Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Finding my father's lap again

Complete breakdown. It happened. As much as some people keep telling me, I'm no superman. It's really odd because we got good news a couple weeks ago, but things have been very difficult lately. It started a couple months ago, and in the last two weeks we reached situation overload. Physically I still feel really well. However the mental and emotional toll that cancer is taking on me while unseen from the outside, is just as real and just as overwhelming at times.

There have been total emotional breakdowns, difficulty managing stress, anxiety, mood swings, anger, and more. I would go on, but you'd never read my posts again. It has not been pretty.

One of the things that set me off and that I've been struggling with is in Michigan it's been firearm hunting season since November 15th. I really like to hunt. I'm not die hard, and am actually not even that good, but I really enjoy it. It's been a very busy couple months for me at work. It's just one of those seasons. So I've been really hoping to get away and spend some time in the woods. The more I tried to get ahead so I could get out of the office, the more things piled up and the more I stressed until I finally lost it. 

This afternoon I finally got out into the woods for a few hours. I just bought a new rifle and was very excited to take it out and hopefully initiate it. As I sat in the tree stand waiting, I started to read a book that's been on my list for a while, Why Pray by John Devries. After a couple chapters on prayer, I set it down and started a conversation with God.

As I was thanking God for my son Colton, I started to think about the times I am blessed by him. One of my favorite experiences is when he gets hurt. No I'm not a terrible, rotten human being. Colton is always going and moving. He often runs into walls, trips and falls, or superman dives off the couch. As much as he carries on, cries, fusses, and acts like he's dying, he's really not. However in his mind, the world is falling down on top of him, and at that moment he instantly is looking for me. He crawls up on my lap and places all his tears on my shoulder. 

So why do I enjoy it when he gets hurt? I don't, what I love is as a father that time where I can wrap my arms around him and completely love on him. I can bring him back to a place of joy and peace merely by him being in my presence. He doesn't sit still on my lap very often, but when he's scared or hurt it's like he doesn't want anything else than to be in my presence.

Apparently with all this stress and freaking out these last couple weeks, God and I needed to spend a couple hours of quality time together. I got absolutely skunked tonight in the woods. I saw one doe that might've been a large squirrel, she was so small. I did however get to spend a solid three hours in prayer crawling up on my father's lap and seeking nothing but his presence. 

I've had a few moments these last couple weeks that have been as trying as any during this whole process. Instead of seeking God right away, I tried to fix things and deal with them on my own. I don't think God enjoys it when we are struggling, but oh how He must long for those moments when we as His children finally crawl back on His lap and say, "I need you". 

I have so much to be thankful for. I never thought I would even be able to hunt this year when I was told about the cancer in April. I can't wait to get back into the woods tomorrow whether I see another deer or not, I will be on my father's lap.


Melissa said...

Thank you Ryan for your honesty and willingness to be so open about your feelings. Reading this reassures me that you really ARE human and not some super human who can handle anything. If you hadn't had a complete breakdown sooner or later then I would have been worried. You can't handle everything on your own, as you found out. I am so comforted to know that you realized what God was trying to tell you. And isn't it a wonderful thing that he used your love for your own son to show you how he adores and loves you. How HE longs to have you cry on HIS shoulder over your hurts and worries.
I continually pray for you daily. You are an inspiration to us all...even on your bad days. Take care my friend.

Anonymous said...


Darryl Jones - DJ said...

I am thankful for our friendship and the impact you've had on my life. Still wearing my COWBOY UP wristband and STILL PRAYING FOR YOUR FULL RESTORATION...PLUS 7-FOLD THAT THE THIEF MUST REPAY...IN THE NAME OF JESUS!

Much Love,
Darryl Jones - DJ

Ryan said...

Thank guys, I appreciate all the support and

Jeremy Prudhomme said...

I think this might have been your best article...I really enjoyed seeing you and Colton this last week...stay strong man and keep sharing!

Barbara / Mimi' said...

My heart breaks that you have had to suffer so much. Having suffered from depression and emotional pain for most of my long life, I understand that it can and does take more out of you than physical pain can.
You CAN AND WILL GET THROUGH ALL OF THIS.....God can and will continue to bless and guide you BECAUSE YOU HAVE PUT YOUR LIFE IN HIS HANDS.
There is so much love 'out here' for you, dear Ryan.
Continue to remember that ....and don't be afraid to 'be human' in front of us.....we will still love you !! lol And you will continue to be an inspiration to us. Don't be afraid to ask us for prayer and any kind of help we may be able to give - we want [and need] to be there for you....please let us be. You don't always need to be strong for us....maybe sometimes He wants us to be strong for you. Call on us as you continue to call on Him.

Anonymous said...

You said, "Odd because we got good news a couple of weeks ago---but now there have been emotional breakdowns; anger; difficulty managing stress; anxiety; mood swings; and has not been pretty.
Those things do not seem ODD ......isn't this what satan does to us when he wants to distrack us from Praising God for the good news ???

OMG!! OMG! You have helped me to see [by giving me this 'food for thought'] that this is EXACTLY what satan has been doing to me lately....and I didn't see it till this very minute !!!! OMG I can't believe it....satan is so suttle in the ways he works....
Praise God for showing us these things !!! Praise God!