Even through the last two years, as we have walked the road of your terminal cancer diagnosis together, life has remained colorful and sweet because our God is gracious to me, and you are one of the three biggest gifts I've received from Him. Salvation and our son are the other two.

On May 13, 2006, I saw your huge smile as I made my way down a short aisle to marry you. And on that day, you and I made a lot of promises to each other. "...from this day forward, I will devote myself to you and our family, second only to God / I commit to loving you, as much during difficult times as well as times of happiness / in victories as well as defeats / All these things I promise to you." 

When I look back, so much has happened in almost seven years and I have realized that it’s time to restate exactly what I promise to you. Life has happened. And as we stare down this monster with hands clasped together and the Lord firmly entrenched behind us, I want to leave no doubt that you know these things.

Ryan Scott Prudhomme, I promise to you that I will cherish your memory as long as I live. Your character, your integrity, your heart for the Lord, and your unshakable faith in Him are all reasons that I, along with many others, will continue to regard you as a most extraordinary person. I admire you more than you could imagine.

Ryan, I promise to you that your son will know you as he grows. Any creative way that I can devise to ensure that he grows up feeling close to you—I plan to do it. Any person that can tell him about your jokes, your idiosyncrasies, your personality traits—I will ensure those people have an avenue to tell your son about his beloved daddy. Regardless of whether you get to parent him for two or twenty or seventy years, I pledge to you my commitment to raise him to know his dad.

I promise to you I will not despair, I will not be broken, and I will somehow, someday, some way again feel joy and peace. During the last two years, I know your first thoughts are usually of me—not of yourself—and you have been far more worried about me and Colton. Your love for me has never been more evident and has helped gird me through some very difficult times. I could never have done this without your faithful prayer and your encouragement, but I’m entering into a new phase where I won’t have the luxury of your nearness. Despite that, I know deep down that I am a person that can shoulder anything, as long as the Lord stands behind me. And He will. I will, with His grace, stand tall and will endure whatever tomorrow brings.  Don't you worry.

My last promise, Ryan, is not a new one—and it’s not a promise to you. It’s a promise to my Lord and Savior. I promise that my trust in the Lord will not be broken, bent, tarnished, punctured, pushed, nor shaken. I have no idea what He is orchestrating. I may not ever know until I am able to question Him in person someday. But I know the character of the One who alone knows the number of our days, He who knew you from the time before you were born and still, to this day, holds you and I in a tight, secure grip. His goodness and his mercy have been the constancy that we have so sorely needed during the last two rollercoaster years.

My darling, I love you more than I could ever have guessed that I would have loved you when you first flashed that unforgettable smile at me in the crowded hallway of our small high school. You are more than just my husband: you’re my best friend, my closest confidant, my sparring partner, my teacher, and my hero. When I close my eyes and think of you, I will always remember the sweet happiness of being perfectly matched to a person that pushed me to be a greater version of my own self.

And I’ll never forget the beautiful smile on your face.

Which always will bring one to my own.

-Kendra

I wrote this letter to Ryan while he was hospitalized at CTCA in March.  After he read it, he strongly encouraged me to release it on our blog when I felt that it was the appropriate time.  We both pray that it is effective in bringing encouragement to those that read this blog.

Photo Credit: Yeoman Photography, Big Rapids, MI

My new years resolution; a year of surrender and faith

I attended a conference last month put on by the Christian Camp and Conference Association for all camping professionals in the country and Canada. It is a combination of professional development, relationship building, and spiritual renewal. The theme this year was Strong and Courageous. This was taken from:

Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

I was asked to speak briefly about my experience with cancer and my perspective on Strong and Courageous. As I prayed about it the words surrender and faith came to mind. 

Since the conference I've had this rattling around in my head and I can’t get loose of it. 

Strength come through surrender, courage comes through faith. 

At first it sounds like courage is something I’m supposed to “do”. Go out and conquer the world no matter what. Before cancer I probably had that approach. I could go and do anything I wanted to. There was nothing I put my mind to that I couldn't accomplish. 

