Happy birthday, dear Ryan, happy birthday to you

Today we remember you, Ryan.  Your fire, energy, drive, passion, love for family, and above all, utmost devotion to your Savior.

To remember him on today, his 29th birthday, I asked some of Ryan's closest family members and friends to tell me why they are thankful for his years with us, and what they miss.

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"Ryan was a great friend. He always did the right thing, because it was the right thing to do.  I looked up to him for it and respected the man he was.  He put his faith, family, and friends first and did it with dignity. I listened to him speak in my patrol car  on the radio one day, and I'll never forget the topic: 'living your legacy'.  He was discussing the importance of thinking about your legacy as you live your life. It was as if an angel was talking to me at that very instant, telling me to think about how I will be remembered, about living my own legacy.  I think about that day often and will never forget it.  Also, about one month after Ryan passed away, I could not sleep and was restless. I had just separated from my girlfriend and was stressed from work. When I fell asleep, I began to dream about Ryan. I saw him in a cowboy shirt and hat. I saw beautiful rolling hills and an open space ranch that glowed in the morning sun. Ryan was looking at me with that distinct smile and in that moment, I knew it was not a dream. I felt peace, calm, and free of any worries. I knew he saw me hurting and wanted to help me. That is the kind of friend he was and I miss him." -David

"I am thankful for Ryan for many reasons.  I love that he loved the Lord and how courageous he was. I love that he set the bar high for us to follow so that we could continue his legacy.  As a small boy, he was so determined and ready to take on the world.  He taught me a lot about a strong-willed child, and a lot about myself as well.  I love how he was with us as a family, always going out of his way to support Brandon and our family. Some of Brandon's favorite memories are hunting weekend with Ryan and his Nerf gun fight at his birthday party.  I love how he adored Kendra and Colton and even in his illness, he strived to have relationships with his family." -Aunt Marjie

"I'm thankful for Ryan because he was the big brother I didn't have. Because of him, I think I'm a little tougher, understand boys a little better and have experienced more farts and burps than I would've liked. [Editor's note: hear, hear] But Ryan also taught me not to apologize for my age or my wiring, that it was ok to be passionate but always with purpose and to be caring at the end of the day. There are still times I want to tell him something, to hear his response and it aches. I'm thankful for his larger-than-life personality that makes remembering that much easier." -Abby

"I'm thankful for Ryan for so many reasons, but I so admire his sense of purpose and determination. Oh, and he always made me laugh. I remember the first Sunday I saw you two at GLBC.  On the drive home I said to Nate (my husband), 'Did you see the cowboy?' In that moment I had no idea what a huge impact you would both have on our lives! I'm so thankful for your couple of years in Lansing. Friendship, accountability, laughs, small group, and spiritual growth.  Happy birthday, Ryan!" -Lauren

" 'Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful,
       **And let us consider how we can SPUR one another toward love and good deeds.'
We believe Ryan lived this passage and many were encouraged to live faithfully for the Lord." - Grandma Jean

"As his 29th birthday was approaching I have been filled with a kaleidoscope of memories. The one I am most proud of was his commitment to live his life surrendered to the Lord. He became a man of great faith. No matter how hard the circumstances were he chose to be radically obedient. He never put it on; it came deep from within through the Word of God that he embedded into the core of who he was. Ryan was so in love with Kendra. She was the best thing that ever happened to him. Together they created a lot of energy, and out of that came Colton. The memories of Ryan as a husband and father keep me smiling. I miss Ryan and his passion for Grace Adventures. He shared in our vision for Grace to reach this generation of young people and strengthen the family to Impact the World with Jesus Christ.  Happy birthday, my son.  I love you to heaven and back." -Steve, his father

"Ryan, today you would be celebrating your 29th birthday. I still often wonder why it was you that was chosen to leave this earth at such a young age. I miss you horribly and think of you often. I miss watching sports with you, even though we weren't always cheering on the same team. I thank God for the memories and time that we did have.  Happy birthday in heaven." -Chris

"Ryan didn't hide behind a mask, he was who he was and he was fine letting people see the rough edges along with the depth. I appreciate that transparency and time with Ryan challenged me to be genuine in my interactions with others and not try to be who I think they want me to be." - Jenny

"'As iron sharpens iron so shall one man sharpen another.'  There is no man who I felt as loved by or whom I loved as deeply, with whom I debated as intensely, and with whom I served side-by-side as passionately as Ryan Prudhomme.  He sharpened and honed me into a usable instrument of God. I like to think I sharpened him some too." -Chad

"I am thankful I knew Ryan because Ryan stood for Jesus. My first memory of him is as a young freshman in high school standing for truth, and my last memory is a young man weakened with disease continuing to proclaim the same truth. I am thankful to have known him and even more thankful for the promise of eternity to see and be with my friend again." -Crystal

"I'm thankful Ryan broke trail for me in life. Even when the conditions were tough, he always had a heart of perseverance and righteousness. I am thankful for his sense of humor. I miss belly laughing with him all the time. I am thankful for and miss our time fishing or watching a game or talking about things that matter in life." -Jeremy, his brother

"I am thankful that Ryan fully surrendered his strong will to the Lord. He always pushed me to raise the bar in whatever we were working on. I am thankful too that I was able to see him grow and mature as a man and in his faith! And that God allowed me to be a mini part of that process." -Ben

"I always saw Ryan as a person with the kind of faith I want to have. He not only knew and believed the Word of God, he lived it. I admired that about him and am thankful that he is a role model for me in that regard. I am also thankful for the FUN. I have great memories of dune rides, horseback riding, watching fireworks, making dough boys on the campfire, hot-tubbing in the winter, and watching Star Wars and the Avengers. I'm thankful for our friendship and for the adventures." -Kari

"I loved him for how hard he fought cancer, and how he spoke about it. He meant so much to so many and is missed daily. His nephew has had a tough time losing him and still will cry out of the blue.  He is definitely loved and missed.  I'm thankful that he was a great role model and great man in how he lived his life." -Ryan

