On the road again...

Hey prayer warriors,

Holy cow, did those two weeks ever fly by!  Ryan and I have had an incredible time together in the interim between radiation/chemo and the first cycle of FOLFOX and Erbitux (which number cycle this is, I have no idea...I've totally lost count). We are headed to Chicago here in a little while so that we can do this cycle there.  We had planned on doing the treatment in Muskegon (near our hometown), but there was a lack of communication from Chicago to Muskegon, and then one of the drugs was rejected by the insurance company when Muskegon tried to clear the drugs through insurance.  Chicago is confident that there will be no billing issues with them, so we're on the road again...  Hopefully, this will all be cleared up two weeks from now so that we do not have to go to Chicago AGAIN and we can just go to Muskegon.

I have a long list of prayer requests to share with you:

First, I'm fearful, friends.  I know of two people currently going through FOLFOX that are doing just fine with the side effects (as a matter of fact, I recently did an all-day walking tour of Washington DC with one of them, and he held up quite well), but I am still scared of Ryan not doing well.  One of the FOLFOX drugs is Oxaliplatin, which has quite a few side effects and is a cousin to Cisplatin, the ugly drug that Ryan was on last year that caused so much nausea and numbness for him.  PLEASE pray for minimal side effects.

Second, we are mulling over, praying about, and seeking God's wisdom over three pretty major decisions that will have lasting impact on our lives.  Please pray for clarity and wisdom.  I can't share a ton right at the moment, but please just pray that God's will would be done, and that we would be guided by Him to make wise decisions.  We are very excited about all three possibilities.

Third, our sister-in-law is having a baby tomorrow, our third nephew!  Please pray for Jeremy, Megan, and baby boy Prudhomme - that they would be healthy, safe, and happy.  They live in the Dallas area.

Fourth, starting tomorrow we are making a big lifestyle change.  After having researched and been slapped across the face by some pretty compelling research and anecdotal evidence, we have been explicitly reminded by God about the importance of healing through nutrition.  This has nothing to do with our philosophy on eating animal products (Heaven knows how much we both love dairy and meat), but we are going to become essentially a "vegan/organic" family.  This is going to be really challenging for me as I am a typical Midwest young wife, and Ryan is a typical Midwest husband - I make meat and potatoes, he eats meat and potatoes.  We need to ensure that we are getting enough protein into his system and that he can maintain his weight, but we are confident that this is where He is leading.  If you run across Ryan and he seems grumpy, it could be that he is going through steak withdrawal.  Be kind. :)  Oh, and share delicious, easy vegan recipes with me if you have them!

Well, I think that covers the gamut of where we've been at.  We love you.  We continue to covet your prayer and your support and encouragement - this cancer journey is a long one, and at times is a very lonely one. We so love your comments, cards, and words of wisdom.  Thank you for walking with us!

...he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 

2 Corinthians 12:9a

Week 7 appointment times, and a (mostly) positive update.

Hi everyone,

As I type this, Ryan is receiving his first treatment of Week 7.  He has started his more targeted therapy, which means lower doses of radiation.  Lower doses + less general radiation will hopefully = less fatigue.  We're looking forward to that.  Along with that good news, we are going to be able to see the Tigers play the Cubs a couple of times this week, and we are extremely excited to make memories as a family at historic Wrigley Field!

So without further ado, here are Ryan's Week 7 appointments, in Central time:

Monday: 2:15 pm
Tuesday: 8:40 am
Wednesday: 8:40 am
Thursday: 8:40 am
Friday: 7:30 am

So the rest of this post is going to be a bit of a mixed bag.  I'm having a very up and down day emotionally because of a lot of news that has hit me like a ton of bricks in the last 24 hours, yet I'm trying to remain thankful for all of the positives.

Number 1, please pray for me (Kendra) as I adjust to the idea that my horse (Riata) is likely going to have to be put down.  We are having a vet come and check her out, but she appears to have some sort of neurological disorder that is worsening.  She is obviously in pain and at times can hardly walk or move, and my husband and a couple of horse people that we are close to and trust very much all think that there is little that can be done for her.  I am heartbroken.  In the midst of everything else swirling around me, I am just simply distraught that my beautiful girl is likely not treatable.

Number 2, we had an appointment today that was informative and full of positive news, and yet delivered a couple of crushing blows to me and my spirit.  We met with our primary oncologist to determine the "next steps" after radiation.  Let me temper my sadness with the outstanding news that Ryan is doing amazingly well and our oncologist is extremely hopeful and optimistic that radiation has done its job.  Bloodwork = spectacular.  Pain = gone.  We are blessed.