Now that’s totally different. I’m a shell of myself. I’m weaker and more worn down than I've ever been. I know I’m commanded to “not be terrified, do not be discouraged” but the more I try not to be the more I am some days. Some days “terrified” is exactly the word to use to describe how I feel. So what am I supposed to do? 

I don’t have the strength to overcome right now. I can’t cowboy up and push through. I've tried. These emotions aren't fake or a figment of my imagination. They’re real. It’s proof that I've got a long ways to go in my walk with the Lord. If my faith was greater, maybe I wouldn't struggle... but I might make a speculation that Jesus himself was afraid and weak the night he prayed for mercy and relief in Gethsemane. His humanity shines through in that moment of pure vulnerability. 

First, in order to gain strength and “be strong”, I must surrender all that is dear to me. Maybe it’s money like the rich young ruler, maybe it’s family like Abraham, maybe it’s comfort like Paul with his thorn in the side, maybe it’s your children’s decisions like David. Whatever it is, the more I cling to the things that I don’t want to lose, the quicker they slip through my fingers. 

We’re all familiar with:

2 Cor 12:9-10
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

This makes no sense. The weaker we are the stronger we are? It’s 100% opposite what our culture tells us. When you fight cancer everyone comes and tells you to “keep fighting”. I know what they mean, and that they mean well. However, ultimately I don’t think one lives or dies from cancer solely because they choose to keep fighting. I won’t deny that attitude and determination play a part, but I know that I may very well choose to buckle down and fight like crazy and still lose this battle. 

I think that’s like life. We are so afraid of losing the precious things in our lives, we hold onto them tightly. Then when we face adversity we buckle down and fight like crazy to “overcome, persevere, or get through”. We’re called to do the opposite though. It’s only through our weakness that God will take those things we once held dear and use them for His glory in a way that we never imagined. 

Being willing to submit yourself to the will of God - no matter what it might mean in your life - is a scary idea. Deep down in our hearts, most of us have things we’re hiding, holding onto, or avoiding. If we want to be strong, we must be willing to truly surrender those intimate and vulnerable places we’ve been keeping God out of. 

I was forced to surrender a lot in my life. So that was out of my hands. I’ve learned more about how to willingly surrender things along the way, such as Colton’s future, my wife’s future, the ministry goals I’ve had, and more. I wouldn’t say I have that lesson down, but like I said, I’ve been forced to learn this one. The lesson that I’m struggling with is courage. 

I’ve always thought of myself as a courageous person. I rode unbroken horses, I wasn’t afraid to have hard conversations, and I’d like to think I would do what was necessary to defend my family or my country if called upon. There was a lot of bravado wrapped up in that, though. That kind of courage is about me, what I can do, how brave I am. The object of the courage is the individual.

As I read through scripture though there’s an overwhelming pattern that when one is told to be courageous it’s almost always in the context of, “the Lord is with you, the Lord will guide you, the Lord will provide”. I haven’t done a study to know if it’s every time, but it’s a lot. For instance:

Isaiah 41:10

New International Version (NIV)
So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I’m told to “do not fear”. That’s great but I still do. Why am I afraid? What causes me to fear? Well right now the circumstances of what I’m facing are greater than my perceived capacity to overcome them. In other words, I can’t get out of this jam. 

I’m told that God is with me, not to be discouraged, for He is my God. He will strengthen me, help me, and uphold me. So what am I afraid for? Again it has to do with my faith. Do I really trust that God is in control when life feels so out of control? Do I really trust that God’s still got a plan for me when all my plans have fallen a part? Do I really believe that God is still MY God, when it feels like He has abandoned me? 

When I’m afraid, the answer is no. I’m not trusting that God is God. I do not believe He is still sovereign. 

When I am at most peace is when I’m most dependent upon Him and I’ve chosen to surrender and trust Him. These moments are indescribable. It feels like a high of thanksgiving, peace, and hope. I haven’t found anything that compares to this feeling. Not only that, but God has used me in ways I could’ve never imagined before cancer. He’s opened doors for Kendra and I that we’ve dreamed of only now it’s happening and bigger and better than we dreamed. 