"Ryan could pick on me, challenge me, and encourage me all in the same sentence. He did it all with the same big smile. He spurred me on.  Like spurs, he was not always the most gentle of tools but God used him to often direct my life.  For that I am thankful." -Mike

"I'm thankful for Ryan for: his skills in securing lawn chairs in a Jeep and safely driving the dunes, and providing first aid when he failed at both of those, his ability to make anyone and everyone feel welcomed and loved, introducing me to his parents and grandparents, marrying my dearest friend, giving the world the sweetest, most honest, and hilarious little boy, and living his life completely trusting in God's plan." -Monica

"I will always remember Ryan as a man of deep conviction and care. Ryan lived boldly and spoke honestly, and in our friendship that means he challenged and supported me. We didn't get to spend much of our friendship in the same geographical place, and yet I would list him (and Kendra) as one of the people closest to my heart - who knew me well enough to cheer me on while spurring me on to follow God's lead.  Friends like that are God-given and precious...I miss him." -Amy

"Ryan was always 100% dedicated to everything he did and everyone he loved." -Tricia

"Ryan's commitment until the end was so personally challenging to me. Tonight I heard the song, "10,000 Reasons". I now have a visual picture of what it looks like to when your strength is failing and your time has come, to have your soul still praise God. I know times were hard. I know Ryan and Kendra argued with God about His decision. But he made the choice to surrender, despite his circumstances, despite his feelings and despite him wanting to be in charge. I am so grateful for that example and hope it is an example that I can learn to follow." -Hannah

"Ryan became a good friend of mine after he asked me to be his mentor a few years ago. We talked at least once a month, mostly about leadership and his hopes for the future. But he also wanted to talk often about being the best husband and father he could be. He loved Kendra and Colton deeply and wanted his life to reflect his commitment to them by growing in his relationship with God. Ryan truly became a hero and role model to me over the last two years of his life. He added so much to my life – I’m certain it was more than I contributed to his. I think of him often and miss our conversations each month. In honor of Ryan’s birthday, if I could just get him to call me one more time (I wonder what the caller ID would say), I would tell him, “Ryan, you blessed me deeply by allowing me to share your life and your journey. God made you so unique and used you so powerfully to touch countless lives. Thank you for the gift of your friendship. I love you, man.'" -Gregg

"Ryan, you are missed.  But on your birthday I don't focus on how much I miss you.  Instead I choose to look at how thankful I am to have called you my brother.  You blazed a trail for me to follow and showed me what mistakes not to make...but more importantly, you showed me how to be a man.  How to accept the things in our life that we have no control over.  How to fight when the world says there is no hope.  And how to support others when you can barely support yourself.  Everyone saw all these things as you walked through your battle with cancer, but I had the awesome privilege of seeing them every day as we grew up together.  Again I will say, I'm so thankful to have called you my brother." -Corey

"Happy birthday, Ryan.  I'll always remember the day we met in 5th grade and how much I hated you.  But after many fists were thrown and hurtful words mumbled, we became best friends and brothers.  I'm so thankful for you in my life.  And I'll always remember, 'Jake...there's more to life!'  I love you brother, and I miss you a lot!" -Jake

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On this day, I'm grieving for myself and Colton, and for all the people that would way rather grab a piece of cake from Ryan's birthday party than sit in silence and deeply miss him.  But today I also celebrate...I'm just grateful that he was born.  That he happened.  That I got to marry him and build a life with him.  That he passed along the same winning smile, stubbornness, high-octane intensity, and unbelievable charm to his only son.  If this high-energy, loud, maddeningly confrontational, thoughtful, deep, and mind-blowing intelligent person had never happened, I can't imagine how different I would be as a person.  Thank you, Ryan, for helping me be a far better version of myself, and for believing in me and pushing me to greater heights when I did not believe that I had it in me.  Thank you for demonstrating to me that surrendering my whole life and my whole purpose to Jesus will define who I am, what I do, and give me a framework for every decision.  I think that every single one of the above people would agree that our lives are richer and we are better people because of the influence you had on the world around you.  You are so loved!  Happy birthday in heaven to you; I'm sure that you are celebrating in a way today that is unfathomably awesome.

The silver lining

One week after Ryan's funeral, I found myself lying flat on my face on my bedroom floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

Given that our new house was not completely unpacked yet, I decided that following Saturday to attack my bedroom and get some of the boxes out of the way.  Along the way, there had to be at least fifty emotional landmines.  What was I supposed to do with the items from Ryan's nightstand?  His eyeglasses?  His socks?  Meaningless items, but it was still hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that he did not need these anymore.  All of this was difficult, but it did not compare to the ammunition provided by a stack of handwritten letters, tied with a black ribbon.

When Ryan was 17, he spent a summer in Wyoming "cowboying" on a ranch.  He did not have much internet access, and this was prior to texting.  So we went old-fashioned that summer.  Countless letters and postcards were sent between Hart, Michigan and Cody, Wyoming.  We had been dating for about a year and a half, and we were crazy, crazy in love.  I made the stupid, absolutely insane decision to read the letters that day.

"I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you..."
"I am so looking forward to growing old with you and playing with our grandkids..."
"I could spend eighty years with you and never grow tired of you..."

Suddenly, the fact that all of our dreams for a long life together, horses, children, grandchildren, traveling, and ministry had been cut down and destroyed hit me like a ton of bricks, and I crumpled and hit the floor.

There is no time period of my life that has been more excruciating than the spring of 2013.  And sometimes I have struggled to make any sense of it. Why?  Why this pain?  Why me?  Why Ryan?  Why Colton?  Does this pain have any purpose?!  Is there any silver lining?

It does have purpose.  And there is a silver lining.

