How to pray for us tonight

Hi there, friends.

I know that a lot of you are getting ready to spend a part of your evening in prayer for us, so we thought we would let you know what we learned today, and how to specifically pray.  There are some IMPORTANT prayer requests here.

• Ryan's bleeding scan showed no active bleeding.  Whether it's because the bleeding stopped (can you say MIRACLE!) or whether it had just stopped momentarily and will start up again, remains to be seen.  (I say - the sky is the limit; let's ask for the miracle.)
• We are going to take a "wait and see" approach for the next few days.  Doctors will be monitoring his hemoglobin, blood pressure, and the output of the paracentesis.  The drainage seems to have slowed down considerably, another good sign.  Blood pressure and hemoglobin have been steady today - yeah!
• If it appears like the bleeding is picking up again, the options are: more bleeding scans, laparascopic surgery to determine where the bleeding is, or the aforementioned angiogram to determine where the bleeding is and try to stop it.
• Ryan is comfortable, and with Steve, Cathey, Ryan, myself, Corey, and Jeremy - we have enough people for three Euchre teams so the competition is heating up and a lot of trash talk is going on.  Okay, in all seriousness, we are praising God for Ryan being able to be surrounded by all of the members of his immediate family.

So, we are certainly not out of the woods yet.  But we so trust in the power of prayer, and we know that our God is listening to the rising multitudes.  We are confident in Him, and we continue to pray that His will would be done.

ROMANS 8: 31-32

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

Updates, thanksgiving, and prayer request.

Hello blog readers,

I know that we have been noticeably silent on here lately.  And I literally have about ten minutes to update our blog before we race off to the next thing, so here is a bulleted list (I know, LAME) of what is new with us:

• Ryan is en route to Pennsylvania (as I write this) to speak at the Christian Camps and Conference Association Allegheny Sectional.
• Please be in prayer for him as he speaks.  He's feeling better, but has been battling a cold/cough for the last two weeks and when he gets into a coughing fit, it's kind of ugly.  It will not be easy for him to teach three workshops while he's got a serious tickle in his throat.
• I have started a new job at the Muskegon Area ISD.  Less drive time (woot!) and it is a counseling job.  It was sad to leave Grand Haven but I'm very excited to be doing what I'm doing, counseling students and working with the staff at the Career Tech Center.  Loving it!  I am so thankful to be doing exactly what I've always wanted to do in education, which is to be a counselor - but it has made me BUSY!
• We are in the final stages (inspections, etc.) of purchasing a new home and will hopefully be moving in a few weeks.  In case you were wondering what Ryan's big, exciting news was on Facebook a couple of weeks ago - there you have it!  We are hopefully/probably moving (barring any unforeseen problems) to the southeast side of New Era - I'm actually pretty surprised that it's not a Rothbury address.  Please pray for the sale of our current home.  If you are handy and would like to help with a few minor projects that we need to do, feel free to let us know. :)  Or if you have an overabundance of brawn and would like to help us move, that would also be most appreciated!
• We are on our way to Chicago this week (Wednesday/Thursday) to do scans and start a new chemo regimen.  We are slightly nervous about the outcome, given that there was a tumor that was growing at the last scans and we haven't had the chance yet to do anything to treat that tumor.  So we are hopeful that that is not doing too much, and we are grateful to start systemic therapy again that can target ALL of the cancer.  As always, prayer is much appreciated for that.
• Ryan is deeply involved with the writing of his letters to Colton, the book project that he and Larry Leech are working collaboratively on.  We are actually to the point where we could send sample chapters and the proposal to publishers, so that could use some major prayer.
• Colton is doing awesome and we are starting to actually think about PRESCHOOL - crazy that he could enter this fall.  We are going to hold off (we think) for another year, but it is just insane to be thinking about such things.  Wasn't he just born last week?  I guess not, seeing as how he's talking in crazy long sentences, singing, using his imagination, and cracking jokes.  I just love that boy!
• Please be in prayer for Ryan's recent symptoms, which could still be after effects of the two therasphere treatments that he did in November and January.  Fatigue, lack of appetite, and increased bilirubin levels have been the main culprits.
• Ryan just celebrated his 27th birthday three days ago!  27!  We love that number but we love 28 much, much more.  Please keep praying for Ryan to see as many birthday candles on top of a cake as possible.
• And in case you were wondering, Tigers individual game tickets go on sale March 2nd.  I'm ridiculously excited for that date to come.  We have missed baseball around here and hope to get to a few more games this year!

Well there you have it, the major update of what is going on around here.  Please know that we love you all, and we love hearing from you.  We are grateful for your prayer support and covet it in the next week especially.as we head into scans.

2 Corinthians 4: 7-18

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

It's been a while

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's... whoops I'm a little late I guess. Other than a post that was actually a devotional I gave at my family Christmas I haven't posted anything since before Christmas. There are a couple reasons why:

1. We had scans on the 26th of December. Kendra posted many updates on the results and I'm so thankful for God's provision for my treatment.
2. It was Christmas and we had family and holiday stuff like everyone else. We had a great time with both sides of the family.  My brother recently got engaged and we got to meet our six-month-old nephew, so that was fun.
3. I've been sick off and on for a month. This is probably the biggest reason I haven't posted. For a week before the scans I started only sleeping about 3-4 hours a night. Then in between Christmas and New Years I caught the flu and fought a fever for about 10 days straight. I thought it got straightened out after seeing a Dr. and started to feel better until this Wednesday. While driving home I got a sharp pain in my neck that only got worse as the evening went on. A nice little visit to the ER revealed it could be a pulmonary embolism. After lots of scans and tests everything came back normal and as I suspected it was a muscle pull or pinched nerve or something muscular / skeletal. Then yesterday while driving to a business meeting I started feeling grey. I fought it off all day and went to bed with a slight fever. About an hour later the fever broke and I was finally feeling great again. The only problem is it was 1:00 am. I was wide awake and didn't go back to sleep until 4ish. After waking up at seven this morning, I've pretty much slept all day long. It wasn't until about 4 pm that I finally started feeling decent again.

