Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 2 Corinthians 1:9
Kendra and I are on our way to the emergency room this morning. The pain in my back has been manageable over the last couple days but is not getting noticeably better. I actually slept through the whole night last night, but as I woke up it is still there when I breath and move wrong.
After consulting with our doctor's in Chicago they advised we head to get a check up at our ER. This pain is not normal for the Therasphere treatment and so they don't know what might be causing it.
This is very frustrating, scary, and not at all what we wanted to do this weekend. However we're going to err on the side of caution and see if we can't get to the bottom of things.
Please pray for us..
1. Please pray for Kendra and I. We have been through some up and down weeks lately and were really really really looking forward to four straight days with Colton doing family time. We had to send Colton to her folks house this morning.
2. Please pray for wisdom for the ER Dr's. I'm slightly skeptical that they'll be able to figure anything out. This is a very complicated case and there are so many variables. The risk of being wrong is great and it can be a worry to us.
3. Please pray for the elimination of the symptoms and for my healing. We still pray every day for God's will to be done no matter what. Pray that we would have opportunities to honor Him no matter what.
God is good. His blessing and mercy is unending and never failing. He knew we'd be heading to the ER today and so this is part of His plan.
This is a day to remember what the Lord has done for us! We are grateful for His provision and his mercies and since last year, we have tried to live each day with Thanksgiving. (See this previous post.)
Yet today is a concerning day. I write this post from a Marriott in Kalamazoo - another day, another hotel. We came here last night to rest before our family's Thanksgiving dinner today in Gull Lake. However, Ryan has been having increasingly concerning symptoms, most notably intense pain. We are not sure why the pain is here. He has had slight, intermittent pain throughout his whole journey, but not this prolonged and not this severe. He literally can hardly breathe or move. We are unsure whether or not this is cancer metastasis, or simply irritation from yesterday's procedure. We are praying for the latter. We are also praying for wisdom.
We will keep you posted, but in the meantime - enjoy your Thanksgiving and please pray for us!
Over the last couple of days I've seen many prayers answered.
Here's another one many of you were praying along with us.
The Theraspheres radiation treatment is now scheduled for next Wednesday the 21st! Which means we'll get the treatment before Thanksgiving. Things have moved much faster than what we were told was possible. I think we all know why.
I wanted to give you all an update and thank you again for your prayers.
ALL SYSTEMS ARE A GO FOR THE THERASPHERE TREATMENT! Apparently the whole mapping procedure was a success; Ryan's body is adequately "set up" for the treatment and he will be sent home soon. His mom has been texting me updates all day. He is groggy and in a bit of pain from all the poking and prodding, but he will be alright.
We are waiting to hear from scheduling to see when his actual Y-90 treatment will take place: maybe as early as Thursday or Friday this week, perhaps Monday or Tuesday next week, or perhaps even the day after Thanksgiving. Is it wrong to drop my husband off at the hospital and then go hit up the Black Friday sales? (I'm completely kidding.)
God is good and His plan is always best.
Thanks again for praying so much for us. We love you all.
Just a quick update to remind you that tomorrow is Ryan's mapping procedure and lung shunt. These tests will determine whether or not he is a candidate for the Theraspheres. It is critical that we pray him through tomorrow!
Another prayer request is that he can get the actual procedure done ASAP. We want to lose as little "ground" as possible. We are both nervous and edgy about all the time that he has been off of treatment.
Not much else to say tonight. Please, please just pray - and thank you, because I know that you already are.
I've been off chemotherapy for a couple of weeks now. After the last set of scans we decided to move towards an aggressive and relatively new form of radiation called Theraspheres. Basically they'll inject radiated glass beads (smaller than the width of a hair) into my body which will then flow through arteries and veins to target the cancer internally.
We've been waiting for some scheduling conflicts to work out and I don't have a full update but here's what we know now. I'll be getting the "mapping" procedures done on Monday. This includes some blood work, but really it's a trial run to make sure there are no abnormalities in my vessels and that the radiated material doesn't leak into my lungs. Then the following Monday the Dr.'s will review my results to determine if we move forward. There is very little chance of a complication but just because it's unknown makes it worrisome. Please pray that all these test go well and there are no issues.
If I clear all the tests then I'll most likely receive the injection the Thursday after Thanksgiving. This is later than we expected and it has been frustrating trying to work around multiple Dr.'s schedules and Thanksgiving. The concern is how long I've been off of treatment. You can't do chemo for a couple weeks before the radiation. Not knowing it would take this long I've been off treatment longer than I expected.
This is a bittersweet circumstance. We're nervous about not treating for a month and a half. I do trust that God is in control but this isn't what I would have liked. However not doing chemotherapy for this long has allowed me to feel great the last couple weeks.
I forgot what it felt like to feel so normal. I have more energy, I've been able to help out more around the house, even played volleyball this week. More than that I've just felt more like myself. The indescribable effect of a year and a half straight of chemo has become my new normal. It affects my energy, my motivation, my appetite, everything. These drugs are designed to kill things and they do their job well.