The part that I'm having a hissy fit about is that Ryan is likely going to be going on some pretty intensive chemotherapy starting only two weeks after the end of radiation (so likely sometime around July 9).  For those of you familiar with chemotherapy, this is the FOLFOX combination (Folinic acid, 5FU, and Oxaliplatin).  Ryan has not been on any of these drugs before, but he has experienced Oxaliplatin's cousins - Cisplatin and Carboplatin.  I am not in any way, shape, or form excited about him going on these drugs, but I do know that it is necessary.  Anyway, so it appears that he will be receiving these drugs in combination with Erbitux, another drug that I'm not familiar with.  I do know that he had to be tested for his response to Erbitux, and it appears that he is a candidate for it.  Our doctor also mentioned that in the future, Ryan is a candidate for using Tarceva - another type of drug that is more of a "maintenance drug" - not a cure, but something that could potentially buy him years of life.  Is the word "years" not the most beautiful word you've ever heard?

So why am I upset?  Because my dream was to have Ryan take a month or so off of treatment.  Just a month of normalcy, that's all I really wanted.  I wanted a quiet July, complete with maybe a small family getaway, lots of bonding time, and Ryan feeling awesome.  It appears that I will not be getting that dream, but I am absolutely, 100% thankful that our doctor is pushing for him to do this - I know that it's what is for the best.  I am so grateful for Ryan's response to radiation and that he's doing excellently.  I am also grateful that he is the world's biggest fighter and that he's raring to go for another chemotherapy combination.   I think that if it were me facing FOLFOX, I would be stomping my feet and in total refusal, but he is completely positive and happy to go through hell again for the sake of staying around with us.

On that note, we should hopefully be finding out sometime late July/early August what the results are of the radiation treatment.  Ryan is going to be having a big round of scans sometime around then to find out what is going on.  As I said, our doctor is reasonably hopeful that the cancer is gone for now, or at least very, very small.  If there is still only a tiny bit left, a chemoembolization or radiation spheres may be on the horizon.  We will not know until then what the next step is.  Our oncologist was quite adamant, however, that even the most positive of results (a PET negative) would still mean an additional 3-6 months of chemotherapy in order to ensure that the cancer was completely eradicated.

So all in all, this has been a day of many ups and downs.  Overall, I count myself very blessed that this week I am with my son AND my husband, and that he is feeling well.  That is a "win", indeed.

I just want chemo

Getting scans is one of the hardest parts of living with cancer. I wrote about the up and down roller coaster ride here.

As Kendra and I were waiting in the waiting room to hear the results of our most recent scans I turned to her and said something I've never said to her.

"I just want to go get chemo"

"I know, me too!" she replied.

Getting the chemo infusion begins the cycle which kicks my butt. Why do I have fond feelings for the infusion center? 

Six out of seven times when we've gotten scans the results have been stable or shrinking. So we talk to the Doctor, he says things are going well, and we head up to the infusion center. By the time I get plugged in and start the infusion, it hits you. The stress you've been carrying around for the last week or so just disappears in the knowledge that things are going okay. 

I hate chemo, but I love that feeling of things being okay. So when I said I just wanted to get up there, what I really meant was I'm just hoping for stable news so we can keep going a little while longer. 

Then we got bad news.

The cancer began to grow again. There would be no emotional release up in the infusion center today. There would be no pleasant feelings as the Benadryl is pumped into my body (it's a crazy feeling). Now we were having to talk about changing drugs. 

Maybe this drug or maybe that drug. Then we asked him about radiation again. Long story short we set up to meet with the Radiation Oncologist the next day. A night of anxiousness and wondering would this be the treatment that might work? 

The new Dr. enters the room and blows our minds by telling us he thinks he can get all the cancer, and we need to take a curative approach! 

What a relief! Not just status quo but maybe killing this cancer!

As I drove home that day it hit me. All I wanted from God was something average, status quo. I was afraid of the possibility of bad news. So instead of praying for a cure, or a miracle, I prayed for maintenance. 

Yet in order to get to the radiation treatment, the cancer had to start growing or else we would have just maintained. You see God's got it all in control. I don't. In the midst of the bend in the river you can't see forward, you can only see the sharp turn. It's scary and frightening. You can't see so you have to trust the guide who knows the way. 