I don't write all this to worry you, solicit help on how to stay healthy, or to elicit your sympathy. I know many of you care very deeply about how I'm doing. I've told Kendra I feel like the last month has been a battle. Fortunately none of the circumstances have been very serious in nature, they're just annoying, uncomfortable, or unpleasant.

When I'm sleep deprived, feverish, and overall just punky it's very hard for me to write anything. I wish I could but I just can't get the words to make sense in my head let alone on the page.

Here's a few prayer requests;
1. I have finally gotten the next round of Theraspheres scheduled. I will be going down January 23-24 for the next round. The actual injection will be very straight forward. However and this is IMPORTANT. The last scans revealed one tumor that appears to still be getting a blood supply. This allows it to grow. They're not sure where the supply is coming from, so before the injection they'll attempt to map out this specific tumor. Please pray that they could find the source and that it would be an option for a future injection of radiation. If they can't find the source or it's too intricate, then Theraspheres are not an option to treat that tumor.
2. Please pray for my overall health. While nothing seems to be serious, it is constantly a worry that an infection would get really bad, or that my body would get run down. We do take precautions to protect me and will continue to do so. However the best flu shot and medicine is the prayers of the saints.
3. Please pray for me professionally. This is a very busy time for me at work. It's exciting and God is doing some awesome things. However it requires a lot of focus and hard work. It is only for a season but I'm right in the middle of it now. Please pray for wisdom, strength, and focus.

Thanks so much for all your support. There is so much to be thankful for. We continue to take this journey one step at a time and God continues to guide us.

The story of the slowest mad dash to Zion, ever.

Hi friends,

I realize that some of you are pretty sketchy on details of what went down with Ryan yesterday.  Of course, most of you know that we got amazing news this week about his cancer.  What you may NOT know is that we also met Chris Tomlin this past Thursday after his Unity Fest concer, which was super exciting!  I'm planning on writing a post about that soon. (I was going to write it yesterday afternoon, but yesterday fell apart...more about that right now.)

So after a phenomenal week, Friday morning started out kind of sluggish.  Because Ryan and I were out whooping it up late Thursday night (my parents watched Colton that night, so we were certainly footloose and fancy free!), I slept in kind of late.  Ryan woke me up around 9 a.m. to tell me that he had not slept well the night before and felt like he was coming down with some sort of cold or something. I got up and made him breakfast and sent him to work late with a mug of green tea and a kiss on the cheek.  I was mildly concerned because he was developing a "cold" and had had such low white blood cell counts this week, but didn't think much of it.

I went and retrieved Colton from my parents and went to a farmers market to get vegetables for a soup that I was planning on making Friday evening.  As I was chopping veggies and Colton was busy making total chaos of the house with his toys, Ryan texted me and asked him to come get him.  I texted back that I would come get him as soon as I got the soup going, which would only take a few more minutes.  Five minutes later, he called me and asked me again to come get him.  I told him, "Sure.  You just texted me a few minutes ago, though.  I was already planning to come."  He told me that he had no recollection of texting me and that he had just thrown up.  So I dropped the veggies, grabbed rain boots as it was super soggy outside, and Colton and I loaded up quickly. 

On my way to get Ryan, he called me two more times (it's not THAT far of a distance).  Each time he sounded more and more distant and "out of it".  I was beginning to get really scared because he wasn't acting completely conscious and he was talking very strangely.  When I arrived at Grace to pick him up, I found him laying down on the couch at his parents' house next door to camp, with his summer media specialist Brian sitting by him.  Brian told me that he had been in a meeting with Ryan when Ry suddenly started to act...not lucid.  Ryan abruptly got up and left the room, and Brian heard him throw up and try calling me from the bathroom.  Brian, if you're reading this, know that I'm really thankful for the way that you took care of him and didn't leave his side while I was coming to get him!  You are a gem. (Even if you DO go to U of M.) ;)

Ryan's dad arrived at his house and we decided that Ryan should get to an ER ASAP.  We decided that I would take Ryan to the ER and Steve would stay with Colton for the afternoon.  So I loaded up my groggy husband and we took off for Muskegon.  Mercy Hospital's ER turned out to be an exercise of patience, futility, and frustration.  Essentially, we were there for four hours, Ryan did not get any fluids or meds, and he started to get belligerent when I tried to give him gentle suggestions.  This belligerent side of Ryan is NOT something that I've ever seen before.  Plus, he started to get some seriously strange GI symptoms.  Muskegon and CTCA corresponded on the phone and it was decided that Ryan needed to get to Zion that day.  Unfortunately, we could not go by ambulance (still trying to figure that one out), so we went in Steve's car.

This is when things got really dicey.  Ryan was still fairly disoriented, and was asking Steve and I the same 10 questions every five minutes: he inquired about his horses, our dog, our son, his brothers, he asked if Brian the media specialist was okay, he had no recollection of anything that had happened to him that week, and he wanted to stop and use the restroom every fifteen minutes.  We made three stops between Muskegon and the Michigan/Indiana border.  Then, as we crossed into Indiana, Steve's car started to act weird.  We pulled off at a gas station in Lake Station, Indiana and decided that it was not wise to risk going any further.  After checking several nearby car rental agencies and discovering that no one in northern Indiana rents a car past 6 pm, we called Ryan's younger brother Corey who goes to school in Deerfield, Illinois to come get us (this was an hour and a half from where we were).  As we were waiting, Ryan's demeanor started to return to normal and he was starting to feel better.  We were relieved that his symptoms were not nearly as intense, as waiting was hard enough on us already.