Fifteen months ago, I wrote a blog post about suffering.  This post is not going to be a replica of that one, which was about sharing in the sufferings of Christ and why suffering is beneficial for us in the long run.  Today, I'm simply searching for what I have to be thankful for.  I am redeeming the pain that I have suffered.  My God has promised me that His plans are meant for my good, and that He has given me hope and a future.  Today I am looking for what has been for my good.

Because of this pain, I...

• have become a better parent.  Being the only parent of a grieving child has taught me even more about compassion and patience.  It has forced me to be less self-focused at a time when I could easily be all about myself.  My little boy lost his father and he doesn't fully understand why.  Anything that I'm going through pales in comparison to his situation.
• have learned to take better care of myself.  I am very in tune with my needs at the moment.  Some days I need alone time to recharge, and I'm making that a priority.  Sometimes I need to be with my friends.  I need to exercise and eat food that makes me energetic.  I need to have fun and laugh and do things that I enjoy, so I'm doing that.
• have learned to appreciate happiness (even small measures of it) and not take it for granted.  When something comes along that truly makes me grin, I recognize that and I thank God for it.  A beautiful sunset, a wonderful conversation, a walk-off Tigers win, a well-brewed pot of coffee, a good book, a bike ride through creation, or even just a really funny TV show - I am so grateful for these things.
• have learned (re-learned?) to rely on the Lord for my joy.  All of the things listed above are wonderful, but they do not compare to the deep contentment that comes from knowing Him and trusting Him and being thisclose to Him.
• will be a better spouse (if God chooses that for me) in the future.  I can easily look back and pick apart all of the faults that I had when I was married to Ryan, but that is futile.  Let's just say that I grew a lot in seven years, and Ryan pushed me to be a better person. (Anyone who knew Ryan well is probably smiling, imagining what I mean by that.) What is most important is that I learned not to take someone for granted because we are not guaranteed (at all) that we will have our spouse into old age.  Each day is a gift.

I never would have chosen the road that I've been on.  The price that I had to pay to learn all these lessons - when I think about that price, it is almost too much to bear.  I still have to pinch myself when I think, I buried my 27-year-old husband.  It is still totally surreal.  But despite the grief, the emotional triggers that appear out of freaking nowhere, I know that I'm moving forward.  I have finally come to the place where I am thankful for what I have, what I had, and I am not mourning all the time but rather I'm celebrating because my God has once again proven Himself to be enough for me.  I have been so blessed.  So blessed.

Are there still hard days?  Absolutely.  Don't ask me about the night before Colton's first day of preschool last week; it's a tear-filled haze.  Am I still in pain?  Yes, and I imagine that I will always feel those sharp twinges of pain throughout the rest of my life.  But I am reminded of Psalm 40:1-3 at this stage in my life:

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.

Because I have been redeemed, my hymn of praise will continue, undaunted.  Christ's sacrificial love for me is the ultimate silver lining.

Updates, thanksgiving, and prayer request.

Hello blog readers,

I know that we have been noticeably silent on here lately.  And I literally have about ten minutes to update our blog before we race off to the next thing, so here is a bulleted list (I know, LAME) of what is new with us:

• Ryan is en route to Pennsylvania (as I write this) to speak at the Christian Camps and Conference Association Allegheny Sectional.
• Please be in prayer for him as he speaks.  He's feeling better, but has been battling a cold/cough for the last two weeks and when he gets into a coughing fit, it's kind of ugly.  It will not be easy for him to teach three workshops while he's got a serious tickle in his throat.
• I have started a new job at the Muskegon Area ISD.  Less drive time (woot!) and it is a counseling job.  It was sad to leave Grand Haven but I'm very excited to be doing what I'm doing, counseling students and working with the staff at the Career Tech Center.  Loving it!  I am so thankful to be doing exactly what I've always wanted to do in education, which is to be a counselor - but it has made me BUSY!
• We are in the final stages (inspections, etc.) of purchasing a new home and will hopefully be moving in a few weeks.  In case you were wondering what Ryan's big, exciting news was on Facebook a couple of weeks ago - there you have it!  We are hopefully/probably moving (barring any unforeseen problems) to the southeast side of New Era - I'm actually pretty surprised that it's not a Rothbury address.  Please pray for the sale of our current home.  If you are handy and would like to help with a few minor projects that we need to do, feel free to let us know. :)  Or if you have an overabundance of brawn and would like to help us move, that would also be most appreciated!
• We are on our way to Chicago this week (Wednesday/Thursday) to do scans and start a new chemo regimen.  We are slightly nervous about the outcome, given that there was a tumor that was growing at the last scans and we haven't had the chance yet to do anything to treat that tumor.  So we are hopeful that that is not doing too much, and we are grateful to start systemic therapy again that can target ALL of the cancer.  As always, prayer is much appreciated for that.
• Ryan is deeply involved with the writing of his letters to Colton, the book project that he and Larry Leech are working collaboratively on.  We are actually to the point where we could send sample chapters and the proposal to publishers, so that could use some major prayer.
• Colton is doing awesome and we are starting to actually think about PRESCHOOL - crazy that he could enter this fall.  We are going to hold off (we think) for another year, but it is just insane to be thinking about such things.  Wasn't he just born last week?  I guess not, seeing as how he's talking in crazy long sentences, singing, using his imagination, and cracking jokes.  I just love that boy!
• Please be in prayer for Ryan's recent symptoms, which could still be after effects of the two therasphere treatments that he did in November and January.  Fatigue, lack of appetite, and increased bilirubin levels have been the main culprits.
• Ryan just celebrated his 27th birthday three days ago!  27!  We love that number but we love 28 much, much more.  Please keep praying for Ryan to see as many birthday candles on top of a cake as possible.
• And in case you were wondering, Tigers individual game tickets go on sale March 2nd.  I'm ridiculously excited for that date to come.  We have missed baseball around here and hope to get to a few more games this year!

