Another short update

Hello everyone, posted below is Ryan's radiation treatment schedule. Please remember that those times are Central. We are grateful for your prayer! Dr. Eden was pleased today to hear of how you all have been lifting him up. The first treatment was uneventful.

Ryan gave me the ok to give a few more details on here about his GI struggles. Since being hospitalized, Ryan has been struggling with constipation. It's pretty severe at this point. Our doctors are working diligently to resolve this, but in the meantime it is the source of much frustration on our part, and lots of pain for Ryan. Please pray for his digestive tract to restart. We are worried.

Other than that, there is not any major news for tonight! Well, wait, there is some HUGE news. Colton has been almost accident-free for a week - daytime AND nighttime. I guess with our child, the opposite logic of most normal potty training is true: completely remove him from his comfort zone, place unending streams of new people in his life, and remove almost all structure. Hmm.

Have a great evening!

Short update

Hello friends!

Just a very quick update tonight. Ryan is feeling better, but the GI symptoms are still unresolved. Radiation is supposed to be tomorrow around 1:00 Central time. He was more alert today and he had a grand time ripping on people - his sense of humor never fails him. :)

Alright. I'm exhausted. Good night!

On Christ the solid rock I stand.

...all other ground is sinking sand.

All other ground is sinking sand.


Hello.  Here we are on Sunday, March 10.  I'm trying to keep the "clack clack" of the keyboard to a minimum as Ryan sleeps beside me.

The last couple of days have been both wonderful and rough.  Some close family members came into town for the weekend which was AMAZING, and we just said goodbye to the last of them.  We are back down to just immediate family plus one Amy. :)  It was wonderful to see people, but Ryan has been increasingly uncomfortable with some nagging GI symptoms.  Please pray for relief to come from those problems.  I think he'd be a thousand times happier if that were the case.

The bleeding has not stopped; if anything, it has increased slightly.  His hemoglobin is hanging in there, though, and we are grateful for that.  Radiation starts TUESDAY, please make sure that you circle and star that date on your calendar! When I know appointment times, I will make sure to tell you all so that you can specifically pray at the time of day that he has radiation.

Not much else to report medically.  Emotionally I think we are all just very drained and tired.  Monday punched us in the gut, then we got hopeful when there seemed to be some treatment options, and now it is very hard on everyone to see Ryan be uncomfortable.  Spiritually, Ryan continues to be our mouthpiece - or rather, God's mouthpiece, reminding everyone that our hope is in Christ, not here on earth.  I continue to remind myself of Romans 8:18: "I consider that our present sufferings do not compare to the glory that will be revealed in us."  Won't it be sweet, someday, for us all to have forgotten about these earthly troubles and to be in glory?  I'm shivering at the thought of that. How sweet that day will be!

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus' Name.

Pray for Dr. Eden!

Hello everyone.

Today has been a pretty calm day.  Ryan hasn't really had any procedures done except for another blood transfusion.  A slight downturn in both hemoglobin (darn) and bilirubin (yay!).  Bili will probably go up again tomorrow as a result of the transfusion but it's trending in the right direction.  It's important for it to go down so that we can do chemo.

Ryan met briefly with Dr. Eden (incredible, Christian radiation oncologist) today to talk about the upcoming IMRT treatments that he will start.  Good news: scans are first thing tomorrow morning and he can probably start radiation Monday, Tuesday or - HOLY COW, that was expedited.  Dr. Eden specifically asked for us to galvanize prayer support on our blog for him and his team.  A LOT hinges on these radiation treatments.  The outcomes that he is hoping for: stop/shrink new tumors and stop the exudative "leaking".  This is an extremely critical piece for Ryan to be able to continue treatment.  Please pray that Dr. Eden's hands will be guided by the Lord - that his team will be able to correctly map the radiation treatments and that the treatments will be effective.

Answers to Prayer!

Over the last couple of days I've seen many prayers answered.

Here's another one many of you were praying along with us.