So as I look to this New Year my goals and my encouragement to you is let’s be a people of surrender and faith. Let’s be a people that commits to being brave enough to let God into the recesses of our hearts and use our weaknesses to His purposes. I may not make it through the year, but whether I do or don’t, if I live my life like that - it won’t be wasted. 

Sesame Street wisdom?

I admit that I'm not opposed to my toddler watching a bit of TV every now and then.


Okay, maybe almost every day.


You see, since summer vacation started, Colton and I have started a new rhythm. We generally wake up between 8 and 9, get breakfast together, I make coffee, and then we snuggle up on the couch to watch a recorded episode of "Sesame Street" together. Generally we do not watch the entire episode. After all, if it's a segment of the show that does not have Elmo in it, Colton isn't interested. Generally we will watch the opening segment if Elmo is in it, but we usually fast forward through "Abby's Flying Fairy School" and Bert and Ernie's segment. No Elmo = No Dice.


However, we regularly watch "Elmo's World" together. It's so pathetic that I can sing all of the words to the intro, "Elmo's Song", "Elmo's Ducks", and "I'm Elmo and I Know It". Colton just loves that little red monster. I don't get it, but at least he isn't into Spongebob. As a matter of fact, one of my goals as a mother is to make sure that my son does not even know who Spongebob is.


Anyway, I digress. I love this time with my son, watching the high-pitched red monster and his goldfish Dorothy on the screen. I get to smell my boy's hair as he sits on my lap, sip coffee, and point out the shapes, numbers, colors, and objects on the screen. If my son is going to watch any TV at all, it's going to be interactive - NOT a babysitter. If you're not familiar with "Elmo's World", it is based around the premise that Dorothy and Elmo want to find out more about a particular subject - how to get dressed, how to take care of pets, what are fish like, how to play drums, etc. One of the first things that they will do is consult their friend Mr. Noodle, who lives behind a curtain in Elmo's World.

Mr. Noodle, Elmo's friend and consultant

I cringe every time Mr. Noodle comes on the screen. Mr. Noodle is kind of a dunce. Okay, not kind of. He's a MAJOR dunce. If Elmo asks Mr. Noodle how to walk like a monkey, Mr. Noodle will misunderstand him and try to walk like a chicken.  It's just ridiculous.  I'm sure that preschoolers love it, as Mr. Noodle is definitely very silly.  Eventually the off-screen voices of four-year-olds teach Mr. Noodle how to do the correct action, and all is well.  Colton thinks that Mr. Noodle is very funny.

Now, I'm not knocking on Mr. Noodle.  He serves his purpose in teaching preschoolers about the right way and wrong way to do a particular action.  I just think that Elmo and Dorothy should have learned by now that Mr. Elmo is probably not the best person to consult when they have serious questions such as how to tie shoelaces.  This is crucial business, people.  Get a clue! :)

But you see, I'm not so different from Elmo and Dorothy, as I am not always known for seeking the wisest of counsel when I am faced with a problem.

Proverbs 3: 1-8

New International Version (NIV)

1 My son, do not forget my teaching, 

    but keep my commands in your heart,

2 for they will prolong your life many years 

    and bring you peace and prosperity.

3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;

    bind them around your neck,

    write them on the tablet of your heart. 

4 Then you will win favor and a good name

    in the sight of God and man.

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways submit to him,

    and he will make your paths straight.

7 Do not be wise in your own eyes; 

    fear the Lord and shun evil. 

8 This will bring health to your body 

    and nourishment to your bones.

James 1:1-8

New International Version (NIV)

1 James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ,

To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations:

Greetings.

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

Have you ever had a problem that you tried to fix on your own?  I think we all have been guilty of this at some point.  My husband says that I am possibly the most fiercely independent person that he's ever met, with a thick skull to boot.  I regularly reject wisdom and guidance from people that are probably a lot more attuned to God's wisdom than I am because I am very wise in my own eyes.  I regularly reject the notion of asking for God to give me wisdom and guidance because I have it all under control (ha, ha, ha).  I would rather rely on the opinions of the Mr. Noodles of this world sometimes than God's wisdom and am often guilty of running to my own wisdom or Mr. Noodle's wisdom first (figuratively, not literally).