His plans are higher than my plans. Sometimes we must endure moments of unknown or of difficulty in order to move forward. Abraham had to leave his homeland, Jacob was told to sacrifice Issac, Paul spent year studying and making tents while he was prepared for ministry. On and on it goes that God has a plan for your life. It often is not the way we would write it though. Are you brave enough to pray that God's will would be done no matter what it might mean? 

...and then I remembered that he has cancer.

So things were going awesome today.  It's super beautiful outside, the warmest March on record in Michigan.  The sun is shining!  My students were a lot of fun today, and I thoroughly enjoyed teaching them about possessive adjectives.  I know, that doesn't sound like fun to most of you.

So as I say goodbye to them and prepare to leave school to go out and enjoy this beautiful weather...

I remembered that I have to meet my husband in Muskegon today.

Not to go shopping, which is my favorite Muskegon event.

Not to go out to dinner, which is my second favorite Muskegon event.

But to take him to his chemo infusion.

Because he has cancer.

And all of a sudden I just felt really deflated and tears instantly sprung to my eyes.  I'm losing my happy, peppy, energetic husband to another stinking week of lethargy, nausea, and malaise.

HOW MUCH LONGER, GOD?  WHEN WILL YOU DELIVER US FROM THIS?!

Quick Update

Hey friends, I wanted to update you on some things real quick.

I have been having a tougher cycle this time around. Nothing major, or severe, but things seemed to be taking longer to shake off. Foggier, tired, and over all out of it. I didn't think much of it and wrote it off as just not feeling well.

Today I went to Muskegon for my second treatment of my cycle. Come to find out a lot of my blood counts were low. Too low to do treatment. This was pretty frustrating. It's not major. It is part of the process. It's really a praise to God that I haven't had to deal with my counts yet. To have gone for over 8 months without interruption is remarkable.

I will probably just skip this treatment and pick right back up again in a couple weeks. However I hate that we have to adjust anything. Please pray that my body can bounce back quickly and that this will not be a set back for us or a pattern.

Once again I have to choose my attitude. I am consciously choosing to be grateful that we haven't had to deal with the counts for so long. I'm also so grateful that I can rest in a comfortable home with my family while I recover. There are many people with so much less than I have.

We covet your prayers continually. Thanks.

What's going on?

Hey there everybody,

Well, like it or not, school is back in session.  For some of us, this means much busier times...like teaching, daycare, running around after school to practices, etc.  For some of you, it may be relief!  Phew, I'm home alone/with less children again!  I'm actually so busy lately that I'm typing this while on my lunch break at school, while scarfing down almonds (I have yet to actually remember to bring a lunch except for one day...sigh).  Busy feels good, most of the time.  Normalcy is something that I crave, even though my normal is a crazy schedule.

Being busy takes my mind off of things, which is a blessing in the moment but sometimes it can be overwhelming when things come rushing back.  As I was driving home from work yesterday (Monday), I began praying - and I hadn't even gotten out of Grand Haven before I was in floods of tears.  To say that I've been struggling with the question "Why us?" lately - that would be an understatement.  The question of why my son Colton's dad is in serious danger of losing his life, when there are plenty of deadbeat, awful dads out there - I cannot answer that in my finite wisdom.  It is so unfair.  God, why don't you just take jerks out of the world while they're young and leave us good people alone and let all of us live nice, long lives?

I know that this is irrational, and I know truths in my head.  But there is a huge disconnect sometimes between the truths that I know about God and what I feel in my heart.  This is precisely why I'm not worried anymore about how I'm going to handle all of this situation, because my head almost always wins out over my heart (my life is ruled by logic).  At the end of every difficult situation, I grudgingly make the choice to trust.  But getting between point A and point B can be a very sticky, difficult road sometimes.  When I'm having a downer day, it's because for the umpteenth time, I'm trying to figure out this tricky situation of giving up control issues.

Sigh.

In other news, Ryan and his dad are headed down to Zion today.  No big scans are scheduled, but please pray for excellent, encouraging bloodwork.  Please pray that Ryan's next treatment cycle goes very well...no serious nausea since the ugly cycle 3 in June, and we'd like to keep it that way.  His neuropathy is getting a little worse every cycle (since it has cumulative effects on the body), but it's still extremely manageable.  We would just really like it if it didn't progress hardly at all.

We've gotta pray these tumors away.  God is absolutely able.  Let's keep bringing it before his throne!