The Theraspheres radiation treatment is now scheduled for next Wednesday the 21st! Which means we'll get the treatment before Thanksgiving. Things have moved much faster than what we were told was possible. I think we all know why.

I wanted to give you all an update and thank you again for your prayers.

Don't forget to pray!

Just a quick update to remind you that tomorrow is Ryan's mapping procedure and lung shunt.  These tests will determine whether or not he is a candidate for the Theraspheres.  It is critical that we pray him through tomorrow!

Another prayer request is that he can get the actual procedure done ASAP.  We want to lose as little "ground" as possible.  We are both nervous and edgy about all the time that he has been off of treatment.

Not much else to say tonight.  Please, please just pray - and thank you, because I know that you already are.

Another twist in the road...

Exhale.

I finally just got back to the hotel room after a very long day with my husband of appointments, consultations, crying, feeling better, breaking down again, putting on a brave face for Colton, and going to another consultation.  Essentially, we have not received good news today, but we still have options moving forward.

This morning, we met with our primary oncologist and he delivered a couple of bad news blows: the two tumors that were left in August (very small) are a mixed bag: one shrank, one grew.  However, there is also another mass that has appeared.  Our oncologist thinks that it is probably another tumor, but our interventional radiologist (that we just met for the first time today) postulated that it also might be scar tissue or something from a dead tumor.  Who knows.  Regardless, the treatment that Ryan has been doing lately - the nasty, nasty chemotherapy treatment - is not effective any longer.  So on to plan K (we've exhausted all of the letters A-J, it seems).

Radiation theraspheres.  Some of the people reading this blog right now are probably very familiar with these, but most of you probably are not.  Theraspheres are tiny, radioactive (Yttrium-90) glass beads that are injected into an artery near the right lobe of Ryan's liver, with the intention of attacking and shrinking and killing the 2-3 tumors located there (I should note, before I forget, that there is not any active disease in his lymph nodes, nor is there any disease anywhere else in his body - praise God).  This will hopefully take place in the next two weeks.  Pray for a.) our insurance policies to approve it, b.) for the consultations and procedure to take place expeditiously, and c.) for no more disease to spread in the interim.

A couple of positives about doing the theraspheres: Ryan will get about a month break from chemotherapy - if not six weeks.  He is MAJORLY celebrating this.  Also, this procedure does not have very many side effects.  He's been feeling fine lately (aside from chemo symptoms), so hopefully he has the next six weeks to enjoy a small break from the drudgery of chemo.

Some patients have had wildly successful experiences with radiation theraspheres, some have not had any success.  Our doctor does still have a couple of chemotherapy treatments in mind, so this is not the end of the line by any stretch of the imagination.  This is a temporary setback.  However, earlier today, it felt like I had my heart ripped out of my chest.  This afternoon has been very, very hard and full of rage and tears, but at the end of the day, I know that we serve a God who is sovereign, loving, and wise.  Nope, this wasn't my choice - I wanted to hear those words "cancer free" so badly today, but those will apparently be saved for another day in the future.  If this is His will, if this is His plan, then we gladly follow this newest twist in the road and trust Him implicitly.


Proverbs 3 (NIV)

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

My daily battle against my biggest nemesis...

Every weekday I make my way to the basement of the hospital. I smile at all my new nurse friends and wait to be called back for my treatment. Once called, I walk into a room with a table and a huge machine at the head of the table. There is a custom-made mold that I lay down into and then two techs carefully position my body so all the dots on my body line up with the lasers of the machine. We're talking sub-millimeter precision.

Then I sit perfectly still. My legs are strapped together, and there is no moving at all.

As I stare at the ceiling waiting for the machine to turn on, my mind may be wandering.

Then it hits!

It starts small, barely noticeable. Then it builds, like a cartoon snowball rolling into a house-sized boulder! Its insatiable appetite cannot be satisfied. It becomes excruciating, consuming every thought I have to try and control it, all to no avail.

What is this powerful force that puts me into such agony?

An itch. A stupid, tiny, insurmountable itch. Sometimes on my nose, or my cheek, maybe my stomach or even a toe, but always there taunting me.