Finally, Corey arrived and took us the rest of the way to Zion.  We FINALLY arrived around 11 pm Central time and he was processed and admitted within the hour.  All in all, the mad dash to Zion took seven and a half hours.  Steve got a hotel room across the street and I stayed in the room with Ryan.  When we woke up this morning, Ryan was definitely beginning to recall some things that happened this week (he remembered the previous trip to Zion, and the Chris Tomlin concert), but he remembered almost nothing from Friday.

So far, he has had an Xray, a CAT scan, an MRI, blood cultures, urine samples, and several physical exams.  The doctors have ruled out high ammonia levels, there is no metastasis of any kind on his brain, his white blood cell count is normal, but his platelets are low and they won't entirely rule out some sort of infection until the cultures come back.  We thought that we would probably go home tomorrow (Sunday), but the on call doctor told me that she doesn't think that we will probably go home until Monday at the earliest, when Ryan's primary oncologist can visit him and evaluate him.  If Ryan does have some sort of infection, we might have to rule out treatment this week AGAIN.

Sooo...that is the long story of what has transpired.  We are doing okay.  My heart was in my throat the entire afternoon and evening yesterday when I had no idea what was wrong with my husband and he was acting so unlike himself, but today it is reassuring to see him at his normal self, eating food, being a polite, sweet man again, and able to recall things that have happened.  His GI symptoms are lessening, too, so that is an excellent sign.

We covet your prayers for wisdom for the doctors, peace as we continue to try to get answers about what's happening, for grace and strength to get through these long days of waiting and cooling our heels, for continued healing...and for this mama's heart as she so sorely misses her little boy.  I have only seen Colton for about an hour in the last forty-eight, and likely will not see him again for at least forty-eight more. :(

We will continue to update Facebook and our blog...especially now that I know where they hide the computer lab in this huge hospital. ;)

-kp

Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still."

Prayer requests from Zion, Illinois.

Scans.

Ah, those dreaded scans.  The moment where we contemplate whether it's better to know what's happening in Ryan's body, or whether ignorance is bliss.  Like them or hate them, scan results come back tomorrow, around noon Eastern time.  As I write this, Ryan is probably loaded up on barium and getting ready to enter the little tube.  We sincerely covet your prayers as we await the results tonight and tomorrow morning.  Pray for healing. Restoration. A miracle. Peace. Wisdom. Grace. Comfort.

Jer. 32:27, "Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh; is anything too difficult for Me?"

As anxious as we are about the results tomorrow, we claim this promise in advance: our God is still going to be the same loving, merciful, gracious God that He is today.  Our trust in Him will not be shaken whether the results are the best we could have hoped for, or whether we are devastated.  His character does not change like the shifting sands of our emotions.  No matter what we (or you) face in life, we must know this.

Psalm 91

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, 

    my God, in whom I trust.”

3 Surely he will save you

    from the fowler’s snare 

    and from the deadly pestilence. 

4 He will cover you with his feathers,

    and under his wings you will find refuge; 

    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,

    nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

    nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,

    ten thousand at your right hand,

    but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes

    and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”

    and you make the Most High your dwelling,

10 no harm will overtake you,

    no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you

    to guard you in all your ways; 

12 they will lift you up in their hands,

    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. 

13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;

    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;

    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;

    I will be with him in trouble,

    I will deliver him and honor him. 

16 With long life I will satisfy him

    and show him my salvation. ”

Week 7 appointment times, and a (mostly) positive update.

Hi everyone,

As I type this, Ryan is receiving his first treatment of Week 7.  He has started his more targeted therapy, which means lower doses of radiation.  Lower doses + less general radiation will hopefully = less fatigue.  We're looking forward to that.  Along with that good news, we are going to be able to see the Tigers play the Cubs a couple of times this week, and we are extremely excited to make memories as a family at historic Wrigley Field!

So without further ado, here are Ryan's Week 7 appointments, in Central time:

Monday: 2:15 pm
Tuesday: 8:40 am
Wednesday: 8:40 am
Thursday: 8:40 am
Friday: 7:30 am

So the rest of this post is going to be a bit of a mixed bag.  I'm having a very up and down day emotionally because of a lot of news that has hit me like a ton of bricks in the last 24 hours, yet I'm trying to remain thankful for all of the positives.

Number 1, please pray for me (Kendra) as I adjust to the idea that my horse (Riata) is likely going to have to be put down.  We are having a vet come and check her out, but she appears to have some sort of neurological disorder that is worsening.  She is obviously in pain and at times can hardly walk or move, and my husband and a couple of horse people that we are close to and trust very much all think that there is little that can be done for her.  I am heartbroken.  In the midst of everything else swirling around me, I am just simply distraught that my beautiful girl is likely not treatable.

Number 2, we had an appointment today that was informative and full of positive news, and yet delivered a couple of crushing blows to me and my spirit.  We met with our primary oncologist to determine the "next steps" after radiation.  Let me temper my sadness with the outstanding news that Ryan is doing amazingly well and our oncologist is extremely hopeful and optimistic that radiation has done its job.  Bloodwork = spectacular.  Pain = gone.  We are blessed.


