So for all of the bravado about how I trust God no matter what He chooses to do, the pats on the back that I get for being so brave during this journey, and the compliments I get on writing blog posts, there is one truth that remains...
I'm just a normal girl, stressed out of her mind, living in abject fear of losing her husband.
I had a bad night recently. I was laying in bed and it felt like the room was spinning. No, I had not been drinking. I was conjuring up all sorts of thoughts about the future, about how alone I could be, about how hard my life could be, about how much I'm going to miss my husband if he dies, and also just how busy and hard the upcoming week was going to be...and it just got totally overwhelming. I thought I was going to throw up.
So what did I do?
Naturally, I ran out of the bedroom and out to Ryan, who was engrossed in furthering his education via "Swamp People" or some equally edifying television show.
I cried and sobbed and snotted all over his shirt as I lamented how scared I was. He listened and we had a great talk. He shared scripture with me that brought me back to center. I felt a lot better. I didn't feel great, but better. He even turned off the TV and came back to bed to scare off any boogey monsters (or bad thoughts) that I might have.
But I couldn't help but think to myself...
What if there is a day when I don't have Ryan, and I can't run to him with my fears?
Oh gosh, thinking about that can make me sick to my stomach all over again.
But seriously...what if?
I'm not immune to this "what if" stuff. It literally keeps me up at night. I know that I'm human and that it's normal to have thoughts like that. I think it's even excusable.
And I also know the decision that I'll eventually make, again, to trust God when things feel hopeless and like life is falling apart around me. And I know that the grace that He gives is sufficient for today, and that I'm not to worry about tomorrow.
But for all of the Superwoman front, I must confess that I'm scared out of my ever-loving mind. And there you have it, the full truth. I am not bulletproof.
Sigh. Pray for me. This is not easy. I have good days and I have bad days. This is just so hard.
Also, this week is just one where prayer is necessary at every turn. Please pray for dr. appointments this week - positive results from scans - and peace/comfort no matter what happens.