Wednesday, May 16, 2012

I just want chemo

Getting scans is one of the hardest parts of living with cancer. I wrote about the up and down roller coaster ride here.

As Kendra and I were waiting in the waiting room to hear the results of our most recent scans I turned to her and said something I've never said to her.

"I just want to go get chemo"

"I know, me too!" she replied.

Getting the chemo infusion begins the cycle which kicks my butt. Why do I have fond feelings for the infusion center? 

Six out of seven times when we've gotten scans the results have been stable or shrinking. So we talk to the Doctor, he says things are going well, and we head up to the infusion center. By the time I get plugged in and start the infusion, it hits you. The stress you've been carrying around for the last week or so just disappears in the knowledge that things are going okay. 

I hate chemo, but I love that feeling of things being okay. So when I said I just wanted to get up there, what I really meant was I'm just hoping for stable news so we can keep going a little while longer. 

Then we got bad news.

The cancer began to grow again. There would be no emotional release up in the infusion center today. There would be no pleasant feelings as the Benadryl is pumped into my body (it's a crazy feeling). Now we were having to talk about changing drugs. 

Maybe this drug or maybe that drug. Then we asked him about radiation again. Long story short we set up to meet with the Radiation Oncologist the next day. A night of anxiousness and wondering would this be the treatment that might work? 

The new Dr. enters the room and blows our minds by telling us he thinks he can get all the cancer, and we need to take a curative approach! 

What a relief! Not just status quo but maybe killing this cancer!

As I drove home that day it hit me. All I wanted from God was something average, status quo. I was afraid of the possibility of bad news. So instead of praying for a cure, or a miracle, I prayed for maintenance. 

Yet in order to get to the radiation treatment, the cancer had to start growing or else we would have just maintained. You see God's got it all in control. I don't. In the midst of the bend in the river you can't see forward, you can only see the sharp turn. It's scary and frightening. You can't see so you have to trust the guide who knows the way. 

His plans are higher than my plans. Sometimes we must endure moments of unknown or of difficulty in order to move forward. Abraham had to leave his homeland, Jacob was told to sacrifice Issac, Paul spent year studying and making tents while he was prepared for ministry. On and on it goes that God has a plan for your life. It often is not the way we would write it though. Are you brave enough to pray that God's will would be done no matter what it might mean? 


Stacie Knobel said...

Hey Ryan,
This post was really powerful for me. We just need to trust in His plans - whatever they are! We want to make plans that we think will fulfill His will. I don't think that is totally wrong (they can and sometimes inspired by Him), but we have to always remember to sit in obedience and listen. Thanks for writing today!

Praying for His will to be revealed, and hoping that He will be merciful to show us the "whys" sometimes,

Doreen said...

Wow...God's timing is perfect as we wait upon him. Your testimony while on this journey is inspiring to us all who seek the Glory Light of God. I pray for healing by the blood of Jesus to wash away the cancer in your body and Jesus to speak a fresh word of hope and a beautiful future for you and your family. Amen

cheryl kempf said...

Ryan we can kick thsi cancer's butt if we just leave it to our LOrd to help us understand everything is in his time. My cancer has stared to grow againa na dwas back to the Mayo and got another chemoembolizilation, thsi one knocked me for a loop. I have just started feeling human yesterday.....I pray fo ryou each night and for your tiny family ...If we don't meet here one day I'll see you in heaven.