It knows I can't move and it has no mercy on my soul!

This itch can be a lot like worry. It starts small, almost unnoticeable. Just like I can't move to scratch the itch, most often our worries are about things we cannot control. Before too long, it builds and the more I try not to think about it, the worse it becomes until it becomes all-consuming!

Just writing about this I am itching all over!

So what's a guy to do about itches and worries?

1. Don't not think about - No matter how hard you try to "not think about it", you can't. Just simply trying to block it out of your mind will cause it to fester into a full-fledged concentration monster. It will overtake you simply by existing.

2. Accept your reality - During radiation I can't move. That's non-negotiable. There are many things in our lives that are out of our control. We worry because it may affect us or some one we love. However, we can't be the hero that saves everyone from everything. Sometimes things are out of our control and nothing we do can change that. Scratching the itch is not an option and many times removing the source of worry is also not possible.

3. Think of something lovely -
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Instead of just "not thinking about it", think about something else. In order to take thoughts captive I often have to redirect my thinking. As I lay on that table a similar memory comes into my mind as I do my desperate battle against the itch.

It's my grandmother singing the hymn, "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus"
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Whatever situation you're facing, whatever your worry is, it is nothing in comparison to the riches we have awaiting us. We can't control when an itch comes, or when a worrisome thought arises. We can control how we respond to it. Are we going to take that thought captive? Will we let it grow and transform into a giant monster? The choice and the power to choose are ours.

Week 5 appointment times

Ryan just texted me to let me know that he is safely at O'Hare. Praise God that he has not yet run into any major hassles while flying back and forth each week. We are so grateful.

This short week will be a busy one. I started off the work week with a sick day, because my son believes in sharing! He had a really mild bug on Sunday, and it seems to have struck Mom a little worse. Pray that Ryan will be able to avoid this bug and stay healthy. Other than that, we have work projects, wrapping up the school year, and normal, everyday things.

Ryan's fatigue continues to grow each week. I really, really hope that he can take a quick break once he's done with radiation so that he can get his feet underneath him. He is whipped, and not quite halfway through this journey.

This week, he has appointments at:
Tuesday, May 29: 1:40 PM CDT
Wednesday, May 30: 8:10 AM CDT
Thursday, May 31: 8:40 AM CDT
Friday, June 1: 7:30 AM CDT

Thanks for praying for us! We are encouraged. And while you're praying, please remember our friends the Hansens in your prayers. Collin Hansen lost his battle against cancer last Friday. He was diagnosed at the same time as Ryan (but with stomach cancer), and his death has rocked our community. Please pray especially for his wife, Courtney, son, Cole, brother, Blake and his family, and his parents, Goeff and Tami.

Radiation Update from Ryan

Tomorrow will be the end of my fourth week of radiation! Wow it's hard to believe I've been at this almost a month already. There are moments when it seems to go quickly, and then times when it drags on.

This process is more difficult than I expected. I don't feel the greatest at times. The fatigue and nausea were worst last week but are still very present. Being away from Kendra and Colton is more difficult than I expected.

I've had a number of visitors or other patients that I've connected with. Thanks to every one who has or is planning on stopping by. I really appreciate it.

I'm sorry I haven't posted much lately. Please pray I would be able to focus better and be more productive. The chemo drugs are starting to give me chemo brain again and it makes it hard to think some times.

Thanks so much for all your prayers and support. Kendra and Colton and I are so grateful for all the friends who have reached out to help us right now.

I would tell you God is doing some very exciting things with us behind the scenes. Please pray for wisdom and discernment for Kendra and I as we seek to be obedient through out this process.

No superhero side effects from radiation yet :(

"How was the first week of radiation?"

I think that I got asked that at least 20 times this morning at church. Which leads me to believe, some of you out in blog land might be wondering the same thing.

The short answer...it could've been better and it could've been worse.