I don't have a lesson or point to make. I just wanted to give an update on what we've been up to lately. I'm extremely excited to go to Chicago this weekend. I get to see my youngest brother Corey complete his final college football game. I can't tell you how proud I am of Corey and the Godly man he's become. He's a leader on his team and has been an incredible encouragement to me over the last year. It's so exciting to see what God's got in store for him.
I will also be giving the devotional to the team on Saturday morning. This will be the third time I've had the privilege of speaking to this team this year. I don't know what their win loss record is after hearing me but they keep asking me back. It's extremely rewarding to be able to encourage and hopefully inspire these young men to live their lives fully committed to Christ. Please pray for me as I really want to make sure what I share is what God has for these men to hear.
Thank you so much for all your prayers and support. Kendra and I don't get tired of hearing "I'm praying for you". We don't take it for granted and we know we're only in the position we're in right now because of God's grace and your constant lifting us up. This has been an up and down month for us and we have needed all the prayers we could get. Please pray that the procedure goes well, that the cancer is not spreading, and that my family would continue to be protected from the toll and effects this could take on them.
"This Tuesday the fate of the world rests in your hands. Your vote and your vote alone will save all of humanity from imminent and complete certain destruction. The choice is simple. Candidate A will close the holes in the ozone, save the unicorns, and bring our country back to the good ole days of milkshakes, leisure suits, and wood paneled cars! Candidate B hates you and everyone you care about. They revel in your pain and suffering. Nothing they do has ever been, is not currently, nor could ever be remotely successful because they're the worst human being ever."
In my younger years (I know I'm only 26, some of you are rolling your eyes pretty hard right now), I used to get pretty animated about politics. I was very excited that I turned 18 on a presidential election year. I exercised my right to vote then, and took it seriously... until I got into the booth and learned that judicial candidates don't have party affiliations next to their name.
Whoops. Missed that one. Hopefully eenie meenie miney moe was spirit directed that afternoon because that's how we overcame that bit of poor planning.
The last presidential election I was 22. This time I was married, had a full-time job and felt much more "adult". I don't know if that was why I felt so much more anxious than the first time around. I remember the night of the election I stayed up way too late. That whole day I furiously checked the internet, the news, and the radio for some sign or indicator that my candidate was winning.
I was afraid of the consequences of the other guy winning. What would it mean for America, for me, for my family some day? The stakes felt so important that I was uneasy and irritable all day long.
This year things are quite a bit different for me. I still care. I still take it seriously, and know it's a special privilege to live in a country where I have the right to vote. I believe we should be informed, discerning, and judicious in our decisions when we cast our ballots.
So what's changed? I'm not worried one bit about who wins. I'm not anxious, nervous, or concerned about the outcome.
What it boils down to is God will still be the sovereign God of the universe on Wednesday morning. His plans can not be thwarted no matter who is President of America. My daily walk with the Lord should not and will not change based on who the President is. My purpose is still the same, the commandments I've been given are still the same, and God's plan for the world is still the same.
The question I've been struggling with lately is, why was I more emotionally concerned about elections in years past than I was about unsaved friends and family, orphans, or suffering people? I rarely, if ever, have stayed up late at night full of anxiety about the salvation of the people I love. Can you relate to this? Maybe you're a better person than me. I felt pretty guilty when I realized where my priorities have been the last couple years.
Cancer changes things quickly. I'm not advocating disengaging from society and not playing your part. I'm not saying that voting isn't important. Quite the opposite.
What I'm asking is: do you care more about what President you're following or what purpose you're fulfilling?
Those were the tear filled words I prayed tonight at church during an incredible evening of worship and prayer.
The news I got this week was not what I wanted to hear. I try so hard not to have expectations before scans. I try to stay neutral. Sure I pray for healing, and believe it could happen, but I try not to expect it. Don't get too high or too low. This time was harder though. I wanted so bad to hear the word remission. I caught myself daydreaming about how I would respond.
I was going to walk back out into the lobby of all these cancer patients waiting to see their own doctors and share enthusiastically that 18 months ago I was given a death sentence. Today I'm in remission. Praise the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me! Bless His holy name!
I didn't get to live out that fantasy. Instead I received another one of those gut punches that are so visceral and raw they make you nauseous and dizzy. Instantly my mind started to go down those familiar yet destructive pathways.
Tonight Kendra is staying with a friend in Kalamazoo. So Colton and I literally drove straight from Chicago to our church's evening service. I planned to take Colton into the sanctuary until he started getting fussy or anxious then he'd go to nursery. Instead he curled up on my lap and sat so quiet and still for over an hour and a half. I think he's picking up on the emotions in my family. He doesn't know what's wrong, he just knows where a safe place is. This little boy with his head against my chest and my arms wrapped completely around him. I kissed his head, smelled his hair, and sang quietly into his ear. I stopped paying attention to anything else around me and Colton and I had our own worship experience.
It's hard to praise God when one of the things you're most afraid of losing is sitting on your lap. This innocent (most of the time), soft faced, little joy of a human being is so important to me. I'm terrified about what my absence might mean in his life. I'm angry that I might not be able to love him like I want. I'm bitter that I might not be able to do the things with him I want to.