Well there you have it, the major update of what is going on around here.  Please know that we love you all, and we love hearing from you.  We are grateful for your prayer support and covet it in the next week especially.as we head into scans.

2 Corinthians 4: 7-18

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Thankful, yet worried.

Hello friends,

This is a day to remember what the Lord has done for us!  We are grateful for His provision and his mercies and since last year, we have tried to live each day with Thanksgiving. (See this previous post.)

Yet today is a concerning day.  I write this post from a Marriott in Kalamazoo - another day, another hotel.  We came here last night to rest before our family's Thanksgiving dinner today in Gull Lake.  However, Ryan has been having increasingly concerning symptoms, most notably intense pain.  We are not sure why the pain is here.  He has had slight, intermittent pain throughout his whole journey, but not this prolonged and not this severe.  He literally can hardly breathe or move.  We are unsure whether or not this is cancer metastasis, or simply irritation from yesterday's procedure.  We are praying for the latter.  We are also praying for wisdom.

We will keep you posted, but in the meantime - enjoy your Thanksgiving and please pray for us!

Can you be thankful when things are taken away?

"I'm going to church in God's country tonight."

That is what I yelled two Sundays ago as I headed out on the trail in the Big Horn Mountains and crested the first ridge. This is what I saw!

It was my favorite sermon I had heard in a while! And so began an incredible journey over the next five days. We would ride anywhere from four to eight hours a day, make camp at a new spot every night, and get up and do it again.

I don't generally pay much attention or spend much time thinking about the day a doctor at MAYO told me I had less than a year to live. This trip, I couldn't get it out of my head. I just kept shaking my head at the absurdity of a "terminal" cancer patient going to almost 10,000 feet and doing a pack and trail trip. Not to mention I did it in between chemo cycles without a delay.

This was a special trip. I've been in the mountains before (not these). I've seen incredible country in my life. In the past my response as I come upon another stunning vista was to say, "wow". This trip I constantly found myself saying, "thank you". Every time I thought about where I could be at this time, about my friends who are suffering from this disease, about my family, I said, "thank you".

Every time I saw something that took my breath away, or a trail mate helped me with the labors of making camp, I said, "thank you". (There's a cow and calf moose pair in this pic)

As I looked for a place the first morning to do my devotions, I meandered my way down to the creek we camped next to for water. It was a gorgeous morning and I took my little stool and my bible from my saddle bags and sat next to the running water.

I had been reading Nehemiah, but flipped to the Psalms and stumbled upon the 23rd Psalm. It took on a new meaning for me. A passage I'd memorized when I was in third grade now came alive.


Psalm 23
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
The Lord, the Psalmist’s Shepherd.

A Psalm of David.

23 The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.


I had just taken my horse off the high lines from the evening and let him loose in the pasture. He was ecstatic.

Now I sat next to the still water, and the imagery hit me hard. Even though I'm in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I felt like my cup was overflowing abundantly  I felt so undeserving of the blessing of being able to make this trip. I felt overwhelmed by all that God has given me over the last year.

Well we pressed on and hit the trail again. This trip was a big risk. We would be riding into the Cloud Peak Wilderness area. Nothing wheeled or motorized is allowed into this uninhabited reserve. Even emergency helicopters have to get special permission to land. We would be about a days ride away from help if anything happened. I won't lie, and I'll tell you that some people in my life were a little worried about how I would do.

I had prayed and listened and in the end felt at peace that this was an okay thing to do. The second day was going well. I felt great, the horses were doing well, and we were seeing some amazing scenery. We came to probably the steepest toughest climb of the entire trip. I was leading, and we decided to head up the windy trail. It was a very steep grade that we were cutting across on about a 10-12 inch wide path. The footing was extremely loose and sandy.  To our right was the incline and to our left was a decline for about fifty yards then a drop off of a couple thousand feet. About two thirds of the way up my horse who is only five and still learning what he's capable of starting to get squirrelly. I could feel it and spurred him hard to keep him going.

He started to lose his footing and slip down the hill sideways. I quickly realized he had stopped listening to me and was in survival mode. I stepped off him on the up hill side and as I hit the ground I lost my footing and slid underneath him. I quickly scrambled up the hill and still holding on to him as he started sliding down the hill backwards began a tug of war with a 1200 pound animal falling off a mountain.

Needless to say I lost and the horse got loose. I thought he might keep sliding down the hill and hit the cliff, but fortunately he caught himself on a small tree and got his balance.

I was running on adrenaline but could already tell I didn't have much more energy to chase him all over this mountain and get him up the hill. The other riders kept going to get their horses up the hill and to safety. My good friend Chad who drove out with me and really made this trip happen for me from a logistical stand point, let his pack horse loose and rode down to my saddle horse. Chad and Cruz were able to grab my horse and get him back up the trail and up the mountain.

This is the view from the top of that mountain!

In the end I didn't have a scratch (a sore arm and shoulder but no blood), my horse had a nick in his leg (a long ways away from his heart) and we all had quite a story. I did however have a another example of how my amazing living God provides and protects. As I sat on the top of that mountain catching my breath the same words came to my lips... "thank you".

The next couple of days were an incredible journey through more mountains, valleys, lakes, and panoramic views.

I asked you for prayer for direction in some areas of my life. It's hard to be in that environment and not feel like God is talking to you. I prayed, listened, and sat still. There was no audible revelation, but there was a growing sense of peace about a decision I needed to make. As I came to that conclusion a familiar phrase came to my mind, "thank you".

This entire trip was a blessing and a privilege. When I start to struggle and get discouraged I often am thinking about all the things I can't do anymore. I can't play sports, work around the house much, think straight all the time, make plans for the future, commit to events with confidence, and so much more.

I often share that if I look at the activities and desires of my life as a right, then I get offended when I don't get to do them. I am resentful and bitter as I feel I've been robbed of certain things "I deserve".