The part that I'm having a hissy fit about is that Ryan is likely going to be going on some pretty intensive chemotherapy starting only two weeks after the end of radiation (so likely sometime around July 9).  For those of you familiar with chemotherapy, this is the FOLFOX combination (Folinic acid, 5FU, and Oxaliplatin).  Ryan has not been on any of these drugs before, but he has experienced Oxaliplatin's cousins - Cisplatin and Carboplatin.  I am not in any way, shape, or form excited about him going on these drugs, but I do know that it is necessary.  Anyway, so it appears that he will be receiving these drugs in combination with Erbitux, another drug that I'm not familiar with.  I do know that he had to be tested for his response to Erbitux, and it appears that he is a candidate for it.  Our doctor also mentioned that in the future, Ryan is a candidate for using Tarceva - another type of drug that is more of a "maintenance drug" - not a cure, but something that could potentially buy him years of life.  Is the word "years" not the most beautiful word you've ever heard?

So why am I upset?  Because my dream was to have Ryan take a month or so off of treatment.  Just a month of normalcy, that's all I really wanted.  I wanted a quiet July, complete with maybe a small family getaway, lots of bonding time, and Ryan feeling awesome.  It appears that I will not be getting that dream, but I am absolutely, 100% thankful that our doctor is pushing for him to do this - I know that it's what is for the best.  I am so grateful for Ryan's response to radiation and that he's doing excellently.  I am also grateful that he is the world's biggest fighter and that he's raring to go for another chemotherapy combination.   I think that if it were me facing FOLFOX, I would be stomping my feet and in total refusal, but he is completely positive and happy to go through hell again for the sake of staying around with us.

On that note, we should hopefully be finding out sometime late July/early August what the results are of the radiation treatment.  Ryan is going to be having a big round of scans sometime around then to find out what is going on.  As I said, our doctor is reasonably hopeful that the cancer is gone for now, or at least very, very small.  If there is still only a tiny bit left, a chemoembolization or radiation spheres may be on the horizon.  We will not know until then what the next step is.  Our oncologist was quite adamant, however, that even the most positive of results (a PET negative) would still mean an additional 3-6 months of chemotherapy in order to ensure that the cancer was completely eradicated.

So all in all, this has been a day of many ups and downs.  Overall, I count myself very blessed that this week I am with my son AND my husband, and that he is feeling well.  That is a "win", indeed.

We are so thankful for you.

"I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers." Ephesians 1:16

As Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus, he was thankful for the way that they had housed him and helped him grow his ministry there.  We, too, are so thankful for the people that have housed us, fed us, prayed for us, and remembered us in their own prayers for the last 13 months.  We find this blog to be an amazing way of connecting with people from all over the world that have resonated with our story and are continually floored by the way that people have supported us!

We have both been approached by a ton of people about what we are going to have to do in order to pull off treatment in Chicago.  We were asked by probably no less than twenty people (no joke) to let us know what our needs are.  Some even specifically asked us to put it on our blog.  We were reticent to say at first what we needed because people have already been so generous with us in the past, but I had someone argue with me: "Yeah, not everyone had the chance to be at the Rodeo last summer.  Some of us still want a chance to help."  Duly noted.  So let me start with a list of the logistics that I'm pulling together:

1. Ryan will stay at CTCA's guest quarters four nights a week.
2. Ryan will fly home four or five times to be with us on the weekends.  FYI, the only airline that flies between O'Hare and Muskegon is United.
3. Colton and I will drive between here and Chicago once or twice before school is done, but once school is done we will be abandoning Michigan in favor of being with Ryan 24/7.  Our house will need to be looked after, our horses will need the same, and our dog will need a temporary home.
4. The hospital has a cafeteria that Ryan will eat most of his meals at, but sometimes he has a hard time with the food, especially if he has any nausea.  Therefore, for a little bit of variety and/or a plan B, he will occasionally eat at Applebee's (really the only nearby restaurant).
5. Ryan does a lot of things around our house that intimidate me, such as transporting garbage, weed-whacking, and doing minor car things.

That ends the logistical end of it.  Let's go to the other end, the personal-social end of this situation, which is much, much more daunting:

1. Prayer.  The only way that this is going to work is if it's in God's will, and we believe that His ear is very much attuned to the desires of His people.  Please continue to intercede on our behalf before His throne that He would heal Ryan.
2. Encouragement.  These weeks are going to be a long haul, and possibly kind of boring and lonely (especially for Ryan).  Cards, emails, words of encouragement, verses, etc. will be really helpful for both of us.  If you are in the Chicagoland area, Ryan would LOVE to have a cup of coffee with you. :)
3. Understanding.  We might be more unavailable than usual, and we will surely be very protective of our weekends.  If we seem aloof, please be understanding of the reasons why.
4. Attitude.  I realize that there is a "light at the end of the tunnel" and that my separation from Ryan is only temporary, but since he's been diagnosed with cancer, nights away from him are really rough on me...almost like a harsh reminder of what I'm facing if cancer takes him from me.
5. Colton.  We are going to strive to have this be as smooth as possible for our son, but he's very, very attached to his daddy right now and I'm concerned about how he'll handle this disruption to his life.  We are planning on utilizing Skype and Facetime quite a bit so that he can feel connected to his dad, but if you can remember Colton specifically when you pray for our family, that would be so appreciated.
6. Ministry.  Our jobs are our primary ministries.  To that end, we are hoping that we can both remain fully vested in our job responsibilities.  For me to be able to stay fully connected, I will need Ryan's treatments to go smoothly.  Thankfully, a lot of Ryan's job duties include doing things on the computer, which he can do from anywhere, and he is hoping to keep up with meetings by Skype.  Additionally, he will have some time on his hands to work on our book project, plus he would welcome the opportunity to speak at Chicagoland churches.