I'm very scared about the future.
I'm afraid for Kendra. She has so much on her plate now. She spent last week working till 7, 8, or later with parent teacher conferences. No big deal you might think, but the week before scans everything becomes more difficult. Time away from family is a big deal. Yet she faithfully serves in whatever capacity God puts her in. I'm afraid about what my health might mean to her though. Life is so much work for her already.
Cooking, cleaning, taking care of a baby (me), taking care of a toddler, working, commuting, being a part of a small group, doing the bills, coordinating medical appointments and travel arrangements every other week. This just the short list. It is exhausting. What will happen if I'm even more hassle? What will happen if I'm gone? Who will she have to lean on?
Tonight at church we sang a song that may have been the straw that broke Ryan's back.
I don't know what resonated with me but I was almost breathless trying to sing the words that just wouldn't come out. Then they showed a video by Francis Chan that I'd seen before, and again for some reason tonight it just jumped off the walls at me.
Right now I have a choice to make. Am I going to shrink back down and cling to the beam? Is my faith so lacking that one test result would knock me off this journey of learning about radical obedience I've been on? All I want to do is crawl up on my daddy's lap and have him wrap his arms around me and tell me it's all okay. That He's got it all under control and I'm going to be fine.
Sometimes we don't have the faith that we desire. There's a reason God calls us to work out our faith with fear and trembling. It's a process. As the father in Mark 9 says, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief".
Right now I want to perform on the balance beam. I know that's where I need to be. I sure don't feel like getting up and doing flips though. My emotions tell me to lay back down, strap myself to the beam, and just survive.
Dear Father,
I'm so scared. I'm so scared of what you might have ahead of me. I want off this ride. I'm tired and exhausted. Lord please I'm begging to let this cup pass. God there are things I confess I'm holding on to. I've been holding on to my son, and my wife, and their futures. I know that you are in control, and will take care of them, but yet I still try to hold on to protecting them. God it's so tiring trying to do my job and yours. I can't do it anymore. I'm raising the white flag. To you I surrender again, all that I have. God when I can't pick myself off the beam, please pick me up. Please hold me not in safety, but in obedience. Use me even in my brokenness to serve you.
Lord please don't let the things I hold onto prevent me from serving you. I pray my moments of unbelief will not keep me from what you have ahead of me. God I know all of this is so minor compared to the pain and anguish you and your son shared when you took my sins and paid my price for me. I feel selfish and embarrassed that I'm struggling with this. Lord thank you for loving me no matter how I feel. Lord I lay this before you once again, and praise you.
Lord I'm not in remission, but I will still choose to say,
Praise the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me! Bless His holy name!
I finally just got back to the hotel room after a very long day with my husband of appointments, consultations, crying, feeling better, breaking down again, putting on a brave face for Colton, and going to another consultation. Essentially, we have not received good news today, but we still have options moving forward.
This morning, we met with our primary oncologist and he delivered a couple of bad news blows: the two tumors that were left in August (very small) are a mixed bag: one shrank, one grew. However, there is also another mass that has appeared. Our oncologist thinks that it is probably another tumor, but our interventional radiologist (that we just met for the first time today) postulated that it also might be scar tissue or something from a dead tumor. Who knows. Regardless, the treatment that Ryan has been doing lately - the nasty, nasty chemotherapy treatment - is not effective any longer. So on to plan K (we've exhausted all of the letters A-J, it seems).
Radiation theraspheres. Some of the people reading this blog right now are probably very familiar with these, but most of you probably are not. Theraspheres are tiny, radioactive (Yttrium-90) glass beads that are injected into an artery near the right lobe of Ryan's liver, with the intention of attacking and shrinking and killing the 2-3 tumors located there (I should note, before I forget, that there is not any active disease in his lymph nodes, nor is there any disease anywhere else in his body - praise God). This will hopefully take place in the next two weeks. Pray for a.) our insurance policies to approve it, b.) for the consultations and procedure to take place expeditiously, and c.) for no more disease to spread in the interim.
A couple of positives about doing the theraspheres: Ryan will get about a month break from chemotherapy - if not six weeks. He is MAJORLY celebrating this. Also, this procedure does not have very many side effects. He's been feeling fine lately (aside from chemo symptoms), so hopefully he has the next six weeks to enjoy a small break from the drudgery of chemo.
Some patients have had wildly successful experiences with radiation theraspheres, some have not had any success. Our doctor does still have a couple of chemotherapy treatments in mind, so this is not the end of the line by any stretch of the imagination. This is a temporary setback. However, earlier today, it felt like I had my heart ripped out of my chest. This afternoon has been very, very hard and full of rage and tears, but at the end of the day, I know that we serve a God who is sovereign, loving, and wise. Nope, this wasn't my choice - I wanted to hear those words "cancer free" so badly today, but those will apparently be saved for another day in the future. If this is His will, if this is His plan, then we gladly follow this newest twist in the road and trust Him implicitly.
Proverbs 3 (NIV)
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