Did you notice what God's word says about asking for wisdom or relying on the Lord's understanding?

• "This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."
• "...when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."

I have had many valleys and mountaintops during my Christian walk, and the valleys have gotten deeper and the mountaintops have become higher since Ryan was diagnosed with cancer.  As I look back on the eleven and a half years that I have been walking with Christ (or periodically running away from Him, too), I can unequivocally ascertain that the mountaintops have been when I was not wise in my own eyes, but humble and broken before the Lord, not doubting a word He says.  The valleys have been their deepest when I have been trying far too hard to keep control over a situation, and shunned God's wisdom.  Trust me, the mountaintops are much better.  I understand what King Solomon means when he says it brings health to our bodies, to lean on God's understanding.  When I'm truly walking in tandem with the Lord, I literally feel better - God's grace washing over me has an emotional and physiological effect on my well-being.  I am more peaceful.  I sleep better.  I have better relationships with the others around me.

What would it look like if we, as the collective body of Christ, had a renewal of our desire to seek the Lord above all else?  What would it look like if we shunned the wisdom of Mr. Noodle, or the wisdom of our own selves?

Do your circumstances define your faith? Or does faith define circumstances?

Last Sunday I had the privilege of speaking at Olivet Evangelical Free Church in Muskegon. What a warm and inviting community they have.

I shared our story and the lessons in radical obedience that God is teaching us.

Listen to it here!

http://ia601207.us.archive.org/14/items/LivingInHighDefinition/RyanPrudhomme.mp3

Is cancer spilled milk?

Terrible two's or Terrific two's? I'm not so sure right now. Colton will turn two on Saturday and we've entered a new stage of parenting recently.

Violent overreactions!

Kicking, screaming, slapping, screaming, throwing, screaming. Did I mention screaming?

Colton is learning to express himself but hasn't figured out how to process his emotions appropriately. I'm not worried; it's a stage.

He seems to be able to go from normal, happy, loving little boy....

to parent-eating, self-centered, screaming velociraptor in a millisecond.

What sets him off so quickly? Everything.

Having a lid on his cup...

putting a coat on...

not putting a coat on...

being hungry...

being given food...

spilled milk...

and most often that dreaded "N" word.

Despite these circumstances being completely irrelevant to Colton's health, future, or development, if you were to solely look at his reaction you'd think he was losing a limb. His reaction is so drastically unequal to the circumstance it becomes comical and difficult not to laugh at him, in love of course. What drives this? He can't see the whole picture. He doesn't understand why he's being told no, or something is taken away, or a restriction is placed on him. He can't discern how this could possibly be better for him.

As I started to get frustrated with Him, God gently whispered into my ear that I'm a lot like Colton. How many times do we violently overreact towards God because we can't see the whole picture? Whether it's health, job security, family struggles, or anything else we throw a lot of temper tantrums at God. What appears to us to be the worst case scenario, could actually be for our benefit and God's glory.

Ultimately this comes from God having a different perspective than we do.

He tells us this in Isaiah 55:8 -

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord."

What is the Christian worldview? Seeing the world the way God sees the world. Unfortunately it's pretty difficult to get outside of our toddler perspective sometimes. Instead of filtering circumstances through how could this honor God, or be part of His plan, or help someone else, we whine "why me, what did I do, or look how I've been wronged."

God doesn't promise us that things will always make sense to us. Actually in Proverbs 3 He tells us,

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes."

There are times when we have to trust that God has a plan and we won't always get to see it but still need to be obedient. That's called faith. Right now Colton is learning to have faith in his parents. His parents are learning to have faith in their Father!

Complaining, Complacency, and Compassion (Part 1)

I haven't blogged for the last few weeks, due to just being plain crazy busy...and maybe a slight plateau in my writing enthusiasm.  As I was praying the last few days for God to teach me something new, He brought me back to three things that have been on my heart and mind: complaining about trivialities, complacency in our spiritual life, and compassion for those that God feels compassion for.  Rather than force people to read a humongous manifesto about the three of them combined, I decided to break it up into three parts and tackle one item per post.