PHEW.  Okay, now that I type it out I realize that we do have a lot going on right now.  :)

Since Ryan has been diagnosed with cancer, we have had to learn how to say "thank you" instead of shying away from the generosity of others. About a year ago, we were lectured by a close friend about how giving is more about the giver than the recipient.  "Kendra and Ryan, do not take away someone else's opportunity to obey God's calling in their lives."  Um, okay.  When you put it like that, it seems different.  Truth be told, we really wish that we were not in this situation in our lives and that we are recipients of blessings instead of the givers.  It's awkward, and my pride is crippling at times.  But I do know because I have been on the other side of the fence, that God-prompted giving is a blessing.  So that's why we have learned how to say "thank you" when an eight-year-old gives us seven dollars from his piggy bank to put towards "Mr. Ryan's medicine" - who are WE to tell a child that his gift is not wanted?  The generosity of people towards us has taught a valuable lesson about kindness that we will carry forward when we are no longer in this position and we have the opportunity to pour love into another hurting person's life.  We so look forward to the day when we can be the blessers instead of the blessees.  Until then, we continue to give God thanks for people like you - people that read our blog, pray for us, and consider us worthy recipients of your kindness!

An introduction to the world of radiation.

Hello all!

This morning we met with our new radiation oncologist, Dr. Eden.  Let me start off by saying that besides my family members, Dr. Eden may be my new favorite person in the entire world.  He began the meeting by saying how encouraged he was that Ryan's cancer is localized and therefore treatable, and he firmly intends to take an aggressive, curative approach to treating Ryan instead of just palliative care.  He said that Ryan is young, strong, and "healthy", with a son and a wife to live for, so there is no point in not "completely going after it".  At this point, I screamed out a very happy, excited "Heck yeah!".  Tears flooded my eyes as someone said to us for the first time in a long time, "We want to try to get rid of this cancer."

We spent a long time discussing possible side effects, some of which are normal (fatigue, skin irritation, GI symptoms) and some are more rare and serious (long-term damage to the kidneys, colon, secondary cancers, possible infertility, and liver problems).  We are okay moving forward in spite of these...after all, we have very little to lose and a whole lot to gain.

So here's what the process will look like: we are on our way home right now, and next week Ryan will fly or drive down to Zion alone to have a two-day series of appointments to begin prepping for radiation treatments.  They will give him small tattoos to map out where they will give him the radiation (down to sub-millimeter accuracy), and mold a special board for him to lay upon so that he lays in the exact same position every day.  He will then fly back home for the last weekend in April and his treatments will likely begin the first week of May.  He will need to be down at CTCA every weekday for seven to nine weeks, with a break on the weekends.  He will concurrently be taking the same oral chemo that he has been taking because that chemo makes radiation more effective.  Colton and I will be able to see him on weekends (either we'll go to Chicago or he'll come home), and once school is done for the summer, I fully intend to be with Ryan until his treatments are over.

This doctor's faith was very evident from the get-go.  He said that he has a strong faith and believes that God uses him as an instrument of healing.  He insisted that he will pray with/for us the whole time that he's treating us.  In other words, he meshed really well with us.  We asked him about doing radiation close to home and while he did not say anything negative about any other provider, he did say that he believes that CTCA's radiation oncology department is second to none.  We felt extremely confident after the appointment was over that we should be in Zion for treatments, especially after having met Dr. Eden and hearing his approach to this.  After all, what Christian would not feel comfortable treating in a place called Zion?

Since we have elected to have the treatments done in the Chicagoland area, we are cognizant of the fact that our lives will be in upheaval for the next couple of months.  We are confident that God will provide for our needs, financially and logistically, in order for Ryan to get the best care possible.  We are already putting plans in place on how to juggle travel, lodging, "single parenting" (for me), nutrition needs for Ryan, and some family members are already asking if they can take time to stay with Ryan in Zion.  Truthfully, it will be a hardship for me and my students for me to be with him much.  I have a lot of responsibilities at school, and while Ryan absolutely comes first in my life, I need to balance that with the needs of my students.  This is a very busy time for me at school as I push to get my kids through their last chapters of the year and then prepare for the final exam.  Ryan has insisted that he will be okay without me - after all, the treatments for this do not seem to be too rigorous, and the side effects are very manageable.  This is why we have a support network in place, and I feel at peace with allowing other people to step in and help.

Specific prayer requests: for everything to go smoothly next week at the prep appointments on Tuesday & Wednesday, for wisdom & guidance & God's directive hand to be with the doctors, for provision for our needs, and for peace and comfort as we make this new bend in the road.  We continue to covet your prayers, and we praise God for how He continues to provide for our every need and that His will for our lives is absolutely perfect.  No matter what happens in the next couple of months, no matter what fork in the road comes along in this journey, our deepest desire is that His Mighty Name is glorified.


Psalm 24

Of David. A psalm.
1 The earth is the LORD’s, and everything in it,
   the world, and all who live in it;
2 for he founded it on the seas
   and established it on the waters.

 3 Who may ascend the mountain of the LORD?
   Who may stand in his holy place?
4 The one who has clean hands and a pure heart,
   who does not trust in an idol
   or swear by a false god.

 5 They will receive blessing from the LORD
   and vindication from God their Savior.
6 Such is the generation of those who seek him,
   who seek your face, God of Jacob.

 7 Lift up your heads, you gates;
   be lifted up, you ancient doors,
   that the King of glory may come in.
8 Who is this King of glory?
   The LORD strong and mighty,
   the LORD mighty in battle.
9 Lift up your heads, you gates;
   lift them up, you ancient doors,
   that the King of glory may come in.
10 Who is he, this King of glory?
   The LORD Almighty—
   he is the King of glory.