Round 5 (Ding ding ding!)

In one corner we have cancer.  Cancer has a track record of sometimes killing its opponents, but its effectiveness is becoming less and less as more doctors find ways to cure it.


In the other corner we have Ryan Prudhomme, 6 foot 2 inches tall, holding steady at 185 pounds, a 25-year-old, strong, courageous man who isn't afraid of cancer at all and has thousands of people praying for him, plus the anointing and power of the Holy Spirit. Watch out.


(Am I a nerd?  Ryan says I'm a nerd.  I guess he's pretty smart, so it must be true.)


Anyway, I digress.  I am writing this because Round 5 starts over again tomorrow.  Round 4 has been awesome, and Ryan has been feeling so good.  Except...well, yes there is an exception.  Can you please pray for a new symptom that has cropped up?  We're hoping that it's not important, but we are going to be asking our doctor about it tomorrow.

Colton is safe and well-cared for, as a wonderful lady from our church will be watching him for the next couple of days.  I can't wait to see him again on Thursday!  I just dropped him off an hour ago and I already miss him like crazy.

Update on Ryan

Hey everybody.  Well, things are going really quite well!  We think that the anti-nausea meds have REALLY been doing what they're supposed to be doing, and overall we're quite pleased with how Ryan is doing.  He is pretty tired and woozy, but that's easily remedied by taking frequent naps, sleeping lots at night, and sitting down most of the time!  However, he did walk around outside with me and Colton today, and he has been sociable and in a good mood.  He's been eating VERY well; I'd almost venture a guess that his appetite has been the best this cycle out of the four cycles he's done so far!

We're determined to enjoy this holiday weekend.  Ryan has been definitely pushing himself to keep in the game and not allow his chemotherapy regimen to make him miss out on things that he enjoys.  In that vein, he has played catch with his brothers (yes, both of them...Jeremy is visiting from Texas!), he went horseback riding with me for a little while yesterday, and has been playing with Colton quite a bit.

I really feel like life has slowly settled into a rhythm.  It's different, it's new, and I'm not sure yet that I can say that I "like" it (is there anything to like about the cancer lifestyle?), but there is a certain amount of predictability.  We have been closely watching a few people that have had this type of cancer and have similar stories to Ryan's, and they have had excellent prognosis.  We have hope!  There is always hope in our Lord. He is BIG!

Anger

Hi everyone, I've been pretty silent on this blog since Sunday, even though it's been a very eventful week.  You see, no one would want to read what's been going through my head this week.  I've been in a dark, angry place since...well, I'm not exactly sure when it started.  It's been a few days now.

It's all completely circumstance-related.  Ryan has had an awful week, dealing with side effects of chemotherapy and possibly even a stomach bug.  He has been SO sick, and we have been on vacation at a very nice rental house in Ludington since we got back from Chicago.  Although it was a nice place to recover from treatment, this is hands down the worst vacation I have been on.

But I don't really care about vacations.  I care about my husband.  And there have been so many times this week, where as I have been listening to him vomit in the bathroom again, I have burned with anger.  Why anger?  Well, as I told God this week, "You could so easily take this away from him.  You could touch his body and with that one touch, he could be relieved of these symptoms.  Why are you allowing him to be trashed like this?"  That's a pretty PG version of what I was saying at times.

I've not opened my Bible since Saturday.  Didn't even want to read about God's righteousness or mercy, I wanted to see it displayed by healing my husband.  This anger has caused me to be impatient with my son, short with my husband (like he needs that right now), and mopey.  And furthermore, I do not look attractive when I frown.

(Am I being too honest?  I hope that you're not aghast at how horrible I am...)

So I've been honest with God.  I'm not afraid to tell Him how I feel, but I am afraid of allowing anger to become a wedge in my relationship with Him.  Afraid of becoming like an Israelite.

Seemingly every time that the Israelites were in the desert and they had a problem, they took it out on poor Moses and complained against the Lord. "We have no water.  We don't like manna."  Their heads were totally buried in the sand. God was testing them! He was teaching them how to rely on Him for their every need. Unfortunately, the Israelites were thickheaded and it doesn't seem like they ever learned how to put their faith and trust in God. Their unbelief crippled their ability to allow the Lord's blessings to flow over them.