COMPLAINING

My son is a darling.  I love him to pieces, and most of the time he is an angel.  However, lately he has had some really tough mornings.  He definitely takes after me, his mother, in his lack of enthusiasm and general grumpiness when it comes to waking up.

Yawn.  Argh, the light is starting to peek through my room-darkening shades.  It must be about eight a.m.  It's too early.  I wish that my toddler circadian rhythm would allow me to sleep until nine like I used to.  Alright, here we go.  Mama!  Sheesh.  It's been five seconds since I called to her.  I thought she'd be waiting outside my door.  MAMA!  Ugh.  Where is she?  I want my diaper changed immediately, and she'd better have a sippy cup full of warm milk when she walks through the door.  I would think that anything less would be atrocious on her part.  Okay, we're working on thirty seconds now.  Finally, here she comes.  She'd better have that mil...WHAT!  How dare you come in here without a sippy cup!  I'm liable to throw myself back down on my pillow pet and scream at you!  No! Don't you dare change my diaper now!  I want MILK! 

Ugh, she's still stronger than me.  She wrestled with me all the way to the diaper changing station.  Guess I'm going to have to wait for TWO WHOLE MINUTES to get my milk today.  Grrrrr.  Alright, diaper change over.  Off we go to the kitchen.  It's MILK TIME, baby!  Here's my mom, pouring the milk.  SERIOUSLY!?  You're using the BLUE cup?!  You know that I like my milk in the YELLOW cup!  OH MY WORD, why are you NOT answering my requests!  I want things the way I want them!  And I want it NOW!  I'm going to go throw a fit now because I want milk in the yellow cup!  I'm going to go complain to all of my toddler friends about how when you serve me milk, you serve it to me in a stupid blue cup, AND you waited 30 seconds to come in and rescue me from my crib today.  I'm going to complain about you a LOT, Mom!  You didn't do things exactly the way that I think you should!

Yes, that is really his general disposition on occasion in the morning.  Most mornings he's happy and grateful to be picked up, changed, and given milk, but on occasion he has a negative attitude and the smallest things give him cause to complain.  Now, I know that he's not quite two and he's prone to irrationality by virtue of his developmental stage, so I laugh off the mornings where he is a total grump and chalk it up to totally normal toddler behavior.

But as you were reading the above story, did you notice anything similar to the way that Christian adults sometimes behave?  We feel that anything less than us being absolutely comfortable is a mistake on God's part.  We had saved up X amount of money to go on vacation, and then our kid got sick and we had to pay medical bills.  Rather than thank God for having allowed us to pay for the medical bills immediately because of the provision of savings, we complain about the missed trip.  Rather than thank God for our job, which helps provide for our families, we complain that it's not high-paying enough, that our boss is too ___ (fill in the blank), or that we are passed over for a promotion.  Rather than thank God for the beautiful children that he has created to be in our families, we complain about the gender of the child or the burden of raising it.  Instead of thanking God for our health, we complain when we contract the common cold.  Try having cancer once in your life, you'll never complain about a cold/flu bug/sinus infection EVER again.

We Christians complain ALL the time about ridiculous stuff.  We somehow place an expectation on God that we are not to endure trials or character-building situations.  How do you think this reflects our faith to non-believers?  We are commanded to do everything without grumbling or complaining (Phil. 2:14), and yet so many of us have bought into this mentality that we deserve nothing less than a beautiful house, an easy life, and tons of extra money in the bank.  When Christians complain about trivialities, non-believers hear them and think that there is nothing special or different about our attitudes.

The truth is, very few of the Christians that I run with have any reason to complain against God's provision in their lives (including Ryan and I!).  We are all comfortable, safe, and well-provided for.  But there is an innate feeling within many of us that is a toxic remnant of our inherent sinful nature that makes us feel like we are little gods on our throne, and no one had better forget that.