Yay! An appointment!

We got in first thing with the director of the radiation department tomorrow morning at 8:30 Central time.  As the scheduler said when she called us back, "You guys are in good hands."  We like that.

Pray for wisdom at this appointment, and that they feel that they can move forward with radiation very, very soon.  We also need to still consider the Muskegon option, but we want to hear what Zion has to say first before we make our final decision on what to do.

Please, please, please pray lots!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Here was my Facebook status from Sunday night:

I'm so glad that we chose to ask people for prayer this week.

Here are very, very specific answers to prayer that we've had:

1. We felt more peaceful heading into these scans than I think we ever have before.  Sitting in the little room is always agony for both of us, and we were jovial and joking around the whole time.  My stomach only danced a couple of times inside my abdomen, instead of doing the cha-cha for 24 hours straight before the appointment.
2. I had a meeting on Monday afternoon that went as well as I could have possibly hoped for.  I can't share details at this point, but praise God for the results of it.
3. Ryan's scans showed that everything (tumors, blood work) totally stable again four weeks after starting the new treatment.  This is the best that I hoped for!  We have scans again in eight weeks and I'm going to throw my prayer energy into asking God for some shrinking of these darned tumors at that point.
4. Our oncologist mentioned that there is a new chemotherapy drug in the midst of FDA approval right now that he is excited about with regards to the treatment of cholangiocarcinoma.  I REALLY wish that I had asked him what the name of it is, but I forgot to. :(  If you read this and you're interested in learning more, I can get ahold of him and I'll ask for you.
5. Ryan is continuing to get more and more inquiries on speaking engagements. He is speaking several times this upcoming month and we are both sooo excited about how God is using this trial in our lives to impact other people!  By my estimate, around two thousand people have now heard Ryan (and/or me) speak at various events, and we have now had over 75,000 hits from 8,000 unique visitors.  I'm not boasting, because this has nothing to do with us, two ordinary people.  I give God the glory for how He has turned a painful situation into a way for people to draw closer to Him.  If we have to walk through this (which we do, unfortunately), there may as well be some eternal value to it!

We are in high spirits right now.  It feels like life is moving forward, ever so slowly...and even though the future still remains a giant question mark, we continue to remain absolutely certain that we serve an all-powerful God who works miracles, and has plans to prosper us - not harm us.  He gives us HOPE and a FUTURE!

Happy 26th birthday, Ryan!

Today my husband is 26!

(I very specifically remember some dark days this past spring when I doubted that my husband would reach this day.)

And he feels good today!  He looks great.  No, I'm not just being biased.  He looks exactly the same as he always has, handsome and healthy.

A recent picture of us.  Hottt husband.

I am so thankful for him.

Our celebrations are already pretty much over for his birthday, besides a quiet dinner tomorrow night with just the three of us in Chicago (more on that in a minute).  The BIG celebration was last weekend.  Last Saturday, I totally "got him" with a surprise birthday party!  Over fifty of our friends and family attended and it was a great time.  No, he didn't have a clue - I pulled one over on the world's biggest analytical mind!

"Ok, no more smiling...let's eat cake, Daddy!"

So now that things have quieted down, his actual birthday will be spent doing something very different than the norm: going to Chicago to get a scan done and to see what's going on inside his body.  Pray for positive news.  After last month's mediocre news, I could stand to hear something extraordinarily awesome & God-sized.  However, it's only been four weeks (two cycles) so I'm expecting not much will be different.

Please stop and pray for us today.  We ask for many, many, many more birthdays.  At least fifty more.

Then please do a couple of other things.

#1: Tell Ryan "happy birthday"! (You can comment here or else "like" his page on Facebook - look to the right panel of the blog and click "like" and tell him that way.)
#2: Share this blog post on Facebook, or send the link to a friend.  If you know of someone that would pray for us as we head into this week's scans, or you know of someone that could be encouraged by reading our blog, then please help us get the word out!  We need all the prayer momentum we can possibly get!

Well, here's the story!

Ryan had an excellent checkup yesterday. He met with his oncologist after having had some bloodwork in the morning. That all looked great! Tumor markers are normal as they always have been, and liver enzymes are only slightly elevated in the same categories they were in November. What this means is that he's very stable and healthy, even after an extended break away from chemotherapy.

We count ourselves very blessed to hear this news. It was as good as we had hoped for. Now the next step is scans on January 24-25, and we are praying for excellent news. They will not be as extensive as last time, so we might not get as clear of a picture of what the cancer is doing.

Please pray for healing like no other. One of my good friends and I were talking recently and both of us had been prompted that very morning to pray for a healing that could only be attributed to God. Lord, there is no doubt who would get glory if Ryan is healed; it would be all for your fame.

I also want to thank the many people who commented on Facebook and on the blog here to encourage me. It has helped. In my husband's accurate assessment of my current problems, "It's been too much about Kendra trying to figure out how to control the situation and wriggle out of an impossible situation." He hit it right on the money. Have you noticed the blog posts have slowed down to a trickle? Yeah, that's not a coincidence. I have been a mess lately. Who wants to read something that a mess would write?

Anyway, I know perfectly well what I need to do. I need to humble myself before the Lord (again). I need to surrender the pitiful attempts to wrest control of a situation that is truly beyond anything that I can grasp hold of. I need to be still, and know that my God is ABLE. Somehow I lost sight of that for the past couple of months.

The good news is, at the end of this long struggle, I have a loving God that is waiting for me to come back.

And that is exactly what I choose to do.