When I look at all those things as a blessing and a privilege, then when God allows me to encounter and experience them, I'm overflowing with gratefulness. It's such an unexpected gift that I can't help but say "thank you".

This is a good place to live. Simple things like an evening with my son, or a sale at work, or a little spurt of energy can make your day. Big things like a trip out west with some incredible friends, the opportunity to connect with a young man newly married who is struggling through cancer himself, or watching your wife pour herself out to those stuck in this terrible cancer journey while she battles her own demons give you such a sense of indescribable thankfulness that you can't help but want to live your life sold out for God.

Whatever you're doing today, make sure you stop and take a few moments to say, "thank you".

We are so thankful for you.

"I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers." Ephesians 1:16

As Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus, he was thankful for the way that they had housed him and helped him grow his ministry there.  We, too, are so thankful for the people that have housed us, fed us, prayed for us, and remembered us in their own prayers for the last 13 months.  We find this blog to be an amazing way of connecting with people from all over the world that have resonated with our story and are continually floored by the way that people have supported us!

We have both been approached by a ton of people about what we are going to have to do in order to pull off treatment in Chicago.  We were asked by probably no less than twenty people (no joke) to let us know what our needs are.  Some even specifically asked us to put it on our blog.  We were reticent to say at first what we needed because people have already been so generous with us in the past, but I had someone argue with me: "Yeah, not everyone had the chance to be at the Rodeo last summer.  Some of us still want a chance to help."  Duly noted.  So let me start with a list of the logistics that I'm pulling together:

1. Ryan will stay at CTCA's guest quarters four nights a week.
2. Ryan will fly home four or five times to be with us on the weekends.  FYI, the only airline that flies between O'Hare and Muskegon is United.
3. Colton and I will drive between here and Chicago once or twice before school is done, but once school is done we will be abandoning Michigan in favor of being with Ryan 24/7.  Our house will need to be looked after, our horses will need the same, and our dog will need a temporary home.
4. The hospital has a cafeteria that Ryan will eat most of his meals at, but sometimes he has a hard time with the food, especially if he has any nausea.  Therefore, for a little bit of variety and/or a plan B, he will occasionally eat at Applebee's (really the only nearby restaurant).
5. Ryan does a lot of things around our house that intimidate me, such as transporting garbage, weed-whacking, and doing minor car things.

That ends the logistical end of it.  Let's go to the other end, the personal-social end of this situation, which is much, much more daunting:

1. Prayer.  The only way that this is going to work is if it's in God's will, and we believe that His ear is very much attuned to the desires of His people.  Please continue to intercede on our behalf before His throne that He would heal Ryan.
2. Encouragement.  These weeks are going to be a long haul, and possibly kind of boring and lonely (especially for Ryan).  Cards, emails, words of encouragement, verses, etc. will be really helpful for both of us.  If you are in the Chicagoland area, Ryan would LOVE to have a cup of coffee with you. :)
3. Understanding.  We might be more unavailable than usual, and we will surely be very protective of our weekends.  If we seem aloof, please be understanding of the reasons why.
4. Attitude.  I realize that there is a "light at the end of the tunnel" and that my separation from Ryan is only temporary, but since he's been diagnosed with cancer, nights away from him are really rough on me...almost like a harsh reminder of what I'm facing if cancer takes him from me.
5. Colton.  We are going to strive to have this be as smooth as possible for our son, but he's very, very attached to his daddy right now and I'm concerned about how he'll handle this disruption to his life.  We are planning on utilizing Skype and Facetime quite a bit so that he can feel connected to his dad, but if you can remember Colton specifically when you pray for our family, that would be so appreciated.
6. Ministry.  Our jobs are our primary ministries.  To that end, we are hoping that we can both remain fully vested in our job responsibilities.  For me to be able to stay fully connected, I will need Ryan's treatments to go smoothly.  Thankfully, a lot of Ryan's job duties include doing things on the computer, which he can do from anywhere, and he is hoping to keep up with meetings by Skype.  Additionally, he will have some time on his hands to work on our book project, plus he would welcome the opportunity to speak at Chicagoland churches.

PHEW.  Okay, now that I type it out I realize that we do have a lot going on right now.  :)

Since Ryan has been diagnosed with cancer, we have had to learn how to say "thank you" instead of shying away from the generosity of others. About a year ago, we were lectured by a close friend about how giving is more about the giver than the recipient.  "Kendra and Ryan, do not take away someone else's opportunity to obey God's calling in their lives."  Um, okay.  When you put it like that, it seems different.  Truth be told, we really wish that we were not in this situation in our lives and that we are recipients of blessings instead of the givers.  It's awkward, and my pride is crippling at times.  But I do know because I have been on the other side of the fence, that God-prompted giving is a blessing.  So that's why we have learned how to say "thank you" when an eight-year-old gives us seven dollars from his piggy bank to put towards "Mr. Ryan's medicine" - who are WE to tell a child that his gift is not wanted?  The generosity of people towards us has taught a valuable lesson about kindness that we will carry forward when we are no longer in this position and we have the opportunity to pour love into another hurting person's life.  We so look forward to the day when we can be the blessers instead of the blessees.  Until then, we continue to give God thanks for people like you - people that read our blog, pray for us, and consider us worthy recipients of your kindness!

Complaining, Complacency, and Compassion (Part 1)

I haven't blogged for the last few weeks, due to just being plain crazy busy...and maybe a slight plateau in my writing enthusiasm.  As I was praying the last few days for God to teach me something new, He brought me back to three things that have been on my heart and mind: complaining about trivialities, complacency in our spiritual life, and compassion for those that God feels compassion for.  Rather than force people to read a humongous manifesto about the three of them combined, I decided to break it up into three parts and tackle one item per post.

COMPLAINING

My son is a darling.  I love him to pieces, and most of the time he is an angel.  However, lately he has had some really tough mornings.  He definitely takes after me, his mother, in his lack of enthusiasm and general grumpiness when it comes to waking up.