The Israelites were famous for this grumbling & complaining attitude as they wandered the desert.  Numbers 11:1-4 details their lack of thankfulness:

And the people complained in the hearing of the Lord about their misfortunes, and when the Lord heard it, his anger was kindled, and the fire of the Lord burned among them and consumed some outlying parts of the camp. Then the people cried out to Moses, and Moses prayed to the Lord, and the fire died down. So the name of that place was called Taberah, because the fire of the Lord burned among them. Now the rabble that was among them had a strong craving. And the people of Israel also wept again and said, “Oh that we had meat to eat!

Notice that it said that God's anger burned.  Here were a couple million of His people, that He was lovingly teaching and caring for, and they continued to complain...because wandering in the desert was not what they had planned for their lives, nor was a vegetarian diet.  They even wanted to return to their life of enslavement in Egypt at some points during their forty years.  How about that for rationality?  What a slap in the face it is to God when we flippantly tell Him, "Yeah, I know that you're providing for me and all, but it's not enough.  You're not enough for me."  I don't know about you, but that makes me shiver to think of the way that God's anger burns against those that complain about trivialities.

Now, I am not expecting that we are all going to be perfect at this notion of not complaining.  Sometimes life gives us seriously bitter lemons, and it is healthy for us to express our disappointment and our anger.  Bottling our feelings is never a good idea emotionally, and I do truly believe that God wants us to come to Him with our feelings.  What I don't think God likes or desires is for us to be ungrateful and bitter and negative.  It is a good idea to have someone in our lives that is a mentor or a close friend that is able to point out truth to us when we are in the depths of despair or crisis.  For an example of this, read the book of Job, specifically chapters 10 and 11.  Job was in the middle of his trial and illness, and he complained bitterly against the Lord in Chapter 10.  His friend Zophar confronts him with truth in Chapter 11 and pretty much tells Job to check his sinful attitude.  Do you have a Zophar in your life?  Is there someone that you're willing to listen to when they straight up tell you that your attitude is not where it should be?

Complaining is not something that any of us are immune to.  However, we need to train ourselves to think more in terms of thankfulness and to ensure that our prayers and petitions are chock full of thanksgiving.  Our God is a giver of good gifts!

Pump up the faith!

I'm not an athlete.

If you read my husband's guest blog that he wrote for Kevin East's "Following to Lead", you'll notice that in the first couple of sentences he mentioned that he wants our child(ren) to be athletes.  Then, for the life of me I cannot figure out why he married me.  I like running because it makes me feel good, but I'm not fast - breaking a ten-minute mile is cause for serious celebration in my life.  I am not terribly coordinated.  I have never dribbled a ball well, I can't throw, and I hated people trying to take the ball from me in soccer - "Just take it.  I'm done.  Don't crowd me."  Have I told you about the time that I once played pick-up volleyball, and a sixty year old man got frustrated with how terrible I played? Every time the ball came dropping down in my direction, he would hightail it over to cover me, even if he was on the opposite side of the court. That was unbelievably embarrassing.  So... I guess that the major point here is that I am a rotten athlete.  Period.


So over the years, I've compensated for my lack of athletic ability by getting inordinately competitive over other things that I'm good at.  Scrabble?  I'll pwn any Scrabble opponent with my eyes closed.  Scattergories?  Ask Mike & Lee how intensely competitive I can get with my husband, who is the only person I've met that can give me a real run for my money at Scattergories.  It can get ugly.  I constantly feuded with a girl in seventh and eighth grade over first and second chair clarinet.  Getting first chair was of utmost importance to me, and I practiced for HOURS before a challenge.  Heidi and I would barely speak after one of us beat the other one.  And cheerleading has been a real outlet for me.  I am not very good at tumbling because that takes coordination, but I'm as bendable as Gumby so I was great at splits, jumps, etc.  I was the best back spot imaginable.  I excelled at cheer.  There isn't really a good litmus test for which cheerleader is best, but I know in my heart that I was tops.  Gosh, I can't wait until I have enough time to coach cheer again. (And yes, in case you're wondering - that is me in the middle of that picture.)

