Thursday, June 16, 2011


Hi everyone, I've been pretty silent on this blog since Sunday, even though it's been a very eventful week.  You see, no one would want to read what's been going through my head this week.  I've been in a dark, angry place since...well, I'm not exactly sure when it started.  It's been a few days now.

It's all completely circumstance-related.  Ryan has had an awful week, dealing with side effects of chemotherapy and possibly even a stomach bug.  He has been SO sick, and we have been on vacation at a very nice rental house in Ludington since we got back from Chicago.  Although it was a nice place to recover from treatment, this is hands down the worst vacation I have been on.

But I don't really care about vacations.  I care about my husband.  And there have been so many times this week, where as I have been listening to him vomit in the bathroom again, I have burned with anger.  Why anger?  Well, as I told God this week, "You could so easily take this away from him.  You could touch his body and with that one touch, he could be relieved of these symptoms.  Why are you allowing him to be trashed like this?"  That's a pretty PG version of what I was saying at times.

I've not opened my Bible since Saturday.  Didn't even want to read about God's righteousness or mercy, I wanted to see it displayed by healing my husband.  This anger has caused me to be impatient with my son, short with my husband (like he needs that right now), and mopey.  And furthermore, I do not look attractive when I frown.

(Am I being too honest?  I hope that you're not aghast at how horrible I am...)

So I've been honest with God.  I'm not afraid to tell Him how I feel, but I am afraid of allowing anger to become a wedge in my relationship with Him.  Afraid of becoming like an Israelite.

Seemingly every time that the Israelites were in the desert and they had a problem, they took it out on poor Moses and complained against the Lord. "We have no water.  We don't like manna."  Their heads were totally buried in the sand. God was testing them! He was teaching them how to rely on Him for their every need. Unfortunately, the Israelites were thickheaded and it doesn't seem like they ever learned how to put their faith and trust in God. Their unbelief crippled their ability to allow the Lord's blessings to flow over them.

I don't want to be like the Israelites.  I want to trust God with every fiber of my soul, but it's easier to type that than it is to internalize it.  I know in my head that he has a plan for us, and I can still see that this cancer is a catalyst for something big.  I haven't lost sight of that.  But it's too easy to not see the forest through the trees, and this week was a big test for me.  I wish that I could say that I passed this faith test with flying colors...but by all accounts, I failed.  Miserably.

Lesson learned.  I'll do better next time.

And credit goes to Ryan, who so skillfully and even tactfully pointed out to me that my heart was totally in the wrong place.  Thanks, hubs, you are always my voice of reason.  I love you endlessly.


Jenni said...

I thought about you guys this morning as I was listening to the radio and heard a woman sharing the story of how her friend was miraculously healed of cancer. A thought similar to yours slipped through my mind, "why Ryan, God? You've proven over and over that You are the Healer, so why haven't You taken this away from him yet?" Then, I heard the lady say her friend is a new Christian and this is exactly what she needed as she was learning to trust God. That was His answer for me. He reminded me that He has chosen you two to bear this because He believes in you. He knows your strength and your faith will give Him the glory He deserves when this season is over. You are the modern day Job that He is using to teach me new things about my own faith. For that, I rejoice, and pray that you will find comfort in His provision.

Love you guys,
J. Hankins

Lee said...

Even in the most frustrating times, you BELIEVE Him. I don't think He expects us to get it. Or feel it- all the time. This anger is useful too, as evidenced here. You are loved much.

Laura said...

As I walk out my own trial in the desert, I also so desperately want to not be an Israelite and have to keep walking around and around. I don't want to crab at my heavenly Father, but sometimes you feel like exploding. When life is so painful, it's natural to hurt and be angry. It's what you do with that anger that counts. Telling God you are angry and being honest about it is half the battle of not letting it turn into destructive bitterness. It's a tough row to hoe. Just know that you are lifting people up through your faith and your honesty as you and Ryan go through this. I will keep praying for your miracles and I keep praying for my own.