Wednesday, July 27, 2011

A matter of perspective

Many people may not know this about me, but this time last year I was full fledged into a serious depression. I spent the better part of 6-9 months in a dark place emotionally.

Here is the weird part... everything was going right. I had just gotten a great promotion at camp to be the marketing director, my son was born in April, Kendra and I had settled into a new house, and Kendra got a new job at a great school district. Everything was going right, except me. I was going very very wrong.

Fast forward a year and it would appear the situation is reversed. Kendra has been laid off, we have been diagnosed with a life threatening cancer, there are days when it is a struggle to be able to put in a full days work, my physical effects are keeping me from doing things I love to do in the summer. Yet emotionally spiritually I'm doing pretty good right now. I have moments and frustrations, but by and large I feel great as a person.

Why am feeling the way I do? It's all about where I put my choices. I can not control my circumstances. I can control my choices. I'm choosing this time not to rely on my own strength and no matter what God lays in front of my, I commit to him to trust him. A silly part of why I felt so bad last year is that I felt God was pulling horses out of my life with my new job. I didn't want to surrender that area. Now there's a very real chance that God is pulling many other things out of my life, and yet because I have surrendered my will to Him, I'm able to be at peace.

We think we have surrendered and learned that lesson. In reality we have proablby only given 95%. That last 5% comes kicking and screaming. It takes catastrophe some giant event to get us over the bubble. I thought I learned the lesson when I was diagnosed in 2007 with the liver disease, and while that radically changed my perception it doesn't even compare to how I view God now through this "high defintion". Yet while it seems difficult to imagine what else God could bestow on me in the forms of trials, what if there is more out there for me to endure? Is it possible to learn this lesson of obedience even more so that I feel I have now?

Yes, I can and I will!

You see Christianity is a process. You haven't ever arrived. If you had fully actualized who God made you to be, then I think you get checked out of this earth. What else is there left for you to do. So long as you have room to grow, there will be trials. I don't want to go through any more trials right now, but I would love to know what it feels like to be even closer to God.

PS

I am sorry I haven't posted more lately. There are may days when my mind doesn't feel like its working completely and it's hard to put my thoughts together. When I do feel well I'm trying to get caught up on everything that piles up while I don't feel so hot. I will try to be a little more regular again on here. Thank you beyond words for your prayer and support. We're overwhelmed and humbled. We are very excited about the rodeo for ryan benefit, mostly to see all the friends and family who are behind us, and meet the new ones we haven't met yet.

2 comments:

stephanie garcia said...

Yesterday we received an e-mail from one of our supporting churches in Michigan (Bridge Bible Church) with the link to your story. This post and your perspective have challenged and reminded me today to center my choices always on Christ. Thank you for your testimony. God bless and strengthen you day by day.

Kathie said...

Ryan, your note is a great encouragement to me as I am again reminded of how God works in us as we surrender all to Him. Thank you so much for sharing your deepest personal thoughts as you trust Him alone for all your needs day by day, sometimes hour by hour. We are continuing to pray for you and your family, trusting the Lord to give you His strength and His joy!