So since my husband is a sports junkie, he has shared some stories with me about how he used to prepare for big games.  One of the things that he told me is that he used to listen to heavy metal or rock songs to get him mentally prepared for dominating his opponents.  He once found a mix tape that he had made in eighth grade basketball and he popped it in his CD player in his truck.  For the next half hour, he forced me to listen to Metallica and Jock Jams as he nodded his head enthusiastically and pounded his fists on the steering wheel.  We went well over the speed limit.  I think we won whatever drag race he thought we were participating in.

As his last scans were coming up, I kind of copied Ryan's pre-game mental warmup to get my own "juices" flowing and to get in the mindset of total domination.  Here's what I did: I spent some time in the last week in the Gospels reading about Jesus' healing miracles. Whether it was leprosy, blindness, paralysis, deformities, internal sickness, dropsy, or raising a man from the dead, Jesus showed Himself to be the ultimate healer on earth of all types of ailments.  As I was reading this, the hair on the back of my neck stood up.  Okay, so Jesus is not walking here on earth with me at the moment. But the Holy Spirit is.  And my God is still completely capable of doing ANY of these things right now.  Right here.  This moment.  Us.  We could be next.


After I got all jacked up (in a good way) from the Gospels, I decided to put my own version of Ryan's Jock Jams CD on.  Nope, "Pump up the Jam" was not on the playlist, but I do have a playlist on my iPhone that I specifically go to when I need a fast shot of encouragement.  Many of the same songs that are on it are ones that I've shared links to on this blog.  So imagine me, singing at the top of my lungs as I folded laundry in our bedroom, tunes cranked, and still half-crazy with a Gospel high. "AND IF OUR GOD IS FOR US, THEN WHO COULD EVER STOP US?!  AND IF OUR GOD IS WITH US, THEN WHAT CAN STAND AGAINST US?!!" My toddler son was looking at me with his head cocked quizzically.  Oh gosh, Colton is not even two yet and he already thinks I'm nuts!

So going into these scans, I was half-expecting the skies to part and a miracle to unfold at CTCA this week.  Not yet, is the answer we heard.  But I have not yet lost one iota of faith that we could still see a major, undeniably God-sized miracle in this situation.  Maybe you can say that I'm in denial, if you don't see the world the way that I do.  But isn't faith kind of like denial?  Faith is a denial that the world's perspective is always correct.  Faith says, "NO!  My God will not be put in a box.  My God is bigger than your logic."


Have you lost your faith in God's miracles or His ability to heal beyond reason?  His amazing power is something that we can hardly comprehend in our pea-sized minds.  At times like this, when we get a setback that guts us to the core, the one thing that buoys me is the knowledge that my God loves me beyond what I can comprehend, that is He is powerful, that He is always good, and that He is completely able to sustain my husband and I.

We love you all, dear readers.  If you don't have this same faith or buoyancy, I beg of you to ask us how you can face difficult situations - even terminal illness or death - and have hope.  I won't even ask you to dance like a crazy person to Chris Tomlin - but you can if you want to!

AND PLEASE KEEP PRAYING!  Our God is in the business of miracles.  Please ask for one on our behalf TODAY!

Anger

Hi everyone, I've been pretty silent on this blog since Sunday, even though it's been a very eventful week.  You see, no one would want to read what's been going through my head this week.  I've been in a dark, angry place since...well, I'm not exactly sure when it started.  It's been a few days now.

It's all completely circumstance-related.  Ryan has had an awful week, dealing with side effects of chemotherapy and possibly even a stomach bug.  He has been SO sick, and we have been on vacation at a very nice rental house in Ludington since we got back from Chicago.  Although it was a nice place to recover from treatment, this is hands down the worst vacation I have been on.

But I don't really care about vacations.  I care about my husband.  And there have been so many times this week, where as I have been listening to him vomit in the bathroom again, I have burned with anger.  Why anger?  Well, as I told God this week, "You could so easily take this away from him.  You could touch his body and with that one touch, he could be relieved of these symptoms.  Why are you allowing him to be trashed like this?"  That's a pretty PG version of what I was saying at times.

I've not opened my Bible since Saturday.  Didn't even want to read about God's righteousness or mercy, I wanted to see it displayed by healing my husband.  This anger has caused me to be impatient with my son, short with my husband (like he needs that right now), and mopey.  And furthermore, I do not look attractive when I frown.