I started receiving treatment on Wednesday due to a scheduling error. Treatment takes about 10-15 minutes each day. It's the equivalent of getting an x-ray. Very noninvasive, quick, and easy. Then I have to figure out what to do with the rest of my day.

Actually I have quite a bit to do. I usually do my personal quiet time before or after treatment, depending on what time zone I'm still operating in. Then I am able to keep up with about 70-80% of my work duties from the hotel. Sometime I'll take a picture of my desk. It includes a hotel bed with files scattered all over a lap top on one side, a phone on the other, and me in the middle.

When I'm not working on camp stuff Kendra and I are really trying to use this time to make progress on writing a book. This is a grueling process because you may not believe this, but I hate to write. :)

There's a certain amount of time taken up from walking back and forth to the hospital, not feeling well, or working out in the gym at the hotel.

So surprise, surprise: I manage to stay pretty busy.

However, this week was a little tougher than I expected. Physically the side effects of nausea, fatigue, and funkiness seemed to hit in the afternoons then dissipate later. This left me foggy, irritable, and overall a little out of it. The symptoms were more than I expected and less than the doctors described.

Being away from Kendra and Colton was tough. We have "Facetime" on our phones so we can do a video conference. This was great and allowed me to see and talk to Colton as he doesn't do a regular phone yet. However after the first day of this, he ran around constantly grabbing Kendra's phone yelling "daddy, daddy, daddy". He gets pretty upset when we hang up or he is told he can't call me right away.

This is a constant reminder to Kendra that I'm not around. Even if she is busy enough to forget, or focused on something else, Colton reminds her right away. It was tougher to be away from them than I expected. I didn't think it would be fun, but we've spent time away and it's not a big deal. However I think the gravity of our circumstances, coupled with not feeling well and loneliness made it more difficult.

So tomorrow I head back to start week two. Kendra and I are hopeful and excited that this treatment might lead to cancer shrinking or being killed, and possibly even hearing that beautiful word, "remission".

Throughout all of this, it's easy to wonder why God has allowed certain steps to take place. Why did we wait to do radiation until after a year, why does it take nine weeks, why were there the ups and downs we experienced during chemo?

Sometimes it doesn't make a lot of sense in the moment. I spoke with a farmer today who has lost 90% of his crop in the last two weeks. His wife and I talked about how looking forward it doesn't always make sense, but looking backward it's obvious God has been faithful to guide and protect us.

Instead of wondering why about our circumstances, maybe we need to start asking God "what"?

What would you have me to do while I'm here? Who would you like me to serve? What would you like me to learn? How can I honor you?

When we stop doubting God's perfect will, He'll call us to be obedient.

Where God guides, he provides.

Please pray for my family this week. Pray for peace, energy, healing, and most importantly that we would be obedient to where God is leading us!

And don't worry, I'll let you guys know if I start experiencing side effects such as the ability to fly, shoot webs from my hands, or xray vision. :)

Week 2 treatment times

Monday: 2:50 pm
Tuesday: 11:50 am
Wednesday: 9:10 am
Thursday: 9:10 am
Friday: 7:50 am

All times are Central time.

An introduction to the world of radiation.

Hello all!

This morning we met with our new radiation oncologist, Dr. Eden.  Let me start off by saying that besides my family members, Dr. Eden may be my new favorite person in the entire world.  He began the meeting by saying how encouraged he was that Ryan's cancer is localized and therefore treatable, and he firmly intends to take an aggressive, curative approach to treating Ryan instead of just palliative care.  He said that Ryan is young, strong, and "healthy", with a son and a wife to live for, so there is no point in not "completely going after it".  At this point, I screamed out a very happy, excited "Heck yeah!".  Tears flooded my eyes as someone said to us for the first time in a long time, "We want to try to get rid of this cancer."

We spent a long time discussing possible side effects, some of which are normal (fatigue, skin irritation, GI symptoms) and some are more rare and serious (long-term damage to the kidneys, colon, secondary cancers, possible infertility, and liver problems).  We are okay moving forward in spite of these...after all, we have very little to lose and a whole lot to gain.

