Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Under Pressure

It's been one week on a new Chemotherapy regimen. Thankfully I get a week off now. It has been tough. When we think of chemo we think of puking and the physical effects. There are mental and emotional effects that can be just as devastating but invisible.

Sometimes people ask me what it's like. Honestly I can't answer completely. I struggle to put words to how I feel. However, here are some words that came out the other day when I was really struggling. I don't live in this feeling all the time, but it is a reality of what Kendra and I have to overcome some days.
What a bad days like   
Under Pressure, 
Building, suffocating, exhausting pressure. 
Struggle to focus, thoughts are disoriented. I am not myself. 
I’m tired, physically tired. 
I can’t read, think, or process my thoughts. Simple tasks are overwhelming and I’m under pressure. 
Anxiety dances on my chest. Cuts me short of breath. 
I’m tired, mentally tired. 
The more I try to fix it, the worse it gets, I can’t escape. 
Circumstances, hopes, dreams, tasks, failures all build into pressure. 
It keeps you up at night, which makes you foggier, which makes you feel more pressure which keeps you up at night. 
I’m tired, emotionally tired. 
The body doesn’t respond like it should. I’m weak, feeble, and frustrated.
Things go well, things go poor, still under pressure.
This pressure invisible to others, consumes me. 
I’m weary today. Caught in the mire and clay. My burden is heavy. 
I cast all my cares upon You


ejmags said...

Ryan, God already feel your pain.. Physically and emotionally. We lift you up in our prayers.

Dear Lord our God, you are one Lord, and we love you Lord our God with all our heart, and with all our soul, and with all our might. Deu.6:4-5

Lee said...

Ryan, you are a kind, gentle, godly and wise man despite this chemo fog. That part of you remains untouched. Praying for you guys. Lots.

Anonymous said...

Give yourself permission to do nothing during this period after your chemo. Praying for God's continued peace for all of you.