I've been so busy the last three weeks that I really haven't had much of a chance to think about the scans that we had coming up. This was a blessing in disguise. I don't do well sitting still. I get restless, anxious, and irritable. Just ask Kendra.
This past weekend was really busy. Football, speaking at TIU, and lots of great time spent with my brother Corey (which was awesome). Then Sunday night things seemed to start slowing down and I was confronted with what I would be facing in a few days.
Monday my scans didn't start until two pm. So there was more waiting all morning. I distracted myself with a book, and the Internet, but my nerves were quickly rising, and I started to feel myself getting quiet and tense. My first scan was a pet scan. I'd never had one so I didn't know what to expect. They give you radio-active sugar water through an IV. No big deal I'm getting used to IV's at this point. However then they make you sit still for 45 minutes. No reading, no phone, no distractions.
Wow! That was worse than any needles or other tests. You really expect me to sit still with nothing other than my thoughts? I tried praying, singing songs, but my mind kept coming back to "what if's" and "could be's". This was brutal.
Then the test began. I was on a bench that slides into a MRI looking machine, with my arms strapped to my side. The test takes about 45 minutes. More sitting perfectly still with nothing but my thoughts! Only now it got worse!
I got an itch on my nose after about 15 minutes. Couldn't scratch it, couldn't touch it, and all I could do was to focus on it and squish my nose hoping it will go away.
That itch is like cancer. The more you focus on it, the more you feel it. Our arms are tied down, for the most part we can't control who gets it, where it comes, and whether it stays or goes.
Then as I settled more into a groove praying and singing some old hymns, the intensity of the itch started to diminish. The more I take my eyes off cancer and put my focus onto God, the less significant the cancer becomes. It becomes a matter of perspective. Life is a matter of perspective. I was anxious heading into the scans because my perspective was on myself and not on the God of the universe whom I serve.
What is your perspective focused on?
Yourself, a pursuit of money, protecting what feels comfortable, big houses, promotions?
Hebrews 12:2 - Let us fix our eyes on Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith.