Wow, what a couple days. I have been feeling great lately. Excited about what God is doing through me, physically strong, almost forgetting at times what I'm dealing with. Yet this appointment loomed over my head the whole time. An appointment so important and yet not that important to me at all. You see if we'd have gotten good news, we'd be happy, but that wouldn't mean I'm healed. If we had gotten bad news, we be upset, but that wouldn't have meant I'm hopeless either.
We got good news. I almost expected this. However I also expected every other time I've gone into one of these make or break doctor appointments that they would say there been a mistake, something's wrong, what was there isn't there anymore. We don't know what happened but the cancer is gone. You're completely healed. Furthermore you no longer have your liver disease as well. You're purified.
I didn't get that kind of good news. The doc said the cancer has stabilized. It's not growing or spreading. He is very excited about this. So early in the treatment process this is all that could have happened. I look healthy in all other areas. They'll wait 3 cycles now before we do more tests. The doctor was very pleased.
I didn't get nervous until half way through the X-men movie my dad and I were at yesterday. I had gotten into the movie so much I almost forgot what was looming. Then a line, a shot, something sparked me and jerked me back to reality. I hadn't even been nervous until that point. Something about the surreality or the movie, and the reality of this cancer caused that realization to hit me hard. It was still 3 hours until I would find out the results of this test and I was officially nervous.
Even as the doctor was saying the words about the update I had a hard time believing him. While I was hopeful I was also scared. I didn't know if I was finally getting good news in this process. I kept waiting for the bad news to come. It didn't. I didn't know how to react. I think I was relieved. There wasn't an instant emotional response. This is not the end of the race, we have merely gotten a piece of good news in the midst of a marathon. I'm not cured yet. However this is a significantly positive sign. One that needs to be celebrated. Why didn't my heart prick up?
The same reason why my heart didn't prick up at this news, is the same reason my heart isn't devastated at bad news. My peace, joy, and happiness are not dependent on my circumstances. They are dependent on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Even though I was anxious about the results, I still felt peace that God is in control and He is able to heal me. I also feel peace about if God chooses not to heal me, that God is in control and that must have been the best option available. I pray that he uses me exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ask or imagine in my life now and after He should choose to heal me. I know that if He chooses not to heal me, He will still use me exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ask or imagine.
The valleys are less deep, the mountaintop experiences are less significant. They are still sweet and cherished. However I don't need them to sustain me, I'm sustained. It's more constant. No matter what God allows me to endure or chooses to bless me with, my faith will not change. My hope, peace, and joy come from knowing and being known by God. To be known by the creator, who can understand that? So no matter what I should face or be told, no news or circumstance can ever rob me of my hope, peace, and joy!