Yawn.  Argh, the light is starting to peek through my room-darkening shades.  It must be about eight a.m.  It's too early.  I wish that my toddler circadian rhythm would allow me to sleep until nine like I used to.  Alright, here we go.  Mama!  Sheesh.  It's been five seconds since I called to her.  I thought she'd be waiting outside my door.  MAMA!  Ugh.  Where is she?  I want my diaper changed immediately, and she'd better have a sippy cup full of warm milk when she walks through the door.  I would think that anything less would be atrocious on her part.  Okay, we're working on thirty seconds now.  Finally, here she comes.  She'd better have that mil...WHAT!  How dare you come in here without a sippy cup!  I'm liable to throw myself back down on my pillow pet and scream at you!  No! Don't you dare change my diaper now!  I want MILK! 

Ugh, she's still stronger than me.  She wrestled with me all the way to the diaper changing station.  Guess I'm going to have to wait for TWO WHOLE MINUTES to get my milk today.  Grrrrr.  Alright, diaper change over.  Off we go to the kitchen.  It's MILK TIME, baby!  Here's my mom, pouring the milk.  SERIOUSLY!?  You're using the BLUE cup?!  You know that I like my milk in the YELLOW cup!  OH MY WORD, why are you NOT answering my requests!  I want things the way I want them!  And I want it NOW!  I'm going to go throw a fit now because I want milk in the yellow cup!  I'm going to go complain to all of my toddler friends about how when you serve me milk, you serve it to me in a stupid blue cup, AND you waited 30 seconds to come in and rescue me from my crib today.  I'm going to complain about you a LOT, Mom!  You didn't do things exactly the way that I think you should!

Yes, that is really his general disposition on occasion in the morning.  Most mornings he's happy and grateful to be picked up, changed, and given milk, but on occasion he has a negative attitude and the smallest things give him cause to complain.  Now, I know that he's not quite two and he's prone to irrationality by virtue of his developmental stage, so I laugh off the mornings where he is a total grump and chalk it up to totally normal toddler behavior.

But as you were reading the above story, did you notice anything similar to the way that Christian adults sometimes behave?  We feel that anything less than us being absolutely comfortable is a mistake on God's part.  We had saved up X amount of money to go on vacation, and then our kid got sick and we had to pay medical bills.  Rather than thank God for having allowed us to pay for the medical bills immediately because of the provision of savings, we complain about the missed trip.  Rather than thank God for our job, which helps provide for our families, we complain that it's not high-paying enough, that our boss is too ___ (fill in the blank), or that we are passed over for a promotion.  Rather than thank God for the beautiful children that he has created to be in our families, we complain about the gender of the child or the burden of raising it.  Instead of thanking God for our health, we complain when we contract the common cold.  Try having cancer once in your life, you'll never complain about a cold/flu bug/sinus infection EVER again.

We Christians complain ALL the time about ridiculous stuff.  We somehow place an expectation on God that we are not to endure trials or character-building situations.  How do you think this reflects our faith to non-believers?  We are commanded to do everything without grumbling or complaining (Phil. 2:14), and yet so many of us have bought into this mentality that we deserve nothing less than a beautiful house, an easy life, and tons of extra money in the bank.  When Christians complain about trivialities, non-believers hear them and think that there is nothing special or different about our attitudes.

The truth is, very few of the Christians that I run with have any reason to complain against God's provision in their lives (including Ryan and I!).  We are all comfortable, safe, and well-provided for.  But there is an innate feeling within many of us that is a toxic remnant of our inherent sinful nature that makes us feel like we are little gods on our throne, and no one had better forget that.

The Israelites were famous for this grumbling & complaining attitude as they wandered the desert.  Numbers 11:1-4 details their lack of thankfulness:

And the people complained in the hearing of the Lord about their misfortunes, and when the Lord heard it, his anger was kindled, and the fire of the Lord burned among them and consumed some outlying parts of the camp. Then the people cried out to Moses, and Moses prayed to the Lord, and the fire died down. So the name of that place was called Taberah, because the fire of the Lord burned among them. Now the rabble that was among them had a strong craving. And the people of Israel also wept again and said, “Oh that we had meat to eat!

Notice that it said that God's anger burned.  Here were a couple million of His people, that He was lovingly teaching and caring for, and they continued to complain...because wandering in the desert was not what they had planned for their lives, nor was a vegetarian diet.  They even wanted to return to their life of enslavement in Egypt at some points during their forty years.  How about that for rationality?  What a slap in the face it is to God when we flippantly tell Him, "Yeah, I know that you're providing for me and all, but it's not enough.  You're not enough for me."  I don't know about you, but that makes me shiver to think of the way that God's anger burns against those that complain about trivialities.

Now, I am not expecting that we are all going to be perfect at this notion of not complaining.  Sometimes life gives us seriously bitter lemons, and it is healthy for us to express our disappointment and our anger.  Bottling our feelings is never a good idea emotionally, and I do truly believe that God wants us to come to Him with our feelings.  What I don't think God likes or desires is for us to be ungrateful and bitter and negative.  It is a good idea to have someone in our lives that is a mentor or a close friend that is able to point out truth to us when we are in the depths of despair or crisis.  For an example of this, read the book of Job, specifically chapters 10 and 11.  Job was in the middle of his trial and illness, and he complained bitterly against the Lord in Chapter 10.  His friend Zophar confronts him with truth in Chapter 11 and pretty much tells Job to check his sinful attitude.  Do you have a Zophar in your life?  Is there someone that you're willing to listen to when they straight up tell you that your attitude is not where it should be?

Complaining is not something that any of us are immune to.  However, we need to train ourselves to think more in terms of thankfulness and to ensure that our prayers and petitions are chock full of thanksgiving.  Our God is a giver of good gifts!

Lessons I've been learning lately.