It's not all about us.

We are not the only ones who are hurting because of cancer.

We have a lot of friends, acquaintances, and family members who are struggling with their own cancer or watching a loved one struggle...or even recently buried a loved one. I can only empathize with people who are going through these things... I will not be arrogant enough to say, "I know exactly how you feel."

If you would choose one or two of these families and pray for them alongside our names, we would be so appreciative.

Dianna is a mom with the same cancer as Ryan and whose symptoms are often debilitating. Pray for her sister, who is her caretaker.

Collin, a young dad with serious cancer who is from our hometown. Praise God for his response to treatment.

Bill is the patriarch of a sweet family from Montague. He was recently diagnosed with cancer. Praise God that his doctors are optimistic about his recovery.

Pray for Marla and her family as they still mourn the loss of her mother just over a year ago.

Pray for Carrie, a very young woman who just lost her fiancé Tom to cancer.

Pray for Anna, the matriarch of a family who was recently diagnosed. Her daughter was very instrumental in the Rodeo. They get results this week from a PET scan.

Pat is a sweet family friend of ours and was my mom's best friend in high school. She has scans coming up in December. She has struggled with cancer for years .., let's pray it away!

Pray for our sister-in-law's mother Melinda, who is fighting another bout with cancer. She has beat this twice and we earnestly hope that she defeats it again, for good!

Pray for Cindy, my friend who lost her husband in April to this same cancer. She is raising two children alone and is so inspirational and encouraging to me!

I know that we are missing people. I'm sorry for that. I know that you know others. Let's commit to praying for the people and families affected, and encouraging them. We have to pray for the eradication of this horrible disease! Kick it out, in Jesus' name!

Update on Ryan.

You can breathe a sigh of relief.  This isn't a bad update, it's actually a really good one.  Ryan's not been feeling hot the last couple of days (which is expected, since he got his nasty treatment on Wednesday), so I figured I should probably update people on how he's doing.

Wednesday morning, I woke up at five a.m. like normal (have I yet mentioned how much I despise waking up so early?  I need to advocate for school starting at 10 a.m.), and when I checked to see what the score was of the Tigers game the night before on my iPhone, Ryan popped up on Facebook Messenger and asked me what I was doing up so early.  Now mind you, he was awake at FOUR a.m. Central Time (he was already in Chicago at this point).  So then he told me that he had barely slept the night before because he was itchy and uncomfortable.  This totally scared me, because itching is one of the #1 symptoms of liver problems.  However, when he got bloodwork done that day, everything was the same as always (pretty much completely normal - Praise the Lord!).  Ryan has always struggled with dry skin, especially in the months of October & November when the weather is changing and becoming drier.  It seems as if the symptoms have gone away once he started using really good moisturizing lotion.

So the appointment on Wednesday went great - no new symptoms, his bloodwork was really good, and he has had decreased side effects since he went on his new drugs.  Now we all need to start PRAYING,

PRAYING!

that his scans on November 7th go really, really well.  I'm not sure if we will be in Chicago for 2 days or 3 days, but we will probably get results on the 8th or the 9th.

PRAY!

Please. :-)

What's going on?

Hey there everybody,

Well, like it or not, school is back in session.  For some of us, this means much busier times...like teaching, daycare, running around after school to practices, etc.  For some of you, it may be relief!  Phew, I'm home alone/with less children again!  I'm actually so busy lately that I'm typing this while on my lunch break at school, while scarfing down almonds (I have yet to actually remember to bring a lunch except for one day...sigh).  Busy feels good, most of the time.  Normalcy is something that I crave, even though my normal is a crazy schedule.

Being busy takes my mind off of things, which is a blessing in the moment but sometimes it can be overwhelming when things come rushing back.  As I was driving home from work yesterday (Monday), I began praying - and I hadn't even gotten out of Grand Haven before I was in floods of tears.  To say that I've been struggling with the question "Why us?" lately - that would be an understatement.  The question of why my son Colton's dad is in serious danger of losing his life, when there are plenty of deadbeat, awful dads out there - I cannot answer that in my finite wisdom.  It is so unfair.  God, why don't you just take jerks out of the world while they're young and leave us good people alone and let all of us live nice, long lives?

I know that this is irrational, and I know truths in my head.  But there is a huge disconnect sometimes between the truths that I know about God and what I feel in my heart.  This is precisely why I'm not worried anymore about how I'm going to handle all of this situation, because my head almost always wins out over my heart (my life is ruled by logic).  At the end of every difficult situation, I grudgingly make the choice to trust.  But getting between point A and point B can be a very sticky, difficult road sometimes.  When I'm having a downer day, it's because for the umpteenth time, I'm trying to figure out this tricky situation of giving up control issues.

Sigh.

In other news, Ryan and his dad are headed down to Zion today.  No big scans are scheduled, but please pray for excellent, encouraging bloodwork.  Please pray that Ryan's next treatment cycle goes very well...no serious nausea since the ugly cycle 3 in June, and we'd like to keep it that way.  His neuropathy is getting a little worse every cycle (since it has cumulative effects on the body), but it's still extremely manageable.  We would just really like it if it didn't progress hardly at all.

We've gotta pray these tumors away.  God is absolutely able.  Let's keep bringing it before his throne!

We must pray more.

Those simple four words came from an email from church this past week.

On Wednesday, I emailed Ruth, the secretary at our church.  Ruth maintains a list of prayer partners for FBC, and I am on the email list that goes out.  Prayers for our missionaries' special needs, updates on the sick, updates on church ministries, and announcements such as births and deaths go out on an almost-daily basis.  I told Ruth in my email to her about the results of Ryan's tests.  Right before I typed out the message on my iPhone, I had just spent 10 minutes in a bathroom on the third floor at CTCA, creating a pool of tears on the floor and berating God for not answering our prayers.  I wasn't praying, I was yelling.  I was not asking for anything, I was just venting.  I think that I used the word "raging" in my previous post.