I don't want to be like the Israelites.  I want to trust God with every fiber of my soul, but it's easier to type that than it is to internalize it.  I know in my head that he has a plan for us, and I can still see that this cancer is a catalyst for something big.  I haven't lost sight of that.  But it's too easy to not see the forest through the trees, and this week was a big test for me.  I wish that I could say that I passed this faith test with flying colors...but by all accounts, I failed.  Miserably.

Lesson learned.  I'll do better next time.


And credit goes to Ryan, who so skillfully and even tactfully pointed out to me that my heart was totally in the wrong place.  Thanks, hubs, you are always my voice of reason.  I love you endlessly.

Just chillin' like villains...

Today has been a much better day than yesterday so far.  Ryan hasn't been feeling good by any stretch of the imagination, but he's not feeling awful.  Hooray!  My family just left here after celebrating my dad's 61st birthday. However, I couldn't find a "6" or a "1" in our birthday candles so I did "38" - close enough!

Even in the midst of cancer treatment, sleepiness, and sickness, Ryan is still about the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on.

Don't you think so, too? :)

Please pray.

Ryan is having a wicked time of it with this treatment.  Today has been very hard for him.  Please pray for diminished side effects.  They have been terrible.

In unrelated but more positive news, I'm pretty sure that Colton said his first word today (well other than "mama" and "dada").  He pointed at Tuff and very clearly said "dawwwg".  I wanted to respond "What's up G?"

But I didn't.  No worries.

Gotta go, sick hubs again.

Weekend update!

Hello praying friends, just to let you know, God answers prayer... in a big way.  We have been praying, and we know many of you have been praying for Ryan to have minimal side effects.  Guess what.  IT'S WORKING!

The only thing that Ryan has been suffering from is fatigue and slight nausea.  The nausea is perhaps more present than the last round, but Ryan has been much more in motion this time.  We were very busy with activities yesterday, but we made sure to take frequent rest breaks and Ryan did take a pretty long afternoon nap.  He slept in until 10 a.m. today, but he is feeling well enough to eat a healthy breakfast right away, and now he is playing with his son.  I can't tell you how much I love watching that!

Quick chemotherapy update

Ryan is still receiving his chemotherapy drugs right now. He's already had one drug, now he is working on the second one. So far he feels nothing. He's been pumped full of fluids and anti-nausea meds, and we're going to keep him full of those same things once we get back to the hotel tonight.

We are hoping to leave tomorrow morning for home, provided that Ryan is doing okay. Our oncologist suggested that we try to "outrun" the nausea, which will likely hit worst about 24 hours after Ryan receives the treatment.

A week from today, Ryan will receive one of the two drugs again - thankfully it will be the kinder, gentler drug of the two. We're not sure yet if we will be getting this near home or in Zion again. We are going to try to get in with a local oncologist, but the timeframe is kind of tight. It may not happen, but it really doesn't matter to us where he gets treatment. Then the third week, he will not receive any chemotherapy. Then the whole cycle repeats itself.

We are feeling your prayers, loved ones, friends, acquaintances, strangers. We can feel your support in a palpable way. The Lord is definitely sustaining us - He is good all the time.

Psalm 121:

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Quiet before the storm

Well I don't remember much about today. I was under anesthetic for a good portion of it. Two different procedures, but both went well. I am feeling the effects of having my port put in. This is an implant below my left collar bone. It is about the size a milk cap, maybe a little thicker. It will be there indefinitely and will be where the Chemo is administered.

The doctor said it did not appear to be any cancer in the colon. This was to be expected. He took a couple biopsies just to confirm and we should get those results tomorrow. However we are all moving forward finally that it is for sure cholangiocarcinoma. Therefore I will begin chemo tomorrow. I'm taking two drugs this week. One will be very difficult. High degrees of nausea and vomiting and it is worst for younger patients, go figure. I would rather be in pain than nauseous. It is probably my least favorite feeling. Please pray that the effects are limited.

Otherwise I am in high spirits. I'm glad we are finally able to begin doing something. This feels like an action step and I'm glad about that. We will now shift our prayers to God using the chemo to eliminate the cancer.

Please pray for my family tomorrow. Kendra is a kind and compassionate person. The amount of empathy in her soul astounds me. I am jealous of it. However she will almost literally go through this with me as she feels so keenly when I'm in pain or discomfort. Also I cannot imagine having to watch my son go through this. It will be difficult for my mother to see it as well. We all know this is an answer to prayer, but it will be tough for them to watch.

My motto for tomorrow will be, "my Grace is sufficient for you".