You might want to sit down.  I have a lot to say. :)  I have missed blogging for the last couple of weeks and have had a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head, but I have lacked the time and ambition (and um, correct attitude) to blog.

First of all, let me just say that God took Ryan and I over His proverbial knee and SPANKED us this morning.  Seriously, we both felt like grated cheese when we left church - in a good way.  The Lord shredded some serious apathy and entitlement that has been growing in our hearts lately.  Since we got our good news, life has been kind of weird.  There is a huge sense of relief in our hearts that SOMETHING is going in the right direction for once since April, and we're so pleased.  Thanks be to God.  But with comfort comes apathy, at least in my spiritual life.  I have totally fallen off the wagon in the last three weeks, engrossed in myself and my work and mindless entertainment - oh, and shopping. Ryan has been a bear - as he's already mentioned.  I say that with all the love in my heart that I have for that wonderful man, but I nearly booted him in the rear end a couple of times (like, I literally wanted to kick him).  So life just hasn't been quite on its normal track.

But anyway, back to this morning.  We walked into church, expecting for it to be a normal Sunday - inspirational, but perhaps not exactly life-changing.  The Holy Spirit, working through our pastor and the director of Lily of the Valley Orphanage in Chihuahua, Mexico, rained down all sorts of truth on our heads.  Love your neighbor.  Love your enemy (wow, needed to hear that!).  Love orphans.  We walked out of church kind of in a daze.  I felt completely convicted about my selfish, self-serving attitude lately.  I'm going through a really rough time in my life, so I deserve to be selfish about x, y, and z.  No, it doesn't work like that.  Praise God for a really good, well-timed smack across the face.  I also felt reaffirmed in my desire to someday, somehow be some sort of a mother to hurting children.  I don't know what that looks like, but I'm pretty certain that the child that I gave birth to in April 2010 is not the only child that I will have a direct impact on.  Lord, please take away cancer so that I can fulfill this calling to be a mother with my husband, who is the best father imaginable.


So that's the first thing.  I needed a butt-kicking.

The other thing I've learned is that I had to leave Facebook.  I'm off it kind of indefinitely.  I asked Ryan to change my password and not tell me what it is.  So if I don't respond to something, that's why.  I don't know for how long, but I do know that there were two definite reasons that Facebook needed to leave my life temporarily.  #1, I do not get on Facebook and spend a ton of time on there at one time, but I do check it too often.  Sometimes several times a day, for a minute or two.  What message does that communicate to my son, when I am constantly looking at my phone or the computer to see what my friends' statuses are?   I need to be more concerned about the status of my family and my relationship with God.

#2 reason for the Facebook hiatus: Facebook has caused too much anger for me lately.  For the last couple of months, my reaction to people's complaints about inconsequential things has gone from mild irritation to a totally visceral reaction.  Complaints about a cold or a flu bug?  Thank the Lord that that is the worst sickness that you have to deal with.  It's temporary.  It's inconsequential.  Complaints about morning sickness?  Trade places with me, please.  I'd love to be in your shoes and puking all over them.  Complaints about your naughty children?  Discipline them, then hug them and praise God for them.  Complaints about your job?  Can you please just be thankful that you have one?  There are millions of people that envy you.  Complaints about your parents or other family members?  I believe that there are tens of millions of orphans in our world that would love to be a part of your family.

I am not saying this because I want to be Bitter Betty, although I can veer into that dangerous territory in a quick second and must check myself.  I am not saying this because I want to compare my situation and say to you, "Pity me!  Look at how sorry my life is!  You should feel guilty!"  I am saying this because I want everyone, everywhere, including myself, to have an attitude of thankfulness no matter how deep the valley is that they're walking through.  The Lord dishes out blessings on a daily basis, and we should be thankful on a daily basis.  And until I can get my reactions under control, Facebook is not a healthy place for me to be...because mindless complaining is everywhere.  So pray for my attitude, please.

So, there it is.  That's what I've been learning lately.  This is what I'm conquering at the current time.

Phew.  I have rewritten the closing to this like five times because it's just really hard to conclude a blog when I'm really, really honest sometimes.  It makes me feel really vulnerable.  So I guess I'll just say...

THE END!

Scientifically speaking...

I am sitting here at school, trying to wrap my head around coming back to work and I cannot, CANNOT believe that we got good news yesterday.

Here is a scientific graph of the last seven months (click on it to enlarge):

As you can see, our emotions have not really hit a significant peak since March.  We needed this.  Badly.

I am in such a mood for worship today.  I am looking forward to my drive home to be able to cry, sing, shout, and have other drivers give me weird looks.  I don't care.  My God is big.  He is worthy of praise.

Psalm 100

A psalm. For giving grateful praise.

 ¹ Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.
 ² Worship the LORD with gladness;
   come before him with joyful songs.
³ Know that the LORD is God.
   It is he who made us, and we are his;
   we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
 ⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving
   and his courts with praise;
   give thanks to him and praise his name.
⁵ For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
   his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Who are we?

So the question that has been thrown around several times in the last week around the Prudhomme household has been: "Who are we?"  Not literally, because we know our names and identities.  What I mean is that we have no idea why people have chosen to pour out their love on us.  We are two ordinary, incredibly flawed people who have been placed in the middle of extraordinary circumstances.  We are glad that people love us, but it just makes us scratch our heads!

Saturday was the much-anticipated Rodeo for Ryan, and the outpouring of love was intense.  Everywhere I looked, there was a sea of humanity.  There were over one thousand people that descended upon Paradise Ranch.  Everywhere there were people talking.  Laughing.  Serving.  Smiling.  Giving.  Playing.  Running.  Relaxing.  Rocking.  Singing.  Having fun.  And the diversity of people brought together was unbelievable - people that we know from all walks of life.  Port Huron, Lansing, Detroit, Grand Rapids, Kalamazoo, Jackson, Colorado Springs, Pittsburgh, Chicago, Indianapolis, and Dallas all had representation at the rodeo.  We didn't realize how many people care about us.  We kind of thought it would be big, but we didn't realize that it was going to be huge.