Ruth received my email and quickly forwarded it out to the prayer list.  Above my original message, she said those four words: "We must pray more!"  That struck me.  I was wallowing in self-pity and anger and denial, and Ruth called upon our church to pray more diligently and frequently.  Almost instantly, my focus changed.  I can't necessarily say that I'm not still peeved that God did not choose to heal Ryan yet during these last three cycles, but I have resolved to praying much, much more frequently than I have been.

And I'm going to ask you to as well.  I humbly and passionately ask you, our blog followers, to pray more frequently for Ryan's healing.  If you're praying for him once a day, please consider praying twice.  If you're praying five times a day, try eight or ten.  Ryan taught on prayer in Sunday school last week, and he has lots of tips on incorporating a more meaningful prayer time in your life - maybe I'll bug him to share his thoughts here.  One of the things he said in our class was that it is okay for prayers to be even three words.  Many times a day, he shoots up the simple prayer, "Lord, heal me".  If you're like me and remembering to pray for people on a regular basis is hard, then please set up reminders - the "Cowboy Up" bracelet is a great one (we have a lot of them left over from the Rodeo - if you would like one, let me know), or maybe set a reminder on your phone or email.  I have no doubt that God can heal Ryan, and if he chooses not to, then I don't want it to be for a lack of intercession.

Furthermore, I don't want this to be an all "take" situation and no "give".  I can definitely say that my prayer life has been much more fruitful and all-encompassing in the last five months than it ever has been.  Even though I don't always FEEL like God is listening, I KNOW that he is.  If there is something that you are struggling with and it needs prayer, tell me.  I would love to know.  I would feel honored to pray for the same people that are praying for us.

We are all in this together.  We need you so desperately right now.

Thank you for supporting us and continuing to read our blog.  It still catches me by surprise when people tell me that they're reading it.  It floors me when they say that they're being impacted by it.  I am so glad.  Sometimes I worry about how the world will think of me when they read my visceral reactions to this situation (since one of my top motivators in life is to have people approve of me), but if I can encourage at least a few people where they're at, then it's worth living this out in a public forum.

We love you all.  Have we told you that recently?  We are so, so thankful for God's people.

Scan week

Ok, people, get your prayer on.

Approximately 30 hours from now, Ryan will be getting scans done.

Exactly 48 hours from now, we will be finding out the results.

My heart cannot stop doing flips and flops and racing. I am so anxious to know, and yet I want to be ignorant. I am so hopeful, and so scared.

Please be praying. Please. Please pray for an amazing set of scans that show the cancer is retreating in a most miraculous way. Please, please, please pray right now.

A lot of prayer needed...

Hello friends and family and prayer supporters,

I'm writing this post tonight from my parents' house, which is where I'm going to spend the night tonight.  Why, might you ask?  Well, I haven't been feeling well all day today.  Tonight I have come down with a fever of 103.4 and I'm thinking that it might possibly be strep.  I am miserable.  But that's really not what needs dire prayer.  Please pray that Ryan will not come down with whatever it is that I have.  His immune system is very compromised this week because his blood counts bottom out when he's about 7-10 days past his week 1 treatment.  Tomorrow, Wednesday, will be 7 days.  I'm going to stay away from him until I get on antibiotics and am not infectious anymore.  My dad is going to take me to the doctor tomorrow and help take care of me and Colton (who is perfectly healthy right now).

In other news, Ryan has still been feeling GREAT during this cycle.  We're very pleased with the changes in his meds.  It has been a difference of night and day from the last time!

Prayer requests

Hello everyone, it's been a while since we've articulated what prayer needs we have.  I have no doubt that many of you have been lifting us up.  But here's what needs prayer specifically:

1.) We're about to start the treatment cycle over again.  As we all know, the last treatment did not go well for Ryan.  We really covet your prayers that we will have wisdom on the best medications to give him to alleviate his symptoms, and that those symptoms would be much lessened from the last time, if not totally eradicated.


2.) August 10th is an important day that is coming up in only six weeks....Ryan's next scans.  Please pray that those scans would show that his treatment is shrinking the cancer...for another good appointment.


3.) Pray for our story to impact people positively around us.  We don't covet the spotlight, but we do pray for lives to be changed because of this.

4.) Pray for traveling mercies as we go to Chicago.


5.) Our sweet baby boy will be staying with friends while we are gone.  Pray that he will quickly adjust to his surroundings and be content.

Please pray for me today

Last night was the tale of two evenings. From supper until midnight I got the first sign of relief from this treatment. I felt alert, not nauseous, and ate really well. Kendra and I enjoyed our evening together. Then as I went to go to bed an atomic bomb hit me. I'm not sure what happened, but I pretty quickly slid into extreme nausea, insomnia, stomach pain, and vomiting. I did not sleep at all last night and have only had brief interludes of feeling okay after I get sick.

I'm supposed to get treatment today and right now literally every time I move a couple of inches, I get sick. I have an hour drive a head of me to get to the treatment center. Please pray that this would pass quickly. Pray that we would travel to the center without incident. Please pray for Kendra and her peace of mind. It is so difficult for her to watch this.

My attitude is pretty decent. I was frustrated after I felt so well last night and then regressed. I'm anxious about how long this will last. Also I have not been able to keep anything down and I don't want to lose weight.

Please pray for us this morning and today. Thank you.