(Am I being too honest?  I hope that you're not aghast at how horrible I am...)

So I've been honest with God.  I'm not afraid to tell Him how I feel, but I am afraid of allowing anger to become a wedge in my relationship with Him.  Afraid of becoming like an Israelite.

Seemingly every time that the Israelites were in the desert and they had a problem, they took it out on poor Moses and complained against the Lord. "We have no water.  We don't like manna."  Their heads were totally buried in the sand. God was testing them! He was teaching them how to rely on Him for their every need. Unfortunately, the Israelites were thickheaded and it doesn't seem like they ever learned how to put their faith and trust in God. Their unbelief crippled their ability to allow the Lord's blessings to flow over them.

I don't want to be like the Israelites.  I want to trust God with every fiber of my soul, but it's easier to type that than it is to internalize it.  I know in my head that he has a plan for us, and I can still see that this cancer is a catalyst for something big.  I haven't lost sight of that.  But it's too easy to not see the forest through the trees, and this week was a big test for me.  I wish that I could say that I passed this faith test with flying colors...but by all accounts, I failed.  Miserably.

Lesson learned.  I'll do better next time.


And credit goes to Ryan, who so skillfully and even tactfully pointed out to me that my heart was totally in the wrong place.  Thanks, hubs, you are always my voice of reason.  I love you endlessly.

Good news, bad news, who cares?

Wow, what a couple days. I have been feeling great lately. Excited about what God is doing through me, physically strong, almost forgetting at times what I'm dealing with. Yet this appointment loomed over my head the whole time. An appointment so important and yet not that important to me at all. You see if we'd have gotten good news, we'd be happy, but that wouldn't mean I'm healed. If we had gotten bad news, we be upset, but that wouldn't have meant I'm hopeless either.

We got good news. I almost expected this. However I also expected every other time I've gone into one of these make or break doctor appointments that they would say there been a mistake, something's wrong, what was there isn't there anymore. We don't know what happened but the cancer is gone. You're completely healed. Furthermore you no longer have your liver disease as well. You're purified.

I didn't get that kind of good news. The doc said the cancer has stabilized. It's not growing or spreading. He is very excited about this. So early in the treatment process this is all that could have happened. I look healthy in all other areas. They'll wait 3 cycles now before we do more tests. The doctor was very pleased.

I didn't get nervous until half way through the X-men movie my dad and I were at yesterday. I had gotten into the movie so much I almost forgot what was looming. Then a line, a shot, something sparked me and jerked me back to reality. I hadn't even been nervous until that point. Something about the surreality or the movie, and the reality of this cancer caused that realization to hit me hard. It was still 3 hours until I would find out the results of this test and I was officially nervous.

Even as the doctor was saying the words about the update I had a hard time believing him. While I was hopeful I was also scared. I didn't know if I was finally getting good news in this process. I kept waiting for the bad news to come. It didn't. I didn't know how to react. I think I was relieved. There wasn't an instant emotional response. This is not the end of the race, we have merely gotten a piece of good news in the midst of a marathon. I'm not cured yet. However this is a significantly positive sign. One that needs to be celebrated. Why didn't my heart prick up?

The same reason why my heart didn't prick up at this news, is the same reason my heart isn't devastated at bad news. My peace, joy, and happiness are not dependent on my circumstances. They are dependent on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Even though I was anxious about the results, I still felt peace that God is in control and He is able to heal me. I also feel peace about if God chooses not to heal me, that God is in control and that must have been the best option available. I pray that he uses me exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ask or imagine in my life now and after He should choose to heal me. I know that if He chooses not to heal me, He will still use me exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ask or imagine.

The valleys are less deep, the mountaintop experiences are less significant. They are still sweet and cherished. However I don't need them to sustain me, I'm sustained. It's more constant. No matter what God allows me to endure or chooses to bless me with, my faith will not change. My hope, peace, and joy come from knowing and being known by God. To be known by the creator, who can understand that? So no matter what I should face or be told, no news or circumstance can ever rob me of my hope, peace, and joy!