And the giving!  The final counts are in and they surpassed $50,000 but there are still donations coming in! FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS! Something that you may not know is that Ryan is not able to get life insurance.  Since he was diagnosed with PSC at the age of 20, he has not been insurable.  We tried very hard this past winter to find a policy that would cover someone with that disease, and we thought we had found one.  We sent in our premium and waited.  A couple of weeks later our insurance agent called us and said, "Um, I've never had this happen before but your life insurance policy was rejected, and the company actually rewrote their bylaws to specifically say that they would not cover someone with Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis."  Great.  The premium check was returned to us the same week that Ryan was diagnosed with cancer.  So the Lord taketh, and he giveth back.  We have this money now for medical expenses, and although we pray hard that it doesn't need to be used for life insurance, at least we have something now in case of that.  I don't think that it's by accident that God returned almost exactly 50k to us.

We don't know how to adequately express our gratitude.  Neither of us has ever been the recipient of a gift like this.  Neither of this has ever had something of this magnitude done for us.  A simple "thanks" seems insufficient, but it's a start.  Thank you for your time, volunteers.  Thank you for your many hours of phone calls, designing signs, getting volunteers, getting donations, and serving us, planning committee.  Thanks for coming out to the rodeo, especially those of you who had a far distance to drive or even fly.  Thanks so much for emptying your pockets and purses and giving to a family whom many of you barely know.  Thank you to the vendors and individuals who donated things ranging from handmade journals to live pigs to quilts to potatoes to vacations to jewelry - the list goes on and on!  Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and for your many prayers.  Thank you God for blessing this event, and by tangibly showing us how much it meant to You by holding back rain around Paradise Ranch while every other place within a mile of the ranch had downpours.

Who are we to deserve this much love?  We don't.  Neither do you.  None of us deserve the grace and love that we have been given.  Regardless, you have chosen to live out John 13:34-35:   ³⁴ "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵ By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

Eucharisteo, revisited

A couple of other thoughts: I should have mentioned somewhere in the post besides in the "labels" section that Ryan helped me write a LOT of that last post.  Even though it came from my name, it has his mark all over it.

I've thought of a few more things that I'm thankful for, so continuing on in the same vein as a few days ago...

• I'm thankful that we've both come to decisions on our own that no matter the outcome of this situation, we will stand firm on God's promises and believe that he will provide for every single one of our needs.
• I'm thankful for this blog, for the opportunity to figure out this cancer journey by writing it down, and that people are reading it.
• I'm thankful for our pastors, for their encouragement and their vocal support of us.
• I saw the pile of stuff in Jenny's office today for the rodeo auctions, and I'm thankful for the businesses and individuals that are giving so generously to that end.
• I'm thankful for a well-timed study of Esther that I'm doing with a fabulous group of friends this summer, and for what God has been teaching me through that.  I'm also thankful for the blessing of being able to come to that study occasionally in a million pieces and have those women help put this Humpty Dumpty back together again.
• I'm thankful that it's a beautiful summer, and that we've had the opportunity to enjoy it thoroughly.
• I'm just plain thankful.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  I am a blessed girl.

Okay that is all for now!

Eucharisteo

We are...

Thankful for the hope that we have as followers of Jesus Christ

Thankful for God’s word and how it girds us and encourages us

Thankful for Ryan being virtually symptom-free still after having been diagnosed with stage IV cancer for almost four months

Thankful for powerful anti-nausea medications

Thankful for chemotherapy, despite its ugly side effects

Thankful for the organization and incredible team at Grace Adventures (where Ryan works) and how they have been so understanding and supportive of Ryan having to take time off intermittently

Thankful for our sweet baby boy, Colton Scott

Thankful for each other and a wonderful marriage based on mutual respect and that it is an equal partnership

Thankful for the new outlook that we have on life, for clarity, for re-prioritizing our lives, and for our new attitude of "Living in High Definition"

Thankful for both sets of our parents, who have been married for 29 years (Prudhomme) and almost 40 years (Klotz).  The four of them have been a huge encouragement and support for us.

Thankful for our four brothers, who have all been there for us during this

Thankful for our many friends and family that are supporting us through this...we feel so loved

Thankful for the generosity of friends, family, and strangers

Thankful for our church family, who have rallied around us unbelievably

Thankful that God has a plan and we don’t have the responsibility of working it out

Thankful for God’s provision for us

Thankful for His protection

Thankful for health insurance that covers most of Ryan's treatments

Thankful for friends that are planning two different benefits for us (August 6^th – Rodeo for Ryan and August 28^th – Hart alumni soccer game)

Thankful for our beautiful, peaceful 10 acres, and the privilege of home ownership

Thankful for cars that run pretty well most of the time, despite their advanced age (consequently, we are also very thankful for Mears Service Center and my dad for keeping them running)

Thankful for the Cancer Treatment Center of America and their positive outlook for Ryan’s health in the midst of a deadly cancer.  Very thankful for the intelligent, compassionate staff that work here


Thankful for two ladies who have encouraged us with their successful stories of overcoming this cancer

Thankful for cancer researchers and their tireless work in finding a cure for a terrible disease

Thankful for the opportunities that we’re getting to speak truth into people’s lives

Thankful that people love us enough to do menial tasks for us like cleaning our house, cooking us meals, mowing our lawn, watching our son (well that is not menial, that is super fun), and doing our laundry when things get overwhelming


Thankful for the increased time that we've had to spend together, and that Ryan feels well enough to enjoy things that we like to do together

Thankful that God has blessed Ryan and I with intelligence and a never-say-die sense of determination, as that has been helpful in us getting answers and finding the best treatment course possible for him






Even in the midst of difficulty, there are always blessings.  They may be bittersweet, they may be small, but they are there.  What are you thankful for?