Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Riding the razor's edge between life and death

Seasons, guitarist, women, and cancer treatment....

What do they all have in common? 

A certain rhythm. 

Treatment, scans, results, treatment, scans, results, etc

This cycle has gone on for a year now. Every two to three months we have the dreaded "S" word... SCANS. 

What are scans like? 

Starting about a week or two before the appointment, what if thoughts, doubts, and worries start to creep into your mind like a spy. Sneaky and Deceptive.

As the day approaches anxiety rises until the day before I go into a kind of quiet sullenness. The weight of tomorrow builds and builds. Was that ache or pain real? Is the cancer spreading? How much longer can we ride this like we have? 

As we arrive at the hospital I go get the actual scans late in the afternoon. Now I have an evening to kill. Often times we'll hit the mall or watch a movie. Trying to find a distraction is a waste of time, but we still try. There's a weight on my chest and I can see it in my wife as well. 

Sleeping is usually not an option. Kendra and I are in a sad competition to see who is more wrestless. Tossing and turning, wondering what tomorrow will hold. 

As I wake the next morning, sometimes I forget what I'm doing for a second. Then it comes slamming home like an asteroid what is in my future. Is the chemo working? Do we need to change? What if the cancer is spreading? 

So many questions.

Breakfast is bland. My thoughts are racing. Then we head up to the Dr's Office. Minutes drag on as we wait for our names to be called. Sometimes I read scripture on my phone, other times I play mindless games. I can't really focus on anything for very long. 

"Mr. Prudhomme"

Deep breath, here we go, back to the examination room.

Now is the worst part. It's probably only five to ten minutes, but it feels like hours. Everybody that walks by gets your heart up. 

Maybe it'll be good news. But you don't want to let your hopes up. But maybe this is has been the right time to get things going. 

I try to discipline my mind not to expect anything. 

Knock Knock!

Hello Ryan, how are you? Well I looked at the scans and......

I hate scans, but through the process I have learned the importance of disciplining my mind. I can't control the results. I can however control what I do with the scary thoughts, the worries, and the anxiety. I can cast all my cares upon Christ. I can also will myself to be positive. 

Maybe it came from losing so many games in sports, but I have an uncanny ability to stay positive and choose not to be overwhelmed by my circumstances. 

What are the "scans" in your life? Choose your attitude no matter what. It's the only thing we can control sometimes.


Earlina said...

what a great reminder, wheres my focus, and my response is my responsibility!

Anonymous said...

Oh Ryan... You give me so much hope & faith in what the future holds for me. I know somehow God sent you & Kendra into my life @ a time when I needed someone so much. I have shut my mind off when it comes to dealing with this cancer - who am I kidding I have shut off my mind, my heart & my soul. After my 2nd diagnosis I forgot how to pray, how to talk to God... Slowly with the help of your blog I am finding my way back... Finding a way to turn my mind, my heart & my soul back on.
Thank you my friend in God,

Anonymous said...

You guys are just so great!!! I really do hope you know that!!! I hope all goes well with the "move" and the book!!!! :D

Ryan said...


Praise God that you are finding your way back to Him. We have had periods where we feel so far from God. Then it's even harder to reach out to Him. No matter how many steps we take away from God, He's still only one step away!

Lean on Him and He will show you the way.