So here's what the process will look like: we are on our way home right now, and next week Ryan will fly or drive down to Zion alone to have a two-day series of appointments to begin prepping for radiation treatments.  They will give him small tattoos to map out where they will give him the radiation (down to sub-millimeter accuracy), and mold a special board for him to lay upon so that he lays in the exact same position every day.  He will then fly back home for the last weekend in April and his treatments will likely begin the first week of May.  He will need to be down at CTCA every weekday for seven to nine weeks, with a break on the weekends.  He will concurrently be taking the same oral chemo that he has been taking because that chemo makes radiation more effective.  Colton and I will be able to see him on weekends (either we'll go to Chicago or he'll come home), and once school is done for the summer, I fully intend to be with Ryan until his treatments are over.

This doctor's faith was very evident from the get-go.  He said that he has a strong faith and believes that God uses him as an instrument of healing.  He insisted that he will pray with/for us the whole time that he's treating us.  In other words, he meshed really well with us.  We asked him about doing radiation close to home and while he did not say anything negative about any other provider, he did say that he believes that CTCA's radiation oncology department is second to none.  We felt extremely confident after the appointment was over that we should be in Zion for treatments, especially after having met Dr. Eden and hearing his approach to this.  After all, what Christian would not feel comfortable treating in a place called Zion?

Since we have elected to have the treatments done in the Chicagoland area, we are cognizant of the fact that our lives will be in upheaval for the next couple of months.  We are confident that God will provide for our needs, financially and logistically, in order for Ryan to get the best care possible.  We are already putting plans in place on how to juggle travel, lodging, "single parenting" (for me), nutrition needs for Ryan, and some family members are already asking if they can take time to stay with Ryan in Zion.  Truthfully, it will be a hardship for me and my students for me to be with him much.  I have a lot of responsibilities at school, and while Ryan absolutely comes first in my life, I need to balance that with the needs of my students.  This is a very busy time for me at school as I push to get my kids through their last chapters of the year and then prepare for the final exam.  Ryan has insisted that he will be okay without me - after all, the treatments for this do not seem to be too rigorous, and the side effects are very manageable.  This is why we have a support network in place, and I feel at peace with allowing other people to step in and help.

Specific prayer requests: for everything to go smoothly next week at the prep appointments on Tuesday & Wednesday, for wisdom & guidance & God's directive hand to be with the doctors, for provision for our needs, and for peace and comfort as we make this new bend in the road.  We continue to covet your prayers, and we praise God for how He continues to provide for our every need and that His will for our lives is absolutely perfect.  No matter what happens in the next couple of months, no matter what fork in the road comes along in this journey, our deepest desire is that His Mighty Name is glorified.


Psalm 24

Of David. A psalm.
1 The earth is the LORD’s, and everything in it,
   the world, and all who live in it;
2 for he founded it on the seas
   and established it on the waters.

 3 Who may ascend the mountain of the LORD?
   Who may stand in his holy place?
4 The one who has clean hands and a pure heart,
   who does not trust in an idol
   or swear by a false god.

 5 They will receive blessing from the LORD
   and vindication from God their Savior.
6 Such is the generation of those who seek him,
   who seek your face, God of Jacob.

 7 Lift up your heads, you gates;
   be lifted up, you ancient doors,
   that the King of glory may come in.
8 Who is this King of glory?
   The LORD strong and mighty,
   the LORD mighty in battle.
9 Lift up your heads, you gates;
   lift them up, you ancient doors,
   that the King of glory may come in.
10 Who is he, this King of glory?
   The LORD Almighty—
   he is the King of glory.

Yay! An appointment!

We got in first thing with the director of the radiation department tomorrow morning at 8:30 Central time.  As the scheduler said when she called us back, "You guys are in good hands."  We like that.

Pray for wisdom at this appointment, and that they feel that they can move forward with radiation very, very soon.  We also need to still consider the Muskegon option, but we want to hear what Zion has to say first before we make our final decision on what to do.

Please, please